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Quote of the Day: Brock Lesnar Is Built Like a Black Man


(Photo courtesy of Maxim.)

“I bet you I’ve taken over 60 steroid tests. In college I had 15 random drug tests in two years. I’ve taken drug tests for the NFL, the WWE, the UFC. I must be pretty good at masking steroids. God gave me this body: Are you jealous of it or what? Give me a break. I got the genetics of — not to get into racism or anything — but I’m built like a black man…It’s all genetics. I wouldn’t say we’re all created equal. That’s just to make the other guys feel good who don’t have what you’ve got.”

So says UFC heavyweight champion Brock Lesnar in a new Maxim magazine profile, discussing the allegations of steroid use that have followed him from the WWE to the Octagon. For an entertaining recap of Brock’s life and career, read the rest of the article here. Or you could just read the two best parts after the jump…


*****

His 56-inch chest looks like it was made to be draped with shackles; it’s the torso of a man who, in another time, might have led a galley slaves’ rebellion. His slit-eyed, crew-cut head is like a boulder you might find lying around Easter Island. He seems simultaneously mythological, like a golem, and cartoonish, like the Thing.

Lesnar tunes in to an all-metal station on the radio, and a P.O.D. track begins churning through the room. A few warmup exercises later, he and [long-suffering training partner Chris] Tuchscherer don gloves and begin sparring. “Forward, forward!” Lesnar yells, but Tuchscherer, a beefy, dopey-sweet blond kid who weighs 265, can’t stop retreating. As Lesnar hammers him with fists the size of cinder blocks, Tuchscherer covers his face. Behind his gloves you can see him wincing in fear — a strange sight in a man so large. He inches tentatively toward Lesnar; all he’s doing, it seems, is trying not to be a pussy. Finally, the inevitable: Lesnar lands a huge, crunching shot to the side of Tuchscherer’s head — and then turns away, suddenly bored. It’s not easy for the baddest man in sports to find a worthy foe.

Meanwhile Tuchscherer leans against the wall, blinking and working his jaw and facial muscles. “I was so dizzy I would have fallen over if I didn’t grab the wall,” he says later. “I had to gather my brain up again.” On that morning, I’m later told, Lesnar was sparring at just 70 percent of his full strength.

*****

An assistant is oiling Lesnar’s body. Gleaming, he looks unreal, Photoshopped; I’m reminded of the strange sense you have when he fights that you’re watching something computer-generated, some kind of CGI monster in a movie, because of his combination of unnatural hugeness and unnatural lightness on his feet…

Approaching him, I’m hit by the cloying scent of the oil smeared all over his torso. We’re talking about Frank Mir when I interrupt to joke, “You smell delicious, by the way.” I do know what I was thinking: There’s something comical about an enormous man who’s basically wearing perfume. But as soon as I utter those words, I realize I’ve fucked up massively. Galactically. You do not make sexually ambiguous quips to a man who grapples intimately with other men for a living.

Lesnar’s eyes narrow. His lips tighten. “What?” he asks. His tone is equal parts malevolence and disgust.

“What is that smell?” I stammer, trying to sound offhand about it.

He’s watching me closely. “Oil,” he sneers.

I brace myself for the most tooth-jarring, eardrum-popping bitch-slap ever administered, but it never comes. When he beats you up, as he did Chris Tuchscherer, or backs you down, as he’s just done me, you cease to exist for Brock Lesnar. He turns toward a photographer. “You want me to look at the camera?” he asks. “Or should I look through it?”

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eGo-T- February 23, 2012 at 1:22 am
Thanks for sharing!@
ScrambledEggs- June 21, 2009 at 7:36 pm
This guy is one great big sack of SHIT!
J-Dog- June 19, 2009 at 9:49 am
Not to sound racist or anything, but black people excel at sports because black people were selectively bred just like animals during the slave days. It's an ugly fact of history.

Yeah the article sounded like it was written by a homo. It was almost like a Penthouse forums letter or something. "An assistant is oiling Lesnar's body. Gleaming, he looks unreal, Photoshopped".... "He bends over and his firm buttocks look as though they were carved from granite..." Oh wait, that last part wasn't in there... It just sounded like it was headed that way several times!
jaileer- June 19, 2009 at 5:20 am
the actual best part of the article?

"Mir ... says ...Lesnar’s strategy will play directly into his own legendary submission skills. White calls Mir “one of the two greatest heavyweight submission guys ever.” “There’s no way anybody can roll with me for 25 minutes and not get tapped,” Mir says. “It’s just impossible.”"

It's just impossible! This might be the battle of the two biggest ego's in the entire world. BJJ is gonna be Lesnar's kryptonite...
Kadumel- June 18, 2009 at 8:54 pm
I think cwr might be gay or something. Who cares if he is a homophobe, so he does not agree with your lifestyle and all of a sudden he's a bad guy. What happened to the tolerance you liberals always preach? Get off your high horse asshole not every one agrees with being gay.
ImaAssSpankMe- June 18, 2009 at 8:28 pm
It's good to see you can still get unbiased journalism these days.
Clayton- June 18, 2009 at 6:55 pm
Dmonicideals: Aside from missing the point entirely re: why these issues are sensitive to many people, then putting words in my mouth, it's quite clear that you responded with over-sensitivity and a bit of an agenda. Calm down, and think critically. It's also evident with your last spiel about caddies and what not (I'm not black, btw, and would not laugh at a joke about small penises and "chinamen") that you're a classic racist. The world's passing you by, my man. You can sit there in your corner staving off the cognitive dissonance for only so long before it bites you.
Maitreyan disciple- June 18, 2009 at 6:53 pm
LOL at pumpernickle
The Harvester- June 18, 2009 at 6:12 pm
Some of you people are hilarious. Lesnar is just trying to make a living and he likes to fight. He doesn't claim he is the best in the world, but he is good. Give him props his fights are fun to watch, and he will be forced to continually fight the best in the world... Unlike Fedor, he will be challenged by talent and fighters in their prime.

