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‘ReX vs. Jared’ – UFC 143 Edition


(“Hey, my eyes are up here, asshole.”)

Discussing MMA is a lot like discussing politics; what starts off as a friendly difference of opinion more than often spirals into an alcohol-fueled debate, rife with personal insults and name calling, before ending in a sloppy wrestling match that gets both parties banned from their boss’s wine tasting parties for life. Luckily, we have Doug “ReX13″ Richardson and Jared Jones here to dispute all things UFC 143, because frankly, we can’t make heads or tails outta this card.

Let’s kick things off how we normally do, with a completely offhand topic. Who wins the Super Bowl?

RX: Me, if the commercials are good and Bane blows up the stadium.  Let me guess, you’re a-

JJ: GO GIANTS!

RX: I hate you so hard, man.

JJ: First off, I’m not your buddy.

RX: But I never-

JJ: Eli Manning is to the Patriots what Dylan Klebold was to Columbine High School; he cannot be defeated, unless by that of his own doing. Giants 35-27.

RX: Wow…this has gotten off to a rough start. Can we just move on?

Should you invite your MMA newbie friends over to watch this card?

RX: If they watched any of Fox’s programming up to this point, your answer should be “yes.” Diaz vs Condit is a better fight than either of them against GSP, and the winner will probably take the title from him. Yeah, I said it. It needed saying.

JJ: I have never been more certain about anything in my life: Yes. Love him or hate him, Diaz does not know how to be in a boring fight, and the same goes for Condit. The day I see Diaz content to ride out a decision is the day I sell my three story Victorian in Stockton. And that ain’t happening, homie.

On the other hand, if you want to convince your “newbie” friends that the UFC is devoid of all the WWE style antics, watching Diaz flip the bird and taunt someone for upwards of three rounds might not be the best idea.

Diaz vs. Condit: Will illiteracy reign supreme?

JJ: I am living, breathing proof that illiteracy has already reigned supreme, so I’m picking Deeaz bi teknikal nockout in tha ferst rownd. WRA DEEAZ!!

RX:  Are you finis–

JJ: DEEEEEEEAAAAAAZZZZZZZZ!!!!!1! OK i’m dun.

RX:  Well allow me to retort: Diaz has been feasting on sub-par competition and making himself look like a destroyer. The fact that he beats guys at their own games – while calling them bitches – yeah, I get it, Diaz is badass. I agree. I love watching him fight. But he’s stepping up in competition in Condit, a guy that is every bit as well-rounded as Diaz himself. That reach advantage that Diaz uses so well? Gone. Opponent with deficient cardio? Not this time. The likelihood that Diaz can start slow and then pour on the offense, without the other guy taking the initiative? Naw, playa. I realize that lots of folks are calling Diaz to win this, but I think they’ve forgotten about the NBK. I think Diaz may have forgotten about NBK. I think he’s too busy hating the GSP, and Condit is going to remind him that there are no easy fights in the UFC.

JJ: That’s a lot of bitch-ass wordy stuff.

RX: Hey look, people who talk like that in my neighborhood get slapped.

JJ: Aren’t you from like…Scarsdale or something?

RX: Not important.

JJ: *checks Facebook*  Your hometown is called … Whiteville?  LOLOLOLOLOLOL

RX: MOVING ON

Will Fabricio Werdum actually bring the fight to Roy Nelson, or are we in for another “Vai Cavalo” flopfest?

RX: I don’t think Werdum would do anything as dumb as have a boring, tactical fight for his first visit back in the Octagon, but then again, I said the same thing about Anthony Johnson. Werdum won’t be as scared to stay on his feet as he was with Overeem, but he will be looking for a takedown from the first bell.

JJ: I had more fun watching The Tree of Life than I did the Werdum/Overeem “fight,” so he better bring it come Saturday. And considering how Nelson has looked as of late, which is to say, so-so, I’d imagine both guys will be looking to turn some heads with this performance.

RX: Go figure, Danga referencing a movie.

JJ: YOU DON’T GET TO CALL ME THAT ANYMORE!!

RX: Ok, Good Times, my bad. I’m going to give Nelson a pass for the awful fight with Frank Mir, because he said he was was deathly ill with fat syndrome or something, I can’t remember. It wasn’t that lateral acidophilus…maybe SARS?  Anyway, he slimmed down noticeably for his next fight with CroCop, which I must point out he won by TKO not involving a massive belly. I don’t think we’re going to see Nelson and Werdum scrapping, but I do expect a fun fight. Nelson’s got this, though. I mean, it’s not like Werdum has a grappler’s chance, since that’s not even a thing.

