By CagePotato contributor Kipp Tribble

In a literary achievement that will surely rival Ulysses, A Confederacy of Dunces, and How to Make Love Like a Porn Star, Penguin Group has announced that it will release Chuck Liddell’s autobiography Iceman: My Fighting Life on January 29th. We’re just as shocked as you are. Chad Millman co-authored the 320-page tome — and by “co-authored,” we’re guessing they mean “authored” — as he did with Vincent Papale for Invincible. Enjoy a piece of Chuck’s eloquence from the book jacket:

“I learned how to fight at a very young age. Now I’m 6’2″, 220 pounds, and a trained lethal weapon, but I’m also fiercely loyal, maybe even a bit sensitive, and unexpectedly romantic. In raw detail, and with total honesty, I’m going to tell you the story of my fighting life—both inside and outside the Octagon—including my childhood in the poor section of Santa Barbara…”

Um, Iceman, we haven’t been punched in the head as many times as you, so don’t try to con us into thinking Santa Barbara has any poor sections. We haven’t seen the chapter list for MFL yet, but we’re pretty sure we can guess:

Chapter 1: Mommy, Why Don’t We Have a Dishwasher?

Chapter 2: In Which I Learn How to Party

Chapter 3: The Mohawk — A DIY Manual

Chapter 4: Cough Syrup, My Cruel Mistress

Chapter 5: Dana White Gives Good Back Rubs

Chapter 6: Models and Bottles — The Good Years

Chapter 7: Did You See Me on Entourage?

Chapter 8: Rampage Gets Lucky

Chapter 9: Unexpected Romance — A Guide to Strippers and Fight-Groupie Skanks

Chapter 10: Rampage Gets Luckier

Chapter 11: Yep, Still Partying

Chapter 12: Wisdom I’ve Acquired By Talking to Anthony Robbins and Getting Incredibly Fucking Drunk

Right now, as you go about the normal activities of your day, Quinton Jackson is praying his ass off that Chuck Liddell beats Wanderlei Silva at UFC 79. Because if Silva wins, he’ll probably be next in line after Forrest Griffin to challenge Rampage for the light-heavyweight title, and if that happens, there might be a repeat of the brutality that befell the current UFC light-heavy champ at the Pride “Final Conflict” Grand Prix in November 2003. If you have the stomach for it, watch the video below (and turn down your speakers now, because the soundtrack is dreadful):

Their re-match a year later ended the exact same way. Now we know why Rampage occasionally sounds developmentally disabled…

— Chuck Liddell asked motivational guru Tony Robbins to help him regain his success drive (Top of page 2). Robbins refused, saying “I am not a slut, or a prostitute.” Kidding, unfortunately…

— Effective immediately, the California State Athletic Commission will include MDMA (Ecstasy) and Oxycodone in its testing for drugs of abuse. Which is completely ridiculous, if you ask me. If anything, ecstasy is a drug of love and caring.

— Speaking of controlled substances, Sean Sherk’s steroid appeal hearing is scheduled for tomorrow. If it’s postponed again, Sherk will surely fly into a ‘roid rage that won’t end until all the tables in his house are broken in half and all the walls have holes punched in them. I mean, allegedly.

— Xyience has fired most of its sales staff due to financial setbacks, and may soon file for bankruptcy. Let’s hope that Quinton Jackson needs some good reps to move his energy drink.

— Drunk jackasses fail to recognize Aleksander Emelianenko, at their own peril!

(The Iceman, seen here training hard for his upcoming bout against that guy who knocked out Quinton Jackson twice.)

In Chuck’s defense, this is exactly the way Wanderlei’s going to come at him.

From an interview with undefeated WEC middleweight champ Paulo Filho on Tatame.com.br, run through a translator by Five Ounces O’Pain:

You received proposal to train Chuck Liddell. Did you accept the proposal?
I would never train with an American to fight with a Brazilian. I am not a slut, or a prostitute. We are we against the foreigners.

To see how Filho responds to such insightful questions as “What the Chael Sonnen finds of?” and “How the weight is?”, read on…

If you were avoiding computers and televisions as much as I was since Wednesday, you may also be unaware of the following:

— Josh Koscheck has been scheduled to fight at UFC 82 (which, as previously reported, will be headlined by a championship match between Anderson Silva and Dan Henderson). Koscheck’s last fight was a unanimous decision loss to Georges St. Pierre at UFC 74 in August. Though follow welterweight contender/American Kickboxing Academy teammate Jon Fitch is also scheduled to be on the UFC 82 card, the two are not expected to face each other.

— Matt Arroyo and George Sotiropoulos advanced to the semi-finals on The Ultimate Fighter, sending home Troy Mandaloniz and Richie Hightower, both via armbar. Matt Serra’s retarded logic principles prevented him from cornering his fighters during the matches, but he showed up to beat Hughes in the coaches’ challenge, out-bowling his rival in the final frame. In a heartbreaking display, Mandaloniz broke down in tears before his fight, then marched out to the ring wearing a t-shirt that said “I CAN”; unfortunately, he couldn’t. Richie shaved off his stupid mall-punk hair, and looked surprisingly tough in his match with George; instead of sobbing in his bunk bed a la John Kolosci, Richie actually looked encouraged after his loss. On the next episode, Ben Saunders takes on Tommy Speer, and a prank goes too far!

— Four bouts were made official for the TUF finale’s undercard.

— The IFL World Grand Prix Finals on 12/29 will air live on HDNet, as part of a new agreement that will have HDNet broadcasting IFL events starting next year.

— Chuck Liddell filmed this ridiculous/brilliant commercial for Dell:

The drug abuse continues at CagePotato…

This went down back in March, so apologies if you’ve seen it already, but I just came across the clip of Chuck Liddell’s disastrous appearance on Good Morning Texas, where he was promoting, of all things, the movie 300. Liddell slurs like a stroke victim through the entire excruciating segment, calls out boxer Tommy Morrison for a fight, and at one point falls asleep. Live television, people:

Afterwards, Liddell claimed he was suffering through a sinus infection and had taken a large amount of cough syrup the night before. (In Texas, they call that purp or drank.)

Host Gary Cogill gives his post-interview thoughts here. “What a day in television…what a day.”

Hey, you remember how Chuck Liddell and Rich Franklin always used to appear in Xyience commericals, and now they don’t so much anymore? Well, as Adam Swift reports on Sherdog, the two UFC stars terminated their endorsement deals due to Xyience’s non-payment. Forrest Griffin, Josh Koscheck, Mike Swick and Cung Le were also short-changed by the nutritional supplement company, though all the fighters (including Liddell and Franklin) report that they’ve now been paid in full.

The Xyience website continues to feature fighters who have left the company, including Matt Hughes (who wasn’t happy with Xyience’s performance and now shills for Nutritox*) and Sean Sherk, who blames Xyience’s Xtreme Joint Formula for his positive test for the anabolic steroid 1-androstendione. Interestingly, no fighter has blamed their split with the company on the fact that the Cran Razz energy drink tastes like rotten piss.

Despite everything, Xyience has managed to sign a three-year extension on its exclusive partnership with the UFC. Says Dana White: “We look forward to our future endeavors together as both of our companies continue their explosive growth.” Anyway, read the article for all the details.

* Special to Matt Hughes: I’m not sure I’d trust a nutritional line with the suffix “tox” in its name. You know how Botox is short for “Botulinum toxin”? It’s basically a paralytic poison. Which works for wrinkles, apparently, but I’m not sure how a toxin would benefit your muscular/cardiovascular systems. Anyway, you’d better do some more homework on the stuff, because Matt Serra just signed a contract with Vitideath and he’s looking HUGE.