infomercial fail gifs
21 Humans Who Make Being Human Look Really, Really Hard

Tag: CagePotato ban

CagePotato Ban: Giving It Up for ‘Heart’

Junior Dos Santos Shane Carwin
(Shane may have had heart, balls, guts, and a chin, but they were no match for Junior’s elite-level anatomical-metaphor defense.)

We’re almost a week removed from the magnificent beatdown that Junior dos Santos laid on Shane Carwin, and it’s probably safe to assume that all of the post-fight articles have been written about the main event at UFC 131. Well, all but one.

This article is not specifically about UFC 131 or Shane Carwin — it’s about a certain phrase that has been tied to Carwin’s performance following his three-round beating, and that phrase is “He showed a lot of heart.”

Do a Google search on MMA “showed heart” and look at the names associated with the term: Shane Carwin, Paul Daley, Roy Nelson, and Andrei Arlovski, just to name a few. Any fighter that stood in there and took a beating, yup, he “showed a lot of heart.”

It’s time to retire that phrase, and here’s why…


CagePotato Ban: The Phrase ‘You Guys’ in Headlines, You Guys


It’s funny how things we casually write on this site can grow to have a life of their own. From “The Glorious Sweater of Absolute Victory” to the “Stockton Heybuddy,” tossed-off gags turn into running gags, which turn into official t-shirt names and UrbanDictionary pages. But there’s one that needs to come to an end right now. I think you guys know what I’m talking about.

“You Guys” first appeared in a CagePotato headline back in September 2009, as part of this classic Dan Quinn video post. At that time, it was already an existing meme that I basically stole from Initially, I thought it would be a one-and-done sort of thing. Then I used it again. And again. Then, Old Dad* began to use it himself. “You Guys” was spiralling out of control.


CagePotato Ban: Blaming an Injury for a Lackluster Performance and Saying God Helped You Beat Someone in a Fight

(Talk of bruised ribs and doing god’s work in the cage don’t belong in a post-fight interview)

Watching Anderson Silva get dominated on the feet and the ground by Chael Sonnen for the better part of five rounds Saturday night at UFC 117, a large number of fans and pundits assumed out loud that the middleweight champion must be sick or injured. How else could he be outworked, outstruck and outgrappled by Sonnen for over 23 minutes of a championship bout?

It didn’t take long for Silva to nullify the praise Sonnen’s career defining performance was garnering him as he announced in his post-fight interview with Joe Rogan that his own somewhat lethargic performance was a result of an injury, not Chael’s nearly perfectly executed game plan.

Besides the slick, yet last-ditch armbar-triangle combo he threw up and was able to catch Chael with in the dying seconds of the fifth round, Anderson really didn’t do a whole lot in the fight, but instead of praising Sonnen for contributing more than his half to their "Fight of the Night" awarded bout, he instead chalked it up to a rib injury he sustained in training more than a week prior to the fight.


Brett Rogers Shaves Mohawk, Violates CagePotato Ban

(Props: FightersOnlyMagazine)

It’s the first time we’ve seen Brett Rogers in months, and what are the very first words out of his mouth? "Basically, man, I feel like I’m kinda going back to my old style." Nooooooooooo! Grim, you are hereby fined 500 PotatoChips for violating our most recent CagePotato Ban, and an additional 250 for shaving off your badass mohawk for some ill-advised reason.  

Anyway, Brett’s back, and is a month out from his Strikeforce heavyweight title fight against Alistair Overeem. But his November loss to Fedor Emelianenko still weighs heavily on him, and he’s hungry for a rematch: "When I went into that fight, I guess my mind was just playing tricks on me…I was expecting him to be a little more aggressive, and I was just playing off of him, but next time I’m just going through him, man. If he comes in to fight like he came in the first time I fought him, he’s definitely gonna get beat. It’s gonna be a murdalization."

As for Alistair, Rogers calls the Demolition Man a "chipmunk" and a "pretty boy to heart," and vows to crush him. "He’s one of those guys that’s really cocky and arrogant…It’s gonna be a fun fight because I don’t like him. He’s talking about he’s gonna smack me when he sees me? I’m definitely gonna put that the test whenever I see him."


Cage Potato Ban Violation Alert: Brandon Vera

(You may have been listening to us, Brandon. But you certainly weren’t *hearing* us.)

I swear you guys, sometimes it almost seems like these fighters are not constantly checking our site for updates and then living according to what we say like it’s the freaking gospel. Just a little over two weeks ago we enacted one of our irrevocable Cage Potato Bans on the practice of promising to bring back your old self. We’d had more than we could stand of guys vowing that this next fight, this was when we’d once again see that bright-eyed young ass-kicker we’d once known. It struck us as a cloying and empty gesture, and so we banished it from the land forever.

But wouldn’t you know it? Here comes Brandon Vera, wantonly flouting our edict like it meant absolutely nothing to him. As he told MMA Weekly:

"I stopped believing in the hype, I stopped worrying about what people think. I’m going back in there just trying to hurt people again like I used to," Vera said. "When I first came out, I would just bang on people and roll with people just to see them break. I got away from that somehow. I don’t know what happened. I got sucked into the MMA world of trying not to disappoint people. I’m over it, I want to go back in there and start doing things like I used to."


CagePotato Ban: Bringing Back Your Old Self

Wanderlei Silva pride MMA
(If you see the old Wandy, please call our missing-legend hotline at 1-888-AX-MURDR.) 

