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The Potato Index: UFC 94 Aftermath

(With tailored suits like that he’s just as slick outside the Octagon.)

After an exhausting and entertaining UFC 94, we sat down with our Cage Potato Super Computer and churned out the arbitrary numerical data for the relevant parties.  It wasn’t easy, but dammit, it was necessary.

Georges St. Pierre +361

Whether you think he was greased up or not, he put a beating on B.J. Penn that can’t be explained away (Vaseline didn’t help him dodge jabs or score takedowns, after all).  He showed up in great shape, with a great game plan, and proceeded to do exactly what he said he would.  GSP is an absolute monster, and at just 27 years old he’ll dominate the division for the foreseeable future.  Good luck, Thiago Alves.  You’ll need it.

B.J. Penn -86

He’s still the best lightweight in the world.  Let’s hope this beating convinced him to stay in the division where he truly belongs.  If you’re going to be the smaller man in the fight, you’d better be more active and in better shape.  He was neither, and he paid the price.  Now give KenFlo his shot.

Vaseline + 590

To hear Penn’s trainers talk, you’d think it was a magical substance.  Just a dash and you become a guard-passing, ground-and-pounding machine.  We may find out how responsible it is for GSP’s success, because after this incident the athletic commissions will be watching closely, as will the UFC.

Lyoto Machida +234

If you would have told me before UFC 94 that we’d see eight decisions and that Machida wouldn’t be involved in one of them, I would have sprayed you with mace.  But lo and behold, he not only finishes his fight but gets Knockout of the Night. Truly, this kind of Machida performance is the Halley’s Comet of the MMA world.  If he can keep this up we’d actually be eager to see him get a title shot.

Thiago Silva -52

He got beaten by a better fighter, pure and simple.  No shame in it, but no title shot in it either.  Back to the middle of the pack.  As if it wasn’t crowded enough there.

Jon Jones +108

He’s young, humble, and has a ton of talent.  He’s been a pro for less than a year, but if the UFC gives him time to develop he could really go places.  He needs to work on finishing fights, and he seemed to run out of gas a little in the last round, but with spinning back elbows like that he may not have to go the distance very often.

Stephan Bonnar -68

His toughness isn’t a question after hanging in for all that punishment and even mounting a minor comeback in the third, but it’s clear now that he’ll probably never be an elite fighter at 205.  Dana seems to love him, though, so he’ll get to hang around a little while longer.

Clay Guida +45

The Guida who sticks to his gameplan isn’t as exciting as the one who brawls like the Tasmanian Devil, but he is more successful.  He did enough to get that Fight of the Night bonus, so don’t expect him to change it up any time soon.

Nate Diaz -33

Despite his slick submissions and classic Diaz arm-punch striking style, there’s a wrestling-shaped hole in his game.  If he didn’t know it before, he does now.  Particularly in the lightweight division, that’s a weakness he can’t afford not to address.

Karo Parisyan +27

He didn’t look great doing it, but he survived an early scare and got the split decision victory.  We certainly hope he doesn’t still think of himself as “too talented to train” after his last couple uninspired performances.

Dong Hyun Kim -10

He lost to a more experienced fighter, but showed some potential.  Let’s hope the UFC keeps him around long enough to give him a chance to become something.

Jon Fitch +48

He did exactly what we all expected, in exactly the fashion we thought he would.  This isn’t big news, but at least the Fitch train is back on track, even if it’s rolling through the dark portion of the pay-per-view.

Akihiro Gono +3

Yes, he lost, but he put up a fight worthy of something other than the heaviest underdog on the card, and his entrance alone is worth a little something.  If only he could carry some of that excitement into the Octagon.

Superfights +92

Nothing like a champion-versus-champion affair to create a buzz and sell out an arena.  Next up, Anderson Silva-GSP?  Yes, please.

