(It was like this, but smellier.)
Whether you are a man of religion or a man of science, there are those few urban legends out there that, despite their lack of physical evidence or confirmation, are universally accepted as truth. So goes the story of illustrious judo champion Gene Lebell’s confrontation with the true Godfather of mixed martial arts, Sensei Steven Seagal.
The story goes like this: while on the set of Out for Justice, Seagal happened to mention that, as a result of his Aikido training and extensive blues guitar playing, his Senseiness was impervious to chokes. LeBell, who at 58, happened to be a stunt coordinator on set at the time, opted to take Seagal up on his boisterous claim. Seagal accepted, was choked out, and proceeded to pee and/or poop his pants. Due to an alleged gag order placed on everyone from LeBell to the cast and crew who happened to witness the event, no one has come forth in the time since to confirm or deny this story. John Leguizamo brought it up once, and was promptly beaten to a pulp.
Well let today, March 12th, forever be known as a triumph for the human race, as LeBell has finally broken his silence. And according to him, even if Seagal did in fact poop himself, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
When questioned on the alleged incident during The MMA Hour by Ariel Helwani, here’s was Judo Gene’s poetic retelling:
Well, if a guy soils himself, you can’t criticize him, because if they just had a nice big dinner an hour before, you might have a tendency to do that.
I would just like to pause here for a moment and inform you all that this statement is going to be the epitaph carved on my gravestone. Anyway, to the story.
Steven Seagal is a very outstanding martial artist. I’ve got nothing against Steven. Personally, myself I don’t think he’s taught these mixed martial artists how to win a match…He’s done a lot for martial arts, but I know where he’s insulted Randy Couture. Well, Randy Couture if he ever got mad, would have him for lunch. And that isn’t to put down Steven, but ‘closed mouth don’t catch any foot. In other words, you can’t put your foot in you mouth if you keep it closed.
Seriously, the story is coming up. But this guy is just too funny to not be quoted on a constant basis.
When we had a little altercation or difference of opinion, there were thirty stuntmen and cameramen that were watching. Sometimes Steven has a tendency to cheese off the wrong people, and you can get hurt doing that.
OK, so it’s not exactly a detailed account of what went down. But saying that a man shouldn’t be ashamed of shitting himself on account of the fact that he might have had a steak dinner an hour ago is about the most clever manner of confirming this story that we have ever heard. Because, though it is acceptable for say, a bed stricken old man to shit himself, it is not OK for a 30 something action movie star to do the same, unless the previous meal came from Chipotle, which to my knowledge did not exist at the time. Just like it’s not cool for an eighteen year old McDonald’s employee who just experimented with the day-old chicken McNuggets on his lunch break and had to work drive thru for the next four hours to shit himself. There is a reason those nuggets get thrown out after the timer goes off, is all I’m saying. I didn’t need that job anyway.
So to sum up: Seagal likely shit himself, and LeBell is one classy dude. These are the words of the lord.