If Matt Brown somehow loses to Chris Cope, Zuffa HAS to cut him, right? RIGHT?! 

RX: In my mind, there’s an ideal Strikeforce with a large roster of well-rounded fighters, and all they want to do is scrap. Nobody cuts weight and everybody has cardio for days. The fighters are paid a pretty decent wage and no one cares if you go on a three-fight skid. This ideal StrikeForce would be on Fox, where everybody can see it, and guys like Lyle Beerbohm, BJ Penn, Cung Le, Wandy, Robbie Lawler and Gegard Mousasi would entertain and educate a crowd much better than top-10 UFC fights. Everyone would fall in love with Scott Coker. They probably still wouldn’t be able to manage a heavyweight division, so Beltran is still boned, but still – sounds nice, right?

That ideal Strikeforce, with the three hour time slot on Saturday nights? That’s where I want Matt Brown to go after this fight. *gazes wistfully, wipes tear*

JJ: You ok?

RX: Just … just gimme a minute.

JJ: Each time Matt Brown steps into the octagon, I find myself saying, “he CAN’T lose this one.” And like some kind of Alzheimer’s patient who drinks too much, I always come to in a cornfield with blood on my hands and the memory of being screwed out of yet another parlay. I’d think that Brown has this one in the bag, but anyone who posses a decent guillotine stands a chance of beating him. So if he loses, I say ship him off to your magical island with Jerry Garcia and Tupac and rainbow gumdrops laced with LSD or whatever it is you hippies dream about. 

RX: ”Tupac Liqueur” would be a pretty dope Ben & Jerry’s flavor. 

Since Condit/Diaz will guaranteed take FOTN, who takes SOTN and KOTN? 

RX: Well, we agree on Diaz-Condit being can’t-miss, at least. Submission of the Night probably won’t go to Nelson-Werdum, because I think they’ll both be trying too hard to not get submitted. Renan Barao would be a likely candidate, but I think Scott Jourgenson’s defense will keep him safe. So I’ll pick a dark horse to take SotN: Ed Herman. After a spiffy heel hook win over Kyle Noke, I’m looking for “Short Fuse” to torque something until Clifford Starks taps out.

JJ: Only someone from Whiteville would consider Ed Herman a dark anything.

RX: Ok, good one, ten points for Gryffindor, but I’m not done. To make my picks go from “questionable” to “possibly being predicted by a drunken llama,” I’ll call Dustin Poirier to knock the dust off of Max Holloway. Thoughts?

JJ: KOTN is tough, but that’s a mighty fine pick. I want to say Koscheck will take it, considering his desire to make an example out of Mike Pierce for all the trash he has been talking lately. Then again, Pierce has never been finished, and has faced power punchers like Johny Hendricks before, so I’m not quite sure Kos is going put him away. I’m going to go ahead and predict Matt Brown, because he’s gotta win this one, right? Have I said this all before?

RX: Not to my recollection, no. 

JJ: Good. And you want to make some bold predictions? How about this; Roy Nelson, in Frank Mir-esque fashion, will break Werdum’s sternum and take SOTN, and 1 week after we see the UFC’s first calf-slicer, we will be treated to its first submission via smothering. 

Speaking of bold predictions, it’s time to bring back a good old fashioned screen name challenge. Make one incredibly specific prediction for tomorrow night. The loser must change his screen name for a week. 

RX: I say Scott Jorgensen survives forty-seven sub attempts from Barao, and scores a couple of big slams to excite the crowd.  “Young Guns” scores a decision victory, snapping that gaudy streak of 28 fights without a loss.  If I lose, it won’t matter, since I’ve already decided to refer to you as “Good Times” at every opportunity.

JJ: Fair enough, but if Stephen “Wonderboy” Thompson is able to pull off some sort of crazy kickboxing KO on Dan Stittigen, be it by wheel kick, tornado kick, or Matrix-esque Scorpion kick, you WILL go by SeanMcCorkle’sBruisedEgo from this day forward. Until next week.

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Biffmiester- February 4, 2012 at 4:42 pm
^^(Cameron Frye voice*)
Biffmiester- February 4, 2012 at 4:41 pm
Wow, I just had to clear the cobwebs on this login thingy to comment that I salute Rex for the name change. That's classic.

DangaJones, you're my hero. (
J. Jones- February 4, 2012 at 4:25 pm
That's what I'm talkin bout Wonderboy!
SeanMcCorkle’sBruisedEgo- February 4, 2012 at 4:19 pm
Well, FUCK.
macreadysshack- February 4, 2012 at 1:48 pm
Lol @ FBF and XENO
macreadysshack- February 4, 2012 at 1:08 pm
Good fun article. That's some Delillo level dialog, bras.
Shaky- February 4, 2012 at 5:12 am
I liked it.
fatbellyfrank- February 3, 2012 at 10:51 pm
XENOPHON Says:
Fri, 02/03/12 - 03:05
Talk about one good looking set of tits! Its been a while since I tit fucked my old lady, but tonight she might get a salted shot full!
.................................................................
and nipples like yummy chocolate wagon wheels
fatbellyfrank- February 3, 2012 at 9:35 pm
@ Xeno, yeah, I'va always gone for first pet and name of street, ya ever see a Porno starring a guy called felix Nigel, you may want to gouge yer own eyes out
XENOPHON- February 3, 2012 at 8:06 pm
@MadMaxMadzar - stick around, don't ever leave us - GRIN
XENOPHON- February 3, 2012 at 6:37 pm
...giggles from Xenophon, "Danger Zone" Jonesy! I see. I thought you get those kinds of names buy one of three methods......Method 1. Take your middle name and the name of your first pet. Put them together for your porn star name......

Method 2. Substitute your first pet's name with the name of the street you grew up with......

Method 3. and usually the best one, take your first pet's name and the street you grew up on
KarmaAteMyCat- February 3, 2012 at 6:31 pm
You fucking haters, I love you guys. However that was amazing I had a few good laugh's reading that.
Spitting into the wind- February 3, 2012 at 6:12 pm
This was a shit read all round I gotta be honest.
J. Jones- February 3, 2012 at 5:59 pm
^Pshh. The only reason I graduated college is because my roommate died in what was ruled a suicide. Straight A's all day.
MadMaxMadzar- February 3, 2012 at 5:36 pm
Oh that columbine joke, btw, was expanded upon from a frat house bathroom wall. Love Ya' Jonesy, keep it coming, yous got the skills, even if you are Dangerously Correct with your predictions, usually
MadMaxMadzar- February 3, 2012 at 5:32 pm
I have been waiting to register for too long to finally comment on a 'Danga' article. As the college roommate of the 'danger zone 'danga' jones, I know a thing or two about this so called columnist, didnt get me into MMA, but got me into cagepotato way before he started writing these so called acts of journalism. But hey, the kid knows what he is talking about,for movies and fighting, except that whole thing where the giants fight through for a win. Patriots WILL rape eli in peyton's building, and archie will able to still say peyton is his favorite son.
XENOPHON- February 3, 2012 at 4:55 pm
@RSparrow Says: - too bad Danga-Jones keeps cock blocking for the free "T" shirt, I could have worn it to Vegas tomorrow. Maybe one day I can get them to print a few special edition Xeno shirts - GRIN. All proceeds could to Skippy, Karma, Danga, or Bob Sapp - you know those in real need. Skippy's lobotomy, Karma's bus fair, Danga's HD camcorder,or a bucket of KFC and bottle of Knight-Train for Sapp.
RSparrow- February 3, 2012 at 4:08 pm
Xenos first comment made it worth it
MyFightWiffaCheeto- February 3, 2012 at 3:38 pm
Wow... Just wow. I clicked the jump link just so I could say that. The beginning was that painful.

Rex just argue with yourself next time.
bootystar- February 3, 2012 at 3:37 pm
chicks who love a red bag are the best
XENOPHON- February 3, 2012 at 3:18 pm
You can't play off my "lid of acid" and get away from it much longer. You cocksuckers owe me fucking royalties for boosting my shit about the LSD.
.
@RSparrow - we do what a good jew would do, sue their ass. Or just easier and cheaper to send Jones a used camcorder and tell him there is award awaiting his next horror flick attempt.
bigblockcrx- February 3, 2012 at 3:16 pm
Well that was incredibly gay and a bit fucked up with the columbine joke. The fags that write these articles.......
Jackbequick- February 3, 2012 at 3:09 pm
I was wondering when my girlfriend had that picture taken.... There are a lot of things I don't know about her I guess....
XENOPHON- February 3, 2012 at 3:05 pm
Talk about one good looking set of tits! Its been a while since I tit fucked my old lady, but tonight she might get a salted shot full!
RSparrow- February 3, 2012 at 2:47 pm
Dress em up like the ring girls earlier and group bukake? No but seriously pretty bad week.
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