Damn it, Jon. Thumb UP! Props: The Phantom Knee

We’re not even one week into 2013, yet we already have a strong candidate for CagePotato.com’s coveted MMA Fail of the Year at the year-ending Potato Awards. And yes, “coveted” is the right word here – with all of the ugly tattoos, terrible t-shirts, goofy haircuts and general jackassery in this great sport, it’s a legitimate honor to be recognized for failing harder than everyone else around you. Last year, the award went to a guy who dared his opponent to knock him out seconds before getting knocked out. Following in his footsteps, this instructor is so confident that he has discovered the “ultimate” way to defend against an armbar that you should really be expecting his demise well before it plays out.

This guy’s “Ultimate Armbar Defense” isn’t exactly scientific; it involves grabbing your own gi collar and holding on for dear life. Don’t ask me how a jiu-jitsu purple belt didn’t realize that he was setting himself up for a textbook gi choke, but he didn’t, and the inevitable happens by the end of the video. My favorite part of the video is the very end, when he wakes up, remembers where he is, puffs his chest out and looks into the camera with manly, Ronda Rousey-esque confidence.

(Perhaps “Professor X” should consider changing his nickname to “Mister Fantastic.”)

Since being ousted from the UFC following a pair of losses to Denis Kang and Drew McFedries in 2009, the times have been tough on Xavier “Professor X” Foupa-Pokam. He’s won just three out of his past twelve fights (which could be worse *cough* Sean Salmon *cough*) and he had to suffer through this hellacious armbar at the hands of Jack Marshman in his appearance at BAMMA 11 on December 1st just to walk away with a split decision victory.

A credit is due to Pokam for gritting it out through such a dicey moment, but he should also be thanking his lucky stars that he was fighting a relatively inexperienced ground fighter in Marshman, who has apparently yet to learn what even Jim Norton could tell you: The key to a solid armbar comes from elevating the hips, not going palm-to-palm like Frank Mir on an inside shoulder lock. It was a nasty hold, no doubt, but Ronda Rousey would have finished that shit. Just sayin’.

Props: Zombie Cage Fighter

By CagePotato Contributer Jake “KillBurnDestroy” Richards

Let’s be real, no matter how trendy, no matter how played out, we all still fantasize about the zombie apocalypse on a daily basis. While there will always be the NRA member who has a weapons cache in their basement, some won’t be so fortunate. This one goes out to them.

HONORABLE MENTION- Running Away

(Props: jd45681 via fightvideomma. If this one goes down, there’s a backup after the jump.)

To quote ourselves: We’re not going to give away the winner of Ronda Rousey vs. Sarah Kaufman, but let’s just say it ended by armbar in the first round. Goodness gracious. If you missed our liveblog of tonight’s Strikeforce card, click here.

(Ann is lucky Bas didn’t have a salt shaker or a bar stool handy, or this would’ve gone down WAY differently.) 

If you are one of those conspiracy theorists out there who believe that Ronda Rousey sold her soul to the devil for the Ultimate Armbar of Absolute Victory (perhaps we’re naming that a little soon), then it’s time for a wake up call. Aside from Ronda’s extensive judo background, her ability to maim and disfigure her female counterparts is equal parts experience and genetics. Because believe it or not, her mother, Dr. Ann Maria Rousey DeMars, was the first American woman to ever win a World Judo Championship. How’d she do it, you ask? Mainly through the help of her friends; Harai Goshi, Uchi Mata, and Mr. Armbar.

Well Taters, it seems that Ronda’s mom has taken some time out of her busy schedule to bestow some knowledge upon us all, via her personal blog. Today’s lesson is titled “How to do a Perfect Armbar.” Enjoy:

Join us after the jump to get your knowledge on. 

(If you’re squeamish, you’re on the wrong site.)

If you thought Ronda Rousey’s exuberant over-torquing of Miesha Tate’s arm on Saturday night was the most disgusting injury in MMA this weekend, you were mistaken.

VidProps: uchideshi/YouTube

Ok, Nation, today’s tech video is one of our favorites: a clip from Roy Dean’s White Belt Bible BJJ instructional. Called “White to Black – A Shift in Perspective”, the video illustrates the evolution of a BJJ player through a single, simple technique — the armbar.

Now based in Bend, Oregon, Dean is a long-time student of traditional martial arts, with black belts in judo, aikido, battojutsu, and jujutsu from his studies as an exchange student in Japan, as well as a black belt in BJJ under Joe Moreira and Roy Harris.

Chances are, the armbar was one of the first submissions you ever saw in MMA, and you had no idea why Royce Gracie was upside down underneath a guy — and the guy on top was tapping out with alacrity. Like the rear naked choke, we see the armbar so often that it can seem boring and pedestrian.

Watch this and fall in love with the armbar all over again.

[RX]

Mondays. Do we need to tell you that Mondays are the worst day of the week? This was scientifically verified, by the way, because scientists always study things that are self-evident to most people with some damn sense in their heads. I expect scientists to jump right on the phenomenon of videos featuring Joanne Spracklen and Hillary Williams and their massive popularity.

