“This new driver we hired came THIS close to hitting a pole on his first delivery. Where’d we find this guy, anyways?”

Looks like Chael Sonnen isn’t done with Jon Jones just yet.

Still upset over Jones’ decision to turn down a fight against him in order to save UFC 151, Chael Sonnen decided that he’d at least make some money off of the situation. See, because unlike Jon Jones, Chael Sonnen is a businessman. His pizza parlor, Mean Street Pizza, now offers “The Jon Jones Special Pizza,” presumably for a limited time only. It isn’t exactly subtle, but it may be the best case of death by chicken since Henri M’Bongo.

Behold:

(Henderson, at the exact moment in his career he realized he could’ve had a V8.) 

Had he known that his knee injury would ultimately play a role in one of the most embarrasing moments in MMA history not involving Ken Shamrock [Author's note: Now THAT is how you make shameless plugs flow with the context of your article.], we’re sure Dan Henderson and his camp would have done things much, much differently. But be that as it may, you might be surprised to learn that Hendo actually injured his knee some three weeks ago, but simply didn’t have the heart to admit defeat until his final day of sparring. FightersOnly has the scoop, via Hendo’s coach, Daniel Woirin:

Dan Henderson got hurt three weeks ago during sparring when he went to defend a takedown and for a while he has to be away from training, for two to three weeks. It was very difficult for him to refuse the fight. All the team had to convince him not to do it. 

We did a final sparring yesterday to evaluate his condition and he really didn’t have the chance to fight with Jones. It is so depressing for everybody. Many things are involved in a high-level fight like this one, but unfortunately, this happened. 

Now, where the Hendo/Amurica fan in me wants to simply chalk this up as a classic case of a 41 year-old man being stubborn (I imagine Hendo said something along the lines of “them book-reading doctor pussies ain’t gonna tell me what to do” at one point), I simply can’t overlook the fact that Dan’s camp made a huge mistake in waiting until the very last minute to pull out of the fight.

WAIT, WAIT, DON’T TURN YOUR BACK ON ME! I’M NOT DOUBTING HENDO. JON JONES IS AN A-HOLE. ARE WE COOL AGAIN?

(Who wants to take a wild guess at how Bones vs. Belfort will end? Anyone?)

There may only be a matter of hours separating us from the UFC/Dana White/Jon Jones’ decision to cancel Christmas UFC 151, yet it somehow feels as if every conceivable angle has already been pondered, publicized, and pettifogged to an exhausting extent. Fingers have been pointed in every direction; some say Jon Jones is to blame, some Greg Jackson, while others, like Cory Braiterman of MMAMania, feel that Dana White is more or less scapegoating Bones in an attempt to disguise the fact that UFC 151′s supporting card, and in fact many of the UFC’s recent cards, are kind of garbage ass, as BG put it (by the way, garbage ass is phrase that needs to catch on).

Throw in a clusterfuck of bitchassness in the light heavyweight contender pool, and we’ve been left with a “pound-for-pound great” fighting a middleweight whose chance of victory is apparently worse than the chance that you would be attacked by a circus lion in a convenient store twice. On the same day. In two different convenience stores. Seriously, Jones was only listed at -475 in a rematch with Lyoto Machida, and is now listed as high as -1500 over Belfort.

That is some garbage ass, right there.

But the man who has been caught in the middle of all this hate, champion Jon Jones, had remained silent on the issue in the immediate aftermath, likely until Team Jackson could draft up an apology for him to make (ZING!). However, in an interview with MMAJunkie last night, Jones was both apologetic and steadfast regarding his decision.

His remarks, along with the latest in Chael Sonnen’s epic trolljob, are after the jump. 

(“Vitor, my brother, you must take this fight for me. I have, how you say, too much pussy.”)

Remember how badly Lyoto Machida wanted a rematch with Jon Jones? Well, he didn’t want it badly enough to fight Jones on a month’s notice. In the latest chapter of the UFC’s most bizarre storyline of 2012, it was revealed late last night by MMAFighting that Machida decided he needed more time to prepare for another title fight against the light-heavyweight champ, and has turned down the opportunity. Machida had briefly been scheduled to face Jones at UFC 152 on September 22nd. (Yes, we’re calling it UFC 152 again. “UFC 151 will be remembered as the event Jon Jones and Greg Jackson murdered,” according to UFC president Dana White.)

The UFC’s next choice for Jones’s opponent was, logically, Mauricio “Shogun” Rua, who also “won impressively” at UFC on FOX 4. But as Lance Pugmire of the LA Times tweeted, Shogun also turned down the fight. Unbelievable. And so, Dana’s hate list grows larger by the day.

But look, on the horizon…a savior. For some reason, middleweight contender Vitor Belfort was offered the chance to fight Jones at UFC 152, which he happily accepted. Said Belfort: “Where a lot of guys are acting like divas I think this is a big challenge for any fighter. I have all the respect for Jones. That’s why you can’t miss this competition. I will not let no one down. I come from the times of Carlson Gracie. He lives inside of me.” Belfort was originally slated to fight Alan Belcher at UFC 153 in Rio.

(You see this move, right here? PUSSY MAGNET.) 

There’s been a lot of talk regarding Jon Jones, Dan Henderson, and GOATS around here lately, but if any of the rumors circulating Twitter right now have any truth to them, we might just have to put that discussion on hold for a while. And although tweets from random sources don’t constitute truth, the sheer volume of them that have been sent out claiming that Henderson has suffered a knee injury in training are making us feel sick to our stomachs nonetheless. Take a look for yourselves:

Kenny Florian ?@kennyflorian
Hearing that we may have some disappointed @UFC fans soon due to some unfortunate circumstances for an upcoming card

Luke Thomas ?@SBNLukeThomas
@KCBanditMMA @jamiekilstein if what I’m hearing is correct, it’s so much worse than what is even being rumored on Twitter.

 Luke Thomas ?@SBNLukeThomas
@Jdiddy381 @KCBanditMMA @jamiekilstein again, I’m not talking about Hendo’s health when I say the matter is ‘worse’. Relax, people.

Jeremy Botter ?@jeremybotter
If what I’m hearing is correct, UFC 151 may be in desperate need of a main event. And that sucks.

Matt Lindland ?@mattlindland
Rumor? @MattHawryluk94: @tarecfighter rumor is Hendo is out with a knee injury, please tell me it is not true!

FrontRowBrian FrontRowBrian ?@FrontRowBrian
Rumor going around Hendo was injured by Thierry Sokoudjou at some point in this camp. Appears he’ll press on.. if he has to crawl to cage. 
Someone described the brace Hendo is wearing as a “Stone Cold Steve Austin brace”.

Again, we’re not writing this without first understanding the power of rumor, but considering some of the sources (Kenny Florian, Luke Thomas), we might be looking at either a severely hampered Hendo come next Saturday, or no Hendo at all. And who do you think the UFC would replace him with on such short notice? Surely not this guy, right? Or are all the pieces of our conspiracy puzzle falling into place exactly according to plan? MWAHAHAHAHA!!

(Realizing his impending doom, Chael signaled to his wife that her weekly sandwich quota would be doubling in the near future.) 

When it was originally announced that Chael Sonnen would be returning to the light heavyweight division to face Forrest Griffin at UFC 155, we took it as a classic case of a fighter changing weight classes in order to save his career. He had come up short in both his title shots at middleweight, and as Josh Koscheck would tell you if he was aware of it, the chances of any 0-2 fighter receiving a third shot against the same champion is next to impossible. And being that Chael fraking Sonnen is not a man who fights anything but marquee fights these days, his chances to make waves at 205 were clearly better than his chances at 185. The fact that he could barely even make the announcement without drawing Jon Jones into a Twitter war only confirms Sonnen’s devious intentions.

And as is usually the case, Chael was successful in drawing us out of the woodwork to throw his name in with the phrase “title shot,” whether it was in agreement or bitter disapproval of the idea. Because Sonnen is like the entire cast of a heist movie packed into one person when it comes to hustling in the MMA game, capable of releasing more red herrings, smoke signals, and false MacGuffins than Ocean’s Eleven through Thirteen combined. Hell, I immediately launched into a vast conspiracy theory in which Sonnen became the number one contender and Jones possibly faked injury in order to set up a fight between them down the line.

But I live in a world of paranoia, delusion, and fear. One that apparently many of you are living in as well, because in a recent appearance on Las Vegas’ “Dave and Mahoney” show, Dana White addressed the concerns that a lot of us are sharing, another undeserved title shot for Sonnen.

Dana’s remarks are after the jump. 

(Just bide your time, Chael, he’s gonna walk right into that kneebar any second now.) 

The current betting line on Forrest Griffin vs. Chael Sonnen is downright insane.

Say what you want about how Griffin has looked in the octagon as of late (Seriously, do it. Here are a few adjective suggestions: sluggish, apathetic, hairy, manic-depressive), but even we couldn’t have seen this coming. When it was announced a few days ago that Sonnen would making his return to 205 lbs at UFC 155 against FoGriff after being tarred and feathered coming up short in his rematch with Anderson Silva, we expected that he would open as a small favorite with the former Light Heavyweight champ, if not even. Despite Griffin’s aforementioned lack of firepower lately, especially considering he was riding the TRT train for his last bout, Forrest is pretty massive for a light heavyweight, and you know, already beat Sonnen once before. There is also the fact that Sonnen’s last fight in the UFC at light heavyweight ended in submission (you know which one), and that Griffin managed to catch him with that exact same submission in their first, etc…

In either case, we were dead wrong.

Currently, BestFightOdds has Sonnen listed at an even -300 over Griffin, which must be based entirely on their respective performances against Anderson Silva, with Sonnen lasting roughly six and a half rounds and Griffin lasting roughly three and a half minutes. But those were a long three and a half minutes, you guys, like watching the puppy you got for Christmas fall through the ice in your Grandma’s pond and drown in slow motion…on that very same Christmas.

Needless to say, if this blatant disrespect doesn’t light a fire under Griffin’s ass, nothing will. We feel like we’ve typed that a lot lately.

Is that line as bad as we’re making it out to be? Join us after the jump for a good old fashioned head-to-head breakdown to see if our outrage is justified.

(Is there anything that Nick Newell can’t do? NO EYE CONTACT! Props: TheRealClayHenry via Karmaatemycat)

- Kedzie Overcame Eating Disorder to Become Women’s MMA Contender (SI.com)

- Javier Mendez Says “The Team Got Stronger After Koscheck Left” (Fightline)

- Why Chael Sonnen At Light Heavyweight is Great for MMA (HeavyMMA)

- Sarah Kaufman Training Camp Journal [VIDEO] (MMAFighting)

- The Rock and Gina Carano on the Set of ‘Fast 6′ (Facebook.com/CagePotato)

- GSP: “I Didn’t Have the Drive Anymore, I Lost a Little Bit of Love for MMA” (BleacherReport/MMA)

- Celebrities With Front Butts [GALLERY] (WorldWideInterweb)

- Bryce Harper Tells Kids to ‘Be as Sexy as You Can’ (TerezOwens)

- Amazing Photos of Lightning Storms Over 25 Cities (EgoTV)

- Official Trailer for ‘Ghost Tits,’ Starring Olivia Munn (TurdFergusonBlog)

- How To Break Up With Class (I.E. Not Discuss What An Emotional Vampire Your Ex Was) (MadeMan)

- Can Long-Distance Travel Make You Sick? (MensFitness)

- The Six Saddest Places Penises Have Had to Be Freed From (HolyTaco)

(“Nothing comes between me and my Baconator. Nothing.”)

By Jason Moles

In the ever-competitive world of professional mixed martial arts, the men and women are fighting for more than just the fans and their next paycheck; they’re fighting for survival. When you barely have enough money left for yourself after paying your training partners, coaches, and buying nutritional supplements, it’s time to find another source of income. Most do this in the way of sponsorships — you know, like the Nike deal Jon Jones recently signed, or Anderson Silva’s relationship with Burger King. And if more of these well-known mainstream companies would sponsor a few fighters, the smaller companies that currently sponsor fighters could move to guys and gals who are still making their way up the ranks without anyone losing out. Let’s look at the companies that best suit MMA, how they should be involved, and why it makes sense.

Company: Old Spice
Ideal fighter to sponsor: Cheick Kongo, Alistair Overeem

Why it makes sense: Standing 6′ 4″ and weighing 230 pounds, and 6′ 5″/263, respectively, the Frenchman and the Dutchman are the most physically imposing fighters in the UFC’s heavyweight division. Old Spice is known for their funny commercials targeting the same audience watching PPV’s on a Saturday night. In the past, Old Spice has used NFL players Brian Urlacher and Ray Lewis as spokesman for their ‘Swagger’ line of men’s body products, as well as jacked Expendables cast-member Terry Crews. And if those guys can do it, why not Kongo and Overeem? In particular, “The Demolition Man” is the type of guy you want your customers to think they’ll be more like by using your product. Alistair could even make his commercial debut by eating the horse the original Old Spice Guy rode in on.

(When all else fails, a hypogonadism burn is always a solid standby.) 

Apparently Jon Jones is unaware that Chael Sonnen is a fight promoter first, troll second, and actual fighter third. Be that as it may, “Bones” must have really took to heart the relatively light bit of trash-talking Sonnen aimed in the champ’s direction when announcing his return to the light-heavyweight division on UFC Tonight, as he has already responded, then deleted, several scathing remarks aimed at the former middleweight title challenger via Twitter, because of course he did.

If we’ve learned anything about what arguments over Twitter inevitably lead to, we’re probably going to need a bigger facepalm and a fresh pair of trousers for one of these gentlemen in the near future.

The rest of Jones’ comments are after the jump.