(We don’t care what any of you say, post-all out war Wandy is the happiest Wandy. Photo courtesy of Getty Images.) 

Heading into last night’s co-main event, it seemed as if everyone involved in the production of UFC on FUEL 8 was actively trying to underperform. Chalk it up to jet lag perhaps, but in a decision-filled card that saw the hype trains of Siyar Bahadurzada and Hector Lombard come to a screeching halt (or in the latter’s case, go completely off the rails and crash into an orphanage), referee and judging incompetence was once again forced down our throats like fat jokes in a Kevin James movie.

Split decisions were seemingly handed out at random, costing Takanori Gomi a much deserved victory over Diego Sanchez and astonishingly nearly granting Lombard one in his lopsided loss to Yushin Okami. Even Herb Dean seemed out of it, at one point threatening a standup in the Kim/Bahadurzada fight while Kim had mount. It was an event that basically highlighted all the negative things Big John McCarthy had to say about the current state of MMA, and one so tedious at times that it managed to draw boos from the Japanese. The Japanese, you guys.

But then, that freakin’ co-main event happened. Was Mark Hunt‘s back and forth brawl with Stefan Struve the most technically advanced thing you’ve ever seen? No, but has any Stefan Struve or Mark Hunt fight ever gone down in that fashion? As with the main event that would come after it, Hunt vs. Struve was a good old fashioned slobberknocker that showcased the heart of its participants more than anything else. And if you can’t appreciate that, well, you probably can’t appreciate the finer points of a crippling meth/child porn addiction either.

(Stay away from the light, Dustin! Stay away from the light!) 

Ladies and gentlemen of the Potato Nation, the end times are upon us. Last night, a quiet, unassuming man named Chan Sung Jung escaped from a remote Korean testing facility and wound up in Fairfax, Virginia. Needing to fulfill certain diversity requirements that had long eluded them, the people of Fairfax embraced and accepted him with open arms, completely unaware that he was in fact patient zero of a zombie-like virus that would spell the untimely demise of the human race. Those ignoramuses.

Before they even knew what had hit them, reports of strange occurrences were popping up from county to county, then state to state. Having caught the latter half of the movie Outbreak on TBS just a few weeks prior, the people of Fairfax knew that they had to capture the source of the disease if they were ever to restore order to the chaos they had created. So they sent forth their bravest virologist, a man by the name of Dustin Poirier, to subdue the host and bring him back for testing. Early reports claimed that “The Diamond” would have little to no trouble accomplishing this feat, as he had successfully extinguished every threat placed before him since joining the Zuffa corporation.

How wrong they were.

For nearly twenty minutes, the two engaged in an all out war of attrition, one that would determine the very fate of mankind. He put up a hell of a fight, but as much as it saddens us to say this, we are officially doomed. Poirier was infected by “The Korean Zombie (virus),” and chances are that you will be soon as well. Early symptoms include raucous use of the phrase, “HOLY SHIT BRO”, an ability to absorb a tremendous amount of punishment, $80,000 cash, drowsiness, and cramps.

And it was here, in this blighted place, that Strikeforce learned to live again… (Props: FoxSports.com)

The fact that a Strikeforce aftermath is being broken down into two separate posts is probably confusing most of our longtime readers, considering we’ve had so little to say about the organization leading up to last night’s Strikeforce card. Ever since Zuffa’s acquisition of the organization, our post-event recaps have focused on Strikeforce’s lack of a direction, now-meaningless titles and ever-diminishing roster. The organization clearly wasn’t going anywhere (i.e. going under), yet it also, well, wasn’t going anywhere (i.e. it wasn’t planning future growth). Yet last night, for the first time in a while, Strikeforce looked like an organization that could consistently provide MMA fans with intriguing, relevant matchups.

After all of the hype that Ronda Rousey and Miesha Tate managed to create for last night’s bout, the ending could not have possibly gone better for Strikeforce. Exciting fight? Check. Dramatic finish? Check. And most importantly, Sarah Kaufman’s victory over Alexis Davis on the undercard established a clear challenger for the new champion who actually stands a chance at beating the champion. The biggest problem with Strikeforce’s title fights as of late has been the fact that the champions are simply too much better than anyone that Strikeforce can match them up with (Rockhold vs. Jardine, anyone?). While Rousey continued to look phenomenal in her short MMA career last night, former champion Sarah Kaufman provides another intriguing matchup for her. Back to back championship fights in a Strikeforce weight class that will pit the champion against a formidable opponent who is coming off of a victory: Now that’s encouraging.

(Get it?) 

Heading into arguably the most anticipated women’s MMA match of all time (that’s right, I said women’s), former Olympic bronze medalist Ronda Rousey had a mountain of claims to back up, a mountain only made higher by the fact that her meteoric run to a bantamweight title shot had left the general public with more questions than answers in regards to her skill set. In her four fight career, the woman had never seen what the second round, let alone the second minute, of a MMA contest looked like. So we were left to ponder: how would her striking, stamina, and suffocating Jiu-Jitsu attack hold up against the more experienced champ in Meisha Tate?

Well, as it turns out, we still don’t know much about the newly crowned women’s 135 lb. champion, and that may just be the scariest thing about her. Tate tried to answer a couple of these questions early, coming out throwing wild haymakers with ill intentions. Rousey was able to ride out the storm and secure a takedown, drawing an ominous “Oh shit!” reaction from the viewing audience, at least where I was. That statement was echoed tenfold when Rousey managed to secure her first armbar, which I’m still pretty positive did most of the damage to Tate’s arm. However, where referee Herb Dean would have let out his own, “Oh shit!” before stopping the fight right there, referee Mark Matheny was determined not to find himself in the middle of a Steve Mazagatti/Sarah D’Alelio controversy, adhering to a strict “snap then tap” policy for Ms. Tate. That policy would come into effect just a couple minutes later, when Rousey managed to secure the fight ending armbar that can only be described as “Palharesian.”

(You DID NOT just call me Chris from ‘N Sync!) 

Although Stipe Miocic‘s quick knockout of previously undefeated heavyweight Philip De Fries may have netted him the $50,000 Knockout of the Night bonus, our pick for sweetest KO went to Jonathan Brookins, who proved that not every Brazilian has the femur mangling leglock ability of Rousimar Palhares when he ground-and-pounded Vagner Rocha into oblivion inside the first two minutes of their preliminary card match-up. Not many of us knew what to make of Brookins after he dropped a UD to Eric Koch back in September of 2011. The fight proved that Brookins’ wrestling could in fact be thwarted, and that his striking had not made the leaps and bounds it needed to in order to balance things out. Last night’s fight was made to be a test of both.

Well, if anyone is still doubting the power in Brookins’ hands, they should probably shut right the hell up. Brookins did what Donald Cerrone, or any of Rocha’s previous opponents for that matter, couldn’t, and shut off his light switch with a series of increasingly punishing strikes before the ref managed to step in. To be honest, it was kind of scary to see that someone as docile and plain daffy as Brookins had the capacity for such brutality. And just as Brookins resembles the missing evolutionary link between man and ape, he was able to evolve in his own right, to connect one of the missing links in his game, and should be applauded for it. Not only did his knockout save a Facebook card that was luke warm at best to begin with, it made up for the fact that the Loeffler/Roberts match was cancelled after Loeffler rolled his ankle in the pre-fight warm up. Talk about shit luck.

(The power of YES!! compels you! Check out some of the meme-worthy photoshops over at The UG.) 

Over the past week or so, the sports world has come down with a serious case of LINsanity, a disease that mimics the effects of Yellow Fever and is brought about by way of bereavement. Though it was the general consensus that this mind altering sickness originated with the uncanny rise of New York Knicks guard Jeremy Lin, last night’s inaugural UFC on FUEL event opened our collective eyes to the virus’ true host: Diego fucking Sanchez.

Yes, it seems that ever since Diego suffered his first professional losses, which came in back-to-back fashion at the hands of Josh Koscheck and Jon Fitch at UFC 69 and 76, the man has become consumed by a mixture of evangelical optimism and bipolar rage to the point of parody. As he made his way to the octagon for his main event clash with top contender Jake Ellenberger last night, it quickly became apparent that it was Sanchez who was in need of an exorcism, which made the Gregorian monk feel of his entrance appear all the more ironic.

(2 rounds…10 minutes…600 seconds…that is when this fight will end.)

The UFC’s first ever 5 round non-title affair started off on a rather eerie note last night, as Chris Leben crept toward the octagon accompanied by the song that did for Donnie Darko what “Lux Aeterna” did for Requiem for a Dream. And perhaps the haunting ballad was a sign of things to come, as it took just 2 rounds for Mark Munoz to make Leben hide his head and drown his sorrow like there was no tomorrow, no tomorrow. We can only hope now that Leben doesn’t decide to go joyriding after drowning said sorrows.

Leading up to the fight, many pundits out there believed that Munoz’s wrestling and clinch game would be a deciding factor, but for most of the first round, Early 90′s Scott Weiland was able to keep Munoz at bay, even managing to secure a couple takedowns of his own. But as the second round got under way, it was clear that Leben was much worse for the wear, throwing increasingly slower and sloppier combinations and allowing “The Filipino Wrecking” Machine to unleash some of the vicious ground-and-pound that has become his M.O. And then, in perhaps the most shocking turn of events in Leben’s career, he quit. Think about that for a second. A man who has earned his reputation from absorbing near Noguerian levels of punishment (I said near) decided that he had had enough. A mad world indeed.

