In its own beautiful, twisted way, Aleksander Emelianenko vs. Bob Sapp represents a meeting of two MMA titans years in the making. In one corner, you have one of the most notorious (yet somehow, hilariously cursed) can crushers in MMA history. In the other, you have perhaps the most notorious can of all time, a man so pathetic, so feeble, so shameless, that he has openly admitted to folding at the first sign of trouble in most of the fights that comprise his current ten-fight losing streak. It’s a match made in freak show heaven, right up there with Shaq vs. Canseco and Martinez vs. Zimmer II.

So with all that in mind, it’s rather appropriate that the first promo for Emelianenko’s…we wouldn’t call it anticipated return features a bearish looking Aleksander knocking over children’s sand sculptures and doing his best to look as bored as he was with James Thompson. At least that’s what we think happened. The whole thing is in Russian, so some of the context in that intensely metaphorical chain sequence might have been lost on us. The promo does, however, contain the kind of weirdness that simply transcends the language barrier, so we hope you enjoy it as much as we did. In either case, we can’t wait to see Sapp’s response video.

So what’s the over-under on how long Sapp lasts in this one, anyway? Twenty, dare we say thirty seconds?

-J. Jones

(Okay, okay,okay, *you* can do whatever you want, Aleks. Just stop looking at us like that.) 

Earlier today, it was announced that former PRIDE star and perpetual blue-balled can crusher, Aleksander Emelianenko, had signed a multi-fight deal with the Russian organization ProFC. Which would be fine, had Emelianenko not announced his retirement from the sport three months earlier after being shitcanned by M-1 Global. Many of you are probably wondering why we are wasting our time poking fun at a long-since relevant Emelianenko brother when we could be, I dunno, predicting who is most likely to test positive for quaaludes at UFC 159, but Aleks’ recent revelation highlights a growing problem amongst MMA fighters: understanding what the term “retirement” is supposed to mean.

Look, we get it. Everyone from Michael Jordan to Muhammad Ali have announced their retirement from their respective sports in the past, only to recant shortly thereafter. It’s understandable to a degree, especially in the fight game. A guy suffers a couple tough losses, begins to fear for his own health, and decides that it is in his best interest — as well as his family’s — to call it a career before he suffers an injury he cannot come back from. Then, after adjusting to the stale, mundane existence that constitutes the lives of most non-fighters, he begins to convince himself that he’s always had “it,” but has just been held back by issues in his training camp, at home, in their own mind etc. — issues which are now completely behind him. If only it were that simple.

(Everything you ever wanted to know about James Thompson‘s failed gong-and-dash against Aleksander Emelianenko. Mega-props to ColossalCollective)

- Lawrence Epstein Explains the UFC’s New Code of Conduct, Punishments for Fighters (BleacherReport)

- UFC On Fox 6: What Do MMA Fans Have Against The Little Guys? (Deadspin)

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- UFC Won’t Schedule More Women’s Fights Until After Rousey’s Debut at UFC 157 (BloodyElbow)

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- Video: Anderson Silva Talks Contract, Next Fight (FightDay)

- Donald Cerrone, Anthony Pettis and the Best of the WEC in the Octagon (Fightline)

- White: ‘Rampage’ Made $15.2M Over 11 Fights, But ‘Shoots Himself in the Foot’ (MMAJunkie)

- Gallery: A History of Athletes Catching Murder Charges (Complex)

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- Girls With Absolutely Gorgeous Faces (WorldWideInterweb)

- Jesse Pinkman Saying ‘Bitch’: The DEFINITIVE Supercut (ScreenJunkies)

A day after it was reported that Aleksander Emelianenko had been fired by M-1 Global due to repeated violations of his contract, the Russian heavyweight has announced his retirement from MMA at the age of 31. Emelianenko released the following statement on his Facebook page (translation via MMA Lives Here):

Dear fans,
I want to thank you for your support, for having supported me in spite of all that they say about me. Unfortunately, I will not be able to perform in the ring because of health problems caused by old injuries. Of course, as an athlete it’s a hard time. I am grateful to my fans and partners for their support, for believing in me, and I am grateful to my detractors. Your attitude always made me move forward and achieve new things. I realise now I was hit by a barrage of accusations and criticisms, not directly related to my job. Unfortunately, there will always be people who want you in bad situations to score points. I don’t want to comment on anything, explain or justify. Each of us in life does good and does bad – that is our nature. I think I did a lot for the sport and I hope my example has drawn a lot of young people to the gym. Otherwise, God will judge us all, in time. Now I want to give the publicity away. I want to take care of my health, my family, which I lost, and my daughter, who I love very much. Perhaps I will see you again. Thank you! Be well and believe in God!
Your AE

Tall, mulleted, and covered in Russian gangster tattoos, Aleksander Emelianenko in his prime was just as intimidating a presence as his older brother Fedor. “The Grim Reaper” kicked off his MMA career in October 2003 with a decision win over Assuerio Silva at PRIDE Bushido 1, and went on to compile a 6-2 record within the PRIDE promotion, where Fedor ruled as heavyweight champion. Though losses to top heavyweights Mirko Cro Cop and Josh Barnett stymied his momentum, Aleks was responsible for some of the most memorable knockouts in PRIDE history. Witness:

Although Jeff Monson wisely avoided his go-to strategy of fucking dudes for free when he met Aleksander “Patient Zero” Emelianenko at M-1 Challenge 35 yesterday, he was able to come away with another one of his signature North-South submission victories. We wouldn’t exactly call the events leading up to said finish pretty — Monson’s wild, looping punches in the early going only looked passable when compared to the half-assed takedown attempts that followed them, but “The Snowman” did manage to sweep Emelianenko once things hit the ground in the first round and controlled the Russian for the rest of the fight thereafter.

(Props: IronForgesIron.com)

Fedor Emelianenko‘s hard work at the playground has paid off once again. Earlier today at an M-1 Global event in St. Petersberg, Russia, Fedor met Pedro Rizzo in his possible retirement fight, and knocked him out in the first round. “The Last Emperor” looked focused and light on his feet, and the stoppage — which came less than a minute-and-a-half into the fight — was classic Fedor. Watch as Emelianenko lands a crushing overhand right that topples Rizzo, then bounces the Rock’s head off the mat with some savage ground-and-pound.

Notable fight-fan Vladmir Putin was sitting ringside, and even more impressive was the appearance of Fedor’s brother Aleksander Emelianenko in his corner, so I guess those two knuckleheads have patched up their differences, which is nice to see. Without family, what do we really have, y’know?

To see fight videos from the undercard, go here.

(Seen here: How Aleksander Emelianenko won his last fight.) 

To get you in the mood for the brief, albeit saddening story we are about to tell you, you should first watch this. Now then…

Perhaps you are familiar with the tale of Henry Bemis, a lowly, nearly blind bank teller oft ridiculed for his near crippling obsession with the written word. Specifically, doggerel. Henry was a simple man, one who found more excitement in the whimsical tales of Charles Dickens than he did through actual interactions with his fellow man, a conundrum that had adverse effects on his occupation in more than a few instances. But what could he do? A passion is a passion, so in order to satisfy both his personal needs and his work requirements, Henry would often sneak into the bank’s vault during his lunch break and escape into whatever world his book of choice would provide for him.

On one such occasion, Henry happened to be reading the daily newspaper, which claimed that a new H-Bomb was “Capable of Total Destruction.” Before he could even grovel over such a morbid discovery, said bomb went off, killing not only everyone in the bank, but utterly destroying the entire planet. Left alone with only his thoughts, Henry decided to commit suicide via revolver to end his misery. But before he could do so, he found that the town’s library was amazingly still intact. Left with the quiet he so desperately craved, not to mention all the books he could read, Henry had basically found his utopia. That is, until he tripped and broke his glasses, rendering himself incapable of reading the very texts that he had found solitude in for as long as he could remember. Dooming him to a life of (literary) blue balls, if you will, and eventual suicide.

If recent history has indicated anything, it is that Aleksander Emelianenko is the living incarnation of the character portrayed by Burgess Meredith in that November 1959 episode of The Twilight Zone, and his most recent fight against Ibragim Magomedov at M-1 Challenge 33, which went down last night in Dzheirakh, Russia wrote this notion home with a resounding “Uuuuuuuuuggggggghhhhh….”

Join us after the jump for the video. 

(Come on…hasn’t Mark Hunt suffered enough?)

Tomorrow night in San Jose, Josh Barnett will face the greatest challenge of his post-PRIDE career when he meets Daniel Cormier in the finals of Strikeforce’s World Heavyweight Grand Prix. (FYI, we’ll be liveblogging the Showtime main card starting at 10 p.m. ET, so don’t make any big plans.) Barnett’s comfort-level in the cage and catch-wrestling expertise have led him on a four-year winning streak, and one more victory could earn him an improbable return to the UFC. In honor of this pivotal moment for the Warmaster, we decided to round up his five greatest submissions. Enjoy, and shoot us your predictions for Barnett vs. Cormier in the comments section…

(Josh Barnett vs. Semmy Schilt; UFC 32, 6/29/01)

Barnett’s first submission in the Octagon came against gigantic kickboxer Semmy Schilt, who had made his UFC debut the previous month by smashing Pete Williams. Wisely, Barnett avoids the standup game entirely, immediately taking the Dutchman to the mat. Schilt is absolutely helpless underneath the Babyface Assassin, and eventually gives up mount. Barnett waits for the right moment then attacks Schilt’s arm, giving up position in the process. It doesn’t matter — Barnett sinks the armbar at the 4:21 mark of the first round and establishes himself as a fearsome heavyweight grappler.

(Video courtesy of YouTube/limonadoss)

There is no greater crime than to be deprived of sharing your gift with the world. Okay, maybe that’s an exaggeration, but to let a god-given talent die on the vine is unforgivable, yet this seems to be the fate of one Aleksander Emelianenko. You see, after fighting in a series of meaningful, competitive battles, Aleks found his true calling as a can-crusher. Each morbid beatdown was a sight to behold, a gift to the masses. Sadly, we are now being robbed of that gift. Sure, he’s still standing across the cage from lesser competition, but they are a dangling carrot that he cannot bite, a mirage in the distance that he’ll never actually reach. Observe:

We first caught a glimpse of this phenomenon when Aleks squared off against Eddy Bengtsson. After a scant forty seconds, Bengtsson succumbed to a phantom punch and deprived Aleks the joy of a brutal finish. Fast-forward to last Friday evening, where Aleks took to punching heavybag journeyman Tadas Rimkevicius. To his credit, Rimkevicius seemed game to trade until Emelianenko really started to swang them thangs, which forced “The Lithuanian Bear” to dig deep into his bag of tricks (check out that rolling kneebar at 5:20 and tell me that Tadas isn’t the bastard child of Oleg Taktarov and Ryo Chonan). Ol’ Rimke actually catches Aleks with a left hand and drops him as the round draws to a close, which was possibly the closest anyone came to being legitimately put away in a bout that ended via TKO.

After the jump, Aleks gets cut off at ‘second base’.

(“Now insult my mother and tell me you want to slap her on the ass and make her cook you some borscht.”)

With today’s fighting landscape where we see teammates competing against one another like Gokan Saki fighting Golden Glory training partner Alistair Overeem in K-1 and Carlos Condit preparing to take on Team Jackson stablemate Georges St-Pierre, you’d think that brothers competing in a combat sambo match wouldn’t be a big deal.

Apparently Fedor Emelianenko disagrees.

The former PRIDE and WAMMA heavyweight champion competed in his beloved Russian mat sport last month and when he found himself paired with younger brother Aleksander in the heavyweight final, the fix was in.

Instead of squaring off, Alecks, who is a four-time Sambo champ, embraced Fedor, allowing himself to be thrown and submitted by his brother with an armbar, in what looked more like a demo than a bout.

The brief display made Bob Sapp look like a gamer.

(Igor Vovchanchyn vs. Francisco Bueno @ PRIDE 8, 11/21/99. Josh Barnett makes the tree-analogy at the 0:41 mark.)

Edson Barboza‘s spinning heel-kick knockout of Terry Etim at UFC 142 wasn’t just an instant-classic because of the technique itself — it was also unforgettable because of the devastating effect it had on Etim, who stiffened up and toppled straight to the mat in slow motion like a felled spruce. The “falling tree” knockout is a rare, brutal moment in combat sports that always gets a rise out of fans. Here are nine of our favorite examples from MMA fights, in no particular order.

