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Rumble Johnson Misses Weight, Let Me Tell You How You’re Feeling Right Now

Totally Looks Like:  Sean Kingston

By now, you’ve probably heard the big news of the day:  Anthony “Hey Yo, Is That My Tummy Rumblin’?” Johnson missed weight today in historic fashion, tipping the scales at 197 pounds.  According to some research that I absolutely did not just do, twelve pounds is the most that anyone has ever blown weight anywhere ever, and you can feel free to correct me in the comments.  Vitor Belfort has agreed to fight a catchweight at 197, but has asked that Johnson weigh-in again tomorrow at no more than 205.

Now, maybe I’m not exactly shocked by this — but damn brotato, how do you miss … how do you go UP a weight class because you have a nightmare cut at 170 and the boss has said you belong at 185, then proceed to bulk up like you got a call from Vince McMahon?

Serious question: is Anthony Johnson dyslexic with numbers or something?  Just checking.

The downsides are all on Rumble’s side.  Dana is already going on record calling him “unprofessional”, which may be code for “black”, but in this case is actually code for “I’m going to fuck him worse than he’s ever been fucked before”.  Unless Rumble puts in a Fight of the Night-worthy performance, he will almost certainly lose his job and wind up in StrikeForce, except without their awesome salaries.

First off:  bungalow fans rejoice, because this just became a slugfest.  Johnson has to know that a methodical, grinding win will result in Dana firing him angrily during the press conference (which Johnson would not be invited to).  Johnson is going to have to use his reach and size (ha ha, get it?) to win a stand up fight with Belfort.

Belfort himself comes out of this like a champ, because he can not lose in this situation.  He’s stepping up to save the fight, which means he’ll have a job with the UFC through the next two years or four losses (whichever comes first).  Should he lose, his record will have an asterisk for all eternity that Johnson was a 250 pound roid-monster in the cage, and if he pulls out a win the internet will explode because Vitor Belfort just knocked out a heavyweight holy shit did you see that, bro!? It’s like UFC 13 again, only in Brazil.

Meanwhile Johnson loses pretty much any way you slice it.  He’ll be a visibly larger man in the cage to anyone with rods and cones to rub together, and any win he gets will be tainted.  No one is going to be particularly impressed with a quick knockout on a smaller Belfort, and if he actually tries to wrestle Belfort for a decision?

His ass will need Jesus.



Cagepotato Comments

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XENOPHON- January 14, 2012 at 2:27 pm
I hope Rumble beats the shit out of Belfort. I am going to cry if you 5 posters using 20 aliases get to see Belforts hand raised.
Angry Whopper- January 14, 2012 at 1:05 pm
I used to look forward to this guy beasting opponents in the octagon. Now I want DW to force him up a weight class and leave him there. If he weighs over one more time, either fire him or drop in the pit of molten lava that's got Tito's name on it. BTW, I recently learned that Tito's real name is Jerome. How do you get from Jerome to Tito?
menco- January 14, 2012 at 6:17 am
BTW, the inability to deal with numbers is called dyscalcula ;)
Red Baron- January 14, 2012 at 6:06 am
It's not Johnson's fault, blacks are genetically lazy. Same goes for many pima donna NFL/NBA stars - they use their God-given athletic abilities to reach stardom, but their inherent laziness prevents them from rising to the level of their potential.

In 12 months or less Johnson will be selling crack to make a living.

It's not pretty, but someone has to say it.
Coneblazer- January 14, 2012 at 2:44 am
Nobody likes a fatty... unless your Big Country
twoleftfeet- January 14, 2012 at 2:32 am
Anthony ate one of xenos rants.
Clyde- January 14, 2012 at 2:22 am
"visibly larger man in the cage to anyone with rods and cones to rub together" may be the most geeky statement made in an article so far.
skeletor- January 13, 2012 at 11:53 pm
Catch me before or aftre regular working hours and I will catch you bullshit, Sometimes during lunch as well. either way, you are terrible and an abomination to the internet. Please go Justin Levins yourself, without the whole murdering innocent people part.
Savageleto- January 13, 2012 at 11:33 pm

He was down to 187.5 and a Doctor stepped in and made him stop cutting weight because his body was shutting down. The fluids amped him back up to 197.

So its not as bad as it sounds at first... but it is still pretty bad.
RwilsonR- January 13, 2012 at 10:44 pm
"Hercules! Hercules! Hercules!"
DangadaDang- January 13, 2012 at 9:55 pm
Damn skeletor, I can barely squeeze out a fart around here before your nose finds its way up my ass to tell me how it smells.
RearNakedBoke- January 13, 2012 at 8:41 pm
Johnson has been a pro now for 6 years and hes only fought 13 fights. If he wasnt so inactive he might make weight more. I wish Danga was less active...........
rlh61- January 13, 2012 at 8:36 pm
Fuck, Rexy...I love your style brah!
fatbellyfrank- January 13, 2012 at 7:38 pm
How the fuck do you go 12lbs over??? what sort of fucken camp did they have, who was the dietician, Willy Fucken Wonka??? 12lbs over, that is some pisspoor attitude for a supposedly professional athlete. 12 fucken pounds overweight, Holyfucken sheeeit. January 13, 2012 at 7:17 pm
Rumble can't help it, he's big boned...
Smackdaddiest1- January 13, 2012 at 7:13 pm
For a minute there, I thought "Rumble" was trying out his acting chops in the Broadway version of The Blind Side
skeletor- January 13, 2012 at 6:03 pm
@Danga - Rex actually knows a subtle jab at social issues is much more effective then your blatant cries for attention. Which I would know nothing about.
serendipity- January 13, 2012 at 5:59 pm
Unless GSP falls from the balcony on his way to his seat, and Rumble manages to catch and protect him by sacrificing his own body, he is as good as over in the UFC. He and Fitch will probably be forced to fight each other over and over again every UFC until one of them dies from friction burn.
ghostboner- January 13, 2012 at 5:53 pm
I think his stance on hunting anything is gonna be "We can deep fry that right? Shit let's shoot it then."

Good tags too Rex. Moneyweight, missed weight,
smellypiratehooker- January 13, 2012 at 5:35 pm
Pretty confident I now know " who stole the cookie from the cookie jar "
DangadaDang- January 13, 2012 at 5:26 pm
"calling him 'unprofessional', which may be code for “black”
Nice try Rex, but if you REALLY wanted to stir the pot, you'd talk about Johnson's stance on hunting bobcats. Rookie mistake.
RSparrow- January 13, 2012 at 5:10 pm
Lmao, ya rex... what was that bro!??
skeletor- January 13, 2012 at 5:07 pm
Dana is already going on record calling him “unprofessional”, which may be code for “black”.
Stopped reading right there, fantastic article Rex.
WARBONG- January 13, 2012 at 5:03 pm
looks aerodynamic James Toney.
Fried Taco- January 13, 2012 at 5:00 pm
Jesus made Rumble heavy.