(The #1 clown in Las Vegas poses with some guy named Charlie. Props: CharlieTheClown.net via MMA Splatter.)

“How do I feel about them trying to counter-program UFC 100? I love it. I fucking love it. I love it. I don’t like these guys and I want to see them spend more of their t-shirt money. What they should be worrying about is — they’ve already seen first hand that nobody gives a shit about Affliction MMA — what they need to start worrying about is nobody wants to wear their goofy fucking clothes anymore either. The fad is over and they better start saving as much of that t-shirt money as they can.” — DW to FiveOuncesofPain, regarding the recent reports that Affliction will hold its third (and likely final) event on July 11th, the same day as UFC 100.

"I called BJ to tell him to stop with the BS and to start fucking training." — DW on Sirius Radio yesterday (via BloodyElbow). Our thoughts exactly.

"Apparently he doesn’t know what guys who are on steroids look like, okay? They don’t fuckin’ look like me…You know what I’m on? I’m on fuckin’ pizza, chicken fingers, and cheeseburgers, okay?…Pregnant bitches don’t eat as much as fuckin’ I do right now." — DW responds to allegations made by Tiki Ghosn that he’s a steroid abuser, in a new video for Trumph United (via CageWriter).

Hey everybody, look who has a sense of humor!  Responding to renewed Lubrigate allegations, Georges St. Pierre admits that he did cheat, only not by greasing up his body.  Instead, he hired some long-hair to kiss B.J. Penn on his way down to the Octagon and sap all his strength before the fight even started.  That devious French-Canadian.

GSP also insists that his best revenge against B.J. Penn now would be to "’elp Kenny Florian to kick ‘ees ass.”  Or maybe he can just keep Penn tied up in hearings and out of the gym all the way to fight time.  Although judging from how he talks about the outcome of this week’s hearings, it seems as if GSP is under the impression that he won.  I guess that’s kind of true, in the sense that he didn’t lose.  Maybe his legal representatives are giving GSP a simplified account of what happened at the NSAC.  That’s probably for the best.  The guy doesn’t want to hear all the back and forth.  Just tell him ‘we won!’ and he’ll sleep better.

("Mommmmm, you’re embarassing me!")

Netterbog on "Jenna Jameson Gives Birth to Two Lil’ Tito’s": As #2 was turtle-heading its way out, I wonder if Tito gazed lovingly into Jenna’s eyes and said, "let me tell you how you’re feeling right now."
[Ed. note: "Babe, made you me the happiest on Earth man."]

Ted Nutmeg on "Karo Parisyan Suspended, Fined, Stripped of Last Win, and Told ‘Good Day’ by NSAC": Commissioner John Bailey’s statement that the NSAC "can’t have fighters drifting in and out of reality" should have far-reaching implications. At a minimum, I foresee lifetime bans for B.J. Penn, Tim Sylvia, Tito Ortiz, Patrick Cote’s friends, and anyone who has ever had any affiliation with the Lion’s Den at any point in his life.

FEDORISAPUSSY on "Must-See: Franky Van Hove, the One-Legged MMA Fighter": Talk about a one legged man in an ass kicking contest!
[Ed. note: For real. I bet Franky's cornermen never have to tell him to "stay busy".]

Marcer on "BJ Penn to Possibly Form Cult, Lead Unholy Army of Martial Arts Instructors": I came across a few examples of the classes that will be offered at this camp:
"PENN 101 – Maintaining narcissism in the face of adverse reality
PENN 213 – Increasing Chi by consuming blood
PENN 122 – The fundamentals of shit talking
PENN 203 – Cooking with a deep fat fryer – With a short intermission to cover cardiovascular training in its entirety"

If your name has been called, e-mail feedback@cagepotato.com with your name, address, and shirt-size, and we’ll get a CP "Hall of Fame" t-shirt out to you post-haste!

("Child-brides welcome!")

Just because you’re a martial arts master who’s been teaching a specific fighting style for years, it doesn’t mean you can’t learn a lot from BJ Penn. In fact, Penn would like to help 300 hand-picked martial arts instructors improve their minds, bodies, and spirits through a year-long training camp in Hawaii called "The Live Like a Champion Project." (The press release is after the jump, in case you don’t feel like clicking on that link.) This is troubling for a number of reasons:

1) So basically, the Prodigy is luring the world’s most skilled fighters to an extended stay at his shadowy island fortress. Yes, that’s the exact plot of Enter the Dragon.

2) It’s such a perfect expression of BJ’s hubris. Penn has gained fame as a brilliant fighter, but he’s not really known as a talented teacher. (Sorry, Rude Boy, it’s not your fault.) Yet he feels he’s qualified to tell hundreds of instructors how to do their jobs. Particularly, he aims to train the minds of these people. The irony of a blood-licking crybaby obsessive holding seminars on inner tranquility is apparently lost on him.

3) The fact that the program requires its participants to spend a full year in Hawaii will generally attract men without families, who have no problem quitting their paying job and living off the food and shelter that Penn gives them — in other words, disturbed loners who will be easily influenced by the Jim Jones-like sway of BJ. Okay fine, I’ll spell it out for you: BJ Penn is obviously trying to start his own cult. Check out his Christ-like pose in the above image. You wouldn’t drink cyanide-laced coconut milk for this man? Of course, before the mass suicides, the Penntown 300 could be sent on revenge missions against Georges St. Pierre and Keith Kizer. Far-fetched? Maybe. But don’t say you haven’t been warned.

(Props: Cage Writer)

So you want B.J. Penn to stop his courageous fight for truth, justice, and a no contest?  That probably means you’re a bad person who hates MMA.  Bummer.  Penn continues to frame this as a crusade to clean up the sport, which would be great.  But odds are the UFC is still not going to give him that "fair fight" rematch he wants.  And maybe he should be thankful for that.

(From All Elbows, via Fightlinker)

King Mo tries to entertain himself while he waits for his Sengoku bout.  I have to admit that it’s refreshing to see how much pleasure he gets out of old episodes of “Martin,” but when he starts telling the Japanese media how much he loved pro wrestling as a kid and mentions both The Ultimate Warrior and “Ravishing” Rick Rude as favorites, that’s where I get suspicious.  How can you like both guys, Mo?  Don’t you know they were mortal enemies?!  Just ask Bobby “The Brain” Heenan.  He’ll tell you.

If you’ve ever wanted to see what a Nevada State Athletic Commission hearing looks like from the inside, you might be interested in these videos (courtesy of CageWriter), which show Karo Parisyan getting reamed for his painkiller use, Phil Nurse defending his own reputation, and BJ Penn crying for justice.  In the above clip, Karo explains why he took those unapproved meds, and throws himself on the mercy of the commission. The "drifting in and out of the state of reality" line comes at 5:54, and the ruling begins at 7:48, where Commissioner John Bailey lays down the suspension and fine, and suggests that in the future, a mixed martial artist’s entire win bonus should be forfeited if he tests positive for banned substances.

Below, Nurse admits that in retrospect, his use of Vaseline during the St. Pierre/Penn fight "doesn’t look good," and gets grilled about it while BJ Penn stares him down at the other end of the table. After the jump: Penn comes out against all forms of cheating, one commission member basically calls bullshit on the idea that you can ingest something that makes you slippery, and another is just glad that GSP didn’t beat him to death. Plus, Penn’s lawyer Raffi Nahabedian calls for a full-scale investigation on Lubrigate.

(The greasing heard ’round the world. Photo courtesy of NBC Sports.)

Following repeated arguments from BJ Penn that Georges St. Pierre‘s cornermen improperly used vaseline during their UFC 94 fight in January, the Nevada State Athletic Commission will meet today in Las Vegas at 9 a.m. PT to discuss what action, if any, should be taken against Phil Nurse and Greg Jackson.

Though Penn wants the fight to be changed to a no-contest, that scenario is unlikely; as NSAC executive director Keith Kizer explained to Sherdog, an MMA bout in Nevada can only be ruled a no-contest after the fact if scorecards were added incorrectly, if a referee or judge was paid off to influence the fight, if the referee misinterpreted a rule that effected the fight’s outcome, or if there was the use of non-approved drugs or steroids. Kizer explained that the actual purpose of today’s hearing was to prevent controversial greasing situations from happening in the future:

(Dana White does the hard sell on TUF 9.  Props: Cage Writer)

– Forrest Griffin and Thiago Silva are expected to get back in action against one another at the still officially unannounced UFC 101 event in August that will feature a Randy Couture/Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira main event.  With both Griffin and Silva coming off losses this is one of those wonderful situations where somebody has to turn things around while someone else has to drop two straight and then reevaluate his life and career.  All signs point to the event taking place in Portland, OR. – also known as the town with best strip clubs in America.  Count us in.

