(The UFC garage-door backdrop — never a good sign.)

Team U.S. lightweight Santino Defranco gives us the inside scoop on Cameron Dollar‘s tall tales, Jason Dent‘s future as a presidential assassin, "black on black crime," and the quarterfinal fight that knocked him out of contention on Wednesday’s episode of The Ultimate Fighter.

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From one of the greatest movies of all time, "You don’t mow another mans lawn."

That statement still holds true today, especially when you are going to announce to the world, on live television mind you, that you slept with your best friend’s wife. Bad form man. Very bad form. I am a married man and the thing I hold "most" sacred in this world is my marriage. There is nothing and I mean NOTHING more sacred to me than my wife and the bond we share. If I found out that my best friend(s) were sleeping with my wife I would live out the rest of my days behind steel bars or in solitary.

Anyways, now that I’m done with being creepy myself, back to the show.


Cameron enjoyed a tall tale here and there, and by the power vested in me I was forced to throw the "B.S." flag more than once on him, and I fully believe every penalty was justified. (I am an unbiased referee, now, what else would you expect?) 70-80 victims?…I mean girls? No freaking way! The kid’s barely 22 years old. And unless he’s paying for it, it didn’t happen. He managed to tell the "bash brothers" (don’t worry you will find out about it), quite a lot of stuff that was most likely something he watched in a movie and removed "character x"’s name and replaced his own name for the sake of the story. I don’t know if he thought we were really that dumb or what, but he wasn’t fooling us. We’re all very bright. Mensa bright.

I have to admit, though, when I first got to the house, Cameron really rubbed me the wrong way, but as the days went by he grew on me (and the others) like a barnacle on the side of a pirate ship. Just as a barnacle is unsightly and annoying on the side of your boat, as you’re trying to maintain an image while marauding commercial ships off of the coast of Africa, it is, never-the-less, relatively harmless. Think of Dollar in this sense: He is really young and one needs to take what he says with a grain of salt. He’s a good kid, just a little insecure with some stuff.

What did happen though was a very entertaining spat between Cameron, Cameron’s hat with the reservoir tip, and Jason William Dent (yes that’s his real middle name). Ever notice it’s always the people that are labeled with 3 names that succeed in presidential assassinations? Hmm? Call me Nostradamus, because if that’s not foreshadowing for Jason’s future, then I don’t know what is.

I hate cliches, but, well…never mind, I love them, and there was "no love lost" (yes, that’s the best I came up with) between 3-names-Dent and Cameron Dollar. Dent accused "Don Juan 80 victims" of stealing something from him rather early in our stay at the house (I will not divulge too much info as it may be aired) and didn’t lose any time to smack him with his sweatshirt after our little love machine slapped Mark outside the van. Regardless of what happened between Mark and Cam, I’m not sure it was Dent’s place to smack the young tween. Lee Harvey Dent was certainly looking for a reason to go at it with Dollar. It won’t be the last.

I will get to my fight after I talk about the "black on black crime" (I’m not sure it’s considered that as one had a British accent), between Damarques and Dean. I have to preface this by saying I love Dean. He was one of my favorites in the house and served as my British counter part as team cook (I did win the French toast challenge though). But, during confessional, when asked how his fight would go with "D", the only thing I could think of was the fact that he had a Mohawk with a bald spot in it. A man with a bald Mohawk can’t beat a thick head of hair and a strong hairline like Damarques’. It’s just not in the cards. The beard was one for the ages, and I do believe it bested the Meat Missile’s Afghani beard, but there was no hope for his hawk. Not with a moulting middle.

It’s too bad I wasn’t able to fight during the show and my alter ego, Turd Ferguson, had to fill in for me. How am I supposed to beat a guy with the last name of "Winner"? What is that crap?

My two fights on the show were by far the worst performances of my life. I wish I could have shown how much better a fighter I am than what was displayed. Not for the viewers, or the critics, but for myself. After having brain surgery and my wife having a much worse brain surgery, I haven’t gotten enough time in the cage to feel as "comfortable" in there as I needed to to perform at the best of my abilities going into the show. I am not taking anything away from Andre, and am not saying I would have beat him, but it should have been a closer fight than that. I’m a good fighter with good skills, but I guess I will have to showcase those skills another time.

However, with the losses came such a great learning experience, and I now feel much better about getting in there and fighting without being as nervous about my health. I found out that I am not made of glass and will be fine in my future fights. I am now much stronger mentally and can’t wait to get back in there and fight. It just stinks that I had to overcome the greatest mental hurdle of my life on national TV.

I’m the champ, Pancho. I’m the champ.

Congratulations on your win, Andre.