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21 Humans Who Make Being Human Look Really, Really Hard

The Santino Defranco ‘TUF 9′ Blog #3: Of Porn-Staches and Stank Breff


(You think that’s gay, just wait ’til you see what they did to Andre Winner‘s rainbow-colored booty-shorts.)

Ricardo Feliciano abuses the English language, Cyrille Diabate abuses alcohol, and more behind-the-scenes nuggets from Wednesday’s episode of The Ultimate Fighter, courtesy of Team USA lightweight Santino Defranco.

***

Jason Dent and Frankie Lester are officially part of the "Independent Americans". The fighters from the USA, myself included, were by no means a cohesive unit like the UK fighters. Team UK ate together, with head chef and cooking captain Dean Amasinger at the helm. They played together, participating in sports, WWE-style wrestling matches, and other limey-esque games generally led by England’s bouncer of the year and lead playwright, Dave Faulkner. And, with my new knowledge, thanks to modern technological devises such as cameras and tele’s, I have seen that they trained together, led by the "Gov’na" himself, Michael "TV will show how I can throw a tantrum" Bisping". The American counterparts, on the other hand, would have little to do with one another.

To the defense of the seemingly megalomaniacal Americans, we had just met each other and were now being recorded 24 hours a day by camera crews, some of whom had handlebar porn-staches and even went to the extreme of hiding in our closets in the middle of the night. That was a bit awkward for us. Team UK, however, had almost two weeks to get acquainted with each other before filming began. Team USA was not afforded that luxury, as we fought and were immediately thrown in a house with an angry, drunk hobbit. We were getting to know every one’s personality and idiosyncrasies during the first few weeks of filming. There was, however, a common ground of distaste between the Yanks, personified by the "Count", Michael Bisping.


Bisping enjoyed a good heckling of us "insignificant winjers" (he never actually called us that, but I imagine those words were circulating around in the patronizing head of his). From the first day of training, the Gov’na was sliding snide comments in where he could get them and was even more vocal if he found the "handlebar porn-stache" around, for a good recording of his clever words directed at our team. It was interesting to see the change in the Gov’na, and his interactions with us "Eagles" over the course of the filming of the show. In the mean time we were treated to the delight of watching him anger Demarques beyond comprehension. "D" would get fired up something fierce at every stabbing comment of the Gov’na’s and would never shy away from his own coarse words. The Gov’na was always soon to reciprocate in the verbal joust with Demarques, and even Dan Henderson, which eventually led to a "boiling point." (That, you will just have to wait for though).

With the show underway and Bisping enjoying camera time, the Independent Americans were also engaging in some training sessions as well. Nothing as fantastically unified as team UK, but we were getting some training in nonetheless. I was relegated to the "JV" boxing squad where I would do little more than jab for my tenure in the house. I know I am no Buakaw, or Ernesto Hoost, but I thought I had a little in the way of stand up fighting. Incorrect was I in the eyes of my talented coaches. I worked my jab, and that was that.

The highlight of the first few weeks of training was the constant, verbal beating "Pancho"(who spells it "Pantcho"), our Jiu Jitsu coach, took from Dan and Cyrille for his comical misuse of the English language. At one point "Pantcho" told me he was going to "F*** me!" After a little deliberating with Cyrille he decided to correct himself and inform me he meant "F*** me uppey!". That’s right, "uppey". And "Armey". And "Punchy". Basically, if it ended with a consonant, he would add an "ey" to the end of the word and if it ended with an "ey" he would leave it out. Interesting this…Pantcho. He was hilarious and always offered great comic relief to our stressful situation.

Cyrille was a great asset with his unbelievable Thai Boxing techniques, although I don’t think I saw him one day without the stale, reeking breath of a homeless drunkard. The two could party, that’s for sure. Even after a good night of boozing, Cyrille had no problem knocking my mouthpiece out of my squawk box with a light foot jab to my sternum…that was pretty demoralizing. However dysfunctional our group was, we managed to get by and even pick a fight with a Brit.

No we didn’t jump anyone with tube socks stuffed with soap bars. We had first fight pick due the coin toss from Dana, our paterfamilias. With that toss came the question "Who is ready to fight?", from Dan. Meat Missile answered, "I’m ready to fight, I don’t really care", in about the most nonchalant way imaginable. It were as if he asked someone to pass him the salt or something.

Nick Ostasomething was picked and once again Bisping jumped in with his "We don’t need any luck" (or something along those lines), statement.

Fight day came and I think everyone on Team US expected Mark to run right through Nick. Something happened within the lines of communication, though, and Nick didn’t get the memo. He came to fight, and fight he did. The first round set the standard for our season and after five arduous minutes of back and forth action the round came to an end with possibly a slight edge going to Nick. The fight was really close and could have very easily gone either way. As the two came out for the second round, it was apparent that Nick had a little more cardio and after a couple exchanges and scrambles he hit Mark with a high kick that dropped him. Mark wasn’t really out, but the kick did legitimately drop him, and with him being so fatigued it looked worse than it was. Hat’s off to you Nick, and, hopefully, by the end of this season I will be able to pronounce your last name.

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Dagnut- April 27, 2009 at 5:03 pm
A fair and rational comment...you sure you're in the right place?...I think you took a wrong turn somewhere.
USA- April 27, 2009 at 3:44 am
I think you guys that don't like Bisping just don't get the British sense of humor, most of the time he's not trying to be a dick he's just having a laugh. People are taking him too seriously. Someone above said that he's just getting into the spirit of things and I'd say that that assessment was spot on.

