By CagePotato contributor Jason Moles
This week, our nation’s attention has been captured by redneck birds and the Golden Voice Hobo, only one of which has a happy ending. (No, not that kind…the other kind. Yes, there is another kind.) The rags-to-riches-to-rags-and-back-to-riches tale of fortune for Ted Williams is the polar opposite of that of many fighters lately. In the last two weeks, Zuffa has cut six fighters and suspended one more. The economy is still in the can and homeboys gotta eat, so if Strikeforce or Bellator don’t come calling soon, this is where you’re going to see ‘The Expendables’ next:
Brandon "The Truth" Vera: Some believe the number 13 to be unlucky, and for Vera it was. After exactly that many fights in the Octagon, his days in the spotlight are over. From now on he’ll be slinging dinuguan [Ed. note: Eww.] with a side of balut [Ed. note: *barfs*] at his aunt and uncle’s restaurant, Manila Good-Ha, in L.A.’s Koreatown. It’s a match made in heaven for Vera because he’ll never have to worry about getting punched in the nose again — that is, unless he back-talks his wife Kerry. He’s just gotta make sure Jon Jones‘s order is just how he likes it.
Marcus "The Irish Hand Grenade" Davis: The former TUF 2 contestant will grow out his hair and learn how to drop flying-elbows off the top turnbuckle. Davis will join forces with Samoa Joe, the man he trained back in 2008, to form the world’s most obscure tag-team since The Oddities. At some point Marc Mero, also a former boxer, will come out of retirement to challenge The Irish Hand Grenade to a Caribbean Strap Match for bragging rights as the best ‘real’ fighter in TNA. Dan Hardy will interfere and cost him the match leaving him to reconsider life in some barn with his ex-Army sniper friend.
Jaime Varner: After not having "really" won a fight since 2008, we all saw this coming from a mile away. Don’t you worry about ‘C-4′ though, he’ll open up a dance studio in sunny Arizona. The world was first introduced to Varner’s freakishly awesome dance moves after a win over Jason Gilliam at UFC 68. It was only a matter of time before he chased his boyhood dream. This to revolutionize how fighters cross train; with the help of Anderson Silva, Varner’s studio will be packed with up-and-coming fighters looking for a competitive edge. Just imagine Rogan and Goldie trying to commentate on a fighter’s Bongo Thunder followed up by a Suicide Corkscrew.
Phil "The New York Badass" Baroni: The always interesting and over-emotional fighter will pack up his jock strap and undies and trade them in for a cheap suit and a cowboy hat to sell used cars — for real this time. The number 13 plagued this fighter as well with a pro record of 13-13. (You seriously didn’t think I was going to pass on this one did you? The truth is out there.) Sure, MMA may be illegal in the Big Apple but that won’t stop "The Man" from cracking a few skulls to get the sale. The only thing that could foreseeably hinder this career change are all the dead hookers in the trunks of his beaters.
Chris Horodecki: Horodecki may be nearing his mid-20′s, but he’s still got the face of a pre-pubescent boy — which makes him supremely qualified to take a job as a chat-room bait-boy on a future To Catch a Predator special. After luring local pedophiles with promises of "hardcore Canadian-style grappling sessions," his buddy Chris Hanson will pop out like he has so many times before and grill these creeps for our own twisted amusement. Then, Horodecki will reveal himself to be an actual adult and head-kick them into a coma. The Polish Hammer will live to better the world.
Antonio "Mandingo" McKee: As the only man to make more outrageous claims than Chael Sonnen, McKee will go on to host roasts on Comedy Central. With his star rising after the successful launch of his reality TV show, ‘Mandingo’ will be cracking jokes about has been comedians, washed up fighters and aging porn stars. When that’s finished he’ll pull an Andy Kaufman while interviewing Gina Carano to secure his place in the MMA history books.