(Not actually a) Guest post by GalsGuidetoMMA.com
Doability – I’ve never gone for the “Would have probably been a Nazi if he grew up in 1930s Germany” look, but there’s something about Jeremy that gets my tangas in a twist. I know, I know, the barbed wire bicep tat should be a deal-breaker. Still, those piercing blue eyes. The look on his face that says, “I would throw away every good opportunity, and even my freedom, just for a chance to ravage your body.” Wow. Feel my goosebumps.
Perceived Skills – BB gun shooting, jealous rages
Pet Name – Aryan Da’Hendersons
Imagined Dream Date – I have this fantasy where I’m a lifeguard at a local pool in Nevada. Jeremy comes in with his pack of bros. We lock eyes. He does a few long, slow laps. The butterfly stroke — my favorite. We exchange numbers during adult swim. He doesn’t call. Instead, he just shows up at my bedroom window that night. He’s shirtless and out of breath. I let him in the front door, and he collapses into my arms. He’s vulnerable, like a child, in the body of a man. “It’s okay, honey,” I say. “You’re home now.”
Long Term Relationship Potential – High, but I know it would end badly. It always does with the passionate ones.
Panty Dropper Rating – 4 – Worth the Wax.
Doability – I tend to go for skinny, pretty-boy, Joseph Gordon-Levitt-types, so I generally wouldn’t give a guy like Mike a second look. Maybe if I had just broken up with a skinny pretty-boy and I wanted to get back at him, then yeah, I’d find his polar opposite, which would be somebody like Mike Whitehead. His doability would be directly proportional to how many Coors Lights I had consumed that day.
Perceived Skills – Outdoor grilling, taking care of drunk party guests
Pet Name – Mr. Sketchy
Imagined Dream Date – We have friends in common, so I go over to his place one afternoon for a barbecue. He tells me his three secrets for grilling ribs, which he whispers into my ear, very softly. After we eat, he tells me he has something to show me. He leads me to his basement, and it’s filled with rows of marijuana plants. They’re just so beautiful. “Holy crap, Mike,” I say. “Isn’t this illegal?” He smiles at me, and plucks off a perfect, fuzzy little bud. “Smell this,” he says. I don’t remember what happens next. Or maybe I do remember, but I try my hardest to suppress that particular memory.
Long Term Relationship Potential – Very low. This guy has “one night stand” written all over him.
Panty Dropper Rating – 3 – Eh, why not?
Doability – We took this picture off Lil’ Joey’s Match.com profile. I have two suggestions for him: 1) It wouldn’t kill you to smile. 2) A collared shirt would have been a better choice. You want to make it seem like you’re clean and gainfully employed, not like you just finished masturbating to Yo Gabba Gabba.
Perceived Skills – Taking punches to the balls, throwing shoes at Mike Meyers
Pet Name – Turd
Imagined Dream Date – I’m out with my dog, looking at Christmas lights. He comes by and asks me for directions. I give him the directions. He walks away, and I never see this fucking creep ever again.
Long Term Relationship Potential – Zero. Joe’s what me and Donna call a “double-panter” — one pair of pants tied around your eyes so you can’t see him, and another tied around his eyes in case yours falls off.
Panty Dropper Rating – 1 – Not even with yours.