(Propers: YouTube/ShoSports)

If you insist on framing Saturday night’s dueling MMA action as a head-to-head matchup between Strikeforce and the UFC – and we do, since we’re media types, meaning we can always be counted on to find the easiest storyline and absolutely beat it to death – then you have to consider it a victory for Scott Coker and Co. Strikeforce came into the evening with the better card on paper and on this night the chalk held up. By virtue of back-to-back-to-back-to-back knockouts (if you count Antonio Silva’s TKO over Mike Kyle, which we do), last night Strikeforce was the metaphorical broken clock that turns up right twice a day, the dog’s ass that finally catches some sun. Meanwhile, every live fight on the UFC’s broadcast of the “Ultimate Fighter” season 12 finale went the distance. Both shows were decent, but after months of incessant bitching we should know by now that MMA fans will take a night full of stoppages over a night of scorecard verdicts every time.

During any given week on this website we give Strikeforce an unending raft of shit on the basis of its general incompetence, so it only seems fair to hand out some props on the rare occasion when the company doesn’t screw up in any obvious way. Good job, Strikeforce. We’d love to sit here and tell you last night’s show was indicative of the promotion “figuring it out” somehow, but frankly it seems like it just got lucky with a bunch of dynamic knockouts. Still, the fact this show went off as well as it did after the original fight card got scrambled by late injuries is sort of remarkable. Now it just remains to be seen how many people actually watched it.

(You look sleepy, Gabe.  Maybe time to grab a quick nap?  Photo courtesy of UFC.com)

Who’s up and who’s down?  The Potato Index is here to tell you with our post-event wrap-up of arbitrary numerical rankings. 

“Rampage” Jackson +121

He won a fight he was supposed to win, even if it took him 2 2/3 rounds longer than many thought it would.  Jackson said he needed the work, and he looked good from start to finish.  But will he still be glad he went through rounds when he has to get back in the gym and prepare for Rashad Evans in two weeks?

Keith Jardine -15

“The Dean of Mean” fought hard and, if nothing else, proved his chin isn’t so suspect after all.  The guy has a lot of heart and he’ll fight anyone (except his Jackson camp buddies).  There’s always a place in the UFC for someone like that.

Shane Carwin +154

Didn’t we tell you this guy was a beast?  Gonzaga broke his nose in the opening seconds and it barely slowed Carwin down.  The knockout blow didn’t even seem like it had all his power behind it, but it didn’t matter.  Another first-round KO, and this time against a notable opponent.  This guy is headed for big things.

(Photo courtesy of SI.com)

Another UFC event is in the books, which means it’s time again to see who’s up and who’s down according to the Potato Index’s arbitrary numerical rankings system.  It’s kind of like Bob Reilly’s poll, only we admit it’s total bullshit.  And at least this particular brand of bullshit is more fun.

Diego Sanchez +123

“The Nightmare” proved he can cut almost forty pounds and still go three rounds at a steady pace.  That could be bad news for some other lightweight contenders, though it would still be interesting to see how he stacks up against one of the better wrestlers in the division.  Sean Sherk’s not too busy, is he?

Joe Stevenson -88

Another disappointing performance for Stevenson leaves us wondering where he can possibly go from here.  He just doesn’t seem to have enough in his toolbox to hang with the top fighters, and secluding himself in Victorville, which is not known for its elite training facilities, certainly isn’t helping.

Demian Maia +204

If you’re going to do only one thing, you’d better do it extremely well, and Maia does.  He forces another quality opponent to fight on his terms and puts him away with impressive ease.  Is there any middleweight not named Anderson Silva who can pose a significant threat to him at this point?

(Sonic Boooom!  Photo courtesy of NBC Sports.)

On my way through the MGM Grand to the arena on Saturday night I stopped near the food court to drink my coffee and affix my press credential.  A twenty-something guy saw the UFC logo around my neck and started talking to me about the fights, telling me what a huge Frank Mir fan he was and how he thought Mir was going to kill Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira.

“I don’t think so,” I said.  “I think Mir’s got the least chance to win of all the guys on the main card.”

“Really?” he said.

“Really,” I told him.  “But hey, if you think he’s going to win, put a bet down.  He’s going off at 3-1.  Although there’s a reason the odds are so high.”

“Yeah, no,” he said, making a face like I’d just told him Santa Claus wasn’t real.  “That’s okay.  Thanks.”

I don’t know who that guy was, or whether he reads Cage Potato (I assume he does, being both an English-speaker and an MMA fan), but I want to apologize to him.  My friend, I’m sorry.  Really, really, sorry.  I hope you, and to a lesser extent, Frank Mir, will forgive me.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s see who’s up and who’s down after UFC 92 via the enjoyably arbitrary numerical ratings of the Potato Index.