(Sure, “Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Champion” is a respectable title in its own right, but it just doesn’t carry as much weight at the Playboy Mansion, you know?)
If there’s one thing you can say about former UFC heavyweight champion and Depends spokesperson Tim Sylvia, it’s that the SOB is persistent. Although his once successful MMA career has become little more than a series of punctuated jokes nowadays — most of which revolve around his fat, fatty, “Fatty Boom-Boom” fatness – “The Maine-iac” will simply not be denied his rightful place back in the UFC’s heavyweight division no matter how many times Dana White pisses in his cornflakes.
But the main issue preventing Sylvia’s UFC aspirations from coming to fruition is one that he doesn’t seem to realize: relevant wins. In the past few years, Sylvia has crushed a few cans (and a professional bodybuilder) in unimpressive fashion, been decapitated in 9 seconds by an aging boxer, dropped a decision to Satoshi Ishii, and been spared a loss on a loosely-defined technicality in his completely unnecessary fourth fight with Andrei Arlovski at OneFC 5. Yet despite all this, Sylvia is still holding onto the hopes that he will end his mixed martial arts career “where it started,” which for all intents and purposes is the UFC. He spoke with MMAWeekly:
I don’t know what is going to happen in the future of the UFC heavyweight division. Ideally I would like to finish out my career where it started and that is in the UFC. There’s great fights out there for me and I’d like to put on a great show for the fans on the biggest stage there is, and that’s obviously the UFC.
And who would Boom-Boom like to face in his glorious return, you ask? For starters, Frank Mir, who infamously snatched Sylvia’s title (and his arm) at UFC 48: Payback, otherwise known as the event wherein Ken Shamrock scored his last relevant win…over Kimo. But the second name on Sylvia’s hit list (just beating out Jared from the Subway commercials because “I ate a thousand of those subs and didn’t lose a fucking pound.”), might surprise you: