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Sylvia Doesn’t F*ck It Up, Stops Pudzianowski at Moosin

("I got your Atlas Stones right here, bitch." Props: YouTube)

For Tim Sylvia the best case scenario at “Moosin: God of Martial Arts” was simply, don’t screw this up. The worst case scenario? You lose to shit-talking sideshow Mariusz Pudzianowski and your career is over. Basically, it was a no-win situation for the former UFC heavyweight champion in Massachusetts on Friday night, but that’s the harsh reality when you fuck around and get knocked out by Ray Mercer. Fortunately for Sylvia, he managed to stave off the angels of (professional) death for at least another day, dropping the professional strong man with an uppercut and finishing him with strikes on the ground one minute, 40 seconds into the second round.  

Though it seemed academic once they got in the cage, victory wasn’t a foregone conclusion after Sylvia weighed- in at 305-pounds earlier this week. The Maineiac’s cardio was understandably in question, but it quickly proved to be much higher than that of Pudzianowski.  It took only a few minutes for the Polish carnival barker to turn the shade of deep purple usually reserved for a Hulk Hogan tan job or the latter stages of a Mark Coleman fight.  Maybe that tune-up bout in Poland just two weeks ago wasn’t such a great idea after all, eh Pudzi? After the jump, all the gory details …

Pudzianowski looked game early, landing a couple of his trademark heavy leg kicks and even dumping Sylvia to the canvas inside the first minute. He couldn’t keep him down, however, and as soon as Sylvia lumbered back to his feet, the multi-time World’s Strongest Man winner began to wane. Sylvia controlled the rest of the first, landing a few knees and some of his trademark step-step-jab punches. When the fight went back to the mat in the late stages of the round, Pudzianowski actually threw up his legs for an apparent arm bar attempt, but that just allowed Sylvia to whip through his guard and almost stop him with punches.  Already clearly exhausted, Pudzianowski was saved by the bell. 

“I thought, ‘That’s cool, he’s trying,’ ” exclaimed color commentator Bas Rutten when the PPV broadcast showed a replay of Pudzianowski’s submission try.

The biggest surprise of the night was that the Bay State crowd appeared solidly behind Pudzianowski, at least until it became clear he had no business being in the ring with Sylvia. Maybe the strong man circuit is big in that part of the country, I wouldn’t know.

For those of you curious what happened to the actual fighters on the card, the complete results are as follows:

Televised card:
Tim Sylvia def. Mariusz Pudzianowski via submission (strikes)
Travis Wiuff def. Josh Barnes via TKO, Rd. 1
Rafael Natal def. Travis Lutter via TKO, Rd. 1
Mike Campbell def. Yves Edwards via unanimous decision
Roxanne Modafferi def. Tara LaRosa via split decision
Lukasz Jurkowski def. Ho Jin Kim via TKO, Rd. 1
Forrest Petz def. Ralph Johnson via unanimous decision

Preliminary card:
Matt Lee def. Brett Oteri via TKO, Rd. 2
Stipe Miocic def. Paul Barry via TKO, Rd. 2

Cagepotato Comments

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Clinch-Smash- May 23, 2010 at 11:43 am
Did anyone really thing the Super Mario could beat King Koopa only the 3rd time playin the game.

As for the gay thing, my brother in law is and his boyfreind told me that they are really all bi and all they have to do to get laid is tell who ever guy or chick that they are bi and they will try to convert them, so they can pretty much get laid all the time. Not so much aggresive but tricky.

I used to go to a wafflehouse in FL that had a gay waiter(Tiger) that would always hit on me really aggresively, i didn't really care cause i got free food everytime.

Church is good, if its for you if not so be it, i will only talk to you about it if you show interest.
Almost North- May 23, 2010 at 9:13 am
I thought everyone was aware Jens and Tim where the George and Lennie of the MMA world.

Oh and nice hijack guys.
ghostboner- May 23, 2010 at 2:45 am
Well see the way it works is.... aw eff it I'll just amend his gname to include Lennie. Tim "The Mildly Retarded "Pink Dough Whale "Lennie "Pants Pooping "How's Taste My Big Pee Pee""""" MegaVarner. That seems pretty straight forward.
fatbellyfrank- May 23, 2010 at 2:36 am
OK Miss Andthrowpee 2 men 2 goals, one is to be an MMA legend, the other is to breed rabbits and have a small alfalfa farm.
My money is firmly on lennie acheiving his goals way before Sylvia comes close
Mr_Misanthropy- May 23, 2010 at 1:43 am
Hold on, I'm confused at your confusion. If one was large and mildly stupid and the other was not Tim Sylvia... and one was large and fleshy... and one was pink and doughy... and one was mildly retarded...and the other was slightly stupid... and there was one lumbering about... how many people were we talking about in this cage?

*(Tell me about the rabbits, George.)
ghostboner- May 23, 2010 at 1:26 am
@Meester miss, and throw pee - You comparing Mega Varner to Lennie Smalls? I certainly hope not, because one of those men was mildly stupid but rather large, and the other was not Tim Sylvia.
HokeyPokeyLikeAoki- May 23, 2010 at 12:53 am
^ Uh, are you suggesting that Timmy's too fat and ugly to get laid? (probably smells bad too)

Well i'll have you know that Timmy is famous for tasting Arlovski's "pee pee pee" by dating Arlovski's sloppy seconds.

How many people do you know can bang a chick that hot?
Mr_Misanthropy- May 23, 2010 at 12:13 am
I'm going to be Tim Sylvia's fan because I can tell he needs one right now. You assholes should be ashamed of yourselves, you made the big fella cry. We need some sensitivity training around here. It's OK big guy, you were a great former champion. That's right, you can tell your grand kids about that shit, if you ever manage to find another one of your species to breed with.

(He just hasn't been quite the same since Fedor hit him in the head... cut him a little slack.)

Yeah, yeah, I'll tell you the story about the rabbits and the turkeys. Shh, Shh, you'll be OK, big feller.

(Don't laugh, it's the only thing that calms him down anymore.)
HokeyPokeyLikeAoki- May 23, 2010 at 12:05 am
Since im completely ignoring this article...

When a gay guy tells u he loves to drink white russians because there's something about the cream - and you happen to be a russian - then u've met an aggressive gay, alright my good pals!

I prefer redheaded sluts, btw ;)
fatbellyfrank- May 22, 2010 at 10:00 pm
@ pogodog7, you sayin you know for a fact he trained? I mean you've pretty much summed him up in your post , but, he trained? any idea what his training consisted of? He makes Big Country look like a body builder.
ghostboner- May 22, 2010 at 9:55 pm
@Macscoobysnack - I've seen some aggressive dudes too, I'm just not bothered because they leave me alone. I'm a rather hideous specimen. The chicks just seem to do it more. I'm guessing because they know they can get away with more shit than dudes can.
pogodog7- May 22, 2010 at 9:48 pm
Sylvia should be his first name now that he has well developed man breasts. He never had what you would call an athletic body but now he is positively repulsive. When I see him and know he trained at the same place that Matt Hughes did, I am astonished. He is nothing more than a big, fat, tattooed loser. I wish Brock Lesnar would get a hold of him and make him cry like a baby just the way he used to do when Jens Pulver used to make fun of him. The only way he becomes a legend is if he becomes a professional eater or the world's largest homo, or both.
fatbellyfrank- May 22, 2010 at 9:39 pm
@macready, plenty of brews, plenty of buds and a steady diet of Cage potato pretty much keeps everything on the up
macreadysshack- May 22, 2010 at 9:08 pm
@joedirt Hey, man, I can see how this shit could be irritating. I know I totally broke the relevancy unspoken rule. I'm loving the feedback and other people's experiences here, so it's been worth it to me. Don't worry, I won't make total non-sequiturs a habit!

@Wifey Nice attitude!!!!

@Mr_misamputee You're selling yourself short.

@gohstboner & Wifey . . . I didn't know the lesbos could be so aggro . . . gayggro?

macreadysshack- May 22, 2010 at 9:05 pm
@fatbellyfrank Sounds like you got the inside scoop. Hope you're getting the mental health care that you need to get past it ;)

You know, when it comes down to it, I'd wanna gouge my eyes out if I was forced to watch most average Americans getting it on, regardless of fruit basket.
Lysol- May 22, 2010 at 7:10 pm
Hello, it is every year since 2007. The antics of one fighter have screwed an entire promotion. Tim Sylvia has been involved in an epic mismatch. And unfortunately we all know who War Machine is. 2010 is unique because this time, Tim Sylvia actually won.
fatbellyfrank- May 22, 2010 at 5:38 pm
Roxy rocks, and she's got that whole nerdy, accidentally sexy thing going Go Girl. And yeah, I was bought up as a Catholic so i know all about religous dudes wanting to peel your banana, bottom line, I'm with you Mcready, Idestroy, don't push your agenda's on me, or judge me by your standards and we'll all get along just fine, live and let live.
Oh and BTW , my sister in law is a fairly butch dyke, and I got to tell you all, reality is nothing like porn, If I ever saw her and her buddies going at it I'd gouge my own eyes out with a teaspoon
HokeyPokeyLikeAoki- May 22, 2010 at 3:06 pm
Roller Derby sounds like fun. But not as bad ass as shopping at ikea for bedroom furniture! And who knows. Maybe we'll have enough time for bed, bath & beyond, woo hoo!
ghostboner- May 22, 2010 at 3:03 pm
I'm a buddhist mormon who is half gay, from my uncle's side. Gay dudes don't creep me out, but lesbos do. Wifey is right. I have seen some broads getting molested by ultra aggressive lesbos. That said, go Roxy!!!
Mr_Misanthropy- May 22, 2010 at 2:59 pm
Shaka Boom!
wifey- May 22, 2010 at 2:57 pm
and WAR Roxy!
wifey- May 22, 2010 at 2:52 pm
@misanthropy... the correct term would be "guidette," thankyouverymuch. Except I fail on the tan factor - damn northern italians.

Now, it's off to shave my 'stache, get dressed up, and watch an evening of ROLLER DERBY!
Mr_Misanthropy- May 22, 2010 at 2:51 pm
@Nikolai Diazinski

I haven't contributed one iota of meaningful discussion to this thread.
But that's OK, I usually don't anyways.
nick diaz and the dub sack- May 22, 2010 at 2:46 pm
No love for Roxy? Where's your head at, Potato? Roxy just beat the best fighter in her weight and maybe even the best woman at any weight and yet we're talking about Tim beating a guy who may as well be an amateur. For shame.
Mr_Misanthropy- May 22, 2010 at 2:38 pm
Here's one for the guida (female guido?) amongst us:

Why do Italian men like women with mustaches?

-Because they remind them of their mothers.