– Since he apparently thinks he’s a boxer now, I suppose it’s only fitting that Gray Maynard inked a sponsorship deal with Everlast MMA.  Maynard’s pounded-flat mug is even going to be the focal point for an ad campaign, so I guess it pays to abandon all your wrestling training and beat guys up on the feet.  Does it pay to make a decision-machine like Maynard your poster boy?  Everlast will find out, possibly the hard way.

– Sean Sherk thinks he’s in line for the next lightweight title shot if he beats Frankie Edgar at UFC 98, and he expects that the belt will still be around B.J. Penn’s waist after he faces Kenny Florian.  Drawing on his experience fighting both men, Sherk says Penn “has pretty much every advantage” in a bout with Florian.  That might be whitewashing Penn’s conditioning issues a little too much, but what do you expect from Sherk, who just assumes everybody is out there doing caveman training every day.

(He will litigate to the death, and he is not joking about this.)

Well, he finally went and did it.  After weeks of less structured, though more entertaining gripes and accusations, UFC lightweight champ B.J. Penn and his camp have filed a formal complaint with the Nevada State Athletic Commission against welterweight champ Georges St Pierre.

The Penn camp filed a twenty-page document (so take that Jackson camp, with your puny seventeen pages) detailing the complaint and outlining the consequences they’d like to see.  And what are those consequences?  You know the usual.  They just want to see GSP, his trainers, and other as of yet unnamed parties fined $250,000, have the bout result changed to a no contest, suspend the licenses of GSP, Phil Nurse, and Greg Jackson, and force GSP to undergo pre-fight showers.  Basically just the regular old stuff.

The complaint also accuses St. Pierre of “ingesting a substance” to make his body especially slippery before the fight.  It makes us wish the formal hearing really does happen so we can hear Penn’s lawyer accuse GSP of drinking baby oil, and then hear GSP’s lawyer counter that baby oil is considered a delicacy in certain French-Canadian circles.

It’s in your hands now, NSAC.  Please do something and put an end to this epic paperwork war. 

(Unfortunately the beating wasn’t the worst thing to come out of UFC 95 for Mandaloniz.  Photo courtesy of MMA Weekly.)

According to BJPenn.com, Troy “Rude Boy” Mandaloniz has been cut from the UFC following the decision loss to Paul Kelly that left the Hawaiian’s face looking like an impressionist painting that had been left out in the rain.  While we’re not terribly surprised to see a guy who is 3-2 in his career and 1-1 in the UFC (with the lone win coming against Richie Hightower) cut from the big leagues, he seems fairly shocked.

"I thought I showed them what I was made of, but I guess not. I don’ think I see too many other fighters out there fighting with the same passion and intensity that I bring. I’m a fighter that people want to see fight and maybe one day after I prove myself again I could be back in the UFC.”

Rude Boy apparently learned he had been cut via email (sure it wasn’t a text message to someone else in the camp?), which seems kind of cold.  They couldn’t even pick up the phone and call him?  

Maybe dropping fighters from the UFC is like breaking up.  If they’ve only fought twice for you, an email is fine.  If they’ve been around a little longer, you gotta call.  And if it’s an ex-champion who’s put in years of service, you take them out to a mediocre Mexican restaurant and break the news over appetizers, then let them have just one more go-round in the bathroom for old times’ sake.

Of course, if they’ve only had one fight?  Like poor Josh Hendricks?  Then you can inform them via a post on their Facebook page.  Right before changing your status to “Accepting heavyweight applications.”

(‘Don’t even come in here with your faulty premises and negative proof fallacies, dude.  Just don’t.’)

In a response to B.J. Penn’s request for the Nevada State Athletic Commission to investigate Georges St. Pierre’s use of Vaseline in their main event bout at UFC 94, the Jackson camp has fired back with an exhaustive argument refuting any accusation of wrongdoing.  

As reported by Sherdog and the L.A. Times (which has a PDF of the full response), the Jackson camp provided seventeen pages of documents explaining what happened, why it wasn’t an intentional attempt to cheat, and why it had no bearing on Penn getting his ass handed to him.

A statement signed by Greg Jackson and Phil Nurse details the breathing technique used on St. Pierre between rounds and insists that video evidence shows only a “scant amount of Vaseline” ever found its way to GSP’s body.  It also lays out four recommendations for improving the NSAC’s policies to avoid the greasing question in the future, including wiping down fighters before every round and using a “touch test” to see if they are unnaturally greasy.  And of course they conclude by referring to Penn’s griping as “a desperate attempt to protect [Penn’s] reputation and commercial value after being totally dominated by a superior athlete.”

Oh.  Snap.

According to a new report on Sherdog, BJ Penn won’t be available for a lightweight title defense against Kenny Florian until late July or August, because he wants to spend time with his new daughter. Though Dana White — and BJ Penn’s facebook page — previously stated that the Penn/Florian tilt was a possibility to headline UFC 99 (June 13th; Cologne, Germany), it’s looking like the match could headline the as-of-yet unannounced UFC 101 or 102 cards.

If Penn does agree to a fight in late July, it will have been 14 months since the last time the UFC’s lightweight title was up for grabs — and eight months since Kenny Florian last stepped into the Octagon. It’s a long layoff, but whaddya gonna do:

It’s a bummer, but waiting for your title shot is still a better option than taking a placeholder bout just to stay busy, and running the risk of getting Paulo Thiago‘d.

Semi-Related: Even if Penn is ready to fight by early July, the lineup for the UFC’s monumental 100th (-ish) event (July 11th, Las Vegas) might already be too crowded. In addition to the GSP/Alves and Henderson/Bisping fights, the rumor of a Randy Couture vs. Fedor Emelianenko one-off match has reared its head again, thanks to UFC-approved journalist Kevin Iole.

(Yeah, I’m looking forward to this fight.  Thanks Combat Lifestyle, again.)

- Bob Reilly conducts local poll to prove people hate MMA in NY.  (CBS)

- Chuck Liddell now dating annoyingly vapid porn star?  (Cage Writer)

- UFC 97 sold out.  (UFC.com)

- Joe Stevenson advises Diego Sanchez not to piss off B.J. Penn.  (Setanta)

- Dana White talks UFC 100 plans.  (MMA Junkie)

- Spike TV says no to Full Tilt Poker as UFC sponsor.  (MMA Payout)

- How the UFC 97 compromise went down.  (Sportsnet.ca)

- Capoeira would be awesome if this happened every time.  (Break)

- Top 10 submission moves.  (Ask Men)

- Brian Vickers fires another shot.  (All Left Turns)

- Top 32 NFL draft prospects.  (Scores Report)

- 9 truthful celebrity autobiographies.  (Holy Taco)

- Oscar categories we’d like to see.  (Screen Junkies)

- Bar maid beats robber with his own crowbar.  (Nothing Toxic)

(Here goes Wanderlei, telling another one of his obviously bullshit fishing stories.)

The UFC’s summer venture into Cologne, Germany on June 13 is beginning to take shape, and that shape is already pretty intriguing — much like a dodecahedron, only not as pretentious.

MMA Weekly reports that Rich Franklin and Wanderlei Silva are likely to meet at a catchweight of around 195 pounds or so.  While it’s not the kind of fight that would determine a title contender – and even if it did we wouldn’t know for sure which weight class that contender might be in – it is the kind of bout that is interesting just ’cause.  Franklin and Silva are both on a sort of downward slope in their careers, so why not fight each other and see how it turns out?

Also a possibility for UFC 99, at least in his own mind, is Mirko “Cro Cop” Filipovic.  Fresh out of surgery on an injured knee, Cro Cop told a Croatian website (which was then translated by our friend Robert at Betwwx.com) that he was “very confident” he’d be fighting for the UFC in Germany this June.  As for potential opponents, Cro Cop mentioned Randy Couture and sounded pretty pumped about the idea.  

Sounds good to us.  If the UFC can add Cro Cop-Couture and Franklin-Silva to a card that already has Caol Uno-Spencer Fisher and maybe, possibly even B.J. Penn-Kenny Florian, Germany’s world will officially get rocked, as The Scorpions might say, like a hurricane.

(Props: BJPenn.com)

As part of his one-man Warren Commission on that unfortunate UFC 94 greasing scandal, BJ Penn has released a highlight video of sorts, intended to prove exactly why Georges St. Pierre is a dirty, rotten, no-good cheater. I don’t know if Penn hired the same team responsible for putting together UFC Primetime, but this is a first-class production, all the way. Imagine if Genghis Con was a crybaby bitch who couldn’t accept that fact that he got crushed by GSP — this is the kind of video he’d make.

Oh, I kid the proud Hawaiian. To be honest, Penn presents a compelling case, and it does seem mighty suspicious that Sean Sherk, Matt Hughes, and Jason Miller all came up with the same excuse as to why they couldn’t handle St. Pierre. As the saying goes, where there’s smoke, there’s a hot pre-fight bath followed by a baby-oil rubdown. Also, the video’s use of "Tom Sawyer" by Rush? A very subtle dig at GSP’s Canadianism. Where’s your mean, mean pride, Georges?

(Caol Uno vs. BJ Penn at UFC 34. Okay, so they weren’t all brilliant performances…)

After nearly six years away from the organization, one of the UFC’s early lightweight stars will be making his long-awaited return this summer. MMA Junkie reports that Japanese grappler Caol Uno has re-signed with the UFC and will likely step back into the Octagon against Spencer Fisher at UFC 99 (June 13th; Cologne, Germany). 

After beginning his MMA career in Shooto, where he eventually won the league’s 154-pound title, Uno entered the UFC in 2001 and immediately fought for the UFC’s "bantamweight" (155-pound) title against Jens Pulver. He lost a decision to Lil’ Evil, but after going 2-1 in his next three fights — including wins over Fabiano Iha and Yves Edwards, and the 11-second loss to BJ Penn shown above — Uno was invited to compete in a four-man UFC tournament to fill the lightweight title that Pulver had vacated. Uno defeated Din Thomas by decision in the tourney’s first round at UFC 39, but ran into Penn once again at UFC 41 in February 2003. The two fought to a frustrating five-round split-draw, which led the UFC to disband the 155-pound division for three years.

Uno fought for K-1 during that time, scoring notable wins over Hideo Tokoro, Rich Clementi, and Kultar Gill in their Hero’s promotion. Last year, Uno entered DREAM’s lightweight grand prix, where he choked out Mitsuhiro Ishida in the quarterfinals before losing to Shinya Aoki by decision in the semis. In recent weeks, Uno was mentioned as one of the fighters that the UFC wanted to use to break into Japan. Said Dana White: "Caol Uno, I love him. He’ll always be a part of the UFC. And yeah, we’re talking to him, too." 

Uno’s next opponent, Spencer Fisher, is 7-3 in the Octagon and has won his last two bouts against Jeremy Stephens and Shannon Gugerty; he also holds UFC wins over Thiago Alves, Matt Wiman, and Sam Stout. So, it won’t exactly be an easy "welcome back" fight for the Japanese veteran.

Two videos of Uno actually winning fights are after the jump…

(Plotting his next move…)

Someone please explain to me what has happened to B.J. Penn.  Did he suffer some sort of brain trauma in his fight with Georges St. Pierre?  Is he playing an elaborate practical joke on all of us, or does he just crave attention?

First Penn came out this week claiming that Kenny Florian, the man who will likely face Penn in the Octagon next (coincidence?), sent him an email before UFC 94 to tip him off about GSP’s greasing.  When Florian denied it, asking Penn to produce the email as proof, Penn changed his story completely.  In a video post to BJPenn.com yesterday, he claimed it was a text, not an email, and it was sent to a member of Penn’s camp, not Penn himself, and that it included charges of steroid use.  

I’m going to have to call shenanigans, as they say, and for several reasons.

(Georges St. Pierre and Firas "Take About 20 or 30 Minutes and Go Fuck Yourself" Zahabi drill some standup at Tri-Star. Photo courtesy of DayLife.com.)

From TheFightNetwork: 

Here’s my theory: GSP was so infuriated by BJ Penn’s greasing accusations, which stole so much attention from St. Pierre’s historic win, that he’s making it his life’s work to make sure Penn gets crushed by everyone else he faces in the future. It’s not like St. Pierre can completely transfer his gameplan to Florian — that would require Ken-Flo to pack on about 25 pounds of muscle and become an elite-level wrestler in a matter of months — but as he stated after the fight, GSP went into UFC 94 with certain ideas about Penn’s thoracic cage and core strength that turned out to be rather insightful. If Zahabi and GSP can work with Florian on effective ways to assault Penn’s body and pass his guard, maybe he’ll have a snowball’s chance in hell after all. As Penn mentioned on his Facebook page, he hopes to take on Kenny in June. 

