(“Nice flower-tattoo, cupcake. I just got a tattoo of the Virgin Mary being ripped apart by pitbulls, directly on my asshole.” / Photo courtesy of Strikeforce. More pics are below, including one of an alarmingly fat Wes Sims.)
Tonight’s Strikeforce event at the BankAtlantic Center in Sunrise, Florida (aka “Miami”) has such a fantastic mix of high-level MMA and can’t-look-away freak shows. On the top of the card you’ve got Nick Diaz battling for Strikeforce’s vacant welterweight title against head-kickin’ rising star Marius Zaromskis, while 145-pound lady-champ Cristiane “Cris Cyborg” Santos makes her first belt defense against Dutch submission artist Marloes Coenen. On the other end of the card, 47-year-old former football star Herschel Walker will kick off his cage-fighting career against Greg Nagy, while Wes Sims — who owns the physique of a 47-year-old — will do his best to avoid getting squashed by pro-wrestler Bobby Lashley. And somewhere in-between, Robbie “Brawler” Lawler and Melvin “Man-Hoof” Manhoef will launch leather at each other until one of them can no longer intelligently defend himself. If you’re not excited for this card, then you probably don’t use words like “excited” in general. Live results from the Showtime broadcast will be piling up after the jump, starting at 10 p.m. ET. Refresh the page every few minutes for all the latest.
Update: Dubus22 wins the t-shirt! Please send your name, address, and size to email@example.com.
Please submit your predictions for the main card in the comments section. The first person who calls every fight correctly wins a free CagePotato t-shirt.
Jay Hieron vs. Joe Riggs
So far, stream = fail. Is it working for any of y’all?
Okay, here we go. It’s pretty choppy, and every time I type the video kind of freezes, but I definitely see Jay and Joe fighting in a cage. Great work guys. They’re on their feet until the last 25 seconds, when Hieron winds up on top of Riggs. Ugh, this is no way to watch a fight. I’ll just let you know who wins.
Hieron def. Riggs via unanimous decision (30-27 x 2, 29-28)
Showtime definitely knows how to throw together an opening montage. Eat it, UFC gladiator intro. Herschel Walker gets some interview time before the show. He calls tonight the biggest challenge of his career, but he looks calm overall. Stephen Quadros flashes on screen, and I involuntarily flinch. His bottom-teeth are CORN YELLOW.
Bobby Lashley vs. Wes Sims
Without anything else positive to say about him, Mauro Ranallo repeats that Sims is the tallest competitor tonight. Quadros calls him “undisciplined.” Shamrock puts faith in Sims’s jab. I put faith in Lashley’s takedown.
Round 1: Sims holds his hands up, doing his best Nick Diaz impression. Sims throws some jabs. Lashley comes back with punches and completes a double-leg takedown. Lashley jackhammers Sims with short-range punches. Sims tries to set up a triangle, but it doesn’t work out. Lashley gets some space and throws down hard bombs. Sims rolls and turtles, then goes flat as Lashley fires to the side of Sims’s head. The ref stops it. Sims gets up immediately and starts bitching. Lashley def. Sims via TKO, 2:06 of round 1.
Melvin Manhoef vs. Robbie Lawler
Round 1: Manhoef stalks. Lawler throws a jumping kick that misses, and Manhoef lands a body kick in return. Lawler throws a high kick. Hard body kick from Manhoef. And a left hand. Leg kick Lawler. Manhoef returns. Manhoef lands a cluster of punches that make Lawler look a little wobbly. Another barrage of strikes from Manhoef. His leg kicks are blasting Lawler’s legs out, and his punches are doing damage. But Lawler lands a perfect counterpunch right hook that puts Manhoef to the mat, staring at the ceiling. The ref immediately jumps in. Manhoef is out cold. He thrashes around on the mat, coming to. Lawler limps around the cage, his right leg destroyed by Manhoef’s kicks. If he didn’t land that shot, it probably would have been him on the mat. Lawler def. Manhoef via KO, 3:33 of round 1.
Herschel Walker vs. Greg Nagy (which is pronounced “Nudge,” apparently)
Round 1: Nagy has his arms out all weird and Jardine-like. Walker sticks the jab, then lands a nice leg kick. And another. He shuffles his shoulders, putting some showbiz into it. Nagy shoots and Walker stuffs it, sprawling out onto Nagy’s back. Nagy is bleeding onto the mat. Walker transitions on top of Nagy and starts firing down the GnP. Walker puts his knee on Nagy’s chest. Nagy goes for a heel hook but Walker escapes and grabs onto Nagy’s head. Walker moves to north/south, then side-control. He throws down an elbow and is warned for it. Damn Strikeforce rules. Walker with some steady punches from the top. The round ends, and it’s a very impressive one for Herschel Walker.
Round 2: Walker misses a slow leg kick. Then he lands a fast one. And another. They clinch, and Walker slams Nagy down. Walker thinks about the kimura, but gives it up. Nagy rolls to his stomach and Walker stays on him, looking for the rear-naked. Nagy rolls again, and Walker takes mount, with his knee on Nagy’s arm. Nagy slips out the back door and gets to his feet, and Walker puts a knee in his face. Walker puts Nagy back on the mat, smothering him. Nagy is on his stomach, not fighting back as Walker throws punches into his head. Nagy is helpless. Walker in mount, piling on the damage as the round ends. 2-0 Walker.
Round 3: They clinch and fall to the mat. Nagy tries for an armbar. Walker moves inevitably to mount, and Nagy rolls as Walker abuses him with punches. Nagy can’t do anything to defend himself, so the ref finally stops it. Herschel Walker is not a joke, people. Walker def. the Nudge via TKO, 2:17 of round 3.
Cris Cyborg vs. Marloes Coenen
Cyborg says that Coenen’s mother will be crying after this fight. Tears of joy, right? In the pre-fight prep area, an official checks Cyborg’s mouth for razor blades.
Round 1: Cyborg fires the overhand right off the bell, and they clinch after a striking exchange. Coenen lands a right when they separate, but Cyborg clinches again and takes Coenen down. Cyborg lands a couple nasty shots from the top when Coenen tries to set up an armbar. More punches from Cyborg. Cyborg gets up briefly, then dives back in with a punch. Coenen tries some upkicks, and Cyborg smiles. Cyborg lets Coenen up. Coenen lands a right, and Cyborg starts teeing off in return. Hard jab from Cyborg. They clinch against the fence. Foot stomp Coenen. They exchange knees. Coenen throws an elbow out of the clinch and Cyborg lands a couple punches. Cyborg with a spinning back kick as the horn sounds. Edge to Cyborg, 10-9.
Round 2: They trade punches, and Coenen hits the deck after taking a solid left hook. Cyborg dives in and winds up in Coenen’s guard. She pushes Coenen into the fence. Cyborg gets back up and they’re on their feet again. Cyborg pops the left hook. Body kick Cyborg. Cyborg with a hard 1-2. Coenen shoots, Cyborg stuffs. Coenen pulls guard. She tries to set up a triangle from the bottom but Cyborg yanks out. Cyborg comes in with more punches. Cyborg ends the round on top of Coenen, dominating.
Round 3: Coenen shoots, and drives Cyborg into the fence, but can’t get her down. Cyborg slugging. Coenen shoots in and Cyborg reverses her and lands on top. Cyborg in half-guard, throwing punches. Coenen establishes full guard. Cyborg postures up and hammers down. Coenen kicks her off. Coenen lands a hard right. Cyborg throws a reverse kick, but misses. Cyborg stuffs another takedown, lands on top and fires down some gnarly GnP. Coenen turtles, and the ref stops the fight. Cyborg retains her belt. Who will stop this woman? Cyborg def. Coenen via TKO, 3:40 of round 3.
Nick Diaz vs. Marius Zaromskis
Jimmy Lennon Jr. actually introduces Zaromskis as the Whitemare. Diaz is introduced as a two-time welterweight champion. (?) They face off forehead to forehead.
Round 1: Zaromskis comes out with a flying kick. But Diaz lands his punches in bunches and has Zaromskis on his heels. Great boxing already from Diaz. They clinch against the fence, and Diaz throws his knees into Zaromskis’s thigh. They separate and it’s more boxing domination from Diaz, but Zaromskis counters and knocks Diaz on his ass! Zaromskis jumps on, starts slugging, and is warned for punches to the back of the head. They get to their feet. Diaz catches a kick and punches Zaromskis in the face. Nice right hook from Diaz, and a 1-2. And another right hook. More punches, including an uppercut that hurts Zaromskis badly. Diaz battering Zaromskis around the cage before knocking him out with a short right. Maybe the best striking performance of Diaz’s entire career. Nate enters the cage and Nick tells the camera “my brother won his last fight, that’s some bullshit.” Anyway, Nick Diaz is the Strikeforce welterweight champion now, slicing through a hyped-up contender like a hot middle-finger through butter. Diaz def. Zaromskis via TKO, 4:38 of round 1. “Captain Cannibis may soon become Captain KO,” Ranallo says. “I’m just ready to go home and eat,” Diaz says, as thrilled as he’s going to get.
The Cesar Gracie crew now owns three of Strikeforce’s title belts. Diaz should get Hieron next, finally. As for the next opponents for the other winners on tonight’s card? Your guesses are as good as mine…