“I’ve rededicated myself, I’m completely remotivated. I just need to get back the old Clay — getting them to the ground, going from my strikes to putting them on their back and making them panic in there.”Clay Guida

"This fight you’ll see the old Wanderlei, he never steps back, always forward, forward. This is the real Wanderlei." — Rafael Cordeiro on Wanderlei Silva

"I’m not really worried about who I’m fighting. I’m fighting me right now. I’m fighting against myself, trying to be the old me."Jens Pulver 

"I’m putting [Forrest Griffin] on his back. Back to the old Tito Ortiz, man, my ground and pound where it’s lethal…they’ll be carrying him out on a stretcher."Tito Ortiz


For as long as there have been losing streaks in combat sports, we’ve had to suffer through the creaky cliché of fighters promising to return to their "old" selves. Seriously, I wouldn’t be surprised if at least one gladiator in ancient Rome shuffled off to an epic poet after a loss and said, "Yeah, I might have gotten run through with a javelin in my last fight, but I’ve been training hard and you’re all going to see a return to the old Heropoulos, giving the fans at the Colosseum what they paid to see — me disemboweling Christians with a trident." And for some reason, the sound-bite is being employed more and more these days (see above), which is why we’d like to send it on a one-way ferry ride to Ban Island, where it will hopefully never be heard from again. The reasons are quite simple, really…


Strikeforce News Roundup: Fedor’s Injury Update, Jerry Millen Violates CagePotato Ban + More

Fedor Emelianenko Brett Rogers Strikeforce
("I’m gettin’ too calm and emotionless for this shit." Photo courtesy of Sherdog.)

— Though it was initially rumored that Fedor Emelianenko could be out-of-action for 4-6 months due to a jacked-up left thumb he suffered in the first round of his fight against Brett Rogers, his condition has been upgraded. Sherdog reports that the Last Emperor underwent surgery yesterday to fix his injury, and will have a half-cast removed in just 4-6 weeks:

[T]he fighter’s reps said two pins were placed in Emelianenko’s hand to correct the dislocation, and that the bone had not fractured… Emelianenko also said that his nose was not fractured, as was earlier suspected…Emelianenko said he planned to return to training, sans striking, upon his return to Russia later this week. M-1 officials said Emelianenko could headline his second co-promoted Strikeforce card in the first quarter of 2010.

— Cristiane "Cris Cyborg" Santos is expected to make her first Strikeforce title defense against Marloes Coenen on January 30th in Miami, according to MMA Weekly. Santos was originally slated to compete on last Saturday’s "Fedor vs. Rogers" card, but her return was pushed back after she suffered an injury during the 2009 ADCC‘s in September.


Cage Potato Ban: Offering to Fight For Free

(‘Rampage, I’m not saying that you’ve turned into a little Spencer Pratt-acting, Hollywood punk bitch. But your actions and your statements lately have been very Spencer Pratt, Hollywood punk bitch-esque.’)

It’s been a while since old CP had to lay the ban hammer down on something.  Ever since people stopped comparing Kimbo Slice to Mike Tyson, it just hasn’t seemed quite as necessary.  But when we read both Rashad Evans and “Rampage” Jackson insisting, on separate days and in separate venues, that they would fight one another for free, we felt that we had no choice.  It stops here, gentlemen.  No more offering to fight for free.  

Here’s why:


Cage Potato Ban: Talking Us Through The Replay

(‘I am waaaaay too high for this bullshit right now.’)

It is inevitably the most uncomfortable, unproductive moment of any UFC broadcast. It’s more worthless than the extended video game/shitty action movie promos. More worthless even than the closeups on celebrities in the crowd, which at least has the virtue of Shaquille O’Neal’s childlike exuberance for the sport and Mandy Moore’s impressive cycle of facial expressions (wholesome, enthusiastic, coquetteish — all in a few seconds!).

The most cringeworthy moment of any UFC pay-per-view comes when we hear those magic words from Joe Rogan: “Talk us through the (insert name of alcoholic beverage sponsor) replay.”

Please, someone tell me when this has ever yielded any commentary worth hearing. It’s not that fighters don’t have anything interesting to say. It’s just that they usually don’t have anything interesting to say right then. They’re out of breath, riding high on adrenaline, and already thinking about the after-party. What do you want them to say?


CagePotato Ban: Kimbo Slice – Mike Tyson Comparisons


Let’s get something straight: Kimbo Slice is not Mike Tyson. He’s not a Tyson-like figure. There’s no “aura of Tyson” around him, no impending “Kimbo Slice’s Punch Out” ready to hit shelves. It’s a bad analogy. If you don’t believe me, just look at the people who keep making it.

First it was Gary Shaw, who kept bringing it up in last week’s media conference call. His thesis was, essentially, that while Kimbo doesn’t have many fights he does have the same kind of energy and popularity that made Tyson a star in the eighties and early nineties.

It’s not hard to see why Shaw likes this comparison. Just as Don King made a lot of money off “Iron Mike”, Shaw stands to do the same in regards to Kimbo. I don’t fault Shaw for drawing the comparison and attempting to force it on others. He’s a promoter. That’s what he does. But the rest of us should know better than to swallow that message without thinking about it.

For instance, Kevin Iole of Yahoo! Sports starts a recent column with this sentence: “It’s hardly a stretch to suggest that Kimbo Slice is the Mike Tyson of the 21st century.”

Really? It’s not a stretch to suggest that a guy with a 3-0 pro record is the 21st century version of a once-dominant heavyweight boxing champion? Seriously?

Let’s imagine for a moment that this is a true statement. If it were, it would prove only that the 21st century is dumber than the late 20th century. It would mean that we live in a time that values the cult of celebrity over actual accomplishment, and that we have become so obsessed with fame that we have lost the ability to make qualitative value judgments.