Tonight, we’re gonna have ourselves a real good time, we feel ali-hi-hi-hiiiive. Ronda Rousey — the lightning-rod heel-champion of women’s MMA — will attempt to defend her Strikeforce 135-pound title against former champ Sarah Kaufman, most likely by first-round armbar. (The winner will face Cris Cyborg immediately afterwards in the parking lot.) Before that, we’ve got a bunch of men’s fights that seem way less interesting by comparison. For instance, former Strikeforce middleweight champion Ronaldo “Jacare” Souza is in the co-main event spot against 9-1 middleweight Derek “The Human Blanket (!)” Brunson, while Tarec Saffiedine, Roger Bowling, Lumumba Sayers, and Ovince St. Preux round out the crew of featured fighters who you might have heard of before.
Handling the thankless job of spelling out all these names in tonight’s liveblog is CagePotato weekend warrior Anthony Gannon, who will be providing round-by-round results from the Showtime main card broadcast after the jump, beginning at 10 p.m. ET. Refresh the page every few minutes for all the latest and please make your presence known in the comments section.
Sup, taters. It’s liveblog time again. Break out the wings, the pretzel nubs, and unscrew the cap off that fine Merlot because this could be a big night for women’s MMA.
The evolution of mixed martial arts in North America has been an amazing thing. In just under two decades we’ve seen the sport expand from BJJ to wrestling, to striking, to all-around athletes who can beat your punk ass down while maintaining the sensitivity to cook you a nice tomato and feta omelet, and with the educational background to prepare your taxes.
We witnessed the mastery of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu when Art “One-Glove” Jimmerson entered the Octagon against Royce Gracie and tapped out the second he got mounted. We marveled at the rise of wrestling when Ken Shamrock fought to a draw with the seemingly invincible Gracie by taking him down and lying on top of him for 36 excruciating minutes. And we saw the devastation of elite striking when Anderson Silva came along and blatantly violated every Geneva Convention with what he did to poor Rich Franklin. The ascent of our beloved sport has been truly awe-inspiring.
Evolution is infinite though, so that begs the question: What’s next for MMA? How can it possibly get any better? I thought I had found the answer in slap boxing after witnessing two menacing looking yoots smack the ever-loving shit out of each other for four glorious minutes, but it lacked technique and was more comedy than skill. Now I believe the true answer is in women’s MMA.
Yep, Ronda Rousey has made me see the light. Not only do I have sick fantasies of her loving me long time, which is really just the immature jerk in me, but I have this weird feeling about her, and I’m thinking it may actually be ~gasp~ respect. Ronda can carry women’s MMA into the Octagon. If you saw her brutal YouTube video impersonating a Sarah Kaufman fan you know we no longer have to worry about some Hollywood asshole stealing her away. The sad state of cinema today doesn’t exactly demand solid acting skills, but that video closes the door on even the “C” level Indy flicks, which are only a slight step above snuff porn. Nope, Ronda is here to stay, and I will proudly swing from her floral-scented taint for the entire journey.
Gotta hand it to Strikeforce. They opted to put Meisha Tate and Julie Kedzie on the undercard and it turned out to be a great fight, which ironically Meisha won by armbar. Could have been a nice appetizer for the main course.
Here’s the rest of the undercard results, if you even care.
Bobby Green beat Matt Rice by unanimous decision.
Germaine de Randamie beat Hiroko Yamanaka by unanimous decision.
And Adlan Amagov beat Keith by TKO at 0:48 of round one, weird scene though, Herb Dean stopped the fight for no apparent reason.
For some strange reason the main card doesn’t start until 10:07 so I’d like to take advantage of this break to pour out a slug of my ole E to my boy Mayhem for losing his shit and getting arrested nude. In a church. Nothing good ever came from someone getting arrested nude. Could have been worse, I suppose. He could have been arrested in a sundress. When I was in the Marines, one day I was on duty and I got a call from some Podunk police department in some Podunk North Carolina town. Turns out my buddy, for the sake of anonymity we’ll just call him “Dry Tongue,” well he went and got himself arrested for waking up in a woman’s closet wearing a sundress. Turns out Dry Tongue got a little liquored up, broke into a woman’s home, disrobed, then decided to try on one of her sundresses, and concluded his lurid evening by passing out in her closet. A series of unfortunate events followed: gender identification mockery, mandatory rehab, etc, but let’s just say Dry Tongue’s place in the annals of Marine Corps lore is firmly ensconced. If he’s reading right now, hey man I did not use your name, so keep the fuck away from my daughter. Anyway, Mayhem, keep your head up brother. Could happen to anybody.
God, Mauro looks creepy with his buzz cut. Shamrock is looking dapper since losing the braces, now he just has to do something about that fucked up nose.
First up is Ovince St. Preux vs T.J. Cook
TJ rolls up old school with a hoody. OSP comes out looking about as relaxed as a man can be when he’s about to get into a cage and fight another man.
RD 1: The ref has the coolest beard ever. It looks like drapes. He must pull some serious trim at Sturgis with that. OSP with a high kick. TJ whiffs a huge right. OSP looks like he’s four weight divisions bigger than TJ. Huge left kick by OSP, countered by TJ. They clinch and they’re free. OSP misses another kick. Nice body hook by TJ. OSP lands big, and is swarming him. He’s rocked! And TJ comes back, slugging the shit out of OSP. Damn no one got knocked out there. Nice exchange though. Overhand right misses by TJ. Big kick from OSP, then rocks TJ. They clinch up again, OSP going for a takedown. He lands it, and is in half guard. He’s going for a Kimura, let it go. OSP finally throws a strike down there, misses. Cook escapes, and he’s up. Close round, probbaly goes to OSP.
Rd 2: OSP misses a left. Lands a body kick. The pace has slowed considerably. OSP misses another head kick, TJ lands a right. Jab by OSP misses. TJ lands a couple nice shots, stuns OSP momentarily. OSP answers back with a straight left, then a kick to the nads. Oh damn, replay shows a nasty kick to the nads. He’s ok, and they’re set to go again. OSP misses a HUGE head kick, TJ counters with a left. OSP shoots and gets TJ down. He’s in guard dropping some lefts. OSP passes to side control. Lands an elbow. Going for a north/south choke, lets it go. Back in side control. OSP mounts, way too easily too. He’s got his right hand on TJ’s throat and is slamming him with lefts. TJ survives, but loses that round.
Rd 3:OSP opens with a straight left, then a huge overhand left that drops TJ and KNOCKS HIM THE FUCK OUT! Damn!
That was like a movie punch, it was perfect. OSP scores the third round KO.
Heidi interviews Sarah Kaufman, and it’s actually a little less brutal than her interviews usually are. She’s getting better. Now it’s Ronda’s turn, and damn she’s looking fine. The champion is in no mood for talk, she looks perturbed at the questions.
Lumumba Sayers and Anthony Smith are next.
Lumumba has that lunatic look. Sometimes you can just tell when someone is not to be trifled with, like not even in a bustin’ nuts kinda way. They just look, or act like they will misread playful kidding as an act of war and cut your fucking tongue out, put it on a roll and consume it with a creepy smile on their face. I used to work directly next to a fellow who would sing Christmas songs in the summer. And not even the classics, but like the Mariah Carey type shit. Had it been Rudolph or Frosty, I could have convinced myself this was just some weird guy who loved Christmas, but that pop Christmas shit? Oh no, this was clearly a man unhinged. And the one time a co-worker tried to joke with him his response was,” Oh yeah, buddy.” That’s when I knew for sure this guy probably had some sort of secluded hideaway where no one could hear the screams and was not to be fucked with in any way, shape, or form.
Rd 1: Herb Dean gets booed for a bad stoppage earlier. Sayers charges forward, takes Smith down, but Smith ends up in full mount! Sayers trying to control the posture, but this is early on to be in such a shitty position. Smith with an elbow. And a punch. He needs to start dropping down some hell here, take advantage of this position. Sayers lands a decent shot from the bottom. Sayers escapes, but Smith goes for a choke, now Sayers has Smith’s back. Smith gets out, now Sayers has a choke, Smith gets out and lands a big shot on the exit. This is nuts. Smith misses a left, Sayers misses an uppercut. Sayers lands to the body, Smith falls down, but locks on a triangle. He gets the tap!
Anthony Smith wins via triangle.
Lumumba declares Jesus his personal savior, doesn’t seem fazed by the loss whatsoever.
Smith talks about being older and more mature as he wears his hat sideways like a teenager.
Roger Bowling and Tarec Saffiedine are on deck.This should be a good scrap.
