(This is the last known photo taken of Jay Hieron before he was forced to cut off that thumb to fulfill contractual obligations.) 

You gotta feel sorry for Jay Hieron. After a successful run through Bellator’s season 4 welterweight tournament, he was given the chance to knock reigning champion and narcolepsy catalyst Ben Askren from his perennial throne at Bellator 56. The fight was close to say the least, but it was the general consensus that Hieron had done enough (ie. stop Askren’s takedowns) to earn the title. The judges, however, saw things differently, awarding Askren the victory despite his usual lack of anything resembling offense. Sometimes these things happen in MMA. And just like that, Hieron’s title hopes, and a ten fight win streak dating back to 2007, were destroyed.

Cut to a year later. Hieron has requested time and time again for a rematch with Askren, only to be repeatedly denied by the Bellator brass, who informed him that if he is so desperate to get “Funky,” he should sign up for the next tournament and try his luck. Hieron wasn’t having it, and asked to be released from his contract.

And although Bellator are likely dealing with some separation issues at the moment, they kindly obliged “The Thoroughbred”…on the grounds that he would return a significant amount of money first.

Hear Hieron’s side of the story after the jump. 

DISCLAIMER: This feature is purely a satirical piece- you know, like the title explicitly states. Any references to real people and events are purely for comedic effect. Nothing you are about to read is actual news, and no quotes used in this article are authentic quotes. In short, don’t take anything you are about to read as a real news story.

Pictured: How drug abusing MMA fighters would look if they had some dignity.

The general public has been outraged over Chael Sonnen’s recent comments defending Alistair Overeem, and do not seem to be willing to forgive and forget any time soon. Sonnen defended Overeem on the basis that Overeem simply had an elevated testosterone-to-epitestosterone ratio, and did not test positive for an illegal substance. However, many still believe that Overeem’s elevated T:E ratio was caused by testosterone usage. If true (and it certainly looks true), it gives him an unfair advantage at his job, and therefore is completely unacceptable.

“This is an outrage!” cried Sean Franchetti, a journalist for the popular MMA news outlet Cage Crapato, while snorting his third Adderall of the week. “SorryaboutthatIhave…I have four feature articles due by tomorrow morning, and there’s no way I can do all that without snorting a few lines first.”

(Always the craftiest of the Cabbage Patch Kids, “Funky” would wait until nap time to pounce upon his enemies.) 

Although Ben Askren may be the king of Bellator’s welterweight division for the time being, he certainly isn’t earning any new fans inside or outside of the cage, and in fact is likely losing them in droves. On the heels of yet another tepid, albeit title-retaining performance against Douglas Lima at Bellator 64, Askren returned to his day job as the most successful Serta mattress salesman in the world and decided to start shit-stirring with UFC President Dana White.

It started when DW stated at the UFC on FUEL post-fight press conference that it would be “impossible” to administer random drug tests to the over three hundred members of the UFC’s current roster. The general public’s initial response to the notion was that of skepticism. While it would be incredibly difficult to perform random drug tests on fighters based all over the planet, it would not be impossible, and would help avoid situations like the Alistair Overeem/UFC 146 calamity that the UFC currently finds themselves facing.

Apparently not impressed with White’s view on the matter, Askren took to Twitter and let his feelings be known:

@Benaskren
The USOC random tests Olympic athletes in all sports. Dana saying testing his fighters would be impossible is a bold faced lie.

Who knew that the most significant blow Askren ever threw would be to that of his own career?

An artist’s rendering of what Askren’s ground and pound might look like (Photo: Sherdog.com)

I’m not going to say that this was the most boring Bellator card in recent memory, but I will tell you that my DVR got tired of recording it and gave up before the Welterweight title fight had even begun. One of the risks of live televised fights is that they’ll go over the allotted time frame, particularly during a decision-laden event like Bellator 64. For those fans who don’t appreciate the nuances of champion Ben Askren’s suffocating ground game, having the evening’s finale blotted from your television may have been a blessing in disguise.

This season’s Bantamweight tournament kicked off with a quarterfinal pairing of undefeated twenty year old Rodrigo Lima and the seasoned Hiroshi Nakamura. Lima found himself on his back throughout the fight, but took no rest on the canvas as he tirelessly worked for every submission in the book. Nakamura—whose 87% win-by-decision record could compete with any of the UFC’s top grinders—kept all four limbs out of serious danger and stifled Lima’s ground game long enough to launch some ground and pound in the third frame. His takedowns and top control, coupled with a point awarded for absorbing a pair of unintentional knees to the nuts, were enough to bring home the unanimous 29-27 decision.

