MMA Fighter Challenges People to Punch Him in the Face, Everyone Fails

Old Spice, Chevy, and Six More Corporate Sponsors That Should Tap Into MMA


(“Nothing comes between me and my Baconator. Nothing.”)

By Jason Moles

In the ever-competitive world of professional mixed martial arts, the men and women are fighting for more than just the fans and their next paycheck; they’re fighting for survival. When you barely have enough money left for yourself after paying your training partners, coaches, and buying nutritional supplements, it’s time to find another source of income. Most do this in the way of sponsorships — you know, like the Nike deal Jon Jones recently signed, or Anderson Silva’s relationship with Burger King. And if more of these well-known mainstream companies would sponsor a few fighters, the smaller companies that currently sponsor fighters could move to guys and gals who are still making their way up the ranks without anyone losing out. Let’s look at the companies that best suit MMA, how they should be involved, and why it makes sense.

Company: Old Spice
Ideal fighter to sponsor: Cheick KongoAlistair Overeem

Why it makes sense: Standing 6′ 4″ and weighing 230 pounds, and 6′ 5″/263, respectively, the Frenchman and the Dutchman are the most physically imposing fighters in the UFC’s heavyweight division. Old Spice is known for their funny commercials targeting the same audience watching PPV’s on a Saturday night. In the past, Old Spice has used NFL players Brian Urlacher and Ray Lewis as spokesman for their ‘Swagger’ line of men’s body products, as well as jacked Expendables cast-member Terry Crews. And if those guys can do it, why not Kongo and Overeem? In particular, “The Demolition Man” is the type of guy you want your customers to think they’ll be more like by using your product. Alistair could even make his commercial debut by eating the horse the original Old Spice Guy rode in on.

Company: Chevrolet
Ideal fighters to sponsor: Joseph Benavidez, Demetrious Johnson

Why it makes sense: The 2013 Chevy Spark may be small, but what it lacks in stature, it more than makes up for in heart. The potential to save drivers a small fortune on gas is enough to get most excited, and the 18-34 male demographic includes cash-strapped college guys and new dads — definitely a bunch a dudes looking to save a few extra bucks any chance they can get. Who better to market your product than your Ultimate Fighting counterparts, the UFC’s two smallest and most fuel-efficient contenders?

Both the fighters and the mini-cars are well equipped, fast, and flashy. Oh, I almost forgot to mention the unbelievably high MPG, which means you won’t ever have to worry about running out of gas when you enter the championship rounds. Isn’t it obvious that this is a match made in mini-heaven?

Company: Lunesta
Ideal fighters to sponsor: Jon Fitch, Jake Shields, Ben Askren

Why it makes sense: From Lunesta’s website: “When you want to sleep, do you lie awake? When you get to sleep, do you wake up often during the night? Sleep is here on the wings of LUNESTA. Some sleep aids are approved to help you fall asleep and others to help you stay asleep. Prescription LUNESTA is approved to do both.”

4 out of 5 doctors recommend you watch a fight featuring Jon Fitch, Jake Shields, or Ben Askren, if you do not wish to use or cannot afford prescription medication. It’s a known fact; these boring wrestlers will put you to sleep before they even break a sweat. While most fans spew vitriol every time these fighters are mentioned, a large percentage of the audience is insomniacs and singing their praises. MMA managers these days tell their guys in the gym to make themselves into a brand. It just so happens that the brands these guys have created have the same tags as Lunesta: sleep, helps me sleep, cures insomnia, best sleep I’ve ever had.

Company: Tampax
Ideal fighter to sponsor: Ronda Rousey

Why it makes sense: Hear me out. Back in 2009, Tampax signed Serena Williams of tennis fame to an endorsement deal during their “Outsmart Mother Nature” campaign. The commercial was clever and effective. After watching it, you believed that one of the best female tennis players to ever step onto a court could go on with life as usual, despite her monthly visitor, with no major adjustments to her schedule. Skip ahead to present day where Strikeforce Women’s champion Ronda Rousey graces the cover of ESPN The Magazine’s Body Issue, appears on Conan O’Brian, and has a two-part all-access pass look at her life filmed by Showtime. Sounds like Tampax has a fresh face with enough exposure to take home a larger share of the feminine hygiene products sales. Rousey is the perfect example of a woman that demands a lot out of her girlie products. Training for a championship bout consists of running, strength training, kickboxing, and most of all, jiu jitsu — and all of the rolling around that comes with it. Just like there’s no crying in baseball, there are no time outs for leaks. Not to worry, she has Tampax in her corner.

I envision some poor soul getting a text from his girl while he’s out getting snacks for fight night. She asks him to do the unthinkable — pick up some tampons and hurry back. So he makes his way to the pink aisle and scans a ton of pink boxes that may have been written in gibberish. He wants to make this as quick as possible so there’s no time to ask his damsel in distress what kind she wants. He’ll just have to figure this out on his own. *Boom!* “Yep, these are the ones Ronda Rousey uses, so they must be good.” he says to himself. Brand association is a powerful tool — one that makes a deal like this all but certain in the years to come.

On the next page: Listerine, UPS, and the return of Jimmy John’s…

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ctastrophe- August 17, 2012 at 7:49 pm
I guess it's not enough for CP to have a ton of ads on the sides of their articles; They now have to have a ton of ads IN their articles. =/
RwilsonR- August 17, 2012 at 9:00 am
Fucking 'no spacing allowed'! Just blends everything you write together.
RwilsonR- August 16, 2012 at 9:13 pm
Josh Koscheck - Frosted Flakes
Rampage - Listerine
Matt Hamill - Beats by Dre
Cris Cyborg - Viagra
Randy Couture - Flomax
Anthony Johnson - Crisco
Matt Hughes - Chick Fil-A
Michael Bisping - Massengill
Kobi123- August 20, 2012 at 8:53 am
the only thing i would have Rampage advertise is Cold Showers, with the way he's been humping reporters
blakebork- August 16, 2012 at 5:51 pm
Mayhem's gonna have a corporate deal with Prozac
algiersheadkick504- August 16, 2012 at 3:37 pm
how about roy nelson sponsored by little debbie snack cakes or rampage sponsored by a rape crsis center
Mr_Misanthropy- August 16, 2012 at 2:07 pm
Hilarious article! It appears like you pirated about 85% of it from a comments section on a different article that was posted about two weeks ago! Good job!
Grandmas Nutmeg- August 16, 2012 at 1:48 pm
I say remove Overeem, no real man beats up a bike with an oversized mallet, or a female reporter. Only to turn around and be foiled by a specimin cup.

Throw Trojan condoms to Rousey, because you know if you got her pregnant she'd beat the shit out of you for 9 months and then when she went back to work, the kid would start kicking your ass like it was The Omen.
ReX13- August 16, 2012 at 1:03 pm
What, no Corn Nuts for groin shots?
As Good As Anyone- August 16, 2012 at 12:43 pm
Jon Jones for Ketel One.
Fletch the V Stretch- August 16, 2012 at 12:21 pm
This was an absolute great write up Jason. I think all of your assessments for companies and fighters is perfectly spot on and well writtem. Give this guy a fake CP t-shirt.
Mood- August 16, 2012 at 12:09 pm
Kongo's a walking advertisement for any compression cup manufacturer.
OnlyHuman- August 16, 2012 at 10:48 am
Dodge beat Chevy to the punch. Flyweight title fight is already sponsored by Dodge Dart.
Stak40- August 16, 2012 at 10:33 am
FYI You have burger king as the sponsor and you reference a burger from Wendy's. Not that i give a fuck!
Stak40- August 16, 2012 at 10:41 am
...and don't you ever associate that punk bitch with the most interesting man in the world again.
joelforsyth- August 16, 2012 at 10:03 am
Lunesta... genius.
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