Bowling looks like the popular guy in a cheesy teen movie. Tarec looks like a Russian gangster.
Rd 1: Bowling opens with a hook to the body, then a leg kick. Charges forward again, connects to the body. Tarec with a hard leg kick. Damn, hard to the body again by Bowling. And again. Tarec with another leg kickm misses a right. Clinches Bowling, lands a knee. Bowling with another nice hook to the body. Tarec has Bowling against the cage, Bowling looks for a takedown. They separate. Tarec goes for another clinch, settles for a leg kick. High kick by Bowling, blocked. Bowling going for a takedown, Tarec defending well. And they’re against the cage battling for position. They separate. Bowling with a nice left hook to the head. Bowling ties up again looking for a takedown, not happening. They’re trading knees in the clinch. Tarec lands an elbow on the exit, Bowling responds with a punch to the dome. Close round, I’d give it to Bowling.
The camera catches Meisha Tate eating a cupcake, and there’s some icing in her hair.
Rd 2: Tarec with a leg kick, Bowling with another body shot. Eye poke by Tarec halts the action. Ready to roll. They trade shots cenetr cage to start up again. Then they trade kicks. Nice exchange, both guys get cracked. Tarec with a front kick, and a leg kick, answered by Bowling. Tarec with a nice combination. He’s taking control of the stand up. Clinch, Tarec looking for a knee, pushes Bowling against the cage, delivering some knees to the thigh, which don;t get the credit they deserve. Those suck. Bowling going for another takedown, Tarec has excellent takedown defense. Fails again on an attempt. Tarec with a body kick, Bowling lands a counter right. Leg kick by Tarec. They both miss with hooks, then Tarec lands a right. Leg kick by Bowling checked. Tarec took that round.
Rd 3: They trade body kicks. Bowling throws hard overhand, partially lands. Tarec with another clinch, knee just misses. Big body shot by Bowling, eats a knee. Huge leg kicks by Tarec. And another. Bowling leans in, eats another knee. Body kick by Bowling, not much on it. Tarec goes for a spinning kick, Bowling catches it and goes for the takedown, still can’t get it. They’re against the cage trading knees again. Tarec goes upstairs and lands one to the forehead. Tarec unloads in the clinch with body shots. Nice jab by Tarec, Bowling keeps hooking to the body. They hit the mat, Tarec takes his back, pounding the side of Bowling’s head, now going for a rear naked choke, won’t get it but finishes in great form. Tarec should take this one.
The decision is in and it’s unanimous, 30-27 across the board for Tarec Saffiedine.
Mauro interviews Gil Melendez, and Gil is pretty busted up in the face. Musta been sparring with Nick Diaz. Gil tries to convince us, and himself, that’s he’s actually excited to defend his title against Pat Healy.
Up next is Jacare Souza vs Derek Brunson
Jacare rolls up in a gi and flip flops, and he’s getting his swerve on.
Rd 1: The ref with the awesome beard is back. Brunson goes high, misses by a mile. Throws another kick, blocked by Jacare. Jacare drops Brunson, lets him up, then busts him up again to score the finish. Nice.
That didn’t take long. It was a counter right hook that dropped Brunson. Always the gentleman, Jacare thought the fight was over and stopped, but Brunson got back up, so Jacare tagged him again and finished him off.
The main event is next, Ronda Rousey vs Sarah Kaufman.
Ok, so let’s go through this by the numbers. Five professional fights, five first round armbars. Three amateur fights, three first round armbars. Ronda is good at armbars. It just doesn’t get any simpler than that. Kaufman needs to avoid the ground like that fresh fish on the yard needs to avoid the Tossed Salad Guy.
Ronda has been training with the 209. Don’t knock that shit, bitch. The 209 is no joke, and Ronda has taken a liking to that crew. When the Diaz Brothers come on our front porch mama just chase em off with a broom, but some people don’t. Some people invite them in and offer them a cold drink. Ronda is one of them.
Rd 1: Rousey charges forward, ties her up, gets the takedown. uh-oh! Rousey mounts, going for an armbar already. Oh Jesus! Kaufman is putting up a good fight, but she’s in a real shitty position. That’s it, she gets the tap by armbar. AMAZING!
This chick is for real man. They need to make that Cyborg fight happen.
Sweet, Ronda calls out Cyborg.
Well that’s that, folks. We’ll analyze this shit tomorrow.