(Somehow, we don’t think Ben will be smiling after this fight.)

Bellator Fighting Championships announced today that the previously unannounced April 6 event we broke the news about last week will feature a main event scrap between Bellator welterweight champion Ben Askren and season 5 tournament winner Douglas Lima.

As we mentioned, the event, officially named as Bellator 64, will take place at Caesar’s Windsor.

Askren vs. Hieron, part one. All videos in this post via IronForgesIron.com

Bellator returned to action last night in Kansas City with action from the heavyweight tournament and a welterweight title fight between current champion Ben Askren and Season Four tournament winner Jay Hieron. Earlier this week, Ben Askren promised to “maul Jay Hieron”, as our more astute readers may remember. Well, that didn’t exactly happen. We’ll discuss that more in a minute.

The night kicked off with heavyweight tournament semifinals action. To say these fights delivered quick, exciting finishes puts it mildly- It’ll take some of you longer to read this sentence than it’ll take you to actually watch the fights. In the first matchup, Eric Prindle countered a leg kick from Ron Sparks with a brutal straight right forty seconds into their fight. Not to be outdone, Thiago Santos quickly dropped Bellator Season Three heavyweight tournament finalist Neil Grove and sunk in a rear naked choke. The total amount of time it took Santos to do this? Thirty eight seconds. Don’t blink when Eric Prindle meets Thiago Santos at Bellator 59.

(Damn, Stitch, aren’t you supposed to stay neutral? Props: Me, five minutes ago.)

This week’s featured stories…

- Akira Corassani: Behind The Screen (Exclusive Interview) (LowKick)
“When you end up in a heel hook, you know that you have two options: it’s tap or your knee will snap, or your MCL, ACL will be out and maybe your career will be on ice…But, this grip was not in. It wasn’t a good heel-hook. You can see the technique also, his legs were all on the wrong side of my body. So, he was holding my ankle and he was going 100% to yank it and I was like, ‘Holy S—!’ So, I raised my hand, I was going to tap. Then, I don’t feel it. I don’t feel it, so why am I going to tap? If you see the other camera angles I posted on my website, you see clearly that I raised my hand and then I take his leg and shove it to the side to escape. Then he slips, my heel pops out and I’m out. That’s it…I didn’t tap, I continued fighting and I won the fight.”

- Funky Town: Bellator Welterweight Champion Ben Askren Says He’ll ‘Maul Jay Hieron’ (MMA Mania)
“Yeah he was a national champion in junior college but Jay [Hieron] is significantly overrating his wrestling ability. What you have to realize is that people who win national junior college tournaments, I pin them in 30 seconds. That’s no big deal. I mean, even at the highest, highest level at the NCAA tournament my senior year, in five matches I probably got 40 takedowns and that’s against the best of the best of the best guys in the United States in wrestling and Jay was never on that level”

- ‘Raw Combat’ Author Jim Genia Discusses the NY Underground MMA Scene (The Fight Nerd)
“New York doesn’t allow MMA right now, so fighters have to go to New Jersey to fight where it’s sanctioned or they have to go underground in New York city…but the book isn’t just about the underground fight scene in New York, it’s also about the development of sanctioned MMA in the east coast…In New Jersey, there was a show called BAMA Fight Night run by Big Dan Miragliotta. His show was the only show for the longest time, there weren’t sanctioned events in the North East, so Big Dan would hold these shows and people like Matt Serra, Nick Serra, Phil Baroni, they had their first fights at these events.”

VidProps: WorldMartialArts/YouTube

Duke Roufus knows a thing or two about kicking. Also about punching. Oh, and knees and elbows, too.

Hmmm. Let’s start over…

Duke Roufus knows a thing or two about striking, and since his retirement from kickboxing competition, he’s passed along his knowledge to fighters from the Roufusport Martial Arts Academy in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Pat Barry, Danny Downes, Matt Mitrione, Anthony Pettis (and his little bro Sergio), Alan Belcher, Ben Askren, and Eric Koch (and more) have all spent time with Duke sharpening their stand up skills, and Roufus has been credited with pushing innovation in MMA striking. Belcher’s cage-spring superman punch and Pettis’ Showtime Kick were both attributed to training with Roufus, because they apparently practice that kind of crazy stuff over there.

But we must remember the words of Mr Miyagi: “first learn stand, then learn fly.”

Watch this video of Roufus breaking down technique for Thai-style low kicks. Watch it twice, then go find a bamboo tree. Kick that bamboo tree until it falls. You’re now halfway to being a Roufusninja, and don’t leave us comments about how bamboo is technically grass. That’s bullshit. No one ever became a ninja by kicking grass; that’s clearly a moronic idea. You think Tony Jaa took a level in badass by kicking over blades of grass? Absolutely not. He kicked down trees and made friends with elephants.

As far as we know, Duke Roufus does not have an elephant friends. What he does have is this video of kicking technique, and you need to quit arguing and watch it.

[RX]

(Fedor Emelianenko, immediately after his loss to Dan Henderson on Saturday night. Photo via Darren Shuster, PR Representative for Dragon Door/RKC)

Some selected highlights from our friends around the MMA blogosphere. E-mail feedback@cagepotato.com for details on how your site can join the MMA Link Club…

- Dan Henderson Gets Caught on National Television Spanking Dat Ass at a Cardinals Game (MMA Mania)

- Herb Dean Defends Controversial Stoppage in Fedor Emelianenko vs. Dan Henderson Fight (5thRound)

- After Release from Prison, War Machine Looking for Fresh Start (MMA Fighting)

- Leonard Garcia out of UFC Live 5 With Injury; Jim Hettes to Replace Against Alex Caceres (Five Ounces of Pain)

- UFC’s Rich Franklin Discusses Career, Life and Fans Asking for His Underwear (BleacherReport.com/MMA)

- Photo Gallery: Vitor Belfort Prepares for UFC 133 Bout With Yoshihiro Akiyama (LowKick)

- Video: 20 of the Most ‘WTF?’ Moments in UFC History (MiddleEasy)

- A Conquistador Story: Looking Back on Jorge Rivera vs. Travis Lutter (MMA Convert)

- Dan Henderson’s Win Over Fedor Builds Momentum for TRT Usage/Acceptance (FightOpinion)

- Ben Askren on Season Five of Bellator, Nate Marquardt and Fight With Hector Lombard (TheFightNerd)

- Following Burger King Deal, Anderson Silva Inks Sponsorships With Nike and Brazilian Soccer Club (MMAPayout)

- What’s Next for ‘Fedor vs. Henderson’ Winners and Losers? (NBC Sports MMA)

(Inside Your Soul: It’s where Hioki is looking and the name of his t-shirt company.)

Hatsu Hioki was born 28 years ago in Nagoya, Aichi, Japan.

Why he matters:
Hioki (24-4-2) is one of Japan’s most decorated fighters, having won titles under the Shooto, Sengoku and TKO Championship Fighting banners. The recent UFC signee has beaten a glut of the world’s top 25 featherweights including Mark Hominick, Marlon Sandro, Ronnie Mann, Takeshi “Lion” Inoue and Masanori Kanehara and now he will finally get the opportunity to test his skills against more of the world’s best in the Octagon.

By Jason Moles

“We the people of CagePotato.com, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Bans, insure comments section Tranquility, provide for the common noob, promote the general Lack of Welfare, and attempt to secure the Blessings of Dana to ourselves and our readers, do ordain and establish this Comparison of fighters and fireworks for the Potato Nation.”

There are plenty of MMA fighters out there who love to bring the pyrotechnics to the cage, lighting up their opponents for the enjoyment of the fans and the pleasure of a paycheck. In honor of Independence Day weekend — and our new friends at Wild Turkey — here’s a list of actual 4th of July fireworks that remind us of some well-known scrappers. Celebrate safely, and please try not to lose any fingers.

Snap-n-Pops (aka bang snaps, snappers, or whip’n pops): Corey Hill, Jason MacDonald, Razak Al-Hassan, Tim Sylvia

Call ‘em what you want, these small novelty fireworks are perfect for youngsters. You throw them against a wall, floor, or sleeping grandparent, and they make a satisfying POP! Cool, huh? It’s hard not to think of a ‘Snap-n-Pop’ and not think of these guys, whose limbs unfortunately made the same noises in their past fights.

Roman Candles: Clay Guida

Excitement. Power. Flash. Seemingly unending performance. Fun. Clay ‘The Carpenter’ Guida is more than your average firework. Hey may not blow up any doors but rest assured he’s always going to be a crowd favorite. No one has ever had a Roman Candle war or watched a Guida fight and not had the time of their life. For every colorful ball that is emitted from the candle, Guida whips his hair back and shoots in for a takedown. Regardless of what happens, they both just keep going until the final bell. When messing around with either, be careful; someone usually ends up a bloody mess.

“Doc comes back and says, ‘Nate, you have the testosterone levels of a 35 year old man,’ and I just broke down. ‘Doc,’ I told him, ‘I’m only 32! Is there anything you can do to help me?’”

You have to hand it to the team at MMAFighting for nailing down the exclusive with Nate Marquardt yesterday. Everybody wanted to talk to him, but it was Ariel Helwani who welcomed Marquardt and manager Lex McMahon to the microphone for a heart to heart. Mike Chiappetta provided the Cliff’s Notes version of the interview to get the ball rolling on Twitter, and the discussion quickly took off.

The short interview was dissected and commented upon in real time on Twitter, and the reactions continued throughout the evening. What follows is only a *small* sampling of Twitter’s response to Nate’s release and the subject of Hormone Replacement in MMA. Keep in mind that Marquardt already has a Twitter dedicated to getting him back in the UFC, and a matching hashtag #BringNateBack that saw plenty of use yesterday as well.

It was also interesting to note that a lot of Zuffa fighters were unwilling to touch the subject. Usual Tweeting suspects were strangely silent on the hot topic; take from that what you will. On the other hand, there were a few fighters who had some choice words on the subject, and they did not beat around the bush.

Go ahead and wade through this collection of Tweets from yesterday, and then share your expert analysis and vital opinion in the comments. Is Nate a good guy that has made some bad choices? Is he a nefarious schemer looking to get any advantage he can? What about the larger issue of HRT/TRT/PEDs in MMA? Should Dana continue to clean house until fighters learn to stay away from anything questionable? Should athletic commissions just legalize everything from horse steroids to heroin?

After all, PRIDE was awesome, right?

[RX]

(Since this sculpture seemed to be a major talking point…)

Minoru Suzuki was born 43 years ago.

Why he matters: One of the co-founders of Pancrase — the pre-cursor to the UFC — Suzuki was of the best Japanese submission specialists of his era. He holds wins over Ken Shamrock, Vernon White, Matt Hume and Guy Mezger and Maurice Smith. A former Olympic alternate freestyle wrestler for Japan and former Japanese freestyle wrestling national champion, Suzuki retired from MMA competition in 2002 with a record of 27-20 to focus on professional wrestling, in which he is still active today.

(Video courtesy of YouTube/MrDartzero)

Many MMA luminaries from Bas Rutten and Ken Shamrock to Josh Barnett count Suzuki as one of THE best catch wrestlers the sport has ever known.

(Video courtesy of YouTube/scientificwrestling)

(Guy on the Right just got some competition. Props: Facebook.com/BigfootSilva)

Some selected highlights from our friends around the MMA blogosphere. E-mail feedback@cagepotato.com for details on how your site can join the MMA Link Club…

- Gus Johnson Signs With Fox but Stays With Showtime for MMA and Boxing (MMA Fighting)

- Maiquel Falcao Cut From UFC for ‘Legal Problems’ (5thRound)

- Dana White Stresses Personal Finance Management At 2011 Fighter Summit (MMA Convert)

- Jonathan Brookins out, Danny Downes in Against Jeremy Stephens at TUF 13 Finale (Five Ounces of Pain)

- Anthony Johnson Responds to Ben Askren Calling him a ‘Coward’ (MiddleEasy)

- Director Kahleem Poole-Tejada Talks About ‘New York MMA’ documentary (TheFightNerd)

- Exclusive Interview: Ninja Rua Expects a War Against Tom Watson at BAMMA 6 (LowKick)

- Management Break-Up Splits Jon Jones, Rashad Evans (NBC Sports MMA)

- Anderson Silva and the 10 Best Southpaws in MMA (BleacherReport.com/MMA)

By Jason Moles

CagePotato recently spoke with the former five-time Super Heavyweight kickboxing champion and current head coach/trainer at Roufusport in Milwaukee. We discussed his beginnings in combat sports, his take on UFC superfights, the upcoming Anthony Pettis vs. Clay Guida matchup, and what he really thinks about Dana White asking teammates to fight each other. Check it out after the jump.

CAGEPOTATO.COM: First and foremost, I’d like to thank you for taking the time to talk with us at CagePotato. For those who may not be aware, can you tell us how you got started in martial arts?

Duke Roufus: I started when I was four years old at my dad’s martial arts school. I started doing tournaments when I was six. Then we evolved into kickboxing and muay thai. Basically, I’ve been involved in every gamut of combat sports, and I guess the rest is just history. I worked my first UFC corner at UFC 26 and since 2005 I’ve been actively cornering guys; Ben Rothwell and Stephan Bonner were some of my original guys.

Speaking of big names, how do you manage all of the egos at Roufusport?

There are no egos, that’s the key. Sure, we’ve got a lot of really decorated guys here; Ben Askren’s joined us, but everyone checks their egos at the door. It’s just a bunch of guys doing work who want to get better.

You mentioned Ben Askren, Bellator’s Welterweight champion. Has he rubbed anyone the wrong way yet?

We considered using a picture of Josh Burns and Eric Prindle, but went with this. You are welcome.

Wow, people. If you didn’t see some crazy good fights last night, we’re sorry you don’t have Showtime. MTV2 and Bellator were in Oklahoma last night, and some fights totally happened, you guys. (It’s still ok to use “you guys” in the body of the article, right Ariel?) Semifinal bouts at 170 and 155 were on the menu for the evening, as well as a Ben Askren Superfight and an extra-large boxing matchup for shits and giggles. There were amazing displays of heart, awful tattoos, and unorthodox wrestling, if you dig that kind of thing; if you are burnt out after MFC, FCF, and that cute little Strikeforce organization, come on in and we’ll give you the low down of who did what to whom. Also, we’ll share what freaking BLEW OUR MINDS last night.

(Funky Ben goes for the funky finish against Ryan Thomas at Bellator 14. Props: Fight! Magazine)

By Anton Gurevich

Bellator Welterweight Champion Ben “Funky” Askren will step inside the Bellator cage this Saturday, fighting MMA veteran Nick Thompson in the main event of the night. Askren won the Bellator Season Three Welterweight Tournament last year, defeating Dan Hornbuckle in the finals, then captured the Bellator Welterweight title from the hands of Lyman Good at Bellator 33.

“Funky” is 7-0 in his Mixed Martial Arts career, and is considered one of the most decorated wrestlers in the sport today. Askren was a two-time NCAA Division I Champion for the University of Missouri and a 74kg Freestyle Wrestling participant at the 2008 Beijing Olympics.

Here’s what Ben Askren had to say about his fight against Nick Thompson, the future of his career, and Jake Shields’s chances against Georges St. Pierre at UFC 129. Bellator 40 will take place this Saturday, April 9th, at the First Council Casino in Newkirk, Oklahoma. The event will be aired LIVE on MTV2 at 9p/8c.

Your opponent, Nick Thompson, is a well-rounded fighter with a lot of submissions and KO victories on his record. What was the most important aspect of your preparations for this fight?
ASKREN: I just concentrated on getting myself better as a fighter. At this point in time, I know I have a lot of areas where I can improve, and I’m just working hard on closing some holes in my game. If I do that, give my best in training, the rest of the things will just take care of themselves during the fight. I’m fully prepared and ready to go. It’s just about going there and beating somebody up.

Continue reading on Lowkick.com/MMA

Every year, a handful of MMA fighters ascend from obscurity to contendership, from prospect status to championship gold — from nothing to something. In honor of The Warrior’s Way, which hits theaters next Friday, we’d like to salute MMA’s breakout class of 2010, whose careers exploded this year, and who are all poised for even larger accomplishments in 2011.

PHIL DAVIS

Notable 2010 victories: Brian Stann (unanimous decision, UFC 109), Alexander Gustafsson (submission R1, UFC 112), Tim Boetsch (submission R2, UFC 123)
Between his pink shorts, action-figure physique, and aggressive grappling, Mr. Wonderful has become an unmistakable figure in the UFC’s light-heavyweight division. A year ago, he was a relatively unknown 4-0 prospect trying to re-invent himself as a cage-fighter after a brilliant collegiate wrestling career at Penn State, which culminated in a 2008 NCAA title. Davis made his Octagon debut this February, and has since sent four straight opponents back to the drawing board, beginning with former WEC champ Brian Stann, and ending with a Submission of the Night performance against Tim Boetsch. Having proven himself against gritty veterans and promising rookies, we’re about to find out if Davis can keep his dominant run going against the next level of UFC contenders.

