(In a rare misstep for Guida, he had no idea that the beer bong he was offered actually contained Four Loko. There were no survivors.) 

It seems that you can’t come across an MMA interview these days that doesn’t bring up the Alistair Overeem situation. The phrase “testosterone replacement therapy” has been thrown around in more MMA blogs within the past month than the name “Tim Tebow” on your average Sportscenter episode, and that’s saying something. Is it a coincidence that both phrases emphasize the “T” sound? We think not.

Being the laid back, no worries, Winnebago-loving kind of guy that Clay Guida is, he was much more willing to forgive Overeem when speaking to MMAWeekly about the situation yesterday, believing that a lot of the blame should be placed on that of his coaches. And in case you’re wondering, he managed to relate the situation to the lion-esque mange that sits atop his head:

Yeah, Alistair not knowing that there is testosterone in his vitamins, is like me not knowing what kind of conditioner I’m putting in my hair. I’m not going to put the complete blame on him, I’m going to put it on his coaches, and, maybe not his team necessarily, but his trainer and this and that and whoever maybe slipped him a Mickey or whatever you want to call it. I’m a fan of the guy, don’t get me wrong, but, I think they had plans elsewhere or whatever it may be, but, it’s a bummer that the main event in one of the biggest cards of the year is going to be kind of tampered with, just because you know, they got careless and maybe they didn’t have all the belief in themselves, so. I just stick with my regular stuff. The fruits and vegetables, fish oils, glucose and stuff like that you know? I’ve never been big on supplements on stuff like that you know? I just take natural stuff.

Fish oil, eh? And here we thought he was drinking whiskey shooters and vodka cranberries this whole time.

It turns out that fellow lightweight contender Mark Bocek, ever the stickler, was not too pleased that Overeem received only 9 months for his botched surprise drug test, going as far as to say that any fighter needing TRT (or marijuana for that matter), shouldn’t be fighting in the first place:

(“I ain’t Leonard Garcia, pal.”)

Another New Jersey native has been added to the UFC’s upcoming FX 4 card set for this summer in Atlantic City.

Jimy Hettes (10-0), the undefeated 24-year-old featherweight phenom who impressed us all in his first two UFC bouts, trouncing TUF veterans Alex Caceres and Nam Phan, will join fellow New Jerseyans Dan Miller, Nick Catone and Rich Attonito on the June 22 card.

(“I’d like to see that old greeter try to tell me I can’t come in.”)

We’re starting to think that maybe Clay Guida is allergic to shirts, since it’s rare that we ever see him in one.

In spite of Walmart’s strict, “no shirt, no shoes, no service” rule, the Carpenter recently thumbed his nose at the big box store’s customer dress code policy in Missouri to pick up some supplies for another undoubtedly epic weekend of debauchery in his shaggin’ wagon.

(I’ll take “Injuries that make me reconsider my line of work” for a thousand, Alex.) 

Good morning, Potato Nation. As we’re all still nursing hangovers from this weekend’s festivities and trying to cope with the fact that there will be no more The Walking Dead until next fall, let’s start the day off with a bit of light reading.

Firstly, a math teacher from Ohio and a movie star from South Vietnam have been booked to throw down at UFC 148, which features the completion of the Dominick Cruz/Urijah Faber trilogy as its headliner, and goes down from the MGM Grand in Las Vegas on June 7th.

What’s that, you say? Rich Franklin is also a movie star and Cung Le could probably teach math? Well, there’s no room for that kind of intolerance around here, especially not this early in the morning, so we suggest you pull your heads out of your collective asses. Besides, Rich Franklin is definitely not a movie star.

This will be Franklin’s first fight at middleweight since April of 2008, when he dispatched TUF 4 winner Travis Lutter via second round TKO back at UFC 83. In fact, it’s been a while since we’ve seen “Ace” in the octagon at all. After dropping a unanimous decision to Forrest Griffin at UFC 126, Franklin was expected to face Antonio Rogerio Nogueria at UFC 133. The bout was cancelled, however, after Nogueria suffered a last minute injury, and a subsequent shoulder injury forced Franklin into surgery in October.

Cung Le appeared to be destined for victory in his UFC debut match against Wanderlei Silva at UFC 139 last November, picking apart the former PRIDE middleweight champ with his patented arsenal of San Shou kicks throughout the first round. But as in his fight with Scott Smith at Strikeforce: Evolution, Le would snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, eating one knee too many in the second round and dropping his second career loss to “The Axe Murderer