Butterbean

(Too old for this shit vs. Too fat for this shit.)

It was the fight that needed to happen. Well, maybe needed is too strong a word, but vodka bottles and turkey legs don't grow on trees, and it's either this or substitute teaching. That's right, freak-fight-fans: UFC pioneer Tank Abbott (10-14) and beach-ball-shaped knockout artist Eric "Butterbean" Esch (13-7-1 MMA, 77-7-4 boxing) will be getting it on at a Thunder Promotions MMA event called "Alabama Pride," which will go down December 12th at the BJCC Arena in Birmingham. Amazingly, both men are coming off wins. Abbott snapped a four-fight losing streak in February with his KO via rabbit punches of Mike Bourke. Butterbean last competed ten days ago, defeating Tom Howard by RNC in a fight that looked like it might have been a work; either that, or Tom Howard really is a belly-flopping pussy (no offense).

Now, Butterbean and Tank will finally get to see who has the better haymakers. But don't be surprised if Bean tools Tank on the ground; he's honed his grappling at American Top Team, and his last four wins have come by submission. "Alabama Pride" also promises a celebrity fight between rapper DMX and Eric Martinez, who's so famous that Wikipedia has never heard of him. If anybody can shed some light, please do so in the comments section.

After the jump: The event poster, and why Tank vs. Bean probably won't be decided by leg kicks.

Ah, the freak show.  Where honest competition meets the insatiable human desire to see something weird, typically in Japan.  In light of the events at this week's Dream "Super Hulk" tournament, we thought we'd take a look back and count down the ten craziest, most outlandish freak show fights in MMA history.  Some are bizarre enough to be fun.  Some are just horrible.  At least one is actually kind of good.  All are totally insane.  Enjoy.

#10: Fedor Emelianenko vs. Zuluzinho
Pride Shockwave 2005, 12/31/05

Zuluzinho (real name Wagner da Conceição Martins, which explains why he goes by Zuluzinho) got his shot at Fedor for two reasons: 1) he is the son of the now legendary Zulu, the Brazilian beast of a man who should be familiar to anyone who has seen “Choke,” and 2) because at 6’7” and nearly 400 pounds, he’s a big, scary-looking fat dude.  What he isn’t is quality competition for Fedor, and that’s why he got the fight on December 31.  Everyone knows Fedor loves to beat a freak’s ass to ring in the New Year, the bigger and freakier the better.  

Just in case there was any doubt that this was an almost criminal mismatch, Zuluzinho erased it by going down with the second punch thrown in the fight.  We like to think that as he was falling time slowed down like in the movies and Zuluzinho allowed himself to wonder just for a moment, 'Is there a chance that the Pride matchmakers haven’t been taking me seriously?'

(Eric "Butterbean" Esch vs. Wesley "Cabbage" Correira)

The K-1 World Grand Prix 2008 went down Saturday at the Stan Sheriff Center in Honolulu, with Turkish kickboxer Gokhan Saki cruising through the event's eight-man tournament thanks to three consecutive knockouts of Deutsch Puu, Rick Cheek, and Randy Kim. The GP's quarterfinal round featured a match between Eric "Butterbean" Esch and Wesley "Cabbage" Correira, who previously fought in an MMA bout at Rumble on the Rock 8, where Butterbean won a doctor's stoppage victory after two rounds. This time the 'Bean wasn't so lucky, as he suffered a head-kick knockout in the second round, which dropped his K-1 record to 2-4.

Another fighter who didn't make it to the semis was American Gladiator/kickboxer Justice Smith, who lost a hard-fought decision to Mighty Mo Siligia — Mo was unable to continue to the GP's second round, and was replaced by alternate Randy Kim, who knocked out Correira in the semis before being put down by Saki in the finals.

In the non-tourney superfights, K-1 World Heavyweight Champion Badr Hari needed all of seven seconds to knock out Domagoj Ostojic, and Min Soo Kim outlasted one-time UFC fighter Scott Junk to a unanimous decision win. Full results and video of the Hari/Ostojic knockout are after the jump. Props to MMA Mania and Bloody Elbow.

Just a little something to whet your appetites for Saturday. James Thompson has suffered some quick and embarrassing knockouts in his career, but this freak bout against Eric Esch at Cage Rage 20 in February 2007 was maybe the most humiliating. The announcers warn Thompson of "Buh'ah'bane"'s infamous overhand right — but alas, poor James cannot hear them, and he's out seconds later.

More video awesomeness after the jump...

We had neither the time nor interest to watch YAMMA live, so if you want a more detailed recap of the sad spectacle than we had in our results post, we recommend going here or here. But if you want the entire depressing, cut-rate experience boiled down into three minutes, look no further than the "Masters Superfight" between Eric "Butterbean" Esch and Patrick "Pillbottle" Smith. Cheers to Smith for dodging Butterbean's infamous haymakers; jeers to Esch for not being able to get to his feet after slipping. Smith simply got down next to the 416-pound beached whale and dropped punches until Dan Miragliotta decided that the 200 audience members had gotten their money's worth. If only 'Bean could have fallen onto the revolutionary YAMMA incline instead — who knows what could have happened...