Hey brainiacs: it’s because these are two well-educated women discussing BJJ; one of whom is a world champ and an effing genius, while the other knows her roll (see what we did there?) and has an adorable South African accent. There’s no mystery here. Go figure out why it’s 2011 and we still don’t have hoverboards.

Make your Monday a bit better by checking out this video, in which Williams demonstrates how to turn that pesky defending arm into a victim of hyperextension. It’s a slick transition from one side of the body to the other, and a perfect example of turning your opponent’s strength into a weakness. Watch it twice, and then go practice in your garage.

[RX]

It takes a special kind of cojones to stare down permanent injury and say "Eff it, I ain’t tappin’." Inspired by the DVD we’ve been plugging lately, we decided to pay tribute to the technical submission — that thrilling moment when a fighter is caught in a health-threatening submission hold, but is too stupid much of a warrior to concede defeat, so the referee has to do it for him. Because as a wise man once said, "Tapping out is for bitches." Enjoy…

***

#8: Daniel Gracie vs. Wes Sims
IFL Championships 2006, 6/3/06

After their first chaotic mess of a bout was ruled a “Technical Draw,” Gracie and Sims met again in the IFL for another technical ending.  Though Sims has always had a hazy understanding of the rules in any given MMA bout, he got taken down too quickly to launch any illegal stomps in this one, and had to settle for giving up his back and then trying to grab on to the ropes (thankfully Stephen Quadros reminds him that he can’t do that) as Gracie stayed on him like a backpack and choked him unconscious.  There’s nothing quite like seeing a 6’10” guy drop to the canvas like somebody just pulled his plug.  Sleep well, buddy.

#7. Frank Shamrock vs. Phil Baroni
Strikeforce/EliteXC: Shamrock vs. Baroni, 6/22/07

(Choke starts at the 8:35 mark.)

Thanks to Shammy’s pioneering work in video trash talk, this fight was epic before it even began. Strikeforce’s first middleweight title fight paired two loud-mouthed badasses who would never admit defeat — but unfortunately, there could be only one champion. After battering the NYBA with punches for almost two full rounds, Shamrock took Baroni’s back, wrapped an arm around his neck, and squeezed. While most men would tap to the hold, Baroni went out like a warrior, throwing punches into Frank’s mug until he lost consciousness. Shamrock celebrated his win by shoving Baroni’s lifeless body then kicking him in the ass, proving that he wasn’t just the better fighter that night, he was also the bigger asshole.

#10: Shinya Aoki’s Flying Guard Pull/Japanese Backpack

(Aoki vs. Cavalcante and Moore, respectively.)

When you fight Aoki you know he wants to get things to the ground, and he knows that you know it.  Takedowns and sweeps can be hard to come by against an opponent looking to defend them and almost nothing else, so Aoki has had to find other , more creative ways of getting the fight where he wants it, even getting thrown and briefly mounted from time to time.  One of our favorite maneuvers is his flying guard pull.  It may look silly, but more often than not you’re coming down with him and playing the ground game.  If you defend that, he can always jump on you from behind like a kitschy Japanese backpack.  Think "Hello Kitty," only way more dangerous. 

#9: Matt Hughes‘ Slam

(Hughes KO slams Newton at the 1-minute mark, Frank Trigg gets his at 3:20.)

When wrestlers first emerged as a dominant force in MMA they faced an obvious problem: nothing in their background had prepared them to finish fights.  In the UFC, pinning dudes will just get you boos and a call for action from Big John, so you’d better come up with something else.  Matt Hughes did, and that something was his farmboy slam.  He knocked Carlos Newton out with it at UFC 34, and used it as a staple in his game for years.  Even if it was rarely as effective in ending fights as it was against Newton, it still looked cool when he walked across the cage with an opponent on his shoulder like a sack of flour, and it sure got the fans fired up, like it did in Hughes’ dramatic comeback victory against Frank Trigg at UFC 52.

Before he was damn-near-killing people in the WEC, #6-ranked featherweight Jose Aldo was doing it in small Brazilian shows. We just came across this video of Aldo’s fourth pro fight against Aritano Barbosa; watch as Aldo puts Barbosa’s lights out with a knee (see also: Aldo vs. Rolando Perez at WEC 39), jackhammer-punches him for a while, then ends the fight with some of the most brutal soccer kicks in MMA history. Hardcore, brah.

Below: Fightlinker dug up this video of a girl-on-guy vale tudo match, if you’re into that sort of thing. The fight starts off with the dude clearly taking it easy on the little lady — and wouldn’t you know, he winds up paying for it at the end. And therein lies the Catch 22 of fighting a woman: If you go 100% and smash her, you’re an asshole. If you half-ass it and get armbarred, you’re a pussy. And my God, look at the guy’s face at the 3:03 mark. I don’t even let my own girlfriend beat me like that.

