(And you had to pay your own medical bills, too? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)

Thanks to everybody who entered our Safe caption contest! After carefully considering 132 of your entries today, and ranking them by the volume of my laughter, we have an obvious winner that will be picking up four movie passes to Safe (which hits theaters this Friday, April 27th). But a lot of you were throwing down nuggets of comedy gold, so let’s start off with some honorable mentions…

The12ozCurls: This is the picture next to the word “DICKNAILED” in the dictionary

Tyr: Note to self: Never wear a CagePotato t-shirt to a UFC expo.
[Ed. note: Exceptions can be made if you're enormous, or heavily-armed.]

albyvader: He just escaped from Tom Cruise’s basement.

Smitty: photographer: “Ok now lean back on both hands…show me sexy…show me painful sexy.”

JTBlock: “So let’s call it a draw and both go home. No? Damnit.”

RSparrow: Step 1: Youtube “Mad World” Step 2: Stare at picture
[Ed. note: Yep, that works. Not as well as cueing up "Cool It Now" and staring at this gif, but it works.]

LOKI: And the sad part is none of us will ever know this poor shlub’s name or even care.

And the winner is…

(Never touch Herb Dean’s hair. It’s a lesson you only need to learn once. / Photo via Sherdog)

As if we don’t give you vultures enough free swag, we were just hooked up with four passes to the movie Safe, which hits theaters on April 27th. Starring MMA superfan Jason Statham, the flick is about an ex-cage-fighter who seeks to protect a young Chinese girl whose memory holds a priceless numerical code wanted by the Russian Mafia, the Triads, and corrupt police. In other words, Statham beats the living f*ck out of lots of people.

It’s caption contest time, and the winner takes all. Post a caption to the above photo in the comments section by Monday at midnight ET, and we’ll round up the best ones on Tuesday. The best one gets all four movie passes. Any questions? Now get crackin’…

(“These voices, these voices, I hear them, and when they talk I follow, I follow, I follow…”)

Nothing like a good caption contest to remind us what a funny bunch of sons-of-bitches y’all are. After sifting through nearly 200 submissions, we’ve selected the two winners who will be receiving copies of Chael Sonnen‘s new life-manual, The Voice of Reason: A V.I.P. Pass to Enlightenment a month before it goes on sale to the general public. But first, some runners-up…

LOKI: Chael struggled to hold back the guilt in his face; he never realized that wishing cancer on Ed Soares would actually work.

tdpwent: Chael and random guy #2 show what a certain brazilian BJJ expert will be doing every night after his failed pick-up attempt.

mcw89138: Chael and Ronda drove 2,000 miles to an undisclosed Starbucks to see for themselves the Internet freak and phenomenon known as “perfect circle head” guy.

BigBalluh: The new season of Two and a Half Men is gonna suck.

Kid Clam Curtains: Not pictured: The knee-high rubber boots they’re wearing for all the bullshit.

Last month, we warned you that Chael Sonnen will soon be dominating your local bookstore, having already conquered the worlds of professional fighting, politics, and athletic commission hearings. His new book is called The Voice of Reason: A V.I.P. Pass to Enlightenment, and will be available to the general public on May 15th. Amazon.com describes the content in these humble terms:

Sonnen’s commentary and tales of heroic adventure will initiate you into the world of superhuman greatness. Allow him to carry you like a frail damsel through the world of professional mixed martial arts as he cuts weight, deals with moronic cornermen, expresses his disdain for focus mitts and punching in general, gets his face rearranged, and finds support and encouragement from fans. Permit him to cleanse your mind’s palate and teach you the truth about history, politics, endangered species, cinema, terrorists, music, particle accelerators, and his plans for creating a Chaelocracy, which translates as “a Better Earth.” Shower him with praise as he takes you into his manly mitts like a lump of clay and reshapes you in his own likeness. 

Like all men of myth and legend, Sonnen strives for the betterment of the human race. Prometheus brought us fire; Dana White brought us the modern-day gladiator; and Chael P. Sonnen now brings us the step-by-step guide to being a great human being and patriot…There is no better day to stop being you and start trying to be Chael P. Sonnen.

So…who wants to get a copy a month before it comes out?

(“My God! The utter lack of humor in this contest was powerful enough to tear my skin!”)

Oh crap, I forgot all about this. So who was able to turn agonizing heartbreak into comedy? First, your finalists:

bitteralex: I wonder if it FEELS like a goat’s vagina?

Machiavelli: Lesson learned; Machida will definitely remember to take a carrot with him the next time he goes to pet the buses.

mikeraphon: I need a rematch like I need another hole in my head.

Rear Naked Poke: Round 5 just released the new Lyoto Machida Coin Bank, available this December.

Big Daddy Duker: A true practitioner of Machida Karate will never make noise while sneezing…no matter what the cost.

HabitualLineStepper: I’d better cover this up before I end up in the backseat of a car with Hendo and Brad Penny.

And now, the winner, because every contest needs one:

(Props: UFC.com)

From Big Nog’s arm to Tito’s ribs, UFC 140 gave us more than its share of brutal moments. In case you forget what a nasty business this sport can be sometimes, take a look at the above post-fight photo of Lyoto Machida, who got split open, choked asleep, then unceremoniously dropped onto the canvas by Jon Jones. Enjoy your new scar, buddy. This guy knows what I’m talking about.

Your mission: Come up with a clever caption to the photo above, and submit it to the comments section below. We’ll pick a winner on Thursday who will receive a copy of Straw Dogs, which comes out on DVD and Blu-ray next week, and makes a perfect holiday gift, as long as you’re giving it to somebody who appreciates over-the-top violence. On second thought, you may just want to keep it for yourself…

After carefully analyzing the 150+ entries from last week’s Fear Factor contest, we’re ready to crown our latest Caption Contest Champion. But first, some honorable mentions…

Fried Taco: And that is how you clean up spilled ice.

J. Spaceman: ”You may be wondering why we’ve brought you to Stockton, CA. For your first stunt, you will be interviewing Nick Diaz. I understand if you want to drop out now.”

curlyroger: What happens after Steven Seagal teaches you how to light your fart.

wiv-honors: Evidently, avoiding ridiculous movie cliches is not a factor for Joe Rogan.

LOKI: Joe desperately tried to heed the advice of Lot, Oasis and Ace of Base.

Like a Bas: “Man, I hate that huge fireball guy. He’s such a douche, always setting fire to mountains and shit! Who does he think he is, what an assho…he’s behind me, isn’t he?”

Without further ado, your winners…

(That is some crazy, high-level arson. Props: Fear Factor on Facebook)

If we’ve learned anything from our Michael Bay DVD collection, it’s that calmly walking away from an explosion without even looking at it = ALPHA.

In honor of the stunt-packed and insect-infested return of  Fear Factor — which premieres December 12th on NBC — we thought we’d hold an impromptu caption contest, featuring host Joe Rogan totally ignoring whatever blew up behind him. Submit a clever caption to the comments section by Sunday night at midnight ET; we’ll pick three winners on Monday, who will receive CagePotato t-shirts. Good luck.

Related: Video: Fear Factor 2.0 Is F*cking Crazy

As expected, one little picture of Arianny Celeste kissing a genital/fruit statue really seemed to fire your imaginations. And yet, there were zero Mark Coleman references. Hmm. We’ve decided to award CagePotato t-shirts to the three best captions this photo produced. But first, some honorable mentions:

gpop727: I’m sure her father is so proud of his daughter and her healthy food choices

RWilsonR: This picture goes against all stereotypes I’ve heard about yellow penises.

OneMorePunchFujita: Brock Lesnar’s original tattoo choice.

Bob Reilly: That’s Lexington Peele right there.

Bob Reilly (again): Orange you glad she didn’t fuck banana?

And now the winners…

(Off camera, Mike Goldberg is just another golden-voiced hobo.)

This week’s caption contest brought in 235 entries — or about 140, if you take out all the spam comments and painfully obvious references to Menace II Society. After careful consideration, we’ve chosen three winners, who will be scoring new t-shirts from Ranger Up. But first, some honorable mentions…

Horror Fighter: With his camouflage coat, Goldberg was confident that he could steal Matt’s beer unseen.

FightZen: “Matt ‘The Law’ Lindland, is, unquestionably, the most accomplished beer drinker in the middleweight division.”

DangadaDang: One thing that’s amazing about Guinness beer is that its hoppiness is so…hoppy.

RWilsonR: “Hey Matt, want to see what’s on a meteoric rise right now? I’ll give you a hint… it’s in my pants.”

Naked Rear Poke: MG: Now, try not to look too shocked because I know he’s a LOT shorter in real life, but he’s a huge fan of yours. Matt, meet Eminem!
Naked Rear Poke (again): MG: Hey Matt, do you think this necklace makes me look less like someone with the surname ‘Goldberg’?

And now, your winners…

(“Alright ladies, now smile as if you have any f*cking clue what’s going on right now.”)

Thanks to everybody who entered this week’s caption contest, which produced over 200 entries, most of them pretty damn funny. And yet, only three of you will be earning t-shirts from Alchemist Clothing. Doesn’t seem fair, does it? Anyway, let’s begin with some honorable mentions…

destinationblood: All they had left at the Halloween store was stewardess costumes, Rambo guns and a Fred Flintstone tie.

J. Spaceman: Hey Frye, this is how a real man pads his record!

missedcue: Even elite MMA fighters need Apple tech support.

missedcue, again: Dana: “Yeah I guess that’s cool but you still ain’t getting into the Smasher Group.”

intercept440: GAY TEST: If you notice the inconspicous black guy in the back ground…I have some bad news for you.
[Ed. note: Or, if you noticed Tim's pants before anything else...]

Ajax Says: After what happened in the fifth grade, Tim swore he would never have a bad yearbook picture ever again.

MaxS: No ladies that’s NOT a gun in my pocket…that’s just what “Ranger Up” means.

Morningwood: Now THIS is how you raise 120 bucks!

And now, the big winners: