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Side Seat Driver, or, What the UFC Must do to Avoid an EliteXC Style Meltdown on FOX

No matter how many times young Dana White reminded him, Gary Shaw always found himself having the same conversation.

Alright boys, we’ve finally managed to ink a possibly sport changing deal here. I know we’re all excited, but let us not forget that this opportunity to shine can quickly become a bigger disaster than The Green Lantern. I’m looking at you, HEAT, you nearly screwed us all. But this time, we’ve got the fights, my God do we got the fights, to back up all our talk. So, do we want to be winners or losers?! Do we want to change the face of MMA, or kick dirt in its eyes?! Well then, here’s how we do it!!

First and foremost, neither of these men can be within seeing distance of our main event:

Not as judges, not as referees, not even as bathroom attendants should these men by any means be allowed in the building. Now Dana, I know that you complained before over your lack of influence when it comes to choosing the ref or judges for that matter, but I’m pleading to you, they have SCREWED BEFORE. Didn’t one of them just write a book? Yeah, let’s get that guy for this one.

Secondly, we cannot play the drama card at any point during this event. It is cheap, unrealistic, and lumps us in with the likes of the WWE in the eyes of the casual audience member. No stare downs between contenders and champs, especially not immediately following the fight; this can only end in disaster. Let the fights do the talking, as we always have, because that’s where the real “drama” lies.

Speaking of the fights, can we possibly schedule more than one? We do not want to look like the American Idol of the sports world do we? If there’s one thing a crowded bar full of drunken men doesn’t want, it’s to be toyed with. And what if said fight ends in the opening minute? No offense Dana, but those screaming, profanity laced “talks” you and Joe have to kill time at the end of the free prelims aren’t jacking up your PPV sales.

Let’s be honest, except for a few select people out there, the pre fight talk is often the weakest aspect of our pay per views in general, if only because they are so damn predictable. Amidst the clichéd gladiator poses, we’re going to hear how well training has been going, how each fighter is ten times better than their last fight, and how there is absolutely a zero percent chance that either man will lose to the other. Let’s trim the fat and get on with what everyone’s tuning in for. Well, beside the interviews, we should just skip the interviews.

I know it’s early, but we are knocking on history’s doorstep here. This deal could equal validation. It could equal legalization in even the most stubborn of places. Heck, maybe even the anchors over at Sportscenter will talk about us with a tone that doesn’t reek of ignorance and condescension. And we’re lucky enough that this time it seems the people overseeing this deal having a fucking clue about how to run a business. So for now, let’s just take to our G5’s and consider how long it has taken us to get where we are.


Cagepotato Comments

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Malice_Unarmed- September 6, 2011 at 11:32 am
This site needs mods to ban the annoying advertisers.
Malice_Unarmed- September 6, 2011 at 11:31 am
Talking about bad refs, forget if it was Elite XC or Strikeforce that was on CBS I believe for the first time, it was Dan Miragliotta who screwed over the fans and the event with bad stoppages, specially when there was a drop of blood exposed. But yea Cecil Peoples is probably the worst current ref in MMA, Steve Mazzagatti is just retarded. I have faith in the UFC to not repeat the same mistakes.
danomite- September 3, 2011 at 2:41 pm
You can't latch the hood too well if you don't take the can out you no-selling waste of space! I swear to god you're worthless.
Get Off Me- September 3, 2011 at 12:24 pm
I want to make a T-shirt with that Cecil Peoples Photo.
It will be the first mma shirt I wear.
TIME_TRAVELER_FROM_THE_FUTURE- September 3, 2011 at 12:01 pm
Article nailed it.
Key to success, don't do anything Elite XC did.
No 10 minute walk-outs with strobe lights and 50 dancing "cheerleaders"
No "keys to the cage" (not only are they wrong they're insulting to the audience's intelligence)
No annoying, ear-grating, artificially-excited, disingenuous, mildly-retarded play-by-play announcers & interviewers.
No "internet sensation" fighters
Hexed79- September 3, 2011 at 10:11 am
It's easy to bust the balls of web writers, but when you publish 30,000 words a day, mistakes happen. Also, I suspect CagePotato doesn't give a shit about AP style (one of them is Canadian for God's sake).
the silver hawaiian- September 3, 2011 at 9:31 am
How about "..potentially sport-changing deal.."


I just want to know whose job it is to transcribe this shiat to the web, from the napkin upon which it was written (with a crayon).