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Renzo Gracie Just Provided the Most Astute Analysis of Rousimar Palhares Ever


(Let’s just say that the cake with a stripper in it ended in a goddamn bloodbath.) 

Much has been done to try and explain away the assholish behavior of Rousimar Palhares in the wake of AnkleGate ’13. Although “Toquinho” —  which means either “Tree Stump,” “The Brazilian Ankle-Eating Sasquatch,” or “OH GOD, I TAP! I TAP!!” depending on who you ask — has been notoriously dubbed a dirty fighter for his inability to release a submission hold when prompted, it was his knee-obliterating heel hook of Mike Pierce at Fight Night 29 that truly took the blood-filled cake, forcing the UFC to release Palhares back into the jungles of Brazil forevermore.

Recently, it was announced that Palhares would emerge from hiding to take on UFC veteran Dean Lister in a submission-only match at the 2013 World Jiu-Jitsu Expo. The MMA world reacted with equal parts fear and excitement — kind of like how Rousimar reacts when he catches his reflection in a puddle. Sadly, WJJE president Renzo Gracie broke the news earlier today that a shoulder injury has forced Palhares out of the match. That is not the must-read material. Renzo’s analysis of Rousimar Palhares the person, however, absolutely is:

Palhares is like a 12 years old kid. He was raised in a farm in Brazil, and you can’t picture a farm in Iowa. He’s so naive. The reality is, he has a completely different mindset. They’re born like Indians, and it’s like getting an Indian from the jungle and expect them to live here.

While this analogy is undoubtedly hilarious, we all know that Paul Harris was actually born in a radioactive swamp and raised in captivity.

Renzo also might want to reconsider how he uses the term “Indian.” All I’m saying is, if there are enough homeless junkie MMA fans out there to cause an uproar when Ian McCall bashes them on Twitter, there’s gotta be enough Native Americans left on this planet to take Renzo to task for insinuating that they couldn’t function in a civilized society. Although now that I think of it, the 1997 Tim Allen vehicle, Jungle 2 Jungle, does lend some credibility to Renzo’s hypothesis.

-J. Jones

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