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Sad Video of the Day: Behold, The First XARM Knockout of 2012

(Personally, I think this is a reasonable reaction.) 

We don’t mean to judge a book by it’s cover, but when that cover is a 327 lb man who goes by the name Tater Williams, it’s safe to say that he will more than likely end up on the wrong side of a knockout. Scratch that. If anything, a 327 lb dude named Tater Williams should most certainly end up on the RIGHT side of a knockout. His name is freaking TATER FREAKING WILLIAMS, and he uses catchphrases like “Five of these across the sneeze,” and “You’re gonna get ‘that’ about 147 times” in between asthmatic gasps for air. “That” being the aforementioned sneeze punches. Throw in the fact that Tater is apparently “a really great athlete” who has studied judo, wrestling, sambo, and had a high school wrestling record of 226-12* and not only is Tater suddenly looking like a well-rounded Goliath, but one who could demolish the likes of Junior Dos Santos, Cain Velasquez, and Alistair Overeem. At the same time. While in a diabetic coma.

Sadly, things do go quite according to plan in the next chapter of the XARM saga (but have they ever, really?), a sport so hilariously misguided that it really makes you yearn for the subtle nuances of wheelchair MMA. In today’s contest, Tater finds himself matched up against the slightly-slimmer Bond Laupua (I swear to God I am not making these names up), who is quick to admit that “I don’t really have a strategy” heading into the fight. The announcers inform us that Tater’s gameplan was to gain weight. HOW DID HE LOSE THIS.

Find out below.

Well, at least it was quick.

Is it just us, or when Tater and Bond are “jogging for position” as one of the announcers put it (we think he meant jockeying), does it look like they both got their hand stuck in the same pickle jar and are desperately trying to get the last one at the bottom? And speaking of announcers, you just gotta love that when the knockout abruptly comes, the “color commentator” simply gives a delayed “Holy shit!” I guess the color he specializes in is brown, amiright guys?! *crickets*

But alas, a knee at the 1:30 mark forces Tater to go into Bob Sapp mode, except he can’t fall to the ground because his other arm is attached to that of his opponent’s. A few kicks to the face and that is all she wrote for the Tater, whose chicken pot pie will taste just a little bit worse tonight. Laupua followed through on his promise to knock Williams out on the feet and leave “300 pounds dangling” from the XARM table. Now go collect your trophy, which probably looks something like this, and let’s move on.

Come to think of it, we should try to get Sapp to convert to this freak show. His “striking” technique would fit in perfectly with the drunken baby style that XARM has nearly trademarked, he would get punched far less, and he could finally fight guys somewhere near his skill level. Or we could witness the first submission to strikes in XARM history. Either way, the audience clearly wins.

Now Goldstein, what do I have to do to get some CP shirts made with Tater fist-posing on the front and the phrase “Five of these across the sneeze” on the back? Seriously, I’ll give a week’s pay if I have to.

*I cannot confirm any of that, nor have I bothered to research it. His name is Tater, therefore he is telling the truth. Besides, his reputation clearly precedes him

-J. Jones

Cagepotato Comments

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Buster Hyman- September 19, 2012 at 12:48 am
i would wear that shirt at my wedding and let that fat fuck be my best man.

someone at least make a meme asap
SethF- September 18, 2012 at 8:26 pm
Five of these across the sneeze sounds like a terrible sex act.

So yeah, I'd wear a CP Five of these across the sneeze shirt.
GrandShamrock- September 18, 2012 at 4:46 pm
People complained that the UFC looked gay, in XARM they go directly into holding hands!
Alan K- September 18, 2012 at 4:12 pm
Really? You get paid to do this? Wow.
crappiefloper- September 18, 2012 at 3:51 pm
This is the next great sporting endeavor of our day! Have a damn redneck trifecta with xarm, pro wrasslin, and monster truck races. Sell deep fried hopes and dreams in the stands and wash em down with a super sized mug of molten lard
Pen Fifteen- September 18, 2012 at 3:20 pm
I bought a Billy Ray Cyrus shirt once, so there is no way a Tater Williams shirt could be any more of a waste of money.
Mr_Misanthropy- September 18, 2012 at 2:47 pm
That wasn't a KO. He just had a little heart attack from the six buckets of fried chicken he ate in preparation for his athletic endeavor. Nothing to worry about, happens all the time.

You can probably count me in on the shirts.
boober- September 18, 2012 at 1:22 pm
Knockout...turlting... what's the difference eh?
BigCuev- September 18, 2012 at 1:03 pm
Stupid Chumlee impersonator
angry little feet- September 18, 2012 at 11:01 am
@ Anhonestmoose I absolutely agree. How this abomination of a 'sport' still exists is beyond me. And those people in the stands- they are no doubt the same people you see on Youtube accidentally blowing off their own extremities immediately after uttering the words " Hey! Lookit what I can do!"
@ J.Jones I would sooner shove bamboo under my fingernails than be forced to wear that guy's likeness on a shirt.
@CP I hereby renounce your evil reply button that insists on hiding my replies.
Darkside- September 18, 2012 at 10:49 am
"Dangler Alert?" Wow... Also, I would totally buy a "Five across the sneeze" t-shirt.
2DaDeath- September 18, 2012 at 10:46 am
I wouldn't. To obscure
Tater-Williams- September 18, 2012 at 10:41 am
I would
The12ozCurls- September 18, 2012 at 10:30 am
You know what? I am speechless. I have nothing to add.
Excuse me while I go rub some shit in my eyeballs in hopes of finding some relief from what I just watched. Up yours Tater! You look like a walking water bed with a head!
Lockefan- September 18, 2012 at 10:20 am
"except", not "accept"
J.Jones- September 18, 2012 at 10:30 am
Blurg. Thanks for the catch.
RearNakedSpoon- September 18, 2012 at 9:53 am
I think I remember seeing most of that crowd in the background of some BangBro's productions.
Sakuraba3900- September 18, 2012 at 9:24 am
He was actually a very good wrestler out of Calvary Chapel Costa Mesa from the coach John Azevedo days but as you can see that didnt stop him from becomin morbidly obese and a complete asshole. And trust me when I say this... HE IS MUCH MUCH WORSE IN PERSON
Anhonestmoose- September 18, 2012 at 9:18 am
I think the thing that surprised me most was that there were actually a couple hundred people in those stands. Who are these people? What long, sad, tedious and repetitive road led them to say to themselves "I think I want to watch a couple guys arm wrestle, and if that doesn't pan out maybe they can hit each other in the face."?
chaxloeger- September 18, 2012 at 9:09 am
ko wasn't official until the dubstep