Steroids in MMA
Which MMA Fighter Will Test Positive For Steroids Next?

Rousimar Palhares Denies Taking Banned Substance, Likely Lying His Ass Off

I’m confused, Potato Nation. You see, this morning I typed in “side effects of steroids” into Google, and took a look at roughly the first ten results. All of the common side effects were listed: Acne, man boobs, shrunken testicles, you know, the good stuff. Most of the websites even covered the long term effects: the aggression, the sterility, yadda yadda yadda. But not a one of those websites listed memory loss as a side effect, yet not a one of the MMA fighters who have been busted for the stuff in recent years seem to remember doing it.

Take Rousimar Palhares and Joey Beltran, for instance, who tested positive for elevated testosterone and Nandrolone, respectively, following their fights at UFC on FX 6 in Australia. Beltran immediately tweeted that a classic case of “tainted supplements” was responsible for his positive test, and it appears that Palhares — who released an official statement to MMAJunkie Friday — is going with a similar defense:

I’ve always been extremely regimented with my diet and would not use anything that could harm my body or my performance inside the octagon. And it wasn’t different this time. I never had the intention to cheat. I’ve got almost 30 fights in my career, most of them in the UFC. I have been subjected to several surprise tests, and there was never anything wrong. Besides, I knew that I would be tested after the fight in Australia because it is standard in the UFC. I have a clear conscience, but accepted the punishment. The rules are there for everyone and must be followed.

I consulted with my doctor, and he will go over all food supplements used in my preparation for the fight and the test results. I want to know exactly what happened that made the testosterone rate unusual in my body. 

I’m sorry, there must have been a translation error when Palhares described his testosterone rate as “unusual.” Because a T/E ratio of over 9/1 is less “unusual” and more “the thing of nightmares.” Come to think of it, Palhares should consider changing his nickname to “The Thing of Nightmares.” Not only does the dude have a history of assholish behavior in the octagon that reads like a rap sheet, but now he’s apparently turning up the power knob on his vice grip arms of death to 11. I guess we can all take comfort in the fact that Hector Lombard was able to beat the piss out of Palhares despite having such a disadvantage in that department.

But seriously, Potato Nation, are any of you even buying this excuse anymore? Those of you who raised your hands can quietly exit the classroom, as you will not be receiving a gold star today.

-J. Jones

Cagepotato Comments

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teep- January 14, 2013 at 2:28 pm
No one accepts their punishment with a clear conscience, if they are innocent. Besides, did anyone test the horse meat in his diet to see what the horse ate? There's the real problem. Now that's a real defense!
Flying Wristlock- January 14, 2013 at 8:09 am
"Stehoids? Never such a thing have heard of."
RwilsonR- January 14, 2013 at 7:56 am
How is Hoosimar supposed to know what banned substance they've injected into his live goat when his handlers lower it into his cage?
J.Jones- January 14, 2013 at 8:12 am
My God, there is so much win in this comment.
Get Off Me- January 13, 2013 at 6:26 pm
When the guy has to dip under the front desk to get your supplements, chances are it may elevate your testosterone levels.
Stop doing that, go easy on the tree bark and drop down to 170.
algiersheadkick504- January 13, 2013 at 6:11 pm
He on the jungle juice
anderson wanderlei paulo thiago alves silva- January 13, 2013 at 11:26 am
Rousimar Palhares and Joey Beltran, for instance, who tested positive for elevated testosterone and Nandrolone, respectively.

I guess only English majors would appreciate this style of writing but its confusing as hell to read.
Olif- January 14, 2013 at 3:45 am
I'm not an English major (I majored in ecology) and I'm not even a native English speaker, but still I didn't find it confusing at all. I'd say that the language of this article is just fine.