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21 Humans Who Make Being Human Look Really, Really Hard

Tag: CagePotato ban

CagePotato Ban: Pretending to Care About the Fighters When Your Actions Prove You Don’t


(I respect and adore these brave warriors who risk their WAIT HE MAKES MORE MONEY THAN I MAKE WORKING PART-TIME AT HOT TOPIC?! DIE IN A FIRE, SCUMBAG!)

By Seth Falvo

This is a ban that we’ve been meaning to enact for quite some time. In the MMA community, long-winded rants about issues such as low pay, cruel treatment, and disrespectful articles about the men and women who sacrifice their health for our entertainment are as much a part of being an MMA fan as owning a glittery Affliction shirt. Most fans want you to know that unlike other sports, MMA is a sport whose fans truly and deeply care about the general well-being of the fighters.

And about 90% of those fans are completely full of shit, and need to finally be called on it.

The opportunity to do so has never been better than it’s been these past four days, while UFC veterans have tried to express their displeasure with the organization, only to be told to bite their tongues by the fans. First there was Chris Leben, who actually said point blank that he would have been better off driving a truck instead of fighting for the UFC for the past decade. Next, there was Nate Quarry, who exposed both how little most guys make through sponsorships and how little the UFC actually cares about their fighters. If even half of the fans who claim to respect the fighters actually did, there would be serious pressure on the UFC this week.

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CagePotato Ban: Fighters Being *Too* Honest About Their Sketchy Pasts


(Pictured above: The exception to the rule.)

There isn’t a human being among us who doesn’t have some skeletons in their closet. As a species, we are often genetically predisposed to mental disease, addiction, and all kinds of abnormal behavior. When combined with the meat grinder that is everyday life in the public eye, it is only a matter of time before some of these skeletons, these abnormal tendencies, are uncovered for the world to see and later criticize from our two most prestigious ivory towers, Hindsight and Judgement.

And while there are plenty of combat sports competitors who were raised under “normal” circumstances in a “normal” household, who went on to become poster boys for the “normalness” of their organizations/sports and so on, there are just as many fighters who came from nothing, and when faced with the overwhelming eye of the public, allowed these abnormal tendencies to be placed center stage and eventually destroy them.

One such fighter is Mike Tyson, who after rising to the highest ranks of the boxing world some thirty years ago, saw his fame, fortune, and fanbase crumble beneath the weight of drug addiction and scandal. Nowadays, a wiser, gentler Tyson has emerged, unabashedly sharing the most intimate details of his past in an effort to both restore his shattered reputation and warn young fighters of the potential dangers they could face down the line.

The problem is, “Iron Mike” is being a little *too* candid as of late. Join us after the jump to see what we mean.

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CagePotato Ban: Anything to Do With the Bickering Between Jenna Jameson and Tito Ortiz


(Nope. Nothing to see here. Everyone just move along. Photo via Iamflashdance.) 

If following loosely MMA-related minor celebrities on Twitter is your thing, there’s a chance that you have already seen Jenna Jameson‘s latest tirade against Tito Ortiz last night. That’s right, the couple known for their crazy, attention-seeking behavior decided to air their dirty laundry on Twitter, and it was just as outrageous and pathetic as you’d expect it to be.

There’s no way I’m covering every tweet from this disaster, so here’s the short version: Jenna accused Tito of taking her children, cheating his drug tests with the UFC and almost killing her in February. As “proof” that Tito Ortiz is a raging drug addict, Jenna tweeted a picture of a drawer that she claimed belonged to Ortiz — which contained a few syringes and a bottle of Ibuprofen — and a picture of the Diet Cokes in her fridge with some prescription bottles above them. Tito responded to MMAJunkie.com by essentially saying “think of the goddamn children” before blaming her for all those losses at the end of his career.

Of course I’m not joking about that last statement. Tito Ortiz said that Jenna Jameson’s erratic behavior distracted him before the fights he lost at the end of his career; presumably because even he has finally realized how pathetic of an excuse “I totally had a cracked skull, you guys” is.

This may be more of a precautionary measure than anything else — who knows if Jenna Jameson will actually come forward with a story about Tito Ortiz almost killing her — but it’s right about now that I think we need to revisit a defunct CagePotato Ban from the days when Ortiz was a free agent claiming to be “very close” to signing with a new promotion every other day:

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CagePotato Ban: MMA Fighters Announcing Their Retirement, Then Immediately Unretiring


(Okay, okay,okay, *you* can do whatever you want, Aleks. Just stop looking at us like that.) 

