By Seth Falvo
“If you’re gonna take a baseball bat to a Horseman, finish the job! Because there’s one rule of gang fighting. See, we are the original gang and we’re the most vicious in all of professional wrestling history. They send one of yours to the hospital, you send two of theirs to the morgue.”
Those four sentences do more than anyone else could possibly hope to do in order to establish why “The Four Horsewomen” are anything but. On Saturday night, Horsewoman Shayna Baszler had the opportunity to get revenge on Bethe Correia, the fighter who outpointed Horsewoman Jessamyn Duke at UFC 172 and proceeded to downright ether the stable during her victory celebration. Not to ruin the outcome, but let’s just say that The Four Horsewomen now have to send four of Bethe’s friends to the morgue if they’re still trying to push that angle.
That the legendary Four Horsemen never feuded with nobodies like Hardbody Harrison — and sure as hell never jobbed to sub-.500 fighters — is completely besides the point. “The Four Horsewomen” have become such a tired joke that even mocking people who criticize how loosely they resemble The Four Horsemen on your social media accounts is completely worn out. Since we’re all in agreement that they need a new name, let’s look to some professional wrestling stables who The Four Horsewomen have resembled far more closely. Here are six that fit the description…
A backwoods cult that’s gotten tremendously over with professional wrestling fans, despite accomplishing very little of note.
Why it works: Both factions are led by a compelling, charismatic eccentric.
Why it doesn’t: No offense to Bray Wyatt, but Ronda Rousey has accomplished far, far too much for this comparison to work.
Why it works: “I don’t think there’s ever been a more over group that lost every single outing,” Raven recently said of his WCW Flock. You can say the same thing about how over The Four Horsewomen are with MMA fans — even if they think the Horseman comparison is a total farce.
Why it doesn’t: For the same reason it doesn’t work for The Wyatt Family. Ronda Rousey as Raven may sort-of work when comparing their personalities, but in terms of their accomplishments, it ain’t even close.
Much like MMA fans with “The Four Horsewomen,” professional wrestling fans are trying to pretend that one Warrior nation was never a thing that existed. Sorry for re-opening this wound, guys.
Why it works: Imagine Raven’s Flock, if it were led by an accomplished, ultra-charismatic, clearly insane grappler that fans either loved or hated.
Why it doesn’t: …except for the whole Halloween Havoc 1998 thing, when Hulk Hogan defeated The Warrior in one of the worst worked matches ever, but that’s another story for another day. As is that time Hulk Hogan saw The Warrior in his mirror…
A cheap, inferior knockoff of one of the greatest stables in professional wrestling history – why does that sound familiar?
Why it works: The L.W.O. was Eddie Guerrero and not much else.
Why it doesn’t:
Your argument is invalid.
See, because they were the entourage of a wrestler named “Awesome Kong.” I don’t care that you didn’t need the explanation.
Why it works: A dominant female champion, plus three random ladies who hung out with her. Sounds about right.
Why it doesn’t: Because what, are they supposed to call themselves the Rondarage? Egads, that’s unforgivable.
Consider this your daily reminder that The Attitude Era wasn’t nearly as awesome as you remember it being.
Why it works: Pretty Mean Sisters is regarded as one of the dumbest, most unnecessary stables in the history of professional wrestling. Plus it has the whole “all members were women” thing going for it.
Why it doesn’t: Because there really aren’t enough Al Bundy GIFs on the Internet to properly capture how ridiculous it would be for Ronda Rousey to describe her friends as “The Pretty Mean Sisters of MMA.”