Cagepotato Comments

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OhellN0- February 3, 2009 at 11:59 am
The only time when its okay to rub vasaline on another dude's back is when your in jail. even then, its still not okay.
Anonymous- February 3, 2009 at 9:12 am
So let me get this straight, GSP used vaseline to negate BJ's rubber guard. But was GSP using a rubber? Why didn't he just go bareback?
greg jackson is a registered sex offender- February 3, 2009 at 7:53 am
vasoline is great, it made it much easier for me to molest those little kids.
lilpo0ts- February 3, 2009 at 7:51 am
lol if you watch the gif the guy is greasing his his shoulders chest and back. bj nor his corner ever said it changed the outcome of the fight jackasses. and if there was no vaseline why would the comission come in AND if you watch the gif they rushed gsp out before the comission could actually wipe him thoroughly. and coming from a guy who beats his dick with vaseline every night you cant wipe that shit off with a brush of a towel and even with hot water that stuff just gets gooier. you guys are totally one sided and are more on the fact that BJ loss than GSP cheating up to 3 people. im starting to think greg jackson's camp has been doing that for a bit. bj lost , he was out classed by the champion of a different weight class..good job he was the underdog anyways and he is still a champ. and to say vase doesnt help pass guard or negate a rubber guard you dont know jits. and also an effective rubber guard nulifies GnP tards. one sided fans kill mma.
@the truth
lol not get taken down by a takedown beast naturally 20 lbs heavier...less gspenis gargling and you would probably make sense
aly- February 3, 2009 at 6:39 am
I don't think Diaz's problem is wrestling per say he has pretty decent defense, it's more his build, like nick was at 170, nate is tall and lanky, skinny legs and arms, slim torso, the better wrestlers have more developed legs and a thicker torso
armfarmer- February 3, 2009 at 5:45 am
For the record I don't think the vaseline mattered, I'm not arguing that. Just saying, some dumb shit is being said in the comments. Just say "The vaseline didn't matter because he was getting dominated easily", fair enough, but don't say shit that's just plain wrong or irrelevant.
armfarmer- February 3, 2009 at 5:39 am
"Rubber guard, Penn's leg was in front on GSP's face and was wrapped against his fucking deltoid(For you idiots that dont know what a deltoid is, its the upper shoulder area). It wasnt near GSP's back."

Yeah call everyone else an idiot then point out that bj's leg was "wrapped against his fucking deltoid (upper shoulder area)", which happens to be the first place the vasaline was rubbed. Why don't you check out the video before saying something retarded like that. Fucking dumbass.
Teila Tuli's Tooth- February 3, 2009 at 5:37 am
"If you would have told me before UFC 94 that we’d see eight decisions and that Machida wouldn’t be involved in one of them, I would have sprayed you with mace."

Get your "Macelet" ready Ben!
armfarmer- February 3, 2009 at 5:35 am
"Vaseline wasnt an issue. I didnt see Penn go for any take downs or shoot for a leg. I just saw Penn get the fucked up for about a good 20 minutes than throw in the towel. I mean if we saw Penn actually try for a shoot then yea, its questionable but he got his ass kicked. So why complain? Its just gonna make yourself look more pathetic. After all that smack talk about your opponent being a quitter and saying "if you tap cuz of strikes, your a little b*tch, thats what I say" than blaming your loss DUE TO STRIKES cuz of vaseline? Bitch please go back to your own weight division."

First of all I'm fucking tired of people saying shit like "try for a shoot". I don't get why people can not say shot. I don't know why but that always irritates me. Second he did try attempt a shot. He shot on gsp pushed him against the fence and was trying to take him down. Third, that has nothing to do with anything. Why would vaseline on his back effect bj shooting on his legs? Vaseline on gsp's back and shoulders effects bj's gaurd, not his takedowns. That entire post was pointless.
RickyRobbie- February 3, 2009 at 5:07 am
Agree 100% with you Babcoc, Fuck Guida!

And about this weight cutting thing, It works fine just the way it is and almost everybody cut weight.
Krazy Kracker- February 3, 2009 at 1:24 am
I tried to do the index for you guys but nooooo, don't trust the nOOb!
Da Truth- February 3, 2009 at 12:50 am
Georges actually ATE a whole jumbo size jar of Lube before the fight...this way it actually gets excreted thru the Skin causing Your whole body to be as slippery as a horny eel.

Come On... 'it negated Penns rubber guard' well there would have been no problem if You had managed not to get taken down and pounded on...FFS.
Delareese- February 2, 2009 at 10:34 pm
There was no vaseline, shut up.

I'm sure the RIVER OF SWEAT wasn't greasy at all, and had nothing to do with the fail of Penn, and neither did the ruthless bludgeoning.
Sneaky Pete- February 2, 2009 at 9:37 pm

An open weight Gran Prix style event would be awesome. UFC 100 is on the horizon, that would be a great way to start it off.

Also, I was thinking they could do the whole think under the PRIDE label. They own it, it has cache amongst fighters and a whole set of fans, and best of all they could roll in the Fedor.

Either way, good idea.
TPark- February 2, 2009 at 8:41 pm
OH Fuck "the heat" paryisan. Mother fucker got 1 point more to win a decision. Im sure he had a panick attack after realizing he actually won one since of march 2004. Lost $200 on that fight, retarded judges...

Anywayz, for all you retards blaming vaseline, VASELINE DID NADA. All this shit
about Penn's rubber guard slipping and shit.
HOP OFF THE PETROLEUM PENIS! Rubber guard, Penn's leg was in front on GSP's face and was wrapped against his fucking deltoid(For you idiots that dont know what a deltoid is, its the upper shoulder area). It wasnt near GSP's back. And im sure one of you dumb ignorant idiots are gonna say "well Penn's guard woulda been more effective if not for the vaseline so HA!" Well I say fuck you to that also. Im sure Penn's master strategy was to stay in on his back trying to align his ass and GSP's penis...
babcock- February 2, 2009 at 7:13 pm
Fuck Guida!!!! He used to be a bad ass spazz-o exciting fighter, now he wants to be sean serk 2.0 fuck that shit and fuck him. and fuck the god damn judges. Diaz won that fight and im still pissed about it, if all you gotta do to win a fight is hug a guys back than a bunch of one-dimensional wrestlers with a decent gas tank are just gonna go straight to the top. BOOOOO GUIDA YAAAYYY DIAZ
Don't be scurred homie!! Get off his back and face him like a (cave) Man!
nippletwist- February 2, 2009 at 7:11 pm
clay guida shouldve got -9000
nippletwist- February 2, 2009 at 7:10 pm
boo superfights!

gsp is nothing without his vaseline!
And as El Guapo always- February 2, 2009 at 7:06 pm
When I first saw the fight card I thought Clay Guida would be the only greaseball fighting that night.
Please stay at 155...please? - February 2, 2009 at 6:59 pm
I dunno why people are saying applying vaseline to the back doesn't matter. You can clearly see BJ trying to pull a really high guard on GSP up to his shoulders and repeatedly his legs slip off immediately. I think BJ should have worn knee sleeves and ankle wraps but thats not for everyone i guess. It obviously didn't affect the fact that GSP worked BJ on his feet in the later rounds and before that he pounded his face off the canvas. But lets be honest, vaseline on the back against one of the best MMA bjj practitioners of all time is some shady sh*t if its true. Whatever. Lets move on.
Bman- February 2, 2009 at 6:36 pm
Well Mr. Pres. The NEVADA STATE ATHELTIC COMMISION employees that were called into the cage in the second round specifically to wipe GSP down with completely dry towels most likely nullify your point. Sorry.
Lyle- February 2, 2009 at 5:52 pm
@Surge: Nice
fedor a million ankles- February 2, 2009 at 5:49 pm


Fedor, Urijah, GSP, and the Steelers all win in an 8 day span. Best fuckin' week EVER.

Ceeph- February 2, 2009 at 5:47 pm
@ cpanger
I'd much rather see an Aloe "dry skin" Vera fight than a Brandon "the truth" Vera fight.
Daddy o- February 2, 2009 at 5:37 pm
BJ penn is a sore bitch, he got his ass handed to him in a silver platter with little of his pride on the side so he can eat his words along with the main dish...haha!