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The Potato Index: TUF 11 Finale + WEC 49

(Keith "Necro Reaper" Jardine, after his barbed-wire and fluorescent-light-tube death-match against Matt "Da Def Syco" Hamill. / Photo courtesy of the TUF 11 Finale gallery on

Because you pansies get all red-faced when the Potato Index skips an event, we’ve brought back the beloved arbitrary numerical ranking system for a special two-fer installment. As for the recent complaints that the Potato Index’s scores have gotten less arbitrary, we have passed the feedback onto the Index and hope that the scores are now sufficiently chaotic while still maintaining their accuracy and integrity…

Court McGee +518
Going from pantsless meth addict to Ultimate Fighter winner? Yeah, we’d call that an upgrade. But Court McGee is more than just an inspirational story. With his endless heart and skill with a choke-hold, he’s a legitimately valuable acquisition for the UFC. If they bring him along slowly, he could become a factor in the middleweight division someday.

Kris McCray -33.333 [repeating]
Sometimes, tough ain’t enough. McCray may be a little too green to compete at the UFC level, but as a season runner-up, he deserves one more fight — ideally, against one of the TUF guys that scored victories on Saturday, like Chris Camozzi or Rich Attonito.

Matt Hamill +412.9384
The Hammer’s strong Potato Index score is not so much due to his capable striking performance and decision victory against Keith Jardine, as much as the fact that there’s now a movie based on his life, and he can comfortably make deaf jokes in post-fight press conferences. High-level gatekeeper? Yes. Real American Hero? Also yes.

Keith Jardine -101.1011010000110
The Dean of Mean showed excellent takedown defense against Hamill and can still throw a nasty leg kick. Unfortunately, he lost a striking match against a wrestler, and ended the fight looking like he tried to make out with a lawn-mower. Jardine has done battle with some of the best in the light-heavyweight division, but four straight losses has to be the kiss of death for his UFC contract. On the bright side, the UFC will probably bring him back if he can rack up a few wins in the minors.

Chris Leben +79
Chris Leben is like that screw-up brother of yours who never has a job and steals tools from your garage. He "borrows" your car without asking one day, and winds up getting high and crashing it into a tree. It’s the last straw as far as you’re concerned, so you decide to cut him out of your life. But then he shows up at your doorstep a couple weeks later during a thunderstorm, and he’s soaked with rain, and he has a doll for your daughter that he bought at a gas station, and you say, "Yeah, fine, you can crash on the couch, but just for a couple nights." And he looks up at you with that stupid smile, the same one he had when you two were kids. Your wife comes out, sees him unrolling his pack in the living room, and goes right back to the bedroom without saying a word. You’ll hear about it the next morning, but what the fuck are you going to do, he’s your brother and you love him.

Rich Attonito +54
Ayyyyy, Richie Boom Bats! The Jersey kid makes good by sticking to the game-plan — wait until Jamie Yager exhausts himself throwing wild strikes, then make him quit in the second round. The Potato Nation salutes you.

Jamie Yager -LOL
Please, Potato Index, let’s keep this professional.

Travis Browne -Eww
Smashing James McSweeney is a great way to make a first-impression in the UFC. But the celebratory blood-licking thing? Gross. What the hell is it with you Hawaiians?

James McSweeney -227
Get spanked by an Octagon newb, drop to a pro record of 4-5, then try to get the loss overturned by the NSAC — it’s a desperation move by a fighter who knows the UFC doesn’t have much reason to keep him around. 

Jamie Varner even
Yeah, Varner should have won that fight. But it’s hard to give him any sympathy, considering his unsportsmanlike reaction to the scores, and the way he tried to lobby Rosenthal to deduct a second point from Shalorus, and his general over-selling of fouls. He’ll never be the people’s champ, that’s for sure.

Kamal Shalorus even
I wouldn’t want to face this guy in a wrestling match, or a testicle-kicking contest. He needs to put in a lot of work on his striking if he hopes to beat the WEC’s top lightweights — but hey, at least now you’ll remember his name.

Josh Grispi +319.8
With his eighth-straight first-round stoppage (four in the WEC), and a quick choke-out of LC Davis now under his belt, The Fluke is clearly one of the best featherweights in the world right now, and has to be in line for a title shot after Manny Gamburyan gets torn up by Jose Aldo.

Eddie Wineland +266
In 2006, he became the WEC’s first bantamweight champ, but losses to Chase Beebe and Rani Yahya derailed his momentum. With three straight wins in the bag (Manny Tapia, George Roop, and now Will Campuzano), he’s a player again. Wineland’s jitterbugging stick-and-move style would make for an entertainingly weird match against the similarly-styled champion Dominick Cruz. Maybe one day…

Wagnney Fabiano -meh
Remember when this guy was considered one of the greatest featherweights in the world? Now he’s scratching out decisions against unknown bantamweights in unaired preliminary fights. Beating Frank Gomez is better than nothing, but he’ll need to start submitting his opponents again if he wants to stay in the minds of fans.

Kenny Florian +OU812
The hardest working man in fight business? Ken-Flo took time out of his training schedule to cover color-man duties for both the TUF 11 Finale and WEC 49. He shaved beforehand, and managed to avoid using any dicey phrases like "rape choke." Rogan, you’ve been put on notice…


Cagepotato Comments

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ghostboner- June 22, 2010 at 3:21 pm
If I was Siver my post fight interviews would consist of me completely ignoring the questions, and just staring at my opponent with the 1000yd stare and repeating in monotone "Du. Du Hast. Du Hast mich."
fatbellyfrank- June 22, 2010 at 5:08 am
Keith will make a damm fine livin playin a freakozoid scare the fuck out of you MOFO in any number of straight to DVD/Game franchise features.
snakey- June 22, 2010 at 4:32 am
Keith "Somebody's dad" Jardine would be more suited to Pride or a Japanese promotion and his entrance could be with a scythe. Matt "Not really a win" Hamill should concentrate on ways to win fights without really winning. So maybe be should go for the DQ via knees to groin. Train for that one!
fatbellyfrank- June 22, 2010 at 12:59 am
Damm, I was hopin for something to with bars down Patpong Road, thats where I used to get screamed at by thai ladies, of varying heights
Almost North- June 22, 2010 at 12:40 am
Not much of a story. At the fish packing plants where I grew up a lot of the supervisors were tiny Thai immigrant lady's who routinely made their new employees cry. I never worked there myself but I heard stories. I think the key is in the pitch.
fatbellyfrank- June 22, 2010 at 12:31 am
@ Almost, 4 foot tall middle aged thai lady? tell us more my friend, tell us more
Almost North- June 22, 2010 at 12:19 am
German is pretty badass, but nothing says scary like a 4 foot tall middle aged Thai Lady screaming at you. Its like being announced in PRIDE.
fatbellyfrank- June 21, 2010 at 11:27 pm
^Yea you hear that shit from an angry lookin dude, and you just know your countries about to get invaded
ghostboner- June 21, 2010 at 10:33 pm
Dennis "Rammstein" Siver + 42
Because he won, barely, but mostly because German is by far the most baddest assed language to answer interview questions in.

ghostboner- June 21, 2010 at 10:28 pm
I actually cried while reading about the Crippler.

Good job on finally adding decimals to the index. I approve.

I thought k-lo was good, but the gagging noises while he was choking on Yves' cock were a bit unsettling. Still, I do like Kenflo, but I don't think he replaces Rogan. I still loves me some angry voiced Joe.
blood red rock- June 21, 2010 at 9:39 pm
Funniest thing I have read in a while. Love the Leben bit.
stopdrinkingpee- June 21, 2010 at 9:15 pm
Never again, Potato Index, will I charge you with being insufficently arbitrary. My head is spinning from the decimals. I couldn't figure out whether the extraneous zero at the end of Jardine's score was a simple oversight, or spells something in binary, but I'm not nerdy enough to look it up.

Either way, I applaud the return to random-ish numbers that simply reflect the general idea of a fighter's new standing, accompanied by Chris Leben parables. +14.7
Almost North- June 21, 2010 at 8:26 pm

Cause they have tiny arms?


War dinosaur noises.


LoL at "tribal Miss America". Sounds like a contest at a local bar on Wednesday night. Thanks to you there is coffee and spit all over my keyboard.
ReX13- June 21, 2010 at 7:32 pm
Someone remind how bad this website sucked since that Fowlkes guy left.

Good funnies, fellas.
NomadRip- June 21, 2010 at 7:16 pm
Spot on with just about everything but Rogan. He leaves the UFC, and it won't quite die a slow death, but it'd take a few shows to get used to it without him. I'll get off his nuts now.

Who the hell picks McWeenie's tattoos? That tribal Miss America sash tattoo was not ever in style. He is certainly not going to start a trend with that. Dude is obviously brain-damaged and should be on indefinite medical suspension.

DangadaDang- June 21, 2010 at 6:00 pm
I am loving all the Siver love, that guy is one of my favs in the lightweight division and noone ever gives him any credit. Mcsweeney gets an index but not Siver?

Also, if Siver fought Sherk it would go down in roughly the same fashion as the battle of the two Tyrannosaurs in Jurassic Park 3
The Lizardking05- June 21, 2010 at 4:42 pm

that shit had me spitting out my drink man.... good stuff
fatbellyfrank- June 21, 2010 at 4:21 pm
Yager, spot on, Leben great analogy, and thats why Dana will always have a spot for him.
And, please Dana, move Leben ahead of Kos in title contention, announce it a press conference, have Kos there with the camera on him when he's told Leben has just moved up to #1 contender, then entire MMA world, especiallyPotato nation, doubles over in fits of laughter at look on Kos's face.
Pleeeeaaase Dana, how many times do I gotta ask
imabigfan- June 21, 2010 at 4:15 pm
I'm all for Ken-flo over Rogan. Anyone else watch the 32 hour ultimate knockout on Spike yesterday? I had to mute it due the repetition of Goldy's "AAAAAAND IT'S ALL OVER" and Rogan's "RIGHT ON THE BUTTON."

Rogan does know his shit, but I think he's been sitting next to Mike "there's nothing going on in the fight too important to plug spike" Goldberg too long. The noxious gas cloud that emits from goldstein's mouth is like what the joker released on Gotham.
mustache revival- June 21, 2010 at 4:14 pm
I saw Leben at Mr. Lucky's diner in the Hard Rock after the fight having dinner with his mom, drinking beer, and smoking cigarettes. That's +1000 in my index!
Cro mag- June 21, 2010 at 4:13 pm
It should be no surprise that Hawaiians do that blood liking thing, it wasn't that long ago that they used to eat their enemies innards for breakfast.
shagel- June 21, 2010 at 4:12 pm
Could at least have worked in a Clutch reference in Keith Jardine's score if you're going to go with a lot of 1's and 0's, like "-100.01110101". I know I would have appreciated it and that's all that matters, isn't it?
DAN THE VIKING- June 21, 2010 at 4:10 pm
chrissyweiss you are right. Although Im of irish/Scottish/English/Swedish decent... no German here, I love Siver and everything I was teling my friends about him before that fight came to fruition.

War Dennis 'The Muscle Toe' Siver
DAN THE VIKING- June 21, 2010 at 4:08 pm
That caption is so fucking funny...
'Da Def Syco' hahahahahahaha

Id love to see that match in CZW.
chrissyweiss- June 21, 2010 at 4:03 pm
what about my boy DENNIS SIVER?! he kicked the king`s ass and is the only german out there in the UFC (except the peter sobotta donk) making us proud.