To MORNINGWOOD: The only thing funny about your comment is your complete and total ignorance. You are either part of the 1% that oppresses all of us Americans. Or you are just a sad man sitting behind his computer. My guess is the second since you are resorting to threats on your fellow Humans. Your way of thinking is old. Old and outdated. This world is changing, and I am sorry you can’t keep up. But know that we will not stop. Not until your ideas are gone. Your conservative, individualistic style of thinking is already on its way out. And I am sure that worries you… Please Morningwood, let go of your ego and live a life with a cause. That way you will have an effect.

My email is mwhitaker42@gmail.com if you wish to respond privately.

Sorry I was making fun of your favorite song PoonTangClan.

^ You’re the least funniest person on this site, shut the fuck up already.

If Matt’s not into Lionel Richie, then I’ll accept this song as my second choice:
.
Hey
.
I just came to say hello
Hello
Hello
Hello oh-oh-oh-oh
.
I’m not the kinda girl who’d get messed up with you
Hello oh-oh-oh-oh
I’ma let you try to convince me to
Hello oh-oh-oh-oh

It’s alright I’m getting dizzy just enjoy the partyyyy
It’s OK with me if you don’t have that much to say
Hey
.
Kinda like this game but there’s something you should know
I just came to say hello
.
Hey

Very simple message, I just want him to sing:
.
Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
‘Cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven’t got a clue
But let me start by saying … I love you

Hi, This is UFC Heavyweight and former NFL Defensive Tackle Matt Mitrione. Freddyboiii just beat six shades of shit out of me and now I have to record this voicemail as a forfeit. Don’t leave a message if you can’t handle the response!

still with the mitrione shit?? give it a rest …

Or

UFC Heavyweight Matt Mitrione here to speak for my boy * when I say: Brendan, no mesg needed. Dennis, your forearms look pretty small bro. Dan, ITS JUST A CAR! Brian, COME AT ME BRO! Cara, Smile sexy, * will get in touch shortly. Owen, Whats up now? And I will speak for myself when I say Rob, I think you shouldnt have talked about Me like that, * told me alllll about it…Ill see you soon.

I will be screening all *’s calls from here on out so the rest of you hoes, dont even bother.

Meathead here, when im not throwing bricks in the UFC octagon apparently I am making outgoing mesgs for this guy named *. I dont even know this guy but I can tell you he is awesome. Unless you are a cop go ahead and leave a mesg. If you are a hot female, he might even call you back.

“Hello? … Hello? …. …. … Hellooooh?! …. Yes? Hello?”

Hi. My name is Matt Mitrione. I recently lost a close decision to Cheick Kongo. As a result of this, I was forced to participate in a contest to boost my popularity in-spite of the loss. Please leave a message after the beep. Jesus Christ I can’t believe I let my agent talk me into this…

hi this is the “440 resisdence” and speaking is my glorious self UFC heavuwieght Matt Mitrione.
if you leave your name and number 440 will get back to you when he can.
.
oh.. and if this is a hot chick who likes to have her fartbox punched in…call my cell instead 1-XXX-XXXX.

thanks peace out

LOUD NOISES OF SOME SORT IN BACKGROUND
“Hello? [pause, speaking louder] Hello? [longer pause, louder still] Sorry, who is this? [pause]”
END OF MESSAGE

UFC fighter Matt Mitrione here. Mark’s out getting “salty” at me for my last fight. Leave him a message and maybe he’ll get it. That is, after he wakes up from my one punch KO.

hello?…(long pause), This is Ufc heavyweight fighter Matt Mitrione, If you know Adam personally leave a brief message and he’ll get back to you as soon as possible, if this is that dirty lying whore Charlene, Adams says S you in your A and J all over your B’s.

Hi Matt Mitrione here. I am over at J3T’s house, he is out getting his ass beat by everyone he ever challenged to fight, and more.
When he gets home I’m gonna stomp a mudhole through his ass and walk it dry as well.
Meanwhile, were you aware he has a fuck-ton of gay, and tranny porn stuff all over his computer now?

This is UFC heavyweight contender Matt Mitrione, Aaron can’t answer the phone right now, hes touching himself and watching the Golden Girls. He’ll call you back in 30 minutes, actually 35 so he can clean up.

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Hi, I’m Matt Mitrione, if you don’t know who I am, I don’t care. I’m leaving this message for Chris, who’s probably doing something funny or cool, or both, who knows? I sure don’t! But that’s cool with me. Is it cool with you? I hope so! Have a nice day!

If there is a formerly mustached man named Mazzagatti mysteriously moping, maybe me, Matt’Meathead’Mittrone might make a mad amount of mango muffins with margarine melting Mazzgatti’s mean mug magically
Leave a mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmessage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Howdy, stranger! This is Matt Mitrione. If things have gone wrong, I’m talking to myself and you don’t have a wet towel around your head. Now, whatever your name is, get ready for the big surprise. You are not you, you’re me.

Hey this is UFC Heavyweight Matt Mitrione. I know what you’re thinking and no, I don’t train UFC. That’s where I fight. I train MMA. That would be like training NFL. Which would be stupid. I can’t believe in this day and age people still call it that. I don’t go to your job and say “Hey, that guy’s a Walmart”. Wrong. You just work there.

Anyway, Derek isn’t here. He’s probably training UFC.

I’m sorry, Mr. Apodaca can’t come to the phone right now because he is learning to council people with words since he couldn’t find a real job counseling people with his fists, like that UFC Heavyweight guy Matt Mitrione, man isn’t he something. Anyway, leave him a message and he’ll probably call you back and try to talk about some dumb crap that he read on the internet. Thanks and have a great day!

Hey, this is Matt Mitrione, Im sorry Kongo didnt want to fight, and decided to run from me for 3 rounds. On a positive note, at least he didn’t kick my testicles into my abdomen. Oh, and you can leave a message and stuff.

@ angry little feet
we may have somethin here, huh, huh, do you feel it, ya embrace it,
call me

ayy this is matt, i fight,
what eva you were thinkin of talkin about cut that $h!t short, dude aint here,
if you here a beep and get confused your a waste of time and should expect nuttin, expect rejection

Meathead here…ksgbobo is busy beating off to Carmen Valentina, so leave him a message…otherwise, stop bothering him!
Oh and btw, cockchest sucks!

What’s black, has a 1 inch dick and hangs down…… a bat. Whats white, has a 10 inch dick, and hangs up? -CLICK

Hey This is Matt Mitrione…. Steampunk22 isn’t here right now, as he is off on a quest to find Cheick Kongo’s missing ground game (a widely recognized weakness that I failed to exploit when I fought Kongo at UFC137). Please leave a message after the tone (that sounds remarkably similar to the end-of-the-fight UFC bell that sounded after I went three rounds with Kongo and failed to even ATTEMPT a takedown.) Thanks!

@RWR HA! Good stuff. we could blog about it!! LOL!

Hi, I’m UFC Heavyweight Matt Mitrione star of such shows as The Ultimate Fighter Season 10 and UFC LIVE: Kongo Vs Barry, I’m here to talk to you today about the wonderful world of message leaving, If this has helped you in anyway, please leave a brief testimonial for someone to probably delete shortly after you hang up

Hi. This is Laura’s favorite UFC Heavyweight, Matt Mitrione. She’s out walking her donkey right now but leave a message and she’ll call you when she gets her ass back.

Matt Mitrione here, Sebastian went into a coma after watching Sean McCorkle’s last fight live, so leave him a message in hope that Corky’s fight doesn’t air.

@ Morningwood – Oh, you wouldn’t be shooting at me. I’d have my rifle pointed down at Zuccotti Park, too. And I’d be happy to share some of my ammo with you, since it is considerably more accurate than what Oscar Ramirez Ortega Hernandez was using. I think he just got some leftover bulk ammo from BATF stock from Fast and Furious.

I always get a kick out of the way Matt sings along to his walk in music on the way down to the cage so I’d like a recording of him singing.

Hey all, this is Matt “Meathead” Mitritione. Brandin isn’t here right now, but he really wants to hear your message. If you decide not to leave one, I’ll come to my next fight in Dennis Hallman shorts. So PLEASE, leave a message.

Hey this is UFC HEAVYWEIGHT Matt Mitrione, Karma is a bit busy right now making sure J3T’s mom doesn’t have any drainage issues with the back door, after he finishes up I’m driving him over to Kansas City to make sure SudoKFC’s sister’s mouth is getting all the attention it requires with zero room to spare. He’ll get back to you when Andre Arovski chin can withstand wind speeds of 10mph, or when Tim Sylvia can fit into a size 42 jeans in other words I wouldn’t hold my breath..

@RWR – would you feel better if I shot you with a bullet I got my ammo from Oscar Ramiro ­Ortega-Hernandez?

What up sons? This is Matt Mitrione. Nate can’t get to the phone right now cuz he’s out delivering “medication” to “patients”. Also, new patients get a Bob Marley funpack with either a pre-roll or a tasty edible, a small pipe, and a totally groovy lighter. Leave a message after the bong rip. *bubbling noise*

UFC Heavyweight Matt Mitrione here, I’m recording this message after being on the losing end of a bet that entailed Dustin giving my good friend Pat Barry a wedgie in his tighty whities, as a result of this bet, I am recording this message because Dustin’s jaw will be wired shut for the next 4-6 weeks – please feel free to leave a message.

Hey this is Matt Mitrione here..no no..don’t be scared homie..Jerry’s busy right now being not impressed with you calling when he’s not home…u can leave a message after the beep..and if it’s jenna come after 6:00!

Hi, this is Fred. No, don’t hang up, I’m just doing my Matt Mitrione impersonation. Pretty good, isn’t it? Anyway, leave a message after the beep. And now for some John Wayne: (in a lousy John Wayne voice) Y’all call back now, okay padnuh!

Hi this is Matt Mitrione. If you are Dan’s parents press 1 now. If you would like to buy drugs from Dan, press 2. Para espanol, marque tres. If you are Dan’s boss, please hang up now. For all other options, please stay on the line.

Hi this is Matt Mitrione, undefeated UFC fighter. What’s that you say, I lost to Cheick Kongo? Did you see the fight? He didn’t kick me in the balls even once! In my books, that’s a WIN! Anyway, leave a message for whoever you just called.

By the way, I was alluding to MRuss’ manifesto when I said “awwwwkwarrrd”.
Better late than ever, nawmsayin?

Hey this is matt mitrione, now before you get too excited, no, you didn’t accidentally call my number by mistake. If you still feel like talking after the wave of disappointment has crashed over you, then leave a message after the beep. If not, I understand.

Hey this is matt mitrione, and although I’ve never met Dan in person, he sounds like a real jerk on the internet. You probably accidentally dialed the wrong number since I doubt this guy has any friends or a job and I seriously doubt he has a girlfriend, but on the slim chance you actually want to talk to him leave a message and he’ll get back to you as soon as he’s done punching nuns or whatever he does in his free time.

This is Matt Mitrione, former New York Giant and future UFC heavyweight champion. Flyingogo can’t come to the phone right now. He’s bringing Tito Ortiz a bucket of lard to slather on his big old pumpkin head so that he can get it out of his own ass (or behind if “ass” is an “obscenity”). Leave a message.

Hi, this is Matt Mitrione answering for CagePotato commenters, who don’t know how to be funny or seem important without using insults. So I’ll just rehash some funny MMA phrases that never get old, because so far with these comments… I am not impress wit yer performance. Huh, huh… see what I did there? Don’t be scared, homies. See, now I’m on a ‘meteoric rise’. Like I said… this stuff is gold… never gets old. Leave a message.

Yo, this is Meathead, Matt Mitrione. Messy Jesse can’ts get to the phone right nows ’cause he’s busy. What’s that? Don’t worry about what he’s doing, you little rigatoni. I’ll bury you six feet unda with my bare hands if axe me anotha silly question. Who in the fuggutza is Mlkyhoey and how the focaccia do I sounds like him? Do me a favoh and come say that to my face, but first leave a message and I’ll GLADY deliva it to Jesse personally, at which time he will respond at his earliest conveniences. Grrrratzi

Yeah this is Meathead, no not the dude from porkeys, his name is just meat, Stak isnt here right now and doesnt check his messages anyways so leave a message or dont. Peace with two fingers!

I must have skimmed over the “no obscenities” clause. Wouldn’t be that hard to delete them from most of these entries anyway.

Hi, this is Matt The Meathead Mitrione, you may know me from such roles as The Ultimate Fighter Season 10, beating Kimbo Slice, and firing my manager on TV. I lost a bet and now I am leaving answering machine messages for a bunch of ingrate internet trolls, oh well still beats what they do for a living. Anyways, Viva Hate can’t answer the phone because he is probably wasting his life away on CagePotato rather than ya know, being a beneficial member of society, leave him a message he will probably never listen to and probably won’t return your call. But at least you got to hear my sweet baritone voice, PEACE SON!

@mike russel
lol. i actually appreciate the attempts at doing something new and having contests. i am sure mitrione has a sense of humor and is not new to mma posters, you are going to be screening them and sending him the top 10 anyway so it can be cagepotato’s little secret that we are all assholes on here.
btw. i still wouldn’t want my boss or mom to hear somebody saying biotches on my voice mail

@Mruss I’ll talk wine in Mitriones face all day long don’t even get me started on Armagnac.

^Awwwwkwarrrrd.

Hi, this is Matt Mitrione, and I’m fighting my way to the title by taking one message at a time! So leave one after the beep.
Are you serious? This is what you want me to read? Yeah, I’m sure you made Jon Jones do this, too.

@Me Likey. Since when is “biotch” an obscenity? I’ve heard it in kids movies.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9TqmusqxEiE

And as far as expecting more from the readers here, you’re right. Only about 1% of the jackasses here would actually say the things they type to people’s faces, so it shouldn’t surprise me. I was just hoping they wouldn’t ruin stuff like this for everyone else.

They know that Matt and his sponsors will be reading the comments and it makes them feel important to be all controversial and piss people off as long as they can do it anonymously on the Internet.

Hi, this is UFC Heavyweight Matt Mitrione. Skeletor can’t come to the phone right now he is helping Mruss look for his nutsack. For some reason he thought he was on cage potato and not Sherdog where fighter bashing is frowned upon. Contrary to what most MMA columnists think I have a sense of humor and don’t mind a few meningless insults from keyboard warriors. At any rate leave a message and if you need to leave a number Skeletor obviously doesn’t want to talk to you. Also fuck you Danga? Who the fuck is Danga?

Hi, this is Matt Mitrione. The Purging is at last at hand. Day of Doom is here. All that is evil, all their allies; your parents, your leaders, those who would call themselves your judges; those who have lied and corrupted the Earth, they shall all be cleansed….right after I make a Hot Pocket. Leave a message.

Why does Penn State not score much in the first half? Because they like the feeling of a little behind in the locker room!

Thank you thank you, I’m here all week…
Hi everyone this is UFC heavyweight contender and funnyman Matt Mitrione and you might know me from such hits as The Ultimate Fighter, UFC 119, UFC Fight for the Troops 2, and UFC Live 4.

What have I been doing since UFC 137?
Why still cracking jokes and now I’m taking messages for adult film actress Carmen Valentina.

TrauMMA do I really have to do this? Really? I mean I’m a contender and have been reduced to screening calls for this annoying porn chick? She doesn’t even like me and just talks about GSP all the time. It’s probably just another dude that sobered up and realized he left his ID at her place.

Dear god please just end it now…
Leave a message

Beep!

Hi this is UFC heavyweight fighter Matt Mitrione, ” my name here” will call you back when he is darn well good and ready.
If you violate this rule you will find out firsthand what its like to fight me in a steel cage”. Oh please leave your name and number…and have a nice day.

@Mike Russell
if you were expecting more than this you have some serious disillusions about this website and its following.
i don’t usually criticize peoples writing but this kinda caught my eye.
The only stipulation from Matt is that there are no obscenities,
here is the first example given by cagepotato.
Hi, this is UFC heavyweight Matt Mitrione. ReX tried to do this, but he made less sense than a Tito Ortiz quote. Leave a message biotches

@RWILSON R +1 Any of the posts!

