(Does *this* look like the face of a man who might beat you to death with a large ceremonial hammer?)

You can all exhale now — Alistair Overeem‘s dust up at the Wynn Las Vegas hotel earlier this year, in which he allegedly shoved a woman, will not result in a jail sentence. This is good news for UFC fans who are salivating over his upcoming heavyweight title fight against Junior Dos Santos at UFC 146, and great news for the lucky bastard who just avoided becoming the Reem’s cell mate. (I’m just saying, he’s a big man, and he needs love.)

Overeem waived his right to a trial and did not appear in court for his misdemeanor battery hearing yesterday. While he was busy throwing out energy fields at the UFC 146 press conference, Overeem’s attorney David Chesnoff finalized a plea deal that will require the fighter to fulfill 50 hours of community service and to undergo anger-management counseling. Hopefully Alistair learns to channel his aggression into something positive, like party-rocking. Overeem also received a suspended 90-day jail sentence, but the matter will be dismissed as long as he meets the conditions laid out by the court.

Without sharing details of the case, Overeem described the situation as a lesson about the differences between Holland and America:

(In an unprecedented move, Alistair’s first character witness will be this gigantic K-1 trophy.)

Following his alleged shoving of a woman at the Wynn Las Vegas hotel on January 2nd, UFC heavyweight #1 contender Alistair Overeem is scheduled to appear at a bench trial in Clark County, Nevada, on March 27th, where the verdict will be determined by a judge without a jury. Cross your fingers that the judge isn’t a die-hard Brock Lesnar fan.

Overeem faces one misdemeanor battery charge, which carries a potential $1,000 fine and up to six months in prison. While we expect his high-powered lawyer to smash these charges like an Uberknee to the ribs, it would be a disaster if this affected Overeem’s scheduled heavyweight championship bout against Junior Dos Santos at UFC 146 on May 26th. Stay tuned…

(Fuck a body-cavity search. Props to TMZ.)

More details about War "Jon Koppenhaver" Machine’s weekend arrest, from everybody’s favorite online gossip rag that occasionally covers UFC fighters, TMZ:

Perhaps the club was a little too straight-friendly. (Or not friendly enough?) Who knows. What you should really be concerned about is the fact that he had access to a computer the day after his arrest. After the jump, Machine turns to his trusty blog — perhaps the only constant in his life — to give us a little insight on what might have set him off in the first place.

(Shit’s about to get real, son.  Real bad.)

Five Ounces of Pain is passing along a report that everyone’s favorite MMA screw-up, War Machine, was arrested in Las Vegas for battery early Saturday morning.  That’s right, the same guy who recently lost a job opportunity with Bellator for his comments about President Obama, which came after he was kicked out of the UFC for his comments about Evan Tanner/refusal to fight Brandon Wolff.  

To make matters worse, this was apparently a citizen’s arrest, meaning some guy (or woman, we don’t know) on the street grabbed War Machine after he battered someone and then held him there for the cops.  Or, more likely, it happened in a club or casino and security detained him, though I like the first explanation better for the visual imagery it conjures up.

War Machine was already on probation in California for beating up someone outside a gym, so unless he can prove his innocence in this case – and let’s be honest, you knew when you saw the headline that he was guilty – he’s probably going to do some time.

As much as we like mocking those who have aggressively proved themselves deserving of such mockery, War Machine’s life has recently moved beyond pure schadenfreude and into the realm of the genuinely depressing.  Though he did bring it on himself (repeatedly) while demonstrating a complete unwillingness to learn from his past mistakes.  You know where he could make friends who share those fun little traits?  Prison.