And as for people who think there's this conspiracy that Bisping is getting an easy ride in the UFC, that's bull. Most guys who win TUF don't get big fights for at least a few years after entering the UFC, Bisping is no different. Oh, and Rampage says that Bisping's a lot better than he thinks he is, and if you guys are so convinced he's arrogant then that can only mean he's the next Anderson Silva!!!!

Demarques is way too easily aggravated, at the end of the day Bisping would tear that guy to shreds yet every time Bisping says anything Demarques comes out and runs his mouth off like he's Rampage Jackson, but he only ever says anything when Bisping isn't around.

I liked Mark, sad to see him go. Thought he was unlucky not to finish Nick with the guillotine a couple of times, having said that I'm pretty sure he tapped to one of Nick's in the first round.
Ls18- April 25, 2009 at 6:18 pm
I might not use words like polysyllabic, but at least my punctuation and grammar are on.
Capital letter wouldn't go amiss now and then buddy.

1-0 U.K.
did a brit shag your mums ass piece? call springer 5559857- April 25, 2009 at 6:14 am
whatever steve o just get your mum to stop licking my windows before i start pelting the fat twat with big macs
Dagnut- April 25, 2009 at 4:36 am
Being Irish we never cheer for Brits..but in this case I'll make an exception. We share the same defacing humour as the brits and it comes from having a small bit of humility, a concept as foreign to Americans as salads. Of course it's not fair to making a sweeping generalization about all yanks but the majority of lads who go on that show are shitbags.
farkov hugh kuntz - April 25, 2009 at 1:59 am
in the oxford dictionary of english it says "polysyllabic: a word used only by complete cunts"
Steve-O- April 24, 2009 at 11:37 pm
oh my god ass piece you're fucking hilarious. it's so awesome that i can read something you've typed and be able to tell you're a limey fuck! keep it up chap, you're making me chuckle.
Steve-O- April 24, 2009 at 11:33 pm
haha you fukking funny sounding brits are cracking me up......even just reading your posts is comedy gold.

and if you guys can't comprehend the polysyllabic words being used then fuck off until you have a better grasp on the language you are supposed to be proficient in.
B- April 24, 2009 at 7:13 pm
Where did this guy learn to write? I Feel like I'm reading words that were vomited onto the page by a retard.

In any case did anyone catch the Kid Yamamoto cameo in between rounds?
LS18- April 24, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Whats with all the anti-British racism?

It's 'whingers' by the way.
did a brit shag your mums ass piece? call springer 5559857- April 24, 2009 at 1:56 pm
that cocky american fighter never sais shit to peoples faces must be chicken shit
i think dent is ok i seen him in the ufc before twice he is a decent inuf fighter
did a brit shag your mums ass piece? call springer 5559857- April 24, 2009 at 1:51 pm
i dont sound like anything your reading dumb ass. hahaha
did a brit shag your mums ass piece? call springer 5559857- April 24, 2009 at 1:49 pm
jealously is a bitch i no better look next time lol
SCM- April 24, 2009 at 1:45 pm
Bisbing is a little bitch is why no one likes him. Hes gonna be hated like Bj penn really soon in my eyes. Fucking British fucked up mouth disrespectful faggot.
Anonymous- April 24, 2009 at 1:35 pm
hey ass peice. You sound like an uneducated child and ur not strangling nobody so shut the fuck up u silly cunt.
Jubbie- April 24, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Bisping is a bit douchey but the way D. Johnson gets so riled up annoys me just as much. The rest of the team lets it go but he takes it so personally.

Characters aside, it's hard not to like the British team when they seem to be taking each fight more seriously. It might be a production thing where they edited out things but the comparison between Brit team's tape study and actual fight strategies instead of Miller's no-gameplan go with the flow style just makes the Americans look lazy and unprepared.
RED- April 24, 2009 at 12:21 pm
You should try to get one person from the Americans and one person from the British to blog for you so we get views from both sides.
drummer- April 24, 2009 at 11:45 am
i'm cheering for the brits,but do hate Bisbing. I hope Henderson smashes him.
did a brit shag your mums ass piece? call springer 5559857- April 24, 2009 at 11:34 am
perma stop chewing your dads jenny warts you silly cunt you dont want us to come over there and strangle you with your hulk hogan fanny pack do you. Anyway we carnt even drill your mum because we dont even speak pakistani and hate the smell of vegtable matter so it would be pointless coming to peasant cresent just to beat fuck outa you when your sister already does a good job of it.
Perma- April 24, 2009 at 10:44 am
Hey Newcastle whore Come over here and talk your shit you inbred child molester... your gay hero Bispring is gonna bitch slapped by Hendo and exposed for the whole world to see how overrated and protected this piece of shit has been the whole time.

Frank Mur- April 24, 2009 at 10:32 am
Somebody PLEASE punch Bisping in his cakehole!!!
Dr.- April 24, 2009 at 10:22 am
Hilarious that people are asking for more simple writing.
-cw-- April 24, 2009 at 9:32 am
I think it's pronounced O'Chip Shack. Every time I hear his name I get hungry for roadside french fries.
did a brit shag your mums ass piece? call springer 5559857- April 24, 2009 at 9:12 am
we do all joke like that in uk my girlfriends dad is miles worse than bisping so are my mates when my girlfriends dad drinks he is like frank from shamless if your a yank look up shamless over the internet then you might get the picture. Take my name for example.
NateGetsIrate- April 24, 2009 at 8:58 am
I still find english subtitles hilarious considering that their speaking fucking english!

"who rot on me shoes?" lololol!!!
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