“lame lame lame lame, oh! this shits on already?!” … beeeeep

This is Matt Mitrione, and if this is Morningwood calling… I am the other 99%!
Hey… hey… stop loading that gun. I was just… I was just jok..(loud bang, followed by large thud)…… (dead air).

How come Karma’s comment is not on here? It was the first one posted and it was hilarious!

FREE RwilsonR and my liver free them both.

Come on MRuss… you wanted insults, then you delete my insults. Your so fickle.

“Hey, this is UFC heavyweight Matt ” MeatHead ” Mitrione, …..Uh No … i would not like a free satellite dish upgrade….no i dont care that i can get three free months of premium channels for a year…wait ..wait. It’s Comes with with Free TrauMMA Swag???? SIGN ME UP BABY!!!!

This is Matt Meathead Mitrione! After I record this message Imma go put on some TrauMMA gear! Thats right TrauMMA! Because TapOut wont pay me nothin’! And shoot, I might even get on top of your wife tonight. Leave a message, WWWOOOO!

LOL RWILSONR
i was lookin forward to your post but the first one bombed, it just took a lill provokin from mruss to stir it up, good job you have my vote.
hi this is matt mitrone, michaels not here right now, but if you leave your name and numba, he will get back to you as soon as possible.
i came up with the michael part on my own

“Hey, this is UFC heavyweight Matt Mitrione. Leave your name and number and you may be lucky enough to get beat by the MEAT”

This is UFC fighter Matt Mitrione, If you are trying to reach John you just missed him. He is dead now and I killed him, skinned his face off and pasted it over mine to inherited his awesome skills of shock and awe with the ladies. Please leave a brief but detailed message and not waste my time or I will brutally kill you too. Thank you.

Hey it’s Matt Mitrione and you’re trying to reach mmasommelier…who isn’t? If you’re a white girl whom shops at old navy and likes coolers please cut your losses and hang up he’s not interested. If you’ve got vag pics send them to wade******@live.com. Thanks.

Hi, this is Matt Mitrione, and I’m being made to record this stupid answerphone message as part of my contractual obligations to TrauMMA. BEEP.

Hello, this is the future UFC Heavyweight Champion Matt Mitrione, John can’t come to the phone right now as he’s sniping occupy protestors! Leave a message with your coordinates and when you fall to the ground consider your call returned. Click Click (with a snicker type laugh like he gave on the ultimate fighter).

Hi , this is Matt Mitrione answering for the Russell residence. If this is Gus Johnson… stop fucking calling!!!

Hi, Im Matt Mitrione. You may remember me from such knockouts as Christian Morecroft, Marcus Jones, and of course Kimbo Slice. Loki cant come to the phone right now because hes busy learning how to breakdance-fight from Steven Seagal so please leave a message.

@Mike
Well, it’s pretty much just skeletor, but that’s his thing.
Don’t ever change, skeletor.

Hello. This is UFC heavyweight Matt Mitrione. Leave a message after the beep.

Hey… ‘dis Meathead. Is this 1991 calling and wanting its stupid contest back? Who the fuck uses an answering machine anymore?
And yeah, I know the whole “such-and-such called…” joke is played out. Still more relevant humor than most of the shit on this site. Just leave a fucking message.
I fired my last agent for getting me involved with stupid promotional bullshit, but this takes the fucking cake.

BTW, You can send us your *real* name if you win. You don’t have to use your screen name on the recording.

Damn- wish I could come up with something witty. Love this guy!

Come on guys. I don’t know why, but I expected better than insults towards the UFC fighter who actually is succeeding in his life’s goals. Matt’s a good dude and a good fighter. Show a modicum of respect and don’t ruin things for people who actually enjoy contests and interviews with fighters.

No edit button I forgot to include Chateaux Coucheroy

(spoken with a noticable lisp) Hello, this is UFC heavyweight Matt Mitrione answering the phone for Mr. Wilson. I hope you are having a wonderful day. I want to bring joy and happiness into everyone’s life by spreading rainbows and sunshine, and just a sprinkle of fairy dust everywhere I go. Have a magical day, and don’t forget to leave a message at the beep, special friends.

Hey there you’ve reached Meathead and mmasommelier, unfortunately we can’t answer the phone right now but allow us to recommend a quality bottle of white bordeaux. Andre Lurton has once again upheld his family name in the format of %100 Sauvignon Blanc. With subtle oak influence and a little lees aging giving this wine a creamy mid palate without sacrificing the varietals bright citrus aromatics. A relatively long-toothed finish and crisp acidity make this wine an easy pairing option…BEEP.

What the fuck is an answering machine?

Um…Hi, this is Matt Mitrione. I found this phone on a dead guy in the alley behind the Blue Oyster Bar, there were no other forms of ID in his…’costume’ and no stored out message. If you know who this guy was please leave a message because it would really help the cops out with the identification….Sorry for your loss…uh, Meathead out.

Hello… I’m UFC heavyweight Matt Mitrione. I don’t always do voicemails but when I do, I prefer to do it for the big stud known as Shane.

Hi, this is Matt Mitrione, Future UFC heavyweight Champ. Graham cant make it to the phone because he’s busy commenting and judging MMA even though hes never fought anybody or been to a MMA event jus watches it on TV because the UFC never comes to Ireland (once). Leave a message even though its probably the wrong number because he also has no friends. Apart from me of course, i love him.

nobody calling my phone would know who the hell me likey is but what the hell.
hi, this is ufc heavyweight matt mitrione. me likey can’t come to the phone right now. he is currently watching films starring tito ortiz’s wife. please leave a message and when he is done cleaning up he will call you back.

Hello?….what do you mean who is this, you called me….yeah, well I don’t like your attitude either, asshole….Hey, I’m UFC fighter Matt “Meathead” Mitrione, who the fuck are you?…..Yeah that’s what I thought, some no-name fuckstick dicking around on the phone. Leave a message, pansy.

hi, this is matt mitrione. XENO can’t answer his phone right now due to his admitance into a state mental facility following his psychological break and ensuing attempted murder of dana white. please leave a message and XENO will call you back in 10 to 15 years.

Hi, this is UFC Heavyweight Matt Mitrione. I had a plan on what to say here but I forgot what it was, just like I forgot how to punch and kick in the Kongo fight.

Believe it or not, Michael isn’t at home.
Please leave a message at the beep.
I must be out, or I’d pick up the phone.
Where could I be?
Believe it or not, I’m not home!

Sung to the tune of the “The Greatest American Hero” theme song.

Hi, this is UFC Heavyweight Matt Mitrione. Skeletor is away from his phone or is on the other line. Please leave a message after the tone.

please, someone think of one thats actually funny.

Hi, this is UFC Heavyweight Matt Mitrione. Pen-[turns away from phon])Hey! Hey! What did I tell you about shoving shit up there? You fucking moron! That’s an out hole not an in hole. So help me God, when I’m done leaving this message-see this? See this? I’m taking off the boot. Are you crying? I’m about to give you something to cry about! You little piece[turns back to phone]can’t, uh, isn’t here, so, uh, leave a message. [turns back away from phone] You little rat bastard! I sweat to God I’ll fucking- *BEEP*

Hey this is UFC heavyweight Matt Mitrione. The Brown Family can’t come to the phone right now. Amy is online at cagepotato.com keeping up on all things MMA. Chris is re-watching MY second Round knock out of Marcus Jones . And the girls are fighting over daddy’s new TrauMMA Combat Apparel T-shirt. Leave a message and in between rounds someone will call you back!

First off, I can’t stop laughing at Karma’s…lol

Hello, this is UFC heavyweight Matt Mitrione, but you can call me Meathead. Leave my nigga Kyle a message, and he will get back to you once he is done waxin’ that big booty bitch of a mother of yours.

Oh, and btw, cockchest sucks.

Hello, this is UFC heavyweight Matt Mitrione, Jared’s sexual fetish involving pulley systems has left him restrained at the moment, so leave a message and he will likely return your call when all of the blood has rushed back to his head.