(Ultiman Premium T-Shirt, only $29.95)

Earlier today we clued you in to the news that UFC is beginning an all-out merchandising blitz following their action figure announcement on Tuesday. We hypothesized that an influx of UFC gear at fine retail outlets such as J.C. Penny’s would just lead to more idiots walking around feeling like instant bad-asses with their official UFC caps cocked sideways. Some of you disagreed in the comments section. Apparently we underestimated your zeal for UFC watches and “wall decor.” Fair enough.

But if that’s the case, you’re going to love this.

In an email blast sent out today, the UFC is encouraging fans to buy hot items such as t-shirts (see above), beer mugs, and leather wallets as gifts for the men in their lives who were courageous or unlucky enough to have sired children. Order now to ensure delivery by Sunday!

I can only speculate what would happen if I gave my father a UFC shirt with “Ultiman” (he’s the embodiment of the UFC, resurrected from the early nineties logo), or a leather UFC wallet as a gift, but I can tell you that it wouldn’t go well. He’d probably look at me and look at Ultiman and wonder why I hadn’t at least bothered to shoplift him a pair of Dockers.

Of course, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe he’d love something like the UFC’s Black Discharge T-Shirt (is it just me, or does “black discharge” sound like something you should see a doctor about?), and maybe he’d wear it without knowing or caring about the logo, the same way my fat white Mormon neighbor wears FUBU clothing in blissful ignorance. Stranger things have happened, I suppose.

Just brace yourselves, because this is only the beginning. We might sound like alarmists now, but when you go to the pharmacy and see those Official UFC Condoms sitting right next to the UFC One-Step Pregnancy Tests (if you see Chuck Liddell appear on the stick, that means you’re knocked up), remember that you heard it here first.