infomercial fail gifs
21 Humans Who Make Being Human Look Really, Really Hard

Tag: Bellator 96

Photo of the Day: War Machine & Christy Mack Validate Their Relationship With Matching Ink


(Two tattoos, zero real names. Photo via War Machine’s Twitter.)

According to our poll, a staggering 55.3% of you believed that former TUF star and current Bellator badass War Machine had the hottest pornstar girlfriend of them all in Ms. Christy Mack (to the 2 people who suggested “our mom,” that doesn’t even make sense. To the man/woman who suggested GSP & Dakota Cochrane, bravo.). Clearly, Mr. Machine agrees with this sentiment, which is why he and his significant other got coordinating tattoos over the weekend. Because if there’s one thing we’ve learned about a pornstar’s love, it’s that it’s forever.

On the heels of a first round TKO over Blas Avena in his Bellator debut, it appears that War Machine is riding pretty high these days. Gone are the days of assaulting his pornstar girlfriends at parties and, well, assaulting the patrons of Vegas gay clubs. Nowadays, a humbler, simpler War Machine can be found “crucifying” his pornstar girlfriend (his words, not ours) on Twitter when he’s not giving Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu lessons to children whose parents have clearly never visited BeenVerified.com. It’s the American dream, really, and we wish these two kids the best of luck.

-J. Jones

Read More DIGG THIS

And Now He’s Retired: Seth Petruzelli Hangs Up the Gloves After Vicious KO Loss to King Mo at Bellator 96


(“You’re lucky enough to be different, never change.” – Taylor Swift.)

We can’t remember the last time a card produced such brutal outcomes that it resulted in two longtime veterans of the sport calling it quits, but such appears to be the case with Bellator 96. After Babalu Sobral announced his retirement from the sport following a third round TKO loss to Jacob Noe on Wednesday, fellow UFC veteran and one-half of MMA’s Ambiguously Gay Duo, Seth Petruzelli, has decided to hang up the gloves as well. He took to his Facebook page to make the announcement:

I want to thank my family, friends, fiancée and fans for being by my side these past 13 years plus of my MMA career. Every time I fought it was to please and excite you but most of all make you proud of me. Up until a couple years ago it pleased and excited me as well. That is where I went wrong, for the past couple years I have been fighting for the wrong reasons, I don’t have the desire or drive to fight like I used to and the past couple fights have shown it. So at this point in my life I would like to officially announce my retirement from the sport of MMA. Competing has been a part of my life since I was 6 years old, now I would like to put more of an effort into seeing my students/fighters do the same and making my gym grow and flourish. MMA has taken me around the world, let me meet the best and worst of people and made me feel like the brightest star but also like a black hole at times … and I have no regrets because I did it all my way. 

Petruzelli retires with an overall record of 14-8 and one of the greatest upset victories of all time. Farewell, good soldier. We won’t ask, you won’t tell.

After the jump: We take a look back at “The Silverback’s” aforementioned upset of Kimbo Slice (ROCKY! ROCKY IS HERE!) as well as another personal favorite of ours.

Read More DIGG THIS

Bellator 96 Recap: King Mo and War Machine Score First-Round Wins, Babalu Sobral Announces Retirement Following Loss


(Like I said, betting money on Petruzelli would be a *terrible* idea. / Photo via Facebook.com/BellatorMMA)

Bellator’s 2013 Summer Series kicked off last night in Thackerville, Oklahoma — population: 404 — with the semifinals of the promotion’s latest light-heavyweight and heavyweight tournaments. The televised card was an overall success, featuring fast action, brutal stoppages, and much-needed wins for a pair of marquee names. But it didn’t go well for everybody. Here are the important points…

War Machine Is Back in General Population
In a non-tournament bout that opened the broadcast, charmingly outspoken welterweight War Machine returned to competition for the first time since his latest stint in jail, facing journeyman Blas Avena. Machine appeared to be in fine form, putting Avena on his back in the second half of the opening round, trapping his arm, and slugging Avena with left hands until the match was stopped at the 3:55 mark. Random thought: War really needs to be a coach on season 2 of Fight Master. You want drama? There’s your drama.

Heavyweights Gonna Heavyweight
Both of the heavyweight tournament semi-finals resulted in gnarly first-round knockouts. During the prelims, Ryan Martinez — who came in as a short-notice replacement for the injured Vinicius Queiroz — slugged out Richard Hale with punches from the top. And on the main card, undefeated Russian prospect Vitaly Minakov needed just 32 seconds to beat the crap out of Ron Sparks. Minakov is now 11-0, with six of those wins coming in the first minute of the fight. He and Martinez will now face each other at Bellator 97, July 31st in Albuquerque.

Farewell, Sweet Babalu

Read More DIGG THIS

Absurd Betting Line of the Day: King Mo is a 15-1 Favorite Against Seth Petruzelli, Who Will Probably Beat Him


(Be honest: How many of you were even aware that this fight was happening? / Image via Facebook.com/King.Mo.FH)

Props to @MMAdamMartin for giving us the heads up that Muhammad “King Mo” Lawal is currently as high as a -1545 betting favorite in his scheduled match against Seth Petruzelli this Wednesday at Bellator 96. Keep in mind that Lawal was a 10-1 favorite in his last match against Emanuel Newton, which ended with Mo getting knocked out with a spinning backfist in the first round.

Let that sink in for a moment. Still with us? Good. So, after losing that match, Lawal has somehow become an even more immense favorite against a guy who is BEST KNOWN FOR A DRAMATIC UPSET, FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

At this point, you can get Seth Petruzelli for +725 at SportBet and 5Dimes, meaning that a $100 bet on the Silverback would return $725 in profit if he wins. Meanwhile, a $1,545 wager on Lawal would return $100 in profit if he wins, which has to be the dumbest investment in the history of world currency.

If you want to bet on Petruzelli, do it now before the oddsmakers sober up.

Read More DIGG THIS

Ranking the 10 11 Most Insane Tweets From War Machine’s Latest Hate-Fueled Twitter Tirade


(Blatantly contradicting yourself in less than 150 characters? Dear lord, how we’ve missed this man.) 

It seems like it’s been an eternity since we’ve checked in with our buddy War Machine, peddler of all things conspiracy and sexer of all things bologna. After a nasty ACL tear and a couple rough stints in the clink, the mixed martial artist formerly known as Prison Mike John Koppenhaver is finally set to make his Bellator debut on June 19th at Bellator 96. Perhaps to boost some awareness of his return, or perhaps because he is crazier than a shithouse rat, Machine has once again taken aim at one of his enemies using the power of the Internet. No, not President Obama, we’re talking about tightwad MMA sponsors, obviously.

In any case, Machine has been tweeting up a storm as of late, and his tweets contain the usual mix of hilarious ignorance and self sabotage that we have come to expect from the porn world’s most notorious bad boy. We’ve compiled our top 10 favorites (via @WarMachine170) for your viewing pleasure below. Welcome back, old friend.

10. A WAR MMA Main Event in the Making

Read More DIGG THIS

Michael Chandler vs. Dave Jansen Lightweight Title Fight Officially Booked for Bellator 96 in June


(“Don’t worry, Mo, we’re pretty sure your belt just got lost in the mail.”)

On the heels of his first successful title defense over Rick Hawn at Bellator 85, Bellator lightweight champion Michael Chandler has officially been booked to take on his next challenger at Bellator 96, which goes down from the WinStar World Casino in Thackerville, Oklahoma on June 19th.

Chandler will face grappling savant Dave “The Fugitive” Jansen, a 19-2 (6-0 Bellator) product out of Oregon who earned his shot at Chandler with a unanimous decision victory over Marcin Held at Bellator 93 in March.

Undefeated in his mixed martial arts career, Chandler has won eight straight fights under the Bellator banner, including victories over Akihiro Gono, Patricky Freire, and a 4th round submission over Eddie Alvarez in an absolute war back in November of 2011 that secured him the title.

Also set for the June 19th card will be a clash between former Strikeforce light heavyweight champion Muhammed “King Mo” Lawal and UFC/EliteXC veteran Seth Petruzelli that will in no way draw comparisons to Petruzelli’s infamous knockout of Kimbo Slice, we assure you (ROCKY! ROCKY IS HERE!! THE MOST INCREDIBLE…VICTORY…IN THE HISTORY OF MIXED MARTIAL ARTS!).

And barring any arrests, War Machine will be there too. Should be fun.

-J. Jones

Read More DIGG THIS

War Machine to Make Bellator Debut on June 19th, Unless Something Crazy Happens


(They can put you behind bars. They can fire you for being an idiot. But damn it, they’ll never take your sense of joy.)

On June 19th, War Machine (formerly known as Jon Koppenhaver) will finally make his Bellator debut, when he faces WEC veteran Blas Avena at Bellator 96. The fight will come four-and-a-half years after the short-fused welterweight was first signed by Bellator back in early 2009. Let’s just say their schedules haven’t matched up since then.

First, Machine was fired by Bellator for suggesting that President Obama — and every president after him — should be assassinated. Then, he embarked on a brief but rewarding career in porn which ended in a punch-up at a birthday party. Then, he spent a year in jail for one of his various assault charges. Then he had to go back to jail for one of his various assault charges, which led to the cancellation of a scheduled fight against Karl Amoussou. Then, he had to pull out of his next scheduled fight against Paul Daley due to a partially torn ACL, which pretty much takes us to the present day.

Now that War Machine is all healed up, he’ll allegedly be making his Bellator debut on the promotion’s 2013 Summer Series premiere on Spike TV, assuming he doesn’t beat up another civilian, or sustain another training injury, or get cut again for simply expressing his honest thoughts. Machine hasn’t competed since his TKO win over Roger Huerta in November 2011, while Avena recently snapped a two-year winless streak by TKO’ing Lenny Lovato at Bellator 91 in February.

Can War Machine rebuild his career in the #2 MMA promotion? And what the hell kind of name is “Blas,” anyway?

Read More DIGG THIS
CagePotatoMMA