Earlier today, it was announced that former PRIDE star and perpetual blue-balled can crusher, Aleksander Emelianenko, had signed a multi-fight deal with the Russian organization ProFC. Which would be fine, had Emelianenko not announced his retirement from the sport three months earlier after being shitcanned by M-1 Global. Many of you are probably wondering why we are wasting our time poking fun at a long-since relevant Emelianenko brother when we could be, I dunno, predicting who is most likely to test positive for quaaludes at UFC 159, but Aleks’ recent revelation highlights a growing problem amongst MMA fighters: understanding what the term “retirement” is supposed to mean.

Look, we get it. Everyone from Michael Jordan to Muhammad Ali have announced their retirement from their respective sports in the past, only to recant shortly thereafter. It’s understandable to a degree, especially in the fight game. A guy suffers a couple tough losses, begins to fear for his own health, and decides that it is in his best interest — as well as his family’s — to call it a career before he suffers an injury he cannot come back from. Then, after adjusting to the stale, mundane existence that constitutes the lives of most non-fighters, he begins to convince himself that he’s always had “it,” but has just been held back by issues in his training camp, at home, in their own mind etc. — issues which are now completely behind him. If only it were that simple.

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CagePotato Ban: Anderson Silva’s Managers Being Allowed to Speak in Public

The last time we saw Anderson Silva’s manager Ed Soares, he was telling Inside MMA — with a straight face! — that Michael Bisping would be a good option for Silva’s next middleweight title defense. After all, it’s Soares’s job to help his client get big fights that the fans want to see. (His response when Bas Rutten suggested that Anderson fight UFC light-heavyweight champion Jon Jones: “AhhhhhhIdunno.”)

So now that Bisping has fallen short in yet another “win this one and you get a title shot” match, Soares finally has to accept the reality that Chris Weidman is the most worthy contender to Silva’s crown, right? Right? RIGHT? Well, if you believe that, then you simply don’t know the enigma that is Ed Soares. He’s got another Plan B in mind, and it’s about as left-field as matchmaking gets. Here’s what he told CageFanatic in an interview last week, as transcribed by MMAMania:

(Silva’s next fight) is still up in the air man, we don’t know who that is. Unfortunately Bisping lost which was a big thing but I’m not too sure. I’m not too sure who could be next…we want to fight someone who has a little bit of a name, someone that has as big of a name as possible and that’s on a winning record or a winning run right now. Right now it seems like most of the guys with names have had losses very recently. So, when I think about it, like the only thing that comes to mind and I don’t even know if that would be a possible fight is, you know, like Cung Le is coming off of three wins or something like that [Ed. note: Yeah, or something like that.] where he’s got a little bit of a name, but I mean it’s really hard in that division because it’s so evenly matched all the opponents on any given day one of those guys can beat each other, so you know, once again whoever the UFC decided we’re in…

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CagePotato Ban: Blaming a Failed Drug Test on an Over-the-Counter Supplement


Sheesh, Randy and Chuck have really been hitting the Centrum Silver since they retired, huh?

Ever since the Dietary Supplement Health and Education Act was passed in 1994, athletes have been aware that there may be more than just protein in the tubs of powder and bottles of pills found in their local grocery stores. The supplement industry isn’t exactly known for its history of ethical practices, and the deregulation of it has unsurprisingly caused manufacturers to push the limits of what can be snuck into their products. It’s widely been accepted that any supplement one purchases — be it the pre-workout stimulant that a personal trainer recommended or the “hardcore” testosterone booster that the local meathead swears is responsible for his 300+ pound frame — can result in a failed drug test, and that any athlete who uses supplements does so at his or her own risk.

Yet if you’ve followed this sport — or any sport, for that matter — for at least one week, you’re already sick of what’s been dubbed The Tainted Supplements Defense. You know the story by heart, and can recite it word-for-word before the athlete even issues a statement on the failed test: An athlete gets busted with a banned substance in his or her system, claims that an over-the-counter product is responsible for the failed drug test, swears that he or she would never resort to taking steroids, wishes that he or she never took the supplements before the fight and promises that it will never happen again. It’s just likely enough to be true, yet just unfalsifiable enough for a reasonable fan to reject.

Which is just one of many reasons why I am cordially inviting anyone blaming a failed drug test on an over-the-counter supplement to fucking stop doing so from this point forward. No matter what variation of the excuse you’re using, your excuse is bad, and you should feel bad. Let’s start off with the most popular variation:

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CagePotato Ban: Asking if Something Is ‘Fair’


(Hughes has been hunting since he was in camo diapers, but never has he seen anything with a rack that nice.)