(Photo courtesy of Mark J. Rebilas.)

BJ Penn, now 0-2 against Georges St. Pierre, has accepted the UFC welterweight champ’s semi-sarcastic offer to fight for a third time this summer. (GSP: "This time we’ll wear a rash guard. I guarantee you the result will be the same or worse for him.") Here’s what Penn posted on his blog last night:

The boys from “MMA Live” break down UFC 94, which, of course, includes a thorough look at LubeGate (or as some of you would rather call it, LubriGate).  Franklin McNeil is quick to dismiss it as no big deal, but Kenny Florian makes mention of a “select few” who do make use of greasing agents.  It’s almost as if he has someone specific in mind.  Someone he’s personally faced, who was “slippery,” and who had also trained with one Georges St. Pierre at various points.  Hmmmm….

(Props: MMA Videos)

Internet conspiracy theorists/video editors comb through GSP’s body of work, so to speak, in order to find evidence of past greasing.  The Zapruder film it ain’t, but still worth a look.

(Photo courtesy of Mark J. Rebilas.)
 
For nearly two years, UFC 66 — which featured the light-heavyweight title bout between the organization’s two biggest stars, Chuck Liddell and Tito Ortiz — was the UFC’s best-selling pay-per-view card of all time, with an estimated 1,050,000 buys. Few UFC events even came close to the lofty record, until UFC 91 in November almost surpassed it on the strength of the Couture/Lesnar superfight, bringing in a reported 1,010,000 buys. A month later, the stacked-to-death "Ultimate 2008" card smashed the old record with 1,200,000 buys. And now, if Dana White is to be believed, last Saturday’s UFC 94 show has broken the record again, with an estimated 1,300,000+ pay-per-view buys. That figure even beats the 1,250,000 buys that the Oscar De La Hoya/Manny Pacquiao boxing match pulled down in December. 

Could the UFC be a recession-proof business, with a steadily growing base of consumers? Or are the killer numbers for St. Pierre vs. Penn 2 a direct result of the event’s marketing blitz, which included the flashy new documentary series UFC Primetime? And how long will this new record last? Though there are no bonafide superfights on the schedule right now, DW reminds us that we have Mir/Lesnar, Penn/Florian, Rashad Evans’s first title defense, and Randy Couture’s next fight coming up, so there’s no shortage of great matchups to be had. Meanwhile, the UFC’s competition is thrilled to get 150,000-200,000 buys, which just illustrates the gulf in success between the top MMA outfit in the world and everybody else.

Unfortunately, not all is rosy in the financial realm of Zuffa. Frank and Lorenzo Fertitta’s Station Casinos empire announced that it would be going through a "prepackaged bankruptcy" to avoid being crushed by the $2 billion in debts it accrued when the company went private in 2007. Station has been one of the hardest-hit casino groups during the current economic downturn, which has greatly affected Las Vegas’s tourism and real estate markets.

(‘An opportunity to criticize GSP, you say?  Count me in!’)

Well, LubeGate has officially run the gauntlet.  Matt Hughes is the latest former opponent of Georges St. Pierre to add fuel the greasy fire.  In a blog post to his website today, Hughes had this to say:

I’m not the only one who has said that GSP felt greasy during a fight. I know Matt Serra has mentioned it and, even in their first fight, I think BJ said something. I’m not saying GSP did something wrong and I’m not saying that it would have changed any outcomes of any fights; but what I am saying is, for my last two fights against Georges, he felt greasy.

Weird, he felt greasy in those last two fights?  As in, the two that Hughes lost?  Interesting.

Having more opponents jump on this bandwagon doesn’t help GSP’s case any, but what I’m wondering is, if he’s been greasing himself up for years why hasn’t he been caught before now?  The boys from the NSAC jumped all over him when they saw it at UFC 94.  How has he managed to apply Vaseline to his body in front of cameras and athletic commission observers for so long?  Is he taking a Vaseline supplement that makes it come out of his pores?  

(Image courtesy of BloodyElbow) 

Despite rumors that BJ Penn was considering retirement directly before or after his brutal, slippery loss against Georges St. Pierre on Saturday, BJ Penn has updated his Facebook page with a message that he’ll "for sure" be facing Kenny Florian in his next fight, possibly in June. (This follows a previous Facebook comment where Penn wrote "gsp was a bit greased but that takes nothin away from him at all he was the better guy!") Florian last fought at UFC 91 in November, where he scored a first-round submission victory over Joe Stevenson. So, he’ll have to make a choice that’s now all-too-familiar — take a long layoff and wait for BJ to be ready in the summer, or risk his #1 contender status with another place-holder bout.

And just to keep you up to speed on "Lubegate"…

(With tailored suits like that he’s just as slick outside the Octagon.)

After an exhausting and entertaining UFC 94, we sat down with our Cage Potato Super Computer and churned out the arbitrary numerical data for the relevant parties.  It wasn’t easy, but dammit, it was necessary.

Georges St. Pierre +361

Whether you think he was greased up or not, he put a beating on B.J. Penn that can’t be explained away (Vaseline didn’t help him dodge jabs or score takedowns, after all).  He showed up in great shape, with a great game plan, and proceeded to do exactly what he said he would.  GSP is an absolute monster, and at just 27 years old he’ll dominate the division for the foreseeable future.  Good luck, Thiago Alves.  You’ll need it.

B.J. Penn -86

He’s still the best lightweight in the world.  Let’s hope this beating convinced him to stay in the division where he truly belongs.  If you’re going to be the smaller man in the fight, you’d better be more active and in better shape.  He was neither, and he paid the price.  Now give KenFlo his shot.

Vaseline + 590

To hear Penn’s trainers talk, you’d think it was a magical substance.  Just a dash and you become a guard-passing, ground-and-pounding machine.  We may find out how responsible it is for GSP’s success, because after this incident the athletic commissions will be watching closely, as will the UFC.

Props to the Las Vegas Sun, UFC.com, MMA Weekly, Combat Lifestyle, and MMA Fanhouse.

 
(Props: CagePotato reader Chris R.)

BJ Penn‘s trainer Rudy Valentino to InsideFighting (via Fightlinker):

St. Pierre‘s trainer Greg Jackson claims the back-greasing was completely unintentional, and was actually the result of another bizarre Jackson camp ritual. As he told MMA Weekly:

    
(GSP’s brilliant Superman-jab, and Jon Jones’ spinning elbow to the back of Stephan Bonnar’s head, which caused Joe Silva to freak the fuck out. Props to NbleSavage and Smoogy on the UG.) 

— Last night around 9 p.m. PT, the MGM Grand Garden Arena slipped through a cosmic wormhole and landed in Bizarro World. How else would you explain Lyoto Machida picking up UFC 94‘s "Knockout of the Night" bonus in one of the two fights that didn’t go to a decision? The Dragon earned an extra $65,000 for putting Thiago Silva‘s lights out at the very end of round 1. There were no submissions last night (unless you count BJ Penn quitting in his corner), so the UFC decided to hand out two sets of "Fight of the Night" bonuses instead. John Howard and Chris Wilson both earned $65k for their exciting undercard match, which UFC newcomer Howard won by split decision. Nate Diaz and Clay Guida also picked up bonuses for their classic striker vs. hugger battle that ended with Guida getting his hand raised in a Split D.

— The UFC announced that last night’s show drew 14,885 attendees for a live gate of approximately $4.3 million. If that gate figure is accurate, it would make UFC 94 the sixth-highest-grossing UFC event of all-time in terms of ticket revenue. 

— Though the show was short on thrilling stoppages, the fans certainly got their money’s worth when it came to total fight time. UFC 94′s eight decisions broke the previous record of six, held by UFC 33, Fight Night 4, Fight Night 7, UFC 76, UFC 87, UFC 89, and UFC 90. No previous UFC event has ever featured more than two split decisions — UFC 94 had five, a record that hopefully will never be broken.

(Gono‘s Afro wig gives Fitch much happiness.  Photo courtesy of MMA Weekly.)

The MGM Grand Garden Arena is sold out for tonight’s event, leaving lonely men to wander the casino floor and mutter hopeless pleas for spare tickets.  But you, you lucky bastards, have this liveblog.  It’s as elusive as Lyoto Machida, as much of a chick magnet as Georges St. Pierre, and as steeped in straight-up, gangsta realness as Nate Diaz.

