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The hope of a Ronda Rousey vs. Cristiane “Cris Cyborg” Santos superfight in the UFC may have just gone up in smoke, for good this time. According to Cyborg’s manager — a bespectacled fellow by the name of Tito “The Brain” Ortiz — the formerly-feared Brazilian striker has officially refused to drop to 135 pounds to compete in the Octagon, and she’ll now be seeking opportunities elsewhere. Here’s what Ortiz had to say last night on Inside MMA:

Right now, we’re actually waiting for [the] UFC to release [Cyborg]. We asked for them to release her, so Dana White actually talked to me yesterday. They gave an offer, I went to Cyborg and she said she didn’t want to do it—and we just asked for her release.

Since [the UFC] isn’t doing a 145-pound weight class, what else can they do? Now, she’s going to be released. Maybe we’ll go look somewhere else and you can see Cyborg crush another woman’s face in.

As Ortiz tells it, Cyborg was willing to drop to 140 to meet Rousey at a catchweight — though not until her fourth fight in the UFC for some reason — but cutting an additional five pounds would be physically impossible for Cyborg, and the UFC didn’t want to budge on the point. (Women carry less water-weight, and can’t cut as much weight as men, Dr. Ortiz explained.) Now, the only female MMA superfight available isn’t happening, which is also a serious blow for the future of women’s MMA in the UFC. How long will fans care about a division that only features one star?

(If you are implying that this photo has anything to do with odds…you’re probably right.) 

You’ve gotta love the kind of needless analysis and ridiculous speculation that the Internet era has brought to modern sports. Despite the fact that the Ronda Rousey vs. Cristiane Cyborg fight is still trapped in MMA purgatory, the mere possibility of the matchup is apparently enough for several gambling sites around the MMA blogosphere to start laying out the betting lines for what could be the biggest fight in WMMA history. If it ever happens.

Currently, the women’s bantamweight champion is listed between a -160 to -170 favorite over the former featherweight champ on various sports gambling sites. Sure, Cristiane hasn’t fought in nearly a year since she was stripped of her title for a positive steroids test, and Ronda hasn’t met a challenger with anywhere near the kind of devastating knockout power that Cyborg possesses, but who are we to judge the motives of our cyber-bookie overlords?

(R.I.P Mike in Brazil.) 

Fearection: 1) Sexual arousal combined with a feeling of intimidation and uncertainty, generally provoked by powerful/forceful women who are physically attractive. 2) The act of God himself striking fear into your erection. 3) An erection rooted in an unexpected response to the fight or flight mechanism.

One of these definitions, or perhaps a little bit of each of them, best described our reaction when we came upon these recent pictures of former Strikeforce women’s featherweight champion Christiane “Cyborg” Santos Justino. Because, although our immediate reaction to hearing that the newly single Cyborg was snapped by Globo.com in a series of bikini shots was to shut down our computers, throw them from the top of the highest building in town, and renounce the Internet for life, after actually taking a look at them, we must say that she is looking rather…healthy (?) these days. Sure, it’s not going to get your engine revving like a Gina Carano GQ shoot, but dare we say that Cyborg almost looks doable in a couple of these (Ed note: We know, that statement is now committed to the Internet archives forever). Looks like you done fucked up, Evangelista.

Check out a full gallery of her photos after the jump. Don’t worry, it’s not with our picture viewer. 

DISCLAIMER: This feature is purely a satirical piece- you know, like the title explicitly states. Any references to real people and events are purely for comedic effect. Nothing you are about to read is actual news, and no quotes used in this article are authentic quotes. In short, don’t take anything you are about to read as a real news story.

Anheuser-Busch respects women, and would never support sexism in any way.

The family-friendly Anheuser-Busch corporation has just been turned upside down. Former Bud Light mascot Spuds MacKenzie has been found guilty in the state of Nevada of sexually harassing multiple women while employed by Anheuser-Busch. Furthermore, Anheuser-Busch is being investigated for its role in MacKenzie’s crimes, as victims say that the harassment was not only encouraged by fellow employees, but that the victims were vehemently discouraged from filing complaints while they were employed by the company.

The charges against MacKenzie read like the sex-depraved fantasies of a thirteen year old boy. Among them include the complaints of Carol Grey, who played the role of “Hot Blond Chick” in many Bud Light commercials. Grey revealed that MacKenzie would repeatedly order her to smack him on the ass during commercial shoots, as well as force her to publically praise MacKenzie’s sexual conquests on numerous occasions.

Shocking videos of the harassment available after the jump.

(See, Gabrielle was right. Dreams CAN come true.)

If you started to give up hope that you would ever stand a chance of marrying a female MMA fighter since Miesha Tate and Ronda Rousey are taken and Gina is probably banging busy doing press tours with the cast of Haywire, your Monday is about to get a whole lot better.

Cristiane Santos announced via UOL today that she and her husband Evangelista been living single since December and it sounds like the chances of a reconciliation are about as slim as the odds of testing positive for steroids from a tainted supplement.

So Ronda Rousey was on some program called Attack of the Show the other night, and the first thing we gotta say is daaaaaaammmnnnn. We’ve been hearing blasphemous claims of Ronda being a 5 at best around here as of late, and it’s time to squash this beef. Anyone who claims this woman is below a 7 must either email us a photo of their current or previous girlfriend, or send one to our Twitter or Facebook page. Otherwise…LIFETIME BAN.

Now that we’ve moved past her body, perhaps we can discuss her mind, as it is beginning to look like the witty, boisterous apparition that once inhabited Chael Sonnen has chosen Ronda as its next victim. Rousey, despite never fighting at bantamweight, is currently listed as a 4-to-1 favorite over current champ Meisha Tate, and the hype might just be getting to her head. When asked on how dangerous she saw herself, Rousey responded:

I think I am the most dangerous unarmed woman on the planet. [Looks to audience] I could literally kill every single person in this room with my bare hands if I had them one at a time. I wouldn’t do that, but I’m just saying, I could do it. 

(Sorry Cyborg, you can’t come.) 

Many of you are likely familiar with a Brazilian based promotion called Jungle Fight; through it we have witnessed Jose Aldo’s only professional loss, Machida vs. Bonnar, and the humble beginnings of such fighters as Paulo Thiago, Thales Leites, and Ronaldo Souza. Created and currently run by former fighter Wallid Ismail, Jungle Fight has grown to become a regular feature of ESPN Deportes, and will be looking to branch out into the world of women’s mixed martial arts when it debuts an all woman promotion, audaciously labeled Pink Fight MMA, on January 29th.

That’s right. Pink Fight MMA.

The card will feature six fights and is headlined by a 125 pound clash between 4-2 Shooto veteran Maria Elisabete “Beth” Tavares and 2-3-1 muay Thai striker Kalindra Carvalho Faria. The affair will transpire at the Descobrimento Cultural Event Center in Porto Seguro, Bahia, Brazil. Ismail released a statement on the promotion’s big debut, declaring that, “I’m sure that Pink Fight will reveal new talents and encourage other women to become professional fighters.” Truly a man of his word, Pink Fight’s official website has already begun accepting applications, so if you have a little sister in need of a disciplinary lesson that simply cannot be taught in the household, sign them up today.

If you’re anything like us, then your obsession with the gorgeous and deadly Ronda Rousey has grown greater with each passing day. You’ve likely written no less than twenty Shakespearean sonnets declaring your love for the woman, and though you won’t admit it, in the back of your mind you know that this obsession is destined to end with a restraining order and a harai goshi to boot.

The video, taken from one of Ms. Rousey’s recent training sessions, demonstrates a couple of the “impact conditioning” exercises the Olympic Judoka goes through on a daily basis. Now that she’s been rallying for a match against Strikeforce women’s featherweight champion Christiane “Cyborg” Santos, we imagine the purpose of this drill is to prevent our girl from immediately BM’ing after eating one of the champ’s ruthless body shots. Good luck, Ronda, because being in the same room as Cyborg is enough to make us try out our best Tim Sylvia impression. <— WE WILL NEVER STOP MAKING THIS JOKE.

The UFC’s reluctance to put on female fights became a topic for discussion on Tuesday’s Elite XC conference call. Shayna Baszler and Christiane Cyborg, who will square off on the CBS portion of the card, each had different though equally telling responses:

QUESTION: When asked if he has any interest in setting up any female divisions in the UFC, Dana White politely questioned the depth of talent. What is your response to that?

Shayna Baszler: I don’t care what Dana White has to say. If he wants to question the depth of talent; that is just going to give companies like EliteXC one more thing to tap into that he’s not. He wants to question the depth of the female division, but every fight, every female fight that ProElite has put on has been a showcase of women’s talent and has been “fight of the night” type material. If he wants to give that avenue to others to pursue, then, fine. The more the merrier. I don’t care. I just want to fight the best. I don’t know, if he wants to question that, then I’d question the talent of his heavyweight division.

Cristiane Cyborg: I’d love to fight Dana White to show him how tough women are.

Oh, snap! Ok, not really. He never questioned their toughness, which makes me think Cyborg misunderstood the question, and there is probably just as much reason to question the depth of women’s MMA as there is to question the depth of the UFC’s current heavyweight division, so we’ll rule that one a tie for the moment.