In typical Chael Sonnen fashion, the outspoken whateverweight recently issued a challenge to Wanderlei Silva with a 24-hour expiration date. Apparently Sonnen’s ability to lose fights yet subsequently talk himself into main events has confused him to the point that he believes he is a UFC matchmaker. Sure, Silva is coming off of an impressive knockout win and yes, Sonnen has lost two in a row. But when has being on a career downturn ever stopped the “American Gangster” from getting fights with more famous fighters who are actually winning before?

“I gave him the timeline…if he doesn’t answer, I’m done and I’ll move on,” Sonnen said from his Fuel TV analyst’s seat this week.

Wanderlei finally responded to Sonnen’s challenge yesterday, and thankfully not on Twitter. Silva told Ariel Helwani that he’s never been offered the Sonnen fight by, you know, the people who offer fights in the UFC. Sonnen also apparently didn’t realize that the communication medium of choice for twelve year old girls would mean little to Wanderlei.

When Fuel TV called up Silva for comment on Sonnen’s challenge, Wanderlei took things from the world of Twitter to a much weirder and more frightening place. First off, Helwani said that Silva “laughed uncontrollably” — which, if you’ve ever heard him laugh, is scary enough – before adding that, “Jon Jones and Anderson Silva have been too nice to Chael. I want to suck his blood. I want to smell it. Not just fight. Not just fight. I want to hurt him…”

(Sure, “Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Champion” is a respectable title in its own right, but it just doesn’t carry as much weight at the Playboy Mansion, you know?) 

If there’s one thing you can say about former UFC heavyweight champion and Depends spokesperson Tim Sylvia, it’s that the SOB is persistent. Although his once successful MMA career has become little more than a series of punctuated jokes nowadays — most of which revolve around his fat, fatty, “Fatty Boom-Boom” fatness – “The Maine-iac” will simply not be denied his rightful place back in the UFC’s heavyweight division no matter how many times Dana White pisses in his cornflakes.

But the main issue preventing Sylvia’s UFC aspirations from coming to fruition is one that he doesn’t seem to realize: relevant wins. In the past few years, Sylvia has crushed a few cans (and a professional bodybuilder) in unimpressive fashion, been decapitated in 9 seconds by an aging boxer, dropped a decision to Satoshi Ishii, and been spared a loss on a loosely-defined technicality in his completely unnecessary fourth fight with Andrei Arlovski at OneFC 5. Yet despite all this, Sylvia is still holding onto the hopes that he will end his mixed martial arts career “where it started,” which for all intents and purposes is the UFC. He spoke with MMAWeekly:

I don’t know what is going to happen in the future of the UFC heavyweight division. Ideally I would like to finish out my career where it started and that is in the UFC. There’s great fights out there for me and I’d like to put on a great show for the fans on the biggest stage there is, and that’s obviously the UFC.

And who would Boom-Boom like to face in his glorious return, you ask? For starters, Frank Mir, who infamously snatched Sylvia’s title (and his arm) at UFC 48: Payback, otherwise known as the event wherein Ken Shamrock scored his last relevant win…over Kimo. But the second name on Sylvia’s hit list (just beating out Jared from the Subway commercials because “I ate a thousand of those subs and didn’t lose a fucking pound.”), might surprise you:

Famed Miami S.W.A.T. team leader Rick Smith (RIP) was once famously quoted on the difference between bravery and courage and offered the following words of wisdom: “Bravery is when you do something dangerous and you’re not even scared. Courage is when you’re smart enough to know that you should be scared, BUT YOU DO IT ANYWAY.” Ten seconds later, he met his demise via one insanely elusive hand grenade. And while we’re not sure if the next two gentlemen we’re about to discuss are brave or courageous, we do know that they are doing nothing short of pulling the pin out of a live grenade to prove it. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

Look, we’re all for fighters stepping up to face a challenge, over say, declining one even if it means the cancellation of an entire event, but this is getting ri-goddamn-diculous. First Cody McKenzie requests a firing via decapitation with Josh Thomson serving as executioner, and now TUF 14′s Akira Corassani is apparently petitioning for his next fight to end at the destructive hands of Conor McGregor when the UFC returns to Boston in August for that preposterously titled event.

Now 2-0 in the UFC since his time on The Ultimate Fighter, Corassani posted the above video on his Youtube page yesterday, and aside from possessing a very loose understanding of what a UFC contract is, pulled a Chael Sonnen and gave McGregor just 48 hours to respond to his call out. Uh, dude, McGregor was pretty much homeless before entering the UFC, so maybe give him a week to fire back on Twitter?

And speaking of fighters biting off more than they can chew…

(Must…resist…shit…getting…too…real…)

As a big fan of TUF 12′s Cody McKenzie, I’ve come to realize that it’s hard to fault the guy for his nonsensical and often self-destructive decisions, especially when it comes to choosing his opponents. The man reaches for the stars, dammit, and will simply not be told that he doesn’t have the right to call out Frankie Edgar, or Jose Aldo, or Chad Mendes, despite the fact that just managed to bring his win-loss ratio in the UFC to the .500 mark.

No, “The AK Kid” wasn’t one to overthink, or even realize the fact that he had dropped 3 out of his last 4 fights heading into his do-or-die bout with Leonard Garcia at UFC 159, which is why it makes total sense that he, now a featherweight, is calling out top lightweight contender Josh Thomson, like he didn’t just save his UFC career by beating a guy on a four-fight losing streak. How can you not love this kid?

(We’re sorry for your loss, Lorenz, but believe us when we say that we know how it feels to be passed over.)

A few hours ago, we made the foolish suggestion that once all of Strikeforce’s chosen ones made their way over to the UFC, Luke Rockhold, should finally give Lorenz Larkin the title shot he had so rightfully earned by collecting four victories in their former promotion over mostly unknowns and nearly getting beaten to death by a roided up King Mo. Rockhold has been ducking him nursing various injuries for months now, and we figured it would be in the champ’s best interest to put all the doubt to rest in regard to Larkin once and for all.

Which is why it makes perfect sense that Rockhold has now called out Costa Philippou and completely invalidated our work in the process. Rockhold recently spoke with MMAFighting – but only because we were totally busy doing some research at the time — and not only did he pick a potential opponent for his UFC debut, but he picked a venue as well:

I think Costa Philippou makes the most sense right now. He’s coming off a win, and I think he’s a good opponent. Let’s get it on at [UFC on FOX 7].

As you can see, Rockhold is going to need to step up his shit-talking game if he ever wants a shot at becoming the real middleweight champion. Acknowledging a potential opponents victories? Calling him “a good opponent?” Jesus, Luke, if you don’t start making name-related insults (Can’t-stand-ya Tulip-poo?) or start mocking “the dirt poor Pygmy people of Cyprus” pretty soon, it’s going to be all FX and FUEL undercards for you from here on out.

(“Psssh, you best drop that tough guy shit right now, Bigfoot, because I can see the future and it doesn’t look good for you.”)

I feel really bad for Frank Mir’s brain. While it is quite an impressive brain when compared to many of its MMA counterparts, it is clearly beginning to wear under the stress of some pent-up, masochistic desires. It has been beaten into unconsciousness in every one of Mir’s six MMA losses, including two particularly brutal/carried-out beatings at the hands of Brock Lesnar and Shane Carwin — both of whom have hands bigger than the average newborn deer — yet it still keeps coming back for more. Most recently, Mir’s brain stepped in on short notice to get kneaded like a fresh Arepa by Junior dos Santos at UFC 146, to the point that its host body was shooting invisible free throws by the end of the night. Twas a sad sight indeed.

Mir’s brain was scheduled for concussion #7 against Daniel Cormier in November, but was granted a temporary reprieve from the injury Governor shortly thereafter. Where one would think that Mir’s brain would go the Paul Daley route and call out someone way below its level for a gimme fight, it instead insisted on calling out Cormier again, CTE be damned.

And it appears as if Cormier is more than willing to play huckleberry to Mir’s twisted desires, as the champ recently stated that — once he gets past Whatshisname Iknowthis at the final Strikeface event in January — he would still like to settle some unfinished business with Mir’s masochistic brain.

FighthubTV has the scoop after the jump.

(A glimpse into the nightmare that awaits Stefan Struve if he doesn’t start choosing his battles.) 

If I could spend a day inside the head of any UFC fighter – Being John Malkovich style — I would obviously choose Donald Cerrone, who is currently sticking it to Brittney Palmer if I remember correctly. High fives all around, guys! But on the off chance I could crawl inside the head of a second UFC fighter, I would have to go with Cheick Kongo, because based on recent events, I can only assume that his brain functions exactly like one of those twisty-turvey waterslides at your local amusement park.

In the past few days, Kongo has turned down a fight with Daniel Cormier, which is understandable, and turned down a fight with Roy Nelson, which is not so understandable for a guy who is coming off one of the most atrocious winning performances in UFC history. But after turning down the Nelson fight, Kongo sent out this tweet, which challenges the phrase “splitting hairs” on a level my brain has yet to fully comprehend:

I did NOT REFUSE to FIGHT Roy Nelson. I REFUSED to TAKE A FIGHT on SHORT NOTICE. Which is NOT THE SAME AT ALL.

Fine, Cheick, if that helps you sleep at night. I hate to judge a book by it’s cover, but if you were to tell me anywhere else that a man with pectorals the size of dinner plates refused to fight this dude on a month’s notice, I would probably call him a pussy. I said probably.

(When the TUF producers decided to shoot Koscheck’s reaction to Two Girls One Cup, little did they know what traumatic psychological issues they would uncover.)

Say what you want about Josh Koscheck — seriously, do it now and in great detail — but if there’s one thing that male nurse hatin’ sumbitch isn’t, it’s afraid of a tough fight. His resume is easily one of the most impressive in the division and although he hasn’t been able to strike gold, he has more than earned his current status as a perennial contender. Sure, he has his shortcomings, but should we chastise a man just because he prefers his motorboats to be of the male ass variety rather than that of the female chest? For is the ass not but the chest of the South?

While you ponder those roundtable-worthy questions, consider the words of Dana White, who said in a recent interview that Nick Diaz would need a big win over a top guy at 170 before he would be considered back in the title picture. Being the remarkably generous company man that he is, Koscheck has apparently already agreed to play the role of stepping stone one last time (see Johny Hendricks, Thiago Alves), calling out Diaz over Twitter yesterday.

Believe it or not, Potato Nation, but there was a brief moment in time when Chael Sonnen was supposed to rematch Forrest Griffin in his return to the light heavyweight division at UFC 155. You might not remember it due to the fact that upon announcing his change in weight class, Sonnen almost immediately skipped over Griffin to set his sights on Jon Jones, a decision that proved ultimately fruitful. Surprisingly, FoGriff seemed at least partially relieved not to be fighting that “boring” Sonnen fellow, but when he is made aware that he’s now been called out by Antonio “Lil’ Nog” Nogueira because of it, we imagine he’s going to wish he could still fight the middleweight wrestler with no KO power and poor submission defense who he has already beaten.

One thing you might recall is that Griffin and Nog were set to meet way back at UFC 114 before a shoulder injury forced the TUF 1 winner out of the contest. Griffin was replaced by Jason Brilz, who turned in one of the most respectable losses in UFC, nay, MMA history that night, coming up just short by way of split decision. Since then, Lil’ Nog has gone 1-2, dropping a pair of UD’s to wrestlers Ryan Bader and Phil Davis before beating the poop out of Tito Ortiz at UFC 140. Griffin is also coming off a win over “The Huntington Beach Bad Boy” (I refuse to acknowledge this “People’s Champ” nonsense), albeit by another close decision in their trilogy-completing/Ortiz-retiring match at UFC 148.

(Heading into his bout at UFC 144, Jackson found strength in the words of his former Shaolin master: “Ret ra rage fro froo you.” Ten minutes later, this happened.)

Rampage Jackson’s ongoing feud with the UFC — which we feel so far removed from that we’ve all but completely forgotten what started it in the first place (money? boring fights? stank bref?) — has clearly taken a toll on both his popularity and his fighting career over the years, as Twitter rants and rape videos are wont to do. After getting submitted by Jon Jones at UFC 135, Jackson showed up heavy, then got wrestlefucked by Ryan Bader when we last saw him, in a performance that would quickly be out-shined (not in a good way) by his hilariously awkward foray into the Japanese hip hop scene later that evening. Needless to say, it appeared as if the power-bombing, Liddell era-ending Rampage we all came to know and love was but a distant memory.

Jackson was then expected to finally bid the UFC adieu at last weekend’s UFC 153 event against Brazilian slugger Glover Teixeira, but then yada yada yada he got injured. Teixeira would go on to beat the ever-loving dogshit out of Fabio Maldonado, whereas Jackson would go on to eat the ever loving shit out of some chili cheese FRITOS. But after consuming those heavenly bits of artificially flavored corn and realizing that Teixeira was in fact a legitimate opponent to build his post-UFC resume on, Jackson quickly doubled back on his “I don’t care who I fight anymore” mentality and proceeded to call Teixeira out on Twitter:

Yo @danawhite set up that fight with Glover please! Lets give him what he wants..fans I won’t let u down #fightofthenight

Dana White quickly responded with “sounds good bro,” which basically means that this thing is a done deal. Basically.

Props: ESNEWS

I know that Ronda Rousey has been training with the Diaz brothers. I didn’t realize that they were also teaching her how to give an interview. Okay, so maybe Ronda has always been the female Nick Diaz when it comes to these sorts of things. But spending time with the real Nick Diaz has really made this take a turn for the hilarious.

Elie Seckbach caught up with Ronda Rousey at the ESPN Body Issue wrap-up party for an interview. At the beginning, Rousey is showing blatant hostility towards her interviewers over their apparent question about what celebrities she would like to fight [Ed Note: Come on, Nick. You mean you didn't teach her that it's their job to instigate fights quite a bit?]. After attempting to avoid the question, Rousey manages to think of a celebrity she’d like to fight: Kim “Famous For Sucking Dick” Kardashian.

In her own words:

(If only he put as much time and energy into choosing a barber. Hi-yo! Pic: Dan Hardy.org. Wait, Dan Hardy is an org?)

Well, this is getting pretty goddamned transparent. First everybody and their dog wants a coin-flip fight against Wanderlei Silva, then Ryan Bader responds to the first loss of his career by calling out Tito Ortiz and now – fresh off his own third consecutive defeat in the Octagon — Dan Hardy is suddenly very interested in fighting Chris Lytle. You know, just for the purposes of putting on “an old school shootout with a guy that wants to throw down” and stuff like that. We’re sure it has nothing to do with Hardy desperately needing a win.

“Screw the rankings, records are for DJs,” Hardy tweeted on Sunday, as part of a Twitter barrage expressing his frustration with losing a “boring” fight to Anthony Johnson at UFN 24. Once again the whole “mixed” part of mixed martial arts bit another standup-oriented fighter in the ass as Johnson first toppled Hardy with a head kick, then dominated him with his wrestling skills en route to a unanimous decision. After the trio of losses, Hardy’s job was saved only by the fact Dana White “fucking loves that kid” (his words) and now Hardy just so happens to fancy a matchup with one of the throw-downiest guys who ever threw down, yet doesn’t have a ton of knockout power. Must be coincidence.

Anyhow, after the jump we took the liberty of condensing Hardy’s irritation into one easily-digestible quote. Plus, find out what fights Johnson and Johny Hendricks also envision for themselves …

(Google Image Search for “robbery.”)

Hey, wanna hear something fucked up? Cool. But first, some backstory:

12/11/07:
Rodrigo Gracie, Crosley Gracie, Platinum Heaven Productions, and Applebox Entertainment announce their intentions to launch a reality show called Settle Your Grudge, in which real people involved in personal disputes are trained in BJJ so they can settle them on the mat; a “famous face” would be hosting the show.

2/12/08:
CagePotato finally catches wind of it. We take the anti- stance, calling the concept “‘tarded.” To quote ourselves: “[I]s hand-to-hand combat ever the best way to settle disputes between managers/employees and teachers/students? At that point, haven’t we conceded that society has basically failed? … That ‘Cop vs. Con’ episode alone would be enough for me to stamp ‘DENIED’ on this bitch.”

2/17/08:
This posting shows up on RealityWanted.com, claiming that Tito Ortiz will be involved in a new reality show in which real people involved in disputes will be trained so the beef can be settled in a cage-fight. Sample line: “UFC Champion Tito Ortiz is going to train you to battle out your problems in the Octagon!! We are looking for ALL SHAPES AND SIZES to walk into the ring and settle it once and for all!!!!”

2/19/08:
CagePotato comes across the posting, assumes that Tito Ortiz is the “famous face” involved in Settle Your Grudge, and posts this. To quote ourselves: “The posting reinforces what initially skeeved us out about the show’s concept to begin with — their attitude that when personal disputes get too heated, “the only way to [resolve them] is to fight it out!” It’s like they’ve never realized that losing a fight makes the average person more hostile afterwards, and winning a fight often makes the winner even more of a prick than he was in the first place.”

3/14/08:
Dan Frenkel of Applebox Entertainment reads our previous post, and leaves us this comment: “First off, I would like to comment that our show starring Rodrigo and Crosley Gracie is in no way affiliated with Tito Ortiz or his show. Second, although real its just simple ENTERTAINMENT. It still beats watching crap like “who wants to marry a tranny”. If you don’t like it do us all a favor and don’t watch it. And if you really don’t like it think about auditioning, whimpy!” For a moment, we have an urge to pretend to be journalists and contact Frenkel so he can set the record straight in a more official sort of way. Then we realized that we really, really don’t care about Settle Your Grudge or Tito’s show, beyond the fact that there are two shows based on the same ‘tarded concept, which is kind of amusing. Our lives resumed as before.

Then this happened.