We’re going to get started with the prelims at about 5 pm PST, so if you don’t want to ruin the undercard results for yourself, tread carefully.  Otherwise, hop on and enjoy the ride.  Remember to hit refresh often.  But before we get started, how about helping us out with a Digg.  Thanks.  You’re the best.

(Photo courtesy of MMA Weekly.)

The MGM Grand Garden Arena was a packed house for this afternoon’s UFC 94 weigh-ins.  Every fighter made weight, some after taking full advantage of the extra pound allowance for non-title bouts.  

Akihiro Gono got the crowd’s attention when he showed up in zebra shorts and an enormous Afro wig.  As a show of good sportsmanship before the staredown he offered the Afro wig to Jon Fitch, who accepted it and put it on his own head for the photo op.

B.J. Penn clocked in at a very svelte 168 pounds, just in case you forgot this wasn’t his natural weight class, while Georges St. Pierre was an even 170.

Said GSP after the weigh-in: “I’ve never been so excited for a fight.  I’ve never wanted to win so bad.  Tomorrow night, don’t blink.  It’s going to be a great fight.”

As for Penn, he said simply: "I’m ready.  I have nothing else to say.  Let’s fight."

The most intense moment of the weigh-in occurred when Clay Guida and Nate Diaz finally came face to face.  A fired up Guida worked the crowd into a frenzy first, while Diaz came out to a chorus of boos second.  After both men made weight, Guida got right in the taller man’s face.  Diaz, naturally, continued mean-mugging Guida all the way off the stage.  Because for the Diaz brothers, it’s always personal.

Full results from the UFC 94 weigh-ins are after the jump.

(Photo courtesy of Zimbio.com.)

We called up Joe Rogan earlier this week hoping to shoot the bull about tomorrow’s UFC card. Instead, we got a full education about humanity’s impending peak point, the thievery of war, Ashton Kutcher, and psychedelic Internet dance-porn. But that’s how it goes with Joe, whether you’re listening to his stand-up comedy CDs or watching him explain things to Mike Goldberg during UFC broadcasts — not only are you entertained, but you actually feel smarter afterwards. Of course, he did run down the GSP/Penn matchup for us, as well as share stories about his early days with the UFC and fill us in on his upcoming comedy special. So read on and be enlightened…

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CAGEPOTATO.COM: I saw on your website that you did some standup gigs in Austin, Texas last weekend. How would you compare the Austin crowd to the Dublin crowd you played to the week before?
JOE ROGAN: They’re both great in different ways. Ireland is a lot like England — they really appreciate American standup comedy over there. I don’t know what it is about American comedy and the U.K., but it seems to work. I’ve even met a few American expatriates who live over there and do standup. But Dublin was great, and the fans in Austin are always awesome — it’s one of my favorite places ever.

Out of curiosity, is it possible to score good weed in Ireland?
Not good weed. No. You can get passable weed. Unfortunately for the Irish, marijuana is just as illegal as heroin or cocaine or anything else. I believe the way they prosecute it is by how much the drug is worth, rather than how dangerous or harmful to society it is.

I just got your last comedy CD Shiny Happy Jihad, and in the liner notes it says “All together in 2012.” What’s going to happen in 2012?
That’s like the million dollar question, right there. Who knows what’s going to happen. I’m not a scientist, or an archeologist, or a futurist, so for me it’s more fun than anything. But the idea behind it, according to people who take it very seriously, whether they’re the people who decipher the Mayan calendar, or the Terrence McKennas of the world — there’s a guy named Terrence McKenna who actually created a mathematical algorithm that predicted what he called “waves of novelty,” meaning human innovation throughout time and history, and he believed that what we do as human beings, as far as creating new things like the wheel or matches or the Internet, that what we’re doing is part of a mathematical program. Meaning that we are doing something that you can actually track with mathematics. And his algorithm showed that human innovation is pre-destined. It’s just what we do, like bees make beehives, ants make anthills — human beings make technology. We change our environment, we alter things. And that eventually we were going to reach a peak point, or a point of what they call “ultimate novelty,” and that this is going to be a moment where something is invented, something happens, that changes the world as we know it.