It still makes me laugh that Fedor's last two opponents were such big jokes and were beaten by low tier guys quicker and more convinvingly then done by Fedor.

kula- June 18, 2009 at 5:48 pm
@ ballptpentheif

i agree with you
ScrambledEggs- June 18, 2009 at 5:39 pm
Nice Giant Cock Tattoo!
just some dong- June 18, 2009 at 5:16 pm
any men's magazine = gay men's magazine
831 Son- June 18, 2009 at 5:07 pm
UFC Fan, thats what I was saying- Brock will beat up mir on the feet. But yea I probably agree with you that Mir will win by sumbission or somethin.
FatIrishPirate- June 18, 2009 at 4:53 pm
am i the only one who reads the article and realizes the journalist is flat out making fun of Lesnar? read it again with that in mind, and its pretty funny. The whole article is a tongue-in-cheek homage to the retarded man-love the WWE fans have for a big blond "thing" who sits on people and furiously masturbates the air on top of their faces.
Dmonicideals- June 18, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Curtis says:
"Between the trivialization of slavery and the Brock's grossly inaccurate racial stereotyping, I'm thinking these two need to wake up to the 21st century."

get tf out of here with that cry-baby shit. Was anyone you know a slave? Were their parents slave? The grandparents? Nope.

I can only assume that you were saying we "trivialized" slavery because Senate apologized for something that hasn't existed in over 150 years, but have no intention of paying you for the indignities that the black folks alive suffered........... 150 years ago. How far back do we have to apologize for? Maybe we should sue all of the black people on the planet for when the Moors sacked Europe and raped and slaughtered and conquered, and yep, they took slaves. White slaves, green slaves, even blue slaves. No one has trivialized slavery, it trivialized itself when it CEASED TO EXIST in this country. If you are so concerned about slavery, why don't you take your sorry ass to Darfur and free THOSE slaves, you know, the ones that Africans keep. No, it is much easier for you to sit here and call other racists because they compare themselves to another race. A race that just happens to be, it would appear if you have ever watched organized sports, gentically predisposed to stronger physiques. If he came off with that line, but then continued "except I got a little dick, like a china man", you know you would have been laughing your ass off. So get off your high horse, we ain't buyin' you and yer whole family caddies because of things that we didn't do, were never a part of, and that happened before your great grandpa was a stain in his daddies pants.
Dmonicideals- June 18, 2009 at 4:10 pm
Little behind the times guys? I read this article a month ago, at least.
ReDx- June 18, 2009 at 4:06 pm
What fight were you watching KidDinomite? He didn't hit him in the temple, he hit him behind the ear.
BallPtPenTheif- June 18, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Sarcastically telling a gay man he smells delicious isn't gay. I mean who's the fully body shaved male temptress that's rubbing themselves down in greasy flowery smelling oils?
UFC fan- June 18, 2009 at 3:47 pm
hey bens, what part of my post makes this stupid site think it's spam? fix that would ya? its annoying.

let me quote myself:

"The only thing about Brock I like is his anti-gay attitude, I know how he feels I hate you fags as well. he shoulda bitch slapped the guy for saying he smelled delicious.

831 I gotta disagree with you, I think Mir is gonna take him out...again. Most likely the exact same way. Brock will hit Mir...Mir will go down, grab his leg, contort into a ball and roll one way or the other, Brock won't know what the fuck to do, cause all he knows is stand up and push you like an OX and get you down and beat you like a down syndrome child in heat.
Mir will submit him and walk around all cocky, and Mr cock chestner will have to be restrained cause he is a piss poor loser and still acts like he is in the WWE.

As for COCK saying he is built like a black man.....for a anti-gay man he sure talks gay, and makes some fucked up racist profiling statements which also enforce the perspective that he is a big inbred dumbass. "
NateGetsIrate- June 18, 2009 at 3:12 pm
So i was re-reading the article and thought the folowing qoute seemed a little strange coming uot of a men's magazine.

"An assistant is oiling Lesnar's body. Gleaming, he looks unreal... a man who grapples intimately with other men for a living... He’s watching me closely. 'Oil'."


BallPtPenTheif- June 18, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Maxim is the male equivalent of Redbook and Vanity Fair. Any dude who has to reaffirm his masculinity with a bullshit magazine full of fake stories and shitty writing has issues.
Dante- June 18, 2009 at 3:02 pm
Maxim is a gay men's magazine? You are one dumb dude. Get a clue.
BallPtPenTheif- June 18, 2009 at 2:23 pm
I knew Maxim was a gay men's magazine and that Brock Lesner was the god of all douche bags. I think if you kill Brock Lesner by severing his baby penis from his torso that all the other douche bags allover the planet will instantly die.
thatswhatsup- June 18, 2009 at 2:08 pm
"it's just hard to like a guy who has never been an underdog a day in his life" - forrest griffin on brock lesnar
Old_Bald_and_Irish- June 18, 2009 at 2:05 pm
Is it just me or was that one of the WORST WRITTEN ARTICLES EVAH (Baroni-ism)!

"a beefy, dopey-sweet blond kid "


"56-inch chest looks like it was made to be draped with shackles"

"led a galley slaves’ rebellion"

...geez, man...get a room already.
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