COURT McGEE

Notable 2010 victories: Kris McCray (submission R2, TUF 11 Finale), Ryan Jensen (submission R3, UFC 121)
Court McGee’s life is an object lesson in never, ever giving up, no matter how dire the circumstances. A former drug-addict who was declared clinically dead after an overdose in 2005, McGee got clean and devoted his life to MMA. His stint on The Ultimate Fighter 11 this year was almost cut short after he lost a bum decision to Nick Ring, but McGee re-entered the competition as an injury replacement, and went on to choke out James Hammortree, Brad Tavares, and Kris McCray to earn the season’s middleweight trophy. In his first post-TUF test at UFC 121, he survived getting bombed out on by Ryan Jensen in the first round, and turned the momentum around when Jensen began to fade in round two. In the end, Jensen was tapping like the rest of them, and Court McGee had secured his reputation as one of toughest (and most likable) bastards TUF has ever produced.

("CBS? They suck. I’m not sure I want to work with them anymore.")

During today’s Strikeforce: Henderson vs. Babalu conference call, the promotion’s CEO Scott Coker touched on some pressing questions, but was noticeably mum on others.

"You’re going to see big things," Coker teased when speaking of the California-based promotion’s plans for next year, but he didn’t say whether or not a return to CBS is in Strikeforce’s stacked deck of cards. In an interview he did earlier this month with Sherdog, Coker said that a reputable TV deal would have to be in place for him to entertain a co-promotion deal with the promotions, which could be a telling sign that CBS has taken his number off of speed dial.

He did mentione Showtime when discussing the ongoing, yet unfruitful negotiations with Fedor Emelianenko’s M-1 Global management team, but didn’t give a clue about the status of Strikeforce’s relationship with CBS, which many assume is dead in the water thanks to the Team Cesar Gracie-Jason Miller brawl that took place during their last telecast in April.

"It’s been quite a long road here with the M-1 camp trying to get this done. I agree with [M-1 director of operations] Evgeni [Kogan] that there’s some light at the end of the tunnel," Coker explained. "We would welcome Fedor to have a long term deal with Strikeforce fighting on Showtime and we’re trying to get this done. It’s not done yet, there’s nothing signed. So really there’s nothing to announce."

By CagePotato contributor Dan “siksik6” Teague

#8: Gray Maynard

When fans and fighters complain about wrestlers in MMA, they’re talking about Gray Maynard. He takes fighters down because that’s what he’s good at. In Maynard’s nine-fight UFC career, he has just one stoppage, a KO of Joe Veres over three years ago. He’s earned his title shot not because of his performances, but rather because what the hell else do you do with a guy who’s undefeated and has won eight straight fights, including one over the current champ? Cole Miller said it best: Taking people down should be a means to an end. Gray needs to start having some refs pull him off of people if he’s ever going to have any drawing power.

#7: Ben Askren

Ben Askren is just starting to make his way into mainstream MMA discussions. However, it’s not exactly a heralded arrival. The kid makes picking strawberries look like it belongs in the X Games. His last “stoppage” was a controversial sub over Ryan Thomas, who promptly and correctly displayed his best WTFIYP face. Before that it was a north-south choke over some guy you’ve never heard of in some organization you’ve never heard of back in August of ’09. For his last fight, in which he won the Bellator welterweight strap, he came about as close to finishing Lyman Good as I did. I was on the couch eating Mayfield Butter Pecan ice cream. It was delicious. As a title holder for an up-and-coming organization, Askren needs to show more of a killer instinct if he ever wants his fights to be broadcast by anyone other than Fox Sports South.

(Skip to 1:19 for the money shot.)

By ReX “Keep Fear Alive” Richardson

Let’s say that you were in Philadelphia last night, perhaps wandering around looking for the Philadelphia Doll Museum. Maybe you heard that Pagano’s had better cheesesteak than any of those South Philly stands, or you wanted to check out the (allegedly) wild party scene at Temple University. Well, while you were standing there shoving a pound of cheap steak, fried onions, and Cheez Whiz in your face, you might have heard a dull roaring noise coming from the Liacouras Center. That was the sound of Bellator XXXIII. Maybe you forgot with all the excitement around UFC 121 this weekend, but Bellator’s third entertaining season is ending, and they are going out shooting, son.

Erstwhile welterweight champ Lyman Good returned after a sixteen month injury layoff to defend the strap against Ben Askren, rising star Rick Hawn made his debut, and local boy Eddie Alvarez took on a legitimate super fight against Roger “The White Knight” Huerta. If you just facepalmed because you forgot to set your DVR, relax; I got this. Follow me in after the jump, and I’ll recap the televised fights and possibly crack some jokes. Keep in mind that I make no guarantees of quality, but if you don’t read on, you’ll probably hate yourself when the cool kids in the cafeteria start talking about it. Keep it in mind.

(Video courtesy FlowWrestling)

- Aldo to test UFC LW waters soon according to Dana White (mmajunkie)

- Bustamante’s pro boxing debut (thegarv)

- The impossible puzzle (break)

- Magnetic lingerie (mademan)

- Need a better seat at a sporting event? Buy a wheelchair (tuvez)

- 25 clowns you wouldn’t hire (holytaco)

- Bisping could face Marquardt or Okami if he beats Akiyama (fightersonly)

 - Overeem may take five months off after the K-1 GP (fightlinker)

- Trademarked phrases that shouldn’t be (modernman)

- Jackass guys talk favorite stunts (screenjunkies)

- Miesha Tate doesn’t like Tara Larosa (middleeasy)

- UFC 120 weigh-in recap (mmafighting)

- DV hotties in the wild (doubleviking)

- MMA is big now, but it continues to grow (scoresreport)

- Ultimate Fighter infographic (totalprosports)

- Akiyama pre-fight UFC 120 interview (versus)

- Lots can go wrong shooting a sex tape (nothingtoxic)

- Hardy may want Penn, Hughes or Lytle after Condit (bleacherreport)

- Dos Santos breaks down Lesnar-Velasquez (tatame)

(The Jose Vega vs. Jarrod Card knockout. Props: YouTube.com/BellatorMMA)

By DL “Low Blow” Richardson

Bellator XXII returned to the Kansas City Power and Light District last night, in the penultimate show of the second season. The welterweight tournament finals were the main event, but “Boring” “Funky” Ben Askren was part of that matchup, so those nice folks at Bellator tried to put on a good ol’ fashioned, bread and circuses, action packed kind of card. Most of the fighters had an invite to one of next season’s tournaments — conditional upon their performance in KC, MO. What we got was one KTFO, one technical submission, one tap to strikes like a pussy, and…wait, wait, wait, let me start from the beginning. After the jump, allow me to thrill you with my account of the action. And maybe apologize for my can’t miss predictions…

(Cartoonishly large chin or dreamcatcher tattoo — WHO YA GOT?)

That strange mini-event at the Nokia Theatre was just the beginning of this wild week of MMA. Set your DVRs, folks, because Bellator returns to the Kansas City Power & Light District tonight for the finals of their season 2 welterweight tournament (FOX Sports Net, 8 p.m. CST). Fighting for a shot at 170-pound champ Lyman Good are Dan Hornbuckle — who scored first-round submissions over Tyler Stinson and Steve Carl to reach the finals — and Ben Askren, who had to defeat Ryan Thomas twice due to a bizarre series of events. Elsewhere on the card…

– Stephanie Frausto (2-1), the sister of Strikeforce vet Zoila Frausto, makes her Bellator debut against Lisa Ward (12-5) in a 115-pound clash. Frausto has only been fighting professionally since January. Video of her pro debut (against a girl who kind of looks like Nate Diaz) is after the jump.

– Cole Konrad (3-0), the Brock Lesnar training partner who impressed nobody with his physique and cardio at Bellator 17, returns against John Orr (5-4). For some reason, Konrad is as high as a -1500 favorite against Orr. Do the oddsmakers know something we don’t? If you check out some of Orr’s fights, you’ll see that he’s definitely raw, but not completely inept.

(The ending of Hornbuckle vs. Carl. Props: YouTube.com/BellatorMMA)

By DL “Bellat-Whore” Richardson

Chances are that if you watch Bellator, you’re going to see something new. Unless you’re Jordan Breen, you’re probably going to see a fighter or two you haven’t watched before. You may see something silly, like Matt Major’s sweet man-panties at Bellator XVI. Or it may be something exciting, like a 360 degree spinning guard pass and punch from Ryan Thomas at Bellator XV. This is part of the excitement of watching a Bellator event: the joy of discovery that many MMA fans just don’t get very often these days. Sure, we may be surprised by the results of fights — that’s why they have gambling on MMA — but most of us have a rough idea of what to expect when we sit down to a Pay Per View. Not so with the BFC. Bjorn Rebney has managed to catch lightening in a bottle, putting on interesting cards on a weekly basis with up-and-coming talent that deserves the exposure.

Bellator XIX went down in Grand Prairie, Texas last night, with the welterweight tournament semifinals and a featherweight SuperFight on tap. Results after the jump. Also, a concise explanation as to why they call it “the jump.”

(The choke in question goes down around 2:40.)

Ben Askren‘s technical submission win over UFC vet Ryan Thomas at Bellator XIV drew some controversy last week, as referee Dave Smith called a halt to the welterweight quarterfinal when it appeared that Thomas had been put out by a guillotine choke — then caught an earful from Thomas who didn’t seem to be unconscious after all. In the ref’s defense, when a guy is caught in a nasty choke and isn’t moving his arms and legs around, and isn’t responding to your questions, you have to assume that he might be sleeping. But regardless of what would have happened if the fight was allowed to continue, Ryan Thomas was bounced out of Bellator’s 170-pound tournament just as quickly as he arrived.

And this Thursday, he’ll get a chance to redeem himself. Bellator sent out a press release last night announcing that due to the apocalyptic ash cloud floating above Europe, welterweight GP participant "Judo" Jim Wallhead will be unable to travel from England to the Bellator XV show in Uncasville, Connecticut. Said Bjorn Rebney: 

(The gruesome end of Curran vs. Ricci. All four tournament fights from last night’s event ended in stoppages. Video courtesy of YouTube.com/BellatorMMA.)

…are waiting for you after the jump.

(Just look at how much fun Jeremy Shockey and Mickey Rourke had last week, then try and tell us you don’t want to be a part of that.)

It’s another Thursday night in April, which means everyone’s favorite tournament-based MMA promotion is back in action.  Bellator XIV is coming to us from the historic Chicago Theatre tonight, featuring a welterweight tournament bout between Olympic wrestler Ben Askren and Ryan Thomas, as well as a lightweight scrap between inverted triangle choker Toby Imada and James Krause, and a featherweight bout between Wilson Reis and Shad Lierley.  The TV portion of the card kicks off at 7 pm local time and airs live-ish, depending on where you live, on Fox Sports Net, so check your local schedule for details.

While you wait, why not check out last week’s fight between Roger Huerta and Chad Hinton after the jump.

(Jim Wallhead vs. Marius Buzinskas, 9/5/09)

Bellator’s second season is slated to kick off on April 8th, and while there are still many questions yet to be answered — will the weight classes be different this time? will last year’s champions re-enter the brackets, or will they only be used for one-off title fights? — a cluster of recent reports suggest that the 2010 welterweight tournament will be stacked with talented fight-finishers. Among the 170-pounders who have reportedly signed on are…

Dan Hornbuckle (19-2): The Indiana native captured our attention this year with memorable knockouts of Akihiro Gono and Nick Thompson in Sengoku. 18 of his 19 victories have come by stoppage. He has a black belt in intensity.

Ben Askren (3-0): He’s a rookie in the MMA scene, but Askren comes from an incredibly decorated amateur wrestling background that culminated in a spot on the 2008 U.S. Olympic team. All three of his wins came via first-round stoppage.

(Askren’s most recent fight vs. Matt Delanoit, 8/28/09. Props: Pure Fight.)

Ben Askren was a four-time All-American wrestler at the University of Missouri and an Olympic hopeful at the 2008 Summer Games in Beijing. He came home without a medal, his dreams temporarily dashed, and has since turned his focus toward MMA, racking up a 3-0 record in smaller promotions. But now the former wrestling standout has signed on to compete in Bellator’s welterweight tournament in the spring of 2010, though that doesn’t mean he’s forgetting all about his goals in the world of wrestling. Far from it, in fact. He seems to think he can someday be the best in the world at both MMA and wrestling, and nobody can talk him out of it.

CagePotato.com: You’re one of the more well known wrestlers. You were a two-time national champ at Missouri and you got a lot of press heading into the Olympics. What made you decide to sign with Bellator?

It’s the best offer I had right now. They made me a good offer and they said they’d let me keep wrestling on the side, so that played a big part in my decision.