Y’know, I thought CagePotato had the lock on sarcastic headlines. But we’re total amateurs compared to the Memphis Commercial Appeal, which has named Quinton Jackson (*cough*) “Sportsman of the Year.” Yes, this Quinton Jackson. (And this one.) How did the Appeal come to place Rampage ahead of such remarkable athletes as Peyton Manning, Roger Federer and Tony Parker? Well, for starters…
– He’s a follower of The Secret: “I envisioned this happening…So it happened.”
– He’s smart enough to know when Jesus was wrong: “When people talk about how Jesus wouldn’t want people to fight, it can’t be true. I’m living proof.”
– His ability to predict box-office hits is uncanny: He has a role in a feature film, “Midnight Meat Train,” which stars Brooke Shields and is scheduled for release this spring. Jackson understands the title sounds slightly salacious, as he explained to one female friend: “It’s not a porno.”
– The story of how he found God is particularly inspirational: “I prayed to God,” Jackson said. “‘God, I’m a coward. Give me the strength to use the restroom. I don’t want to pee on myself in front of my son at my friend’s house.’”
– He has “yellow fever,” and doesn’t care if it’s publicized in newspapers: After a string of victories, he traveled to Japan to compete in the PRIDE organization. There, he honed his skills and his affinity for Asian women, which probably helped accelerate his fluency in Japanese and Vietnamese.
Well, we’re sold. Stay tuned next week as the Commercial Appeal names Tay Zonday as “Singer of the Year” and Lynne Spears as “Mother of the Millenium.”