(Batista vs. Undertaker, reffed by Ricky Hatton. A terrifying glimpse into the future of MMA.)
We all go a little crazy sometimes. Strikeforce CEO Scott Coker can certainly be forgiven for losing his mind in the wake of Fedor Emelianenko‘s upset loss against Fabricio Werdum, which wrecked Coker’s chance at a heavyweight title fight between Emelianenko and Alistair Overeem on pay-per-view, and even now seems unreal, a bad dream suffered after a night of torture porn and Indian food. But this is the topsy-turvy world of Strikeforce, where up is down, and guys who just got their asses kicked are #1 contenders. As Coker recently said on Sherdog Radio: “My feeling is maybe Fedor should fight Alistair Overeem and whoever wins that fight gets to fight Fabricio Werdum. Alistair vs. Fedor? I’d love to see that fight happen.”
LOL at "gets" to fight Fabricio Werdum. Is he the champion now? Is that how it works in your little club? Look genius, everybody would like to see Fedor vs. Overeem happen, but unless you want your titles to lose all significance and your matchmaking to devolve into utter chaos, you probably shouldn’t have Fedor challenge for Overeem’s belt after getting subbed in 69 seconds. I know, Brett Rogers got a title shot after being dunced by Fedor, but that situation was different, as Emelianenko was unavailable to fight at the same time Overeem was. In this case, the deserving #1 contender is available (even though he’s asking for an immediate rematch with Fedor, God knows why).
It should be mentioned that M-1 Global has also formally requested a rematch between The Last Emperor and Werdum. The logical title fight, Werdum vs. Overeem, is the only fight that nobody seems to want. Forget it Jake, it’s Strikeforcetown. But Coker’s suggestion of a title shot for Fedor isn’t the only alarming thing he said last week…
Negotiations between Strikeforce and 41-year-old former WWE star David Batista still appear to be on the table, as Coker & Co. try to "put together a deal that makes sense." Sure, that may sound like Strikeforce is opening the freak-show floodgates, but Coker defended the potential signing, saying:
“Just like we did with Herschel (Walker), we’d have to put him into a gym. It doesn’t matter what gym, as long as it’s a reputable mixed martial arts academy. He has to go in there and train because if he didn’t, we’d probably have a short relationship…We’re not the guys that are putting all the circus fights on. [Ed. note: Coker seemed to be referring to Kimbo Slice and James Toney in the UFC.] but in all fairness, look at Brock Lesnar. He made the crossover. Why not Batista? …I think Kimbo’s had his run, so to speak. He’s kind of had his time in the MMA business whereas Batista hasn’t and Herschel hasn’t. We already know how Kimbo will do, so, to me, there’s a little curiosity factor (with Batista).”
Why not Batista? That is indeed the question. And the answer, obviously, is because Batista’s only combat experience involves flying off a turnbuckle. Brock Lesnar and Bobby Lashley come from decorated collegiate wrestling backgrounds, and James Toney is a well-known boxing champion. That’s what makes their participation in MMA somewhat less than freakish. Even Herschel Walker had a black belt in tae kwon do before he started training for MMA, while Kimbo Slice made his name knocking guys’ eyes out in bareknuckle boxing matches, and fans wanted to see if his badass reputation was legitimate. Batista competing for Strikeforce is just a cash-in, no more respectable than Jose Canseco fighting Hong Man Choi. Listen Scott, the pro-wrestler thing has already been done — and much better than you’ll be able to do it.
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"If Emelianenko wins they can have Fedor's first challenger for his belt be Verdum, a guy who just beat him. And for further intrigue The Reemer will take on The Grim at DREAM 18 with the loser getting first shot at the belt, which incidentally will be given to Werdum after Fedor beats him but vacates the position to retire and live in an orthodox monastery in south-eastern Russia to work on a correspondence career of Russian parliamentary work and advocating for blind orphans. The Grim will come into the DREAM bout crazed from the effects of Asian Redbull and Japanese pussy and will mop the floor with the Reemer. The Reemer will immediately fly back to South Dakota for Strikeforce: Mt. Rushmore: Giant Heads of Stone: Carved in a Mountain but will get submitted by Werdum after 70 seconds by flying gogoplata after knocking Werdum down with a giant knee and delivering 47 unanswered hammerfists to Werdum's temple. Refereeing by Kim Winslow. The Big Reemer will be awarded the HW strap in defeat because, alas, Werdum's victory interview discloses the information that he has already been poached by Dana White as his cornerman got hit up with the ":P " on his I-phone's Twitter. This will set up the rubber match of The Big Reemer vs. The Grim Tire Guy for the Strikeforce HW Title at the biggest ever Strikeforce: Incredible Pyrotechnics! This will be held on the burning wreckage of an exploded oil-rig in the Gulf of Mexico off the Louisiana coastline and broadcast live on CBS. The Reemer will come in for the bout at 306 lbs. of raging chemically enhanced horse flesh, he will actually have a head that is beginning to resemble some form of equine minotaur, and he will literally cave the side of Brett Rogers skull in with a single knee. Blood will shoot everywhere, a riot will break out, pyrotechnics will shoot into the crowd and burning bodies will be televised falling ten stories into the pitching sea. Brett Rogers will be the first televised MMA fatality, CBS stock will plummet and Ubereemer will be banned from fighting on US soil (and oil rigs) ever again. Rogers will be posthumously awarded the HW strap and it will be buried with him in a special coffin that will be a replica of Dale Earnhardt Sr.'s stock car. Strtikeforce will cancel their heavyweight division and begin to focus more and more on what they do best: throwing hapless female kickboxers to their doom against Cris Cyborg Santos. The UFC will slowly steal the last of the meaningful talent from Strikeforce and by 2012 Strikeforce will be the premier home for women's MMA, aging ex-professional athletes, and former professional wrestlers who get bored doing cocaine and riding jet skis and need new hobbies.
THE END"