assault

(Shit's about to get real, son.  Real bad.)

Five Ounces of Pain is passing along a report that everyone’s favorite MMA screw-up, War Machine, was arrested in Las Vegas for battery early Saturday morning.  That’s right, the same guy who recently lost a job opportunity with Bellator for his comments about President Obama, which came after he was kicked out of the UFC for his comments about Evan Tanner/refusal to fight Brandon Wolff.  

To make matters worse, this was apparently a citizen’s arrest, meaning some guy (or woman, we don’t know) on the street grabbed War Machine after he battered someone and then held him there for the cops.  Or, more likely, it happened in a club or casino and security detained him, though I like the first explanation better for the visual imagery it conjures up.

War Machine was already on probation in California for beating up someone outside a gym, so unless he can prove his innocence in this case – and let’s be honest, you knew when you saw the headline that he was guilty – he’s probably going to do some time.

As much as we like mocking those who have aggressively proved themselves deserving of such mockery, War Machine’s life has recently moved beyond pure schadenfreude and into the realm of the genuinely depressing.  Though he did bring it on himself (repeatedly) while demonstrating a complete unwillingness to learn from his past mistakes.  You know where he could make friends who share those fun little traits?  Prison.

(A woman scorned...)

Note to self, don’t piss off Stephanie Trapani, the now ex-girlfriend of Jeff Monson, because once you do she is not above ratting you out to the cops for offenses unrelated to your destruction of her laptop and grandfather clock.  

In an updated report on Monson’s arrest in North Carolina, The Olympian reports that Trapani (the nursing student/part-time model pictured above) recovered Monson’s cell phone off the side of the road after throwing it out her car window, and found pictures on it of Monson spraying graffiti on other locations in Washington besides the Capitol building.  And she's not keeping those pics to herself, either:

"I'm sure the prosecutors would like to look at that," she said.

Oh, Stephanie.  Break up with the man, call the cops on him when he goes apeshit in your house, but don’t do this.  Don’t help police in an entirely different state build a case against him for graffiti, of all things.  Don’t become a rat.  Because you know who likes a rat, Stephanie?  Nobody.  Absolutely nobody.

Trapani also said that she “didn't agree with a lot of the things [Monson] did," and never shared his enthusiasm for anarchy.  Which should be a lesson to everyone out there.  When looking for a romantic partner, don’t settle for just blonde hair and big tits.  Find someone who shares your interests!

(Get used to being in a cage, my man.)

Things just got worse for MMA’s favorite anarchist, Jeff Monson.  He was arrested this weekend in North Carolina on a charge unrelated to his malicious mischief trouble in Olympia, Washington.  Now he’s in jail on suspicion of “assault on a female and injury to real property.”  Girl troubles gone terribly wrong, in other words.  How disappointing.  

The Olympian got the story from 30-year-old Stephanie Trapani, of Advance, North Carolina, who apparently had a thing going with “The Snowman”:

Trapani says she had a romantic relationship with Monson, but they got in an argument after found out he had romantic relationships with other women. She also alleges "he has two wives." She said she found out information about his other girlfriends on his cell phone and she then threw the cell phone out the window of her car while she was driving to pick him up at the gym. When he found out his cell phone was gone when they returned to Trapani's home, he got angry. "He went ballistic," she said.

("Seriously man, buy a subscription to this magazine and I'll send you ten free CDs." Photo courtesy of SurfingTheMag)

Yesterday we passed along the news that Kim Couture has slapped a restraining order on Todd Beard, the Affliction co-founder and Xtreme Couture apparel partner who went apeshit when Kim asked him for an accounting of XC's profits. And we all had a good LOL at this weirdo's criminal history, which spanned everything from fraud to forgery to DUI. (Whoops!) Well, it's not so funny when you hear the details of some of Beard's atrocities. Just how mentally unbalanced is the Affliction boss? Take it from his baby-momma:

Denise Zullo, with whom Beard has a daughter, has alleged in court that Beard has struck, intimidated or threatened her and has received court protection from him in the past.

In a December 31, 1997, request for a restraining order, Zullo testified that in the late summer of 1996, Beard punched her in the stomach while she was pregnant. She also testified that on May 13, 1997, she sprayed him with pepper spray to stop what she called “another of his violent, drunken outbursts.”

Jesus H. Christ. Still not convinced that he's a sociopath? Dig this 1995 L.A. Times article that Bloody Elbow found:

(Former IFL fighter Claude Patrick: awake and relatively unscathed.)

It seems that the fighting didn't stop with the final bell at Ottawa's Freedom Fight this past weekend, as word of a taser-filled assault is spreading across the internet. The boys at Fightlinker (who attended the show, and whose whereabouts the time of the attack are currently unaccounted for) first mentioned the story yesterday.

Details about exactly who was tasered and beaten, by whom, and why, have all been sketchy. But Sherdog caught up with Canadian welterweight Claude Patrick, who was a victim of the assault. Unfortunately, because he was tasered into unconsciousness and then put into a medically-induced coma for twenty-four hours at the hospital, he doesn't really know what happened either:

“All I know is that I walked into my friend Pete Rodley’s room to say goodnight and thanks for the show, and next thing I woke up in the hospital,” Patrick told Sherdog.com Monday. “I’m assuming I got tased from behind. They said I got hit with a stun gun or a taser and that’s all she wrote.”

[...]

“Dude, I was hoping you were calling me to tell me what happened,” Patrick joked. “They kept me in an induced coma for 24 hours and I just got up today. Actually, I thought today was Sunday.”