By Jason Moles

Over the past few days, there’s been a lot of talk about what is fair and what is not. ESPN’s latest Outside the Lines episode, in which they attempted to sabotage the UFC  find out whether or not the UFC holds a monopoly in mixed martial arts, was mostly focused on how much money entry-level fighters are making compared to top fighters, and how unfair that is. Over and over again we were forced to hear terms like “revenue pie” and “fair share.” And just like that, the MMA fanosphere exploded as everyone with an Internet connection shared their inebriated take on fairness and injustice.

Let me stop you in your tracks right there. Who said life was fair, or even that it should be? Need I remind you just how unfair life is?

Why is it that Chael Sonnen gets busted with elevated testosterone and pleads guilty to money laundering and not only keeps his job, but is now in a number one contender bout at UFC on FOX while Nate Marquardt gets popped for the same thing and is excommunicated from Zuffa, relegated to the unemployment line? How in the world did Michael Vick spend more time behind bars for killing dogs than OJ Simpson and Casey Anthony did combined for killing people?! Does that seem fair to you? Don’t even get me started on the number of times Kenny Florian has fought for a title.

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CagePotato Ban: Having Your Champion Fight in Non-Title Fights


Remember: The real champion is the guy on the right. Seriously. Both images via Sherdog.

For those of you who haven’t noticed, Bellator’s Light-heavyweight champion Christian M’Pumbu lost his non-title super fight against journeyman Travis Wiuff on Saturday night. Yes, a champion actually lost one of those super fights that are supposed to show the general public how badass he is. Now that we’ve had an additional twenty four hours to digest the incident since we first reported it yesterday, let’s put the fight into perspective: Wiuff decisively beat Bellator’s light-heavyweight champion, Christian M’Pumbu, in a light-heavyweight fight under the Bellator banner on Saturday night. For his efforts, he has more than likely earned a slot in next season’s light-heavyweight tournament. If he wins said tournament, his reward will be a title shot against the best light-heavyweight in Bellator, Christian M’Pumbu. You know, the guy he just defeated Saturday night.

Wait, what the fucking what?

Having your champion fight in non-title super fights is a dubious idea in the first place. We’ve seen other organizations employ it before with less than spectacular results. Now that the worst case scenario played out at Bellator 55, it’s officially time to give this idea the ban that it deserves.

There are three main reasons why:

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CagePotato Ban: Saying You’re an ’0-0 Fighter’ When You’re Not


(Props: MMAFighting.com)

Ben Rothwell‘s stint in the UFC hasn’t gone the way he’d hoped. After a TKO loss to Cain Velasquez during his Octagon debut in October 2009, the former IFL standout followed it up with a unanimous decision win over Gilbert Yvel that cost him his ACL. Now, 15 months later, he’s coming into his UFC 135 match against Mark Hunt this weekend with a completely new mindset. As he told Ariel Helwani:

I don’t even feel like I’m the same person now. I feel like in one year I’ve really made some major changes, and it’s gonna be pretty obvious September 24th what I’m talking about…I’m definitely coming into this fight [and] I’m 0-0. This Ben Rothwell is 0-0 coming in the UFC.”

In a way, this is the inverse of bringing back your old self. Rothwell isn’t looking to re-live the past. He wants to come back as a brand-new Ben — a clean slate, removed from all the real-life setbacks he’s suffered over the last three years. A fictional character, in other words.

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Make It, Take It: Heart is Awesome

So”heart of a champion” is just a meaningless phrase?     PicProps: Esther Lin

Heart is awesome. Guts are more important to cage fighting than Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Balls sell more tickets than Olympic medals. Heart is an intangible, an ethereal quality that fighters seem to either have in abundance, or sorely lack. And while intangibles may offend the sensibilities of those who would analyze fights like they’re backward engineering a damn nuclear centrifuge, it’s that very quality that motivates fans to buy tickets, buy shirts, buy pay per views, buy hotel rooms.  It isn’t simply some writer’s trope that we use to fill space; this is an attribute that, however hard to pin down, has a demonstrable effect.

There is something about competition in sports that speaks directly to primal emotions in all of us. Ok, apparently not all of us, but still. Fans tend to be emotional people, and not always rational. So a non-tangible quality like “heart” is important, if for nothing but a fighter’s popularity.

Guys like Ox Wheeler or Leonard Garcia or Scott Smith that seem to just go out there and wing it, wind up getting in a war with some guy and they beat the piss out of one another and everybody in the crowd goes bonkers and throws their hotdogs in the air and the collective cry is a noise like the damn building is yelling–that’s why that happens. And everyone goes home horny and it’s generally a good time had by all. It’s a purely emotional response, and base, and uneducated…and it’s totally valid.

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