(Edson Barboza vs. Terry Etim @ UFC 142, 1/14/12)

(Gina Carano, rising above her fears. Pic: MenVersus.com)
When signing a business contract, one must be acutely aware of the fine print. Companies often try to sneak in language and terms which may later allow them to catch the other party off guard and emerge victorious in the battle for the almighty dollar.

I’d like to think that signing a contract for an MMA bout is a bit more straightforward. You’re told upfront in no uncertain terms that the opposing party’s objective is to physically hurt you. It’s a special breed that can accept those terms and believe in themselves enough to sign on the dotted line.

Despite that rampant self-confidence—or perhaps because of it—many fighters attempt to psyche out their opponent and gain the upper-hand before the first punch has even been thrown. When successful, it makes for an easier night’s work. When it fails, the would-be intimidator is left looking foolish. The comeuppance may come in a laugh at his expense or a lop-sided asswhooping, but either way it’s a sight to behold.

Join us for a closer look at what happens when fear is not a factor in mixed martial arts.

Tomasz Narkun and Saparbek Safarov getting into it at the weigh-ins. GIFS from Emelianenko vs. Malikov after the jump. Props: IronForgesIron.com

As we anxiously await the UFC’s debut on Fox, let’s take the time to celebrate an event that did not go nearly as smoothly as we hope UFC on Fox 1 goes: M-1 Challenge 28. The event was initially set to be headlined by a welterweight championship bout between Shamil Zavurov and Rashid Magomedov, but Shamil was forced off of the card with a last minute injury. In place of the championship bout, M-1 quickly booked Aleksander Emelianenko to fight 3-1 prospect Magomed Malikov. Okay, lackluster main event with a guy we at least know of. It could get worse, right? Don’t worry, it did.

Add on the above tussle from the event’s weigh-ins, and things were spiraling out of control pretty quickly. At least we can still count on Aleksander Emelianenko to crush a hapless can, right? Right?

(Don’t worry Bob, it can only get better from here. That has to be true at least once in a while.) 

Imagine this scenario; you’re an up and coming fighter in the cut-throat world of MMA who’s finally earned his shot at the big time. The packed stadium, the camera crews, the ring girls, they’re all there. And best of all, your fight is about to be broadcast for the world to see. “I’ve made it,” you think as you bathe in the bright lights shining down on you.

But then, before you know what hit you, you’re looking up at a large, possibly Rastafarian man, who’s asking if you know where you are. And for the rest of your life, you are dubbed “that guy who got destroyed by ______ .” No matter what you accomplish, you will always be known for one bump in the road that just about everyone happened to witness. Well, here at CP, we know this story all too well, so we decided to check up on a few of these poor suckers, VH1 style, and find out what they were up to. Because knowing is half the battle. Enjoy.

Dos Caras Jr.

What (most of us) know him for: As one of the victims of the greatest MMA technique of 2003.

What he’s been up to: As it turns out, Dos Caras Jr. has actually had a rather successful career since nearly being decapitated by Mirko “Cro Cop” Filipovic back at PRIDE – Bushido 1. His real name is Alberto Rodriguez, and he actually wasn’t that bad of a fighter. Honestly, considering he both wore a mask and went by a fake name, he was a pretty damn awesome fighter, and easily the most successful. After dropping a unanimous decision to Kazuhiro Nakamura at Pride 27, “Two Faces” went 6-1, with all wins coming by way of stoppage. He even managed to pull out a head kick KO of his own back in 2010 against 3-8 fighter Arthur Bart.

Where he is now:

(I dare you to mock this picture.) 

It’s hard to define someone like Mirko “Cro Cop” Filipovic, a man who is perhaps the most multi-faceted, not to mention intriguing figure in MMA. Aside from his incredible list of credentials including time in both the Croatian elite Special Forces Unit and Parliament, the man has amassed a mixed martial arts and kickboxing resume that reads like a Hall of Fame list in either sport.

But come Saturday night at UFC 137, Cro Cop will simply be fighting for the right to continue his career, or maybe just to end it on his own terms. In a way, Filipovic is kind of like the Metallica of the heavyweights, with his 2006 Pride Grand Prix win being his Master of Puppets. And, like Metallica, everything since then has been well…just kind of downhill. The devastating loss to Gabriel Gonzaga was his ReLoad, the bittersweet win over Pat Barry his Death Magnetic, and the back-to-back knockout losses to Frank Mir and Brendan Schuab his Lulu. Except, unlike Lulu, those losses only felt like an hour and a half of pure shit.

But as fans of the sport, we are pulling for Cro Cop to put on a hell of a performance on October 29th. Even at the cost of our parlays, it would be awesome to see some flashes of the old “Cro Cop” in what could be the last fight of his incredible career, which Old Dad has already promised us Mirko will do.

Look at me, blabbering on like some school girl. Let’s take a look and listen at Cro Cop’s greatest hits, “California Dreamin‘” aside.

(Rosenthal, you scene-stealing son-of-a-bitch.)

MMA history is littered with badass sets of brothers — the Nogueiras, the Shamrocks, the Ruffos — but we wouldn’t necessarily want to see them cage-fight to the death. There are, of course, a few exceptions to that rule. In honor of tomorrow’s release of Warrior, which features two estranged brothers who [SPOILER ALERT!] beat the crap out of each other at the end, we humbly present our top-five dream fights between bros. Enjoy…

Clay Guida vs. Jason Guida

With all the times that Jason has slapped his brother in the face before UFC fights, you’d think that Clay might want to give some of it back, just once. Sure, the Carpenter would be at a solid 50-pound weight disadvantage, but I think he’d take it by decision due to his pace and his wrestling. Besides, it’s been too long since we’ve had a good open-weight freak show fight in this country.

Patricio Freire vs. Patricky Freire

This is basically the 2011 version of “I wonder what would happen if Shogun and Ninja fought each other?” With a 17-1 record and a Bellator Season 4 tournament sweep to his credit, Patricio Pitbull is undoubtedly one of the greatest featherweights outside of the UFC. (Notable moments: His TKO of Georgi Karakhanyan and destruction of Wilson Reis.) Patricio’s lightweight brother Patricky is just as ferocious, as proven by his knockout of Rob McCullough and highlight-reel flying-knee against Toby Imada. Make it happen, Bjorn.

Video Props: MiddleEasy via MMARocks.pl

In case you haven’t figured it out by now, the day of a UFC event is always a pretty slow news day. Aside from last second hype for the event and the occasional minor league show with people you’ve actually heard of, we have to get creative with our definition of “news”. So when MiddleEasy posted a video of Aleksander Emelianenko training with World’s Strongest Man turned MMA fighter Mariusz Pudzianowski, it was a pretty easy decision to pass this along.

I’ll be honest, I kind of assumed that Aleksander’s busy schedule of crushing cans, getting prison tattoos and not having hepatitis left him zero time to actually train. For that matter, I also assumed that when you’re a decorated Russian criminal and Fedor Emelianenko’s younger brother, you wouldn’t need to practice to be really good at hurting people. Different strokes, I suppose.

(Aleks looks like he’s coming off of a particularly bad vodka bender in that photo)

Alex Emelianenko revealed over the weekend that he will face his next inexperienced opponent October 28 in Poland. The younger brother of Fedor Emelianenko confirmed the news with FightCard.pl that he will take on Tomasz Nowak (2-0 MMA, 27-4 kickboxing) at an event called Strefa Walk.

(If Aleks hadn’t gone and contracted Hep C, they could have sorted things out the old fashioned way. – vid courtesy of YouTube/Sakuraba78)

When Russians fight, they don’t beat around the bush.

In an interview he did over the weekend with Valetudo.ru in which he responded to claims from Aleksander Emelianenko that his brother’s loss to Dan Henderson over the weekend was the fault of Fedor’s trainers, Sergei Kharitonov called Lil’ Emel “a drunken, diseased drug addict who wasn’t raised properly and who was a mistake.”

“When I read his interview I laughed out loud. Although he is 30 years old and that’s certainly not the reason for laughter. Firstly, for guys like Aleks I am not ‘Serezha’ but rather ‘Sergei Valeryevich.’ Secondly, it’s about time for him to learn how to compress thoughts and, above all, to think before he speaks. He didn’t get a proper upbringing, I guess, but I don’t want to go deeper in it – he doesn’t deserve so much honor. He is a great trash-talker, but real fighters prove their strength in the ring. Aleks is a drinker, he is always brawling. Normal men like me or Fedor would never drink to alcoholic mania and fight in the street. But I often hear about Aleks getting into scraps like this in different corners of our country,” he says. “He rampages, harasses the waitresses and other girls, lies, cries on every corner that he is a champion of the world and the strongest man on Earth. I guess, this is some kind of a drug effect.”

(Video courtesy of YouTube/UliMorse)

Fedor has been taking his training for his last kick at the cat upcoming tilt with Dan Henderson next weekend seriously, enlisting the help of several top-tier training partners like his brother Aleksander and professional boxer Denis Lebedov to prepare for the former PRIDE and current Strikeforce champion.

Can-crusher (n.): MMA fighter who makes his reputation by destroying the weak and inexperienced, but falls apart when faced with an opponent who’s half-decent. In no particular order, here are the eight fighters who have defined "can-crushing" more than anybody else in the sport, beginning with one who should still be very fresh in your minds…

BRANDON VERA (11-6)

Notable cans crushed in the last three years: Reese Andy, Mike Patt
Biggest win in the last three years: Krzysztof Soszynski
Recent losses: Thiago Silva, Jon Jones, Randy Couture
A cautionary tale about believing your own hype, Brandon Vera’s career has unfolded in two distinct phases: The "sky’s the limit" phase, in which Vera hacked through every opponent in his path, culminating in his beat-down of former champ Frank Mir at UFC 65 — and the "when is this dude getting fired?" phase, marked by contract disputes, unchecked ego, underwhelming performances, and a half-dozen losses. Following the Thiago Silva fight at UFC 125, we expect the Truth to be sent back down to the minors where he can prey on scrubs for a while.

ALEKSANDER EMELIANENKO (17-4)

Notable cans crushed in the last three years: Miodrag Petkovic, Eddy Bengtsson, Ibragim Magomedov, Sang Soo Lee
Biggest win in the last three years: Honestly, he hasn’t beaten anybody worth mentioning.
Recent loss: Peter Graham
Fedor’s younger brother built a fearsome reputation in PRIDE for his ice-cold demeanor and lightning-fast knockouts of equally scary-looking mofos like James Thompson and Ricardo Morais. But ever since he left the Japanese scene in 2006 to compete almost exclusively in Europe, his career has drifted steadily out of relevance. A 2008 deal with Affliction signaled a return to meaningful competition, but it didn’t work out — reportedly because of health issues that he has denied ever since. His painful loss to Peter Graham last month suggested that even his can-crushing days might be coming to an end.

(Props: 187872 via MMAScraps. Fight starts at the one-minute mark.)

Aleksander Emelianenko was back in action Saturday night in Khabarovsk, Russia, where he faced Australian K-1/Sengoku vet Peter Graham in the main event of Draka: Governor’s Cup 2010. Despite Graham’s decorated kickboxing background, he came into the fight with an underwhelming MMA record of 3-5, with notable losses to Kazuyuki Fujita, Rolles Gracie, and Jim York (all by first-round choke).

But this was no ordinary MMA match — special rules were in place so that fighters would be stood up after just 30 seconds. Not that it would matter to Aleks, who hasn’t needed much more than his fists lately. In fact, The Other Emelianenko had finished all of his previous eight opponents in the first round. True, most of those opponents were no-name punching bags who looked like they didn’t belong in the ring with him, and his April win against Eddy Bengtsson was one of the dive-iest dives in diving history. Would Graham be another conquest on Alek’s can-crushing streak? As the headline of this post should have already informed you, no, not at all.

(The Rampage Jackson Diaries, vol. 1: A quick look at Rampage’s secret training camp for UFC 123.)

Some selected highlights from our friends around the MMA blogosphere. E-mail feedback@cagepotato.com for details on how your site can join the MMA Link Club…

– A Lean BJ Penn Already on Weight For UFC 123 (MMA Convert)

– Tim Boetsch Talks Davis Fight, Learning From Past Losses (Heavy.com/MMA)

– Five Lessons: UFC 122 & WEC 52 (Versus MMA Beat)

– My First Fight: Dennis Hallman (MMA Fighting)

– Aleksander Emelianenko Is Singing in Front of a Live Audience and No One Knows Why (MiddleEasy)

– Strikeforce Cuts Ties With Roxanne Modafferi (Five Ounces of Pain)

– Why Brock Lesnar Should Fight Nogueira Next (LowKick)

– FIGHT! Rankings: Okami is the #2 middleweight in the world, Marquardt drops to #12 (FIGHT! Magazine)

– Jean-Claude Van Damme Gets Emotional While Discussing his Upcoming Fight (MMA Scraps)

– Fabricio Werdum’s Tune-Up Fight Plan Causes Needless Worry By Fans (SBNation.com/MMA)

(Ortiz and Liddell will settle their grudge once and for all on New Year’s Eve…OR WILL THEY?? / Photo courtesy of CombatLifestyle)

One of my weekly MMA must-reads is the "Sunday Morning Rumor Mill" column on MiddleEasy, which features a bunch of juicy stories that just might be true. In homage to our pals, we’d like to start a similar feature on CagePotato — except ours will work a little differently. Of the eight items you see below, seven have been pulled directly out of our asses. The other one is absolutely, positively, 100% true, and has been confirmed by inside sources. Which one is it? We’d rather not say, due to legal reasons. You’ll have to figure it out yourself…

– Vinicius Quieroz wasn’t the only fighter who was caught by the UFC’s independent drug-testing at UFC 120. There was a second guy who pissed hot for the same steroid, but the company decided to let him off with a private (but very stern) warning. Hint: Main card, but not main event.

– Arianny Celeste has been dating a former UFC fighter for the past year, but has kept the relationship hidden from the public, in order to protect the fantasy that she’s "available" to her fans. We can’t reveal her boyfriend’s name, but his initials are Tiki Ghosn.

(Props: rusquote via Fightlinker)

Just a month after he scored a first-round TKO over Eddy Bengtsson via mind-bullets, nomadic heavyweight Aleksander Emelianenko was back in the ring this weekend at an Azerbaijan Pankration Federation event, proving absolutely nothing against another middle-of-the-food-chain European opponent. This time it was Miodrag Petkovic (29-12-1), a 40-year-old Serbian who holds wins over Igor Pokrajac, Tim Hague, and Travis Fulton. I wish we had a better video of this — perhaps, one that shows how Petkovic originally ended up on his back, and didn’t include another fight tacked onto the end of it, and didn’t look like it was edited together by Azamat Bagatov — but the basic gist is, Aleks spent the majority of the fight smashing Petkovic from the top until the ref stopped the fight at the 3:00 mark. It was Emelianenko’s eighth consecutive first-round victory. But of course, quantity is no replacement for quality. Did he forget about his plan to come to America and beat everyone in the UFC?

(Skirting the Unified Rules, Lil’ Emel uses the Force Choke to incapacitate his opponent)

For years now, fans and reporters have hypothesized that Fedor Emelianenko is some mystical being whose powers were not of this world — a Jedi, perhaps.

It seems that his younger brother, Aleksander, has similar gifts. 

(We’re not sure, but this may be the best translated fighter "documentary" since the one on Mirko Filipovic. Fourteen seconds in and he’s declared "one of the strongest guys on the planet." That really sets the tone for what’s ahead.)

Though Aleksander Emelianenko and his possibly tainted blood are no longer welcome to fight professionally in the U.S., he’s been surprisingly active in Russia of late. At least, you know, for a guy who may or may not have Hepatitis B. Just last year he beat Ibragim Magomedov and also made his pro boxing debut, and more recently he won the Russian Combat Sambo Championships. Now MMAFighting.com reports that he’s found himself another MMA opponent willing to take the risks for a shot at glory and money, and it’s Swedish fighter and former Olympic wrestler Eddy Bengtsson, who will face Emelianenko in Moscow on April 23.

Bengtsson is 3-1 and he’s only been a pro since 2008, so there are at least two reasons why this fight would have a hard time getting sanctioned in any country that cared for the well being of the individual. But dammit, we can’t hate on Aleks or Eddy for trying to ply their trade. In fact, it’s refreshing to see two guys throwing good sense aside in an attempt to hurt one another.

At the same time, after watching some of Eddy’s fights we’re a little concerned that he may get straight-up murdered by MMA’s favorite tattoo enthusiast. Obviously he’s a good wrestler, but Emelianenko isn’t just some punk he can toss around with ease. He’s a big scary dude who has a little bit of experience at this MMA stuff, and Bengtsson really doesn’t. See what we mean after the jump.

(‘And now I join you in holy matrimony, for better or for worse, until one of you starves or is eaten by wolves.’)

Here’s how unconcerned Fedor Emelianenko is about fighting Brett Rogers on Strikeforce’s November 7 show on CBS: instead of training his ass off with a single-minded focus on destruction, he took some time out to get married this weekend.  Fedor took the plunge for the second time in his life (his first marriage ended in 2006), and he did it in a Russian Orthodox ceremony which involves a lot of awesome symbolism, such as being crowned the king of your own home.  The typical Orthodox wedding also usually involves a couple days worth of celebrating, but we’re hoping that Fedor postponed that, along with the honeymoon, so he could be back hitting tires with sledgehammers and sparring in public parks by Monday morning.

Seriously, it’s great that Fedor has entered once again into wedded bliss, and we’re very happy for him, but couldn’t this have waited until after the Rogers fight?  Judging by the pictures, his bride wasn’t eight months pregnant, so they could have conceivably put it off until after the fight if they wanted to.  At this point we have to assume that Fedor knows how to prepare for a fight, but these distractions are starting to take on a little bit of a “Rocky III” kind of feel, and – we’re just putting it out there – Brett Rogers and Clubber Lang have very similar haircuts.

In other Emelianenko family news…

(Props: TSGIGOR)

We don’t speak the Russkie, but according to rough translations of the above shout-out video, Aleksander Emelianenko would just like to say thank you to all his fans, and vows to come to America soon to "beat everyone in the UFC." Yes, everyone — even the lightweights, we’d have to assume. And sure, Aleksander seems to pop up every few months to make similar proclamations, despite the fact that the CSAC’s Bill Douglas once stated that he’ll never be licensed to fight in the U.S. again. But things feel a little different now…and dare we say, hopeful.

Back in March, Aleks said he was pondering an offer from the UFC. At the time, we pointed out that his Affliction contract would get in the way of a UFC signing happening in the immediate future, but now that Affliction is toast, he’s basically a free agent again; remember, he no longer has any official ties to M-1 either. Just spitballin’ here, but could the UFC pick him up to put in European shows, thereby skirting his blacklisted status in the U.S.? (After all, the CSAC never came out and said "Hep B" — that was just the widespread rumor.) Or is this one of those pipe dreams that will never materialize, no matter how many ethical guidelines are bent?

(Still the master of the just-woke-up-and-ready-for-murder look.)

The next stop on Aleksander Emelianenko’s “I Totally Don’t Have Hepatitis” tour is reportedly set for September 29 in South Korea, where he’ll meet Blagoi Ivanov, the Bulgarian fighter who defeated his brother Fedor in the World Combat Sambo Championships in November.  The fight is scheduled to go down in the newly-formed Fighter Mania Championship (or, if you prefer, the FMC) in Seoul, and the hook here is fairly obvious.  Aleks attempts to exact revenge on the man who embarrassed his brother in Sambo by beating him in MMA and maybe also infecting him with a blood-borne disease.  Ivanov is supposed to be making his MMA debut against Kazuyuki Fujita at Sengoku 8 on August 2, but apparently the FMC promoters are betting he’ll be fine to compete again less than two months later.

You have to give Ivanov this much, for a guy with zero professional experience in MMA he’s certainly diving into deep waters right away.  Fujita and Aleks Emelianenko may not be at the top of anyone’s heavyweight list, but they’re both experienced, dangerous opponents.  It seems we’ll find out in a hurry whether winning a Sambo tournament makes you an instantly credible MMA fighter.  Our guess is no, it probably doesn’t.