No, the above image is not something that was drawn up by a 7 year-old Japanese schoolboy in between classes, nor is it Dr. Scholl’s experiment gone awry involving a rubber factory and an army of millipedes. The utterly ridiculous mishmash of trampoline springs and synthetic leather pictured above is actually the Rampage Jackson-endorsed Reebok shoe responsible for Page’s latest tantrum aimed at the UFC. I cannot emphasize enough that I am not joking here. On a Rampage-Jackson-alternative-business-venture scale of “Rampage Punch” to “Now shake it, *you* shake it, I wanna see that ass butt-naked,“ I give it a solid “Transsexual rape video.” No, I will not go into further detail.
Set to hit the shelves on February 1st, the only thing more outlandish than the look of this thing is the 140 dollars it will cost you to pick up a pair. For one third of that price, I will gladly push you down a flight of stairs, trip you in a crowd, or use whatever method you prefer to achieve the sprained ankle you will inevitably suffer while wearing these moon shoes. Jackson says that the design was inspired by all terrain vehicles, but could someone please explain to me what sport or everyday activity these things could possibly be useful for? Or what group of people Reebok is trying to promote with these? Unless competitive hopscotching troglodytes are a huge undiscovered market that has just been waiting to be tapped into, I expect that these things will be filling the bargain bins at Reebok stores nationwide by Christmas. Anyone disagree?
Then again, the existence of Movie 43 (and the millions of dollars it will likely make this weekend. Just watch.) proves that we as a society are still not capable of distinguishing good products from terrible ones, so I guess we should just start preparing ourselves for the herds of wobbly-legged wankers who will be stumbling onto subways across the country donning these beauties.
So how many of you Taters will be camping out in line for a chance to own a pair of Page’s signature kicks? Get it? Kicks?! Because he never throws any?
I don’t get paid enough for this golden material.