(Mike Kogan’s profile pic courtesy of FindABearTonight.xxx)

At this point, we all know that Nate Diaz has been suspended and fined for calling Bryan Caraway a “Fag” through his twitter account. Other than deleting and re-wording his original tweet, Diaz has been silent on the matter since originally criticizing Caraway for accepting the Submission of the Night bonus cash that was originally designated for Pat Healy until “Bam Bam” tested positive for marijuana metabolites after choking out Jim Miller at UFC 159.

Diaz’s new manager Mike Kogan, however, just can’t seem to shut up about it all — and he’s making his client look even worse in the process.

Immediately following Diaz’s tweet, Kogan issued a ridiculous justification to MMA Junkie that showcased a stunning lack of self-awareness.

“Guess what? The word faggot, at least in Northern California, and where Nate is from, means bitch,” Kogan said. “It means you’re a little punk. It has nothing to do with homosexuals at all. So when Nate made the comment that he made, he didn’t make it in reference to homosexuals or calling Caraway a homosexual. He just said it was a bitch move.”

Separating the word “faggot” from its many historical applications for insulting gay people, as Kogan tried to do, is a stretch. But let’s say that it was possible to separate them. We’d still be left with Diaz publicly calling someone a “bitch” — another word commonly used to insinuate homosexuality, and far more often used to insult women — and Kogan defending the usage of that word just as strongly.

Even if we recognize the obvious fact that Diaz’s tweet was insensitive, few people would crucify him simply for using those slurs in a moment of frustration. All we’re asking for is a little reflection, and some recognition of the fact that, though you may not be a bad dude deep down, that was an insensitive thing to say and a sincere apology is warranted. Or, again, to at least shut up about it all.

Kogan seems far too dense to do that. The manager was recently on MMA Fighting’s MMA Hour and went out of his way to insist that both he and Diaz are offering no apologies.

(Not only did he charge little Billy twenty bucks for the autograph, but he also spelled his name “G-o-f-u-c-k-y-o-u-r-s-e-l-f.” Image via Caraway’s Twitter account.)

Okay, let me get this sentence out of the way as quickly as possible: Even though he expressed his opinion in a profoundly stupid manner, perhaps Nate Diaz has a damn good point about Bryan Caraway being a less-than-admirable individual.

I’ll give you a few moments to let that sink in.

(What, were you expecting something different?)

I’m not here to fault Caraway for accepting Pat Healy’s UFC 159 Submission of the Night bonus after Healy failed his drug test – even though he was obnoxiously self-righteous about it – because if my boss offered me sixty thousand dollars I wouldn’t exactly turn it down. But allegations of hitting a woman and selling drugs? That dog won’t hunt, monsignor.

(Somewhere in Indiana, Miguel Torres is breathing a sigh of relief.) 

Ladies and gentlemen, we give you the single dumbest tweet of 2013. The top one.

385 retweets. 184 favorites. And counting.

Feel free to start speculating how much Diaz gets fined for this, or what his inevitable apology to the LGBT community will sound like, in the comments section.

-J. Jones

(A stern anti-marijuana crusader hand-in-hand with the marijuana king of Oakland? Looks like Martin Scorsese just found his next screenplay. Photo via Esther Lin/MMA Fighting)

There’s really not much more that can be said about Pat Healy’s — or really, any other fighter’s — positive test for marijuana and subsequent suspension/fines. As insane as it is that we live in a world where marijuana usage often carries a higher penalty for MMA fighters than that of steroids, it’s also a rule that every fighter understands the moment they become an employee of the UFC. Simply put, if you’re not smart enough to understand exactly how long marijuana metabolites stay in your system prior to a fight, you pretty much deserve what’s coming to you. It’s the reason I picked a line of work that literally allows me to blow bong hits at my computer screen while writing this. Not that I am — as with alcohol, I don’t believe in smoking before noon. On weekdays.

That’s not to say that we relish whenever a fighter is busted for marijuana, in fact it’s usually quite the opposite. In the case of Healy, he had the biggest (and possibly most exciting) win of his career negated and over 100k in bonus money revoked because he liked to kick back with a little Wildwood Weed after a day of getting his ass kicked. It’s a better excuse than most of us have, but don’t expect the man who received his revoked $65,000 “Submission of the Night” bonus, Bryan Caraway, to offer him any sympathy. In an interview with MMAJunkie, Caraway shot from the hip when discussing his feelings for all of us you dirty, pot-smoking degenerates:

I couldn’t be more happy, and it was an insanely pleasant surprise

All I’ve got to say is that’s some expensive weed. I like Healy a lot. I came up through the fighting ranks with him. We used to train together at Team Quest. I love the guy. But I have absolutely zero remorse or guilt.

I hate weed. I cannot stand it. I’ve never tried it. I’ve never smoked a drug in my life. So I have absolutely zero tolerance for people that do it. I don’t care if it’s legal in some places or not. I think it’s absolutely ridiculous. Whether it’s legal in real life or not, they tell you to follow the rules. You need to follow the rules.

(Goyito and Kim Winslow: One sword-swallower short of a freak-show. / Photo via Gary A. Vasquez-USA TODAY Sports)

Seems like it’s been a while since we’ve had a good-old-fashioned staph outbreak in the world of MMA. The latest victim of the nasty bacterial infection is Erik “Goyito” Perez, the bantamweight up-and-comer who was slated to face TUF 14 vet Johnny Bedford on the UFC 159: Jones vs. Sonnen prelims this Saturday in Newark. Perez, who holds a 3-0 UFC record with all wins by first-round stoppage, was hospitalized over the weekend with a severe staph infection in his leg. No word yet on a timetable for Perez’s return; let’s just hope his infection hasn’t reached Randleman or McFedries levels of grossness.

Replacing Perez on less than a week’s notice is Team Alpha Male’s Bryan Caraway, who’s coming off a split-decision loss to Takeya Mizugaki at UFC on FUEL 8 in March. Miesha’s boyfriend will need to come correct against Bedford, who’s officially 2-0 in the UFC with both wins by KO/TKO. So will Caraway follow in the footsteps of his teammates’ recent success, thanks to the addition of striking coach Duane Ludwig? And will you care enough to watch it?

(“Yeah, I have a question for the group: Is anybody *not* getting too old for this shit?” / Photo via Sherdog)

A pair of former PRIDE champions will be anchoring the UFC’s return to Japan. As confirmed by the promotion yesterday, UFC on FUEL 8 is slated for Sunday, March 3rd, at the Saitama Super Arena, with Wanderlei Silva vs. Brian Stann booked for the main event. [Update: The fight will take place at light-heavyweight.] Both men are coming off of decision losses, with Silva dropping his rematch to Rich Franklin at UFC 147 in June, and Stann losing to Michael Bisping in September.

Though Silva probably has little recollection of the last time he competed in Saitama, the Axe Murderer became an MMA superstar in Japan, where he went undefeated through his first 20 fights in PRIDE and held the middleweight title for over five years. But his current stint in the UFC — where he’s won just three of eight fights since 2007 — has suggested that Silva is nearing the end of the road, and his next bad loss could be his last. Can he come up with another heroic effort against the All American?

Speaking of PRIDE legends, longtime lightweight champ Takanori Gomi will be welcoming Diego Sanchez back to the lightweight division at UFC on FUEL 8. Gomi has won his last two UFC fights against Eiji Mitsuoka and Mac Danzig, while Sanchez is coming off a decision defeat against Jake Ellenberger in February. Sanchez hasn’t competed at 155 pounds since being utterly shredded by BJ Penn during their lightweight title fight three years ago.

Pretty damn good for a free card, right? Keep in mind that the event will also feature the heavyweight battle between Mark Hunt and Stefan Struve, plus the following newly-announced supporting bouts…

Fact: You had a 63% better chance of seeing a fight at a Calgary Flames game than you did at UFC 149, according to a study I made up for this caption. Props: The Calgary Sun

When I first sat down to write this aftermath, I wrote five paragraphs of a Jim Cornette rant about how dreadful the main card of UFC 149 was to sit through. Even the most jaded UFC fan boys – the types who comment “Its fights stop complaneing ur not real UFC fan if u dont liek this TapouT tribal tatz NEVER BACK DOWN!!!!!” on YouTube videos of Jacob Volkmann vs. Antonio Mckee- would be hard-pressed to say that UFC 149 was worth watching, let alone paying for. Then I realized that that wouldn’t be fair. Not because a longwinded rant about boredom isn’t a fair assessment of the main card, but rather it isn’t fair to the fans to force them to relive the lowest of the low points from last night. We can all agree that the less that is written about the main card, the better.

So in that spirit, I give you the first ever Cage Potato Fill-In-The-Blank aftermath. Simply pick one of the applicable fighters listed below and plug his name into the blanks. The result will be a mostly accurate analysis of both his performance last night and the future ramifications brought on by it. Enjoy.

Applicable Fighters*: James Head, Brian Ebersole, Cheick Kongo, Shawn Jordan, Tim Boetsch**, Hector Lombard.

I know that the Polly Pessimists and Debby Downers who make up the MMA media are often too hard on fighters, but in this case it’s well deserved: The performance of __________ at last night’s UFC 149 absolutely sucked. He let a golden opportunity slip through his fingers, and seemed perfectly content with this while doing so. If last night was a first date with a perfect ten, then he showed up in sweatpants, took her to Whataburger and then asked for gas money on the ride home.

(Etim and Lauzon, seen here demonstrating the Tomax and Xamot effect.) 

Two lightweights will be looking to bounce back from horrific, nightmare-inducing losses and vie for the love of their malnourished alien overlord when Joe Lauzon takes on Terry Etim at UFC on Fox 4, which goes down on August 4th from the Staples Center in Los Angeles, California.

The last time we saw Etim in action, he fell victim to, and in fact helped spawn the idea behind, the “Falling Tree” knockout, when he was leveled via a spinning heel-kick compliments of Edson Barboza at UFC 142. The fight was only Etim’s second in as many years, as he spent most of the 2010-2011 season nursing a rib injury that forced him out of a match with, you guessed it, Joe Lauzon, at UFC 118. He was replaced by Gabe Rudiger for that event, and we all know how that ended up. Etim finally made his return at UFC 138 in England, where he submitted Edward Faaloloto with a guillotine in just 16 seconds. The victory earned Etim his fourth “Submission of the Night” award in his ten fight career under the Zuffa banner.

Lauzon is also coming off a devastating head kick KO loss– his coming against top lightweight contender Anthony Pettis in their main card scrap at UFC 144. Prior to that, Lauzon had put together a two fight win streak over Kurt Warburton (via kimura) at UFC Live: Kongo vs. Barry and Melvin Guillard (via rear-naked choke) at UFC 136. Lauzon has never lost two in a row in his UFC career, and Etim hasn’t since dropping back-to-back contests to Gleison Tibau and Rich Clementi at UFC 75 and 84, respectively.

I feel compelled to reiterate that the similarities between these two is nothing short of suspect. Both are coming off head kick knockout losses, both are SOTN savants, and both look like the offspring of Christopher Walken and a hairless Aye-Aye. Could it be that these two were separated at birth, destined to fight for the right to rule all of mankind somewhere down the road? Or are these mere coincidences? I suppose it all really depends on which type of person you are.

While you take a moment to reconsider everything your futile religion taught you to believe, join us after the jump for more fight booking news…

(Gentlemen, THIS is what happens when you refer to Ronda as “sugartits.”) 

Well, here you have it, Potato Nation: photographic proof that Bryan Caraway‘s days are numbered.

After nearly taking Miesha Tate’s arm home with her on March 3rd, newly crowned Strikeforce Women’s Bantamweight Champ Ronda Rousey will be featured in the April issue of FitnessRX magazine, a health and fitness publication devoted entirely to the ladies. Being that Ronda considers herself the most dangerous unarmed woman on the planet (with an emphasis on the “unarmed” aspect), she seems as good a choice as any. Just ask Nick Diaz.

Check out a few more photos of Ms. Rousey after the jump, along with a video interview in which she recalls how she beat up a crew of dudes in a movie theater in full, gory detail. These are the pitfalls of universal suffrage, my brethren.

(Gentlemen, please. You can *both* eat dicks. / GIF via IronForgesIron)

After a compact ten-episode run, Spike TV’s final season of The Ultimate Fighter ended last night. So what did we learn? Repeating short phrases over and over again gives them more rhetorical power. “Fufessional” is just another word for dumbass. Karma visits upon every asshole.

But before we put this sumbitch to bed, we have two more semi-final fights to get through. John “The Snitchin’ Magician” Dodson is training for his bantamweight face-off with teammate Johnny Bedford, while Bedford blatantly creeps on him the whole time. Coach Mayhem decides he won’t corner either man, leaving that responsibility up to the assistant coaches.

Says Dodson: “I only got taken down once, by Prince [John Albert], and I’m never going to get taken down again.” But taking Lil’ John down is, in fact, Bedford’s gameplan. And he doesn’t think Dodson has the power to hurt him. Dodson giggles and poses in the face-off after weigh-ins. Once again, we marvel at how small this man is, and how he should really be competing at 125, if such a division existed in the UFC. And once again, his size disadvantage probably won’t matter one damn bit.

(More proof that being on the right side of any photo immediately makes Bisping fall asleep. / Photo via CombatLifestyle)

While preparing for this Saturday’s TUF 14 Finale grudge match against Michael Bisping, Jason Miller recently wrote the following on his website:

“I just want everyone to understand how fricken hard I am training. I have never trained this hard or smart for a fight in my life. In ironic twist news- I’m totally getting reimbursed for John Dodson’s insubordination. I’m not even asking about Michael’s training, but for some reason all the friends that I’ve had for years that are working with him seem to be inclined to tell me about his camp and what he’s doing. I don’t want or need this info, I’m going to beat him regardless, just found it interesting. Pretty karmic.”

Hmm. Michael Bisping’s TUF 14 assistant coaches Tiki Ghosn and Rob McCullough train in the same Huntington Beach circles as Miller — could they be moles infiltrating the Brit’s camp in the name of American patriotism? Or is Mayhem just trying to get in the Count’s head? Bisping is convinced that it’s the latter, telling InsideMMA:

(That’s gangsta. For more gifs from episode 2, check out IronForgesIron.)

As the 16 fighters who survived the elimination round move into the TUF house, some of them hump each other excitedly, while others bury their anxiety in barbecue chicken. Here’s Louis Gaudinot, the green-haired guy: “Dana said the house is 15,000 square feet, but it’ll feel really small; it’s gonna feel like a closet. And I’m already feeling that.” Really? Already? Bro, you haven’t even dropped your bags yet.

After huddling with their assistants to analyze the fighters, coaches Bisping and Mayhem arrive for team selections. The coin-flip lands in Bisping’s favor after a dramatic roll across the room. The Count decides to take first fighter-selection rather than first fight-pick. As we all know, that’s a strategic blunder on par with getting involved in a land war in Asia. The teams break down like this…

Bantanweights
Team Bisping: Louis Gaudinot, TJ Dillashaw, John Albert, Josh Ferguson
Team Miller: John Dodson, Johnny Bedford, Dustin Pague, Roland Delorme

Though Jeff “Karmaatemycat” Watts‘s TUF 14 tryout journey was cut short due to his record (more on that to come), the scrappy Potato Nation member does make a brief appearance at the 1:40-1:44 mark of the above video from MMAFighting.com. Had Watts been able to show off his skills for Dana & Co., he would have been doing so alongside such well-traveled 135/145-pound vets as Ian McCall, Bryan Caraway, Nick Denis, Matt Jaggers, Jose Vega, Paul McVeigh, and (as we see in this other highlight vid from KahL-One) Din Thomas. He would have also picked up $100 cash for every submission he pulled off. Oh well. Next time, bro…