DISCLAIMER: This feature is purely a satirical piece- you know, like the title explicitly states. Any references to real people and events are purely for comedic effect. Nothing you are about to read is actual news, and no quotes used in this article are authentic quotes. In short, don’t take anything you are about to read as a real news story.
Pictured: How drug abusing MMA fighters would look if they had some dignity.
The general public has been outraged over Chael Sonnen’s recent comments defending Alistair Overeem, and do not seem to be willing to forgive and forget any time soon. Sonnen defended Overeem on the basis that Overeem simply had an elevated testosterone-to-epitestosterone ratio, and did not test positive for an illegal substance. However, many still believe that Overeem’s elevated T:E ratio was caused by testosterone usage. If true (and it certainly looks true), it gives him an unfair advantage at his job, and therefore is completely unacceptable.
“This is an outrage!” cried Sean Franchetti, a journalist for the popular MMA news outlet Cage Crapato, while snorting his third Adderall of the week. “SorryaboutthatIhave…I have four feature articles due by tomorrow morning, and there’s no way I can do all that without snorting a few lines first.”
“Anyways, I don’t care if he has a prescription for it; cheaters who take drugs that give them competitive advantages should be banned from sports! You don’t see me taking steroids to do my job, do you?”
Franchetti is not alone on his stance towards testosterone usage in mixed martial arts. People across the country seem to agree that drug usage is deplorable- especially when the drug in question makes a person better at his or her job.
“This is why professional sports are such a joke- they all need drugs to do anything meaningful! If you aren’t good enough to do your job without injecting drugs, then you just aren’t good enough to be doing the job in the first place.” says Grayson McDouche, lead singer of the hardcore punk band The Arachnamen. “Guys like Sid Vicious, Dee Dee Ramone, G.G. Allin…they’re the real heroes. If people weren’t such jock-worshipping sheep, they’d idolize those of us who don’t need drugs to create things of meaning.”
But the problem of testosterone usage runs deeper than pure performance enhancement. Some people, like Jerry Conway, president of bodybuilding supplement company Sugarpill Pharmaceuticals, worry that the acceptance of testosterone usage in sports will keep those who chose not to use testosterone- or perhaps those who can’t afford it- out of competitive sports.
“What about the athletes who can’t afford to spend money on testosterone injections, or the athletes that look at [testosterone usage] and think ‘I don’t want to take this, this is too dangerous’? They’re now out of the loop, all because they aren’t risking their health on something their trainers mindlessly told them to take. And when you add on that some of these fighters are getting testosterone at prescription prices, they might as well be sponsored by this abomination to professional sports!”
Sugarpill Pharmaceuticals is the official sponsor of Indiana Super Fights, and sponsors several MMA fighters. Their most popular pre-workout drink, Turbo DecaVar 5000 XTREME!!!!!, has caused four heart attacks to date.
Likewise, Dr. Philip Napoleon, a professor of Bellator History at Louisiana University, worries that athletes are getting unnecessary prescriptions for testosterone, which in turn causes doctors to be hesitant to write prescriptions for people who actually need prescription drugs.
“You got these guys saying ‘I need testosterone because I’m tired from my workouts’ like that’s an unexpected consequence of intense training. It makes the whole thing look like a joke. It’s why it’s so hard to convince doctors that I need an Adderall prescription, and why the English department has trouble getting marijuana prescriptions for their insomnia/back problems/hatred of Doritos/terrible golf swings.” said Dr. Napoleon via email.
“I remember the day it became obvious to me that I needed an Adderall prescription: I was trying to write a two hour lecture on Ben Askren’s fighting style. While watching his fights, I became so bored that I couldn’t focus. It wasn’t just plain old vanilla ‘This fight could be more interesting’ that I was feeling; I literally felt like I’d rather pay attention to ANYTHING but Ben Askren. In fact, at one point during the fourth round of his most recent fight, I almost fell asleep! Clearly, I am a man who needs Adderall, yet so many doctors assume that giving me a prescription would be a farce- all because athletes are getting unnecessary testosterone prescriptions!”
After speaking to fans and pundits, it’s painfully clear that performance enhancement through drug usage is a dark problem in professional sports. Many athletes are getting questionable prescriptions for testosterone, which can be dangerous if misused. Yet these athletes are often naïve enough to think that they actually need testosterone.
Most importantly: it is obvious that the problem of performance enhancement through drug usage is a problem that is exclusive to professional sports, and by no means carries over to the rest of society.