Today’s must-see highlight reels come to us from Comrad101 via Wasa-B: First, the top 10 MMA armbars, featuring Sakuraba, Mir, Minotauro Nogueira, Fedor, and a crowd-pleasing classic from Rumina Sato at #1. Then, it’s the legs’ turn. Craig Oxley should have had to commit seppuku after the humiliation that Genki Sudo put him through at the 3:35 mark — and it’s only a matter of time before Brock Lesnar pulls off the same move.

After the jump, three more installments of Train Like LT, starring Kimbo Slice, LaDainian Tomlinson, and the most broke-ass energy drink in history. Props to MMAFightGirls.

Crush and Sugar Free getting down at Xtreme Couture. Props to BloodyElbow.

A promo for SpikeTV’s upcoming preview show on “Breakthrough,” which features actual footage of Chuck Liddell’s hamstring injury in April, and Matt Hamill wreckin’ dudes as a kid. Props to FiveOuncesofPain.

(Babyface Barnett sticks it to the Snowman.)

World Victory Road’s “Sengoku II: Second Battle” event was held today in Tokyo, with Josh Barnett dominating Jeff Monson to a decision victory, Kevin Randleman winning a decision in his first fight since October 2006, and heavyweight rising star Roger Gracie scoring a first-round submission win in his second pro MMA bout. Props to Sherdog. More vids after the jump.

Josh Barnett def. Jeff Monson via decision
Roger Gracie def. Yuki Kondo via submission (rear-naked choke), round 1
Kevin Randleman def. Ryo Kawamura via decision
Yoshihiro “Kiss” Nakao def. Jim York via KO, round 2
Jorge Santiago def. Yuki Sasaki via submission (armbar), round 3
Eiji Mitsuoka def. Kwang Hee Lee via submission (rear-naked choke), round 1
Mike Pyle def. Dan Hornbuckle via submission (triangle choke), round 1
Satoru Kitaoka def. Ian Schaffa via submission (guillotine choke), round 1

MMA Mania reports that welterweight Nick “The Mad Monkey” Serra — Matt’s brother — will be competing on the undercard of EliteXC: Primetime (May 31st; Newark, NJ) against Matt Makowski, a 2-0 fighter who most recently submitted Joe Schilling at a ShoXC event in January. Serra has only competed professionally five times since his August 1999 debut at a “Vengeance at the Vanderbilt” event that also saw the pro debut of his brother, and has compiled a record of four wins (all by submission) and two losses (both by decision). Below are two of those wins: First, Serra’s 2003 fight with Rick McCoy where the Monkey took it to the ground early with a flying arm-triangle then did some Nate Diaz-style showboating en route to an eventual tapout; then, his most recent bout with Mike Varner last June at CFFC 5 – Two Worlds, One Cage.

I saw this one for the first time on UFC Unleashed last night and needed to share. In his fifth UFC fight (at “Champion vs. Champion,” 9/8/07), Marcus Davis was rocked early by a head kick and pounded on the ground to the point where 9 out of 10 refs would have jumped in to stop the fight. Big ups to ref Yves Lavigne, who was able to sense that Marcus wasn’t quite out of it and gave the Irish Hand Grenade a chance to continue. Davis worked his way onto his feet and then on top of Taylor, where he pummeled Taylor from the mount, then transitioned into a slick armbar that earned him the “Submission of the Night” bonus; Davis and Taylor also picked up the “Fight of the Night” bonuses for the effort.

Mike Goldberg line of the fight: “Marcus Davis has…literally fallen in love with elbows.”

Besides his astounding fighting ability, Gesias “JZ” Calvancante has another advantage going into DREAM‘s all-star lightweight tournament that kicks off Saturday night in Saitama, Japan — he’s already faced three of the guys in the bracket. JZ scored a first-round TKO of Hidetaka Monma at K-1 Hero’s 5 in May 2006, knocked off Andre “Dida” Amade last September to win the K-1 Hero’s 2007 middleweight tournament, and ate his only loss via a decision to Joachim Hansen at a Shooto match in 2004. Here’s his meeting with Dida, which went from wild slugfest to JZ’s usual assault-from above, ending with a brutal armbar. Below that is Calvancante’s opening-round match against Vitor Ribeiro from the same night, in which Shaolin was utterly dominated in 35 seconds.

Carlos Condit — who we have ranked as the #8 welterweight in the world — will defend his WEC welterweight title for the second time next Wednesday at WEC 32. Here’s his last fight, against Brock Larson at WEC 29 (8/5/07). A submission specialist with 12 tapout victories under his belt, Condit kept his cool while on his back, waiting for the perfect moment to snap onto Larson’s arm and wrench him into submission.

Fedor Emelianenko’s last fight — which went down April 14th at BodogFight’s “Clash of the Nations” — got off to a rocky start, with Matt Lindland punching open a cut over Emelianenko’s eye in the opening seconds. Fedor’s only career loss came from a first-round stoppage due to a cut, and there was no way he was going to let that happen again. Bleeding onto the mat, Emelianenko worked double-time to find a submission and end the fight. Find it, he did: