Brock Lesnar

According to Brock Lesnar's jiu-jitsu coach, Rodrigo "Comprido" Medeiros, the big man is healing up after his surgery and will "be fighting again within six months."  That means Lesnar-Carwin could take place this spring, and there will be no need for an interim title or any other such nonsense.  Great, right?  Only maybe we should consider the possibility, however minor, that "Comprido" is substituting blind optimism for medical knowledge.

If we can believe what Dana White says, Lesnar had a hole in his intestine that was leaking stuff into his stomach.  I'm no more a doctor than I am a jiu-jitsu world champion, but that sounds like the kind of thing that could sideline a man for a little while.  Even if the surgery was completely successful in repairing the problems, Lesnar will probably need to rest for a little while before returning to the kind of intense training that might prepare him for a title defense. 

In other words, let's take this six month promise with a grain of salt.  While it's believable that Lesnar may heal much faster than your average mortal, it's also possible that he might need more time to put this behind him and get in shape to defend a heavyweight championship.  Especially after what those Canadian doctors did to him. 

(He feared no man.  Canadian doctors?  Well, that's a different story. Photo courtesy of Fight Magazine)

Free health care might work just fine for most Canadians.  If Georges St. Pierre discovers a bizarre rash after his post-fight debauchery or Alanis Morissette decides to pop out a kid, it's no problem.  But their system of caring for the sick and injured without driving them into bankruptcy just isn't up to dealing with the big problems of a big man, particularly not when that big man is as much of a red-blooded American as Brock Lesnar.  According to what Lesnar's chiropractor, Larry Novotny, told a local news affiliate in Alexandria, Minn., Lesnar's current health problems really started heading downhill while vacationing in Canada, the land of free medicine and wonderfully polite death panels.  I think you know who he's going to blame.

Said Novotny: "His symptoms became severe while in Canada, which because of their health care system, made it difficult to manage.  At this point it's a possibility that it could jeopardize his career." 

Okay, Novotny.  Fair enough.  But you're forgetting to mention that it didn't cost him a penny.  Still a good deal for the money, no?

And so the Brock Lesnar illness saga continues.  According to Dana White's Twitter, the UFC heavyweight champ is out of "minor surgery" and beginning to feel better.  Since the surgery was presumably designed to help deal with a bacterial infection in his intestinal tract, it's hard to imagine that there could anything too minor about it.   Where I come from, wisdom tooth extraction = minor, anything having to do with intestines = major.

At least the surgery sounds like it went well and now White can finally get out of Bismarck.  Meanwhile, every other fighter in the UFC is forced to ask himself, what would it take for Dana to come visit me in a place like North Dakota?  The answer, of course, depends on who you are.  Georges St. Pierre?  Probably wouldn't take much more than a mild heart attack.  Tito Ortiz?  There'd better be some exposed brain matter involved.  Kendall Grove?  Unless aliens show up and declare him their emperor for life, DW isn't even getting out of bed.

(...and don't even get him started on Britney Spears.)

UFC heavyweight contender Shane Carwin, typically one of Brock Lesnar’s harshest critics, has taken to the internet to defend the champ and shame the fans who doubt that his illness is real.  In a message posted to the UG forum, Carwin says that you don’t have to like Lesnar and his “antics,” but says fans “should have respect for the human side of what is happening here.”  In addition to offering his condolences and prayers for Lesnar’s full recovery, Carwin also made it very clear that he doesn’t want Lesnar to be stripped of the title just because he’s too sick to defend it: 

Talk of stripping a man of his title due to illness will set this sport back farther then anything Brock has ever said. We need our Champions healthy and defending. I know the show will go on but to be a Champion you must beat a Champion.

In other words, Carwin’s record as the classiest son of a bitch in all of MMA remains unblemished.  Obviously, he’s right.  As much as some of us might want to see Carwin put his enormous fist through Lesnar’s face, it’s far more important to see Lesnar get healthy.  He may not be the nicest or the most compassionate guy in the world, but he’s still a human being.   A gigantic, ill-tempered human being, who we all hope makes a quick and complete recovery.

("...so I said, 'Incurable disease? My God, what's the *good* news?' And the doctor says, 'We're going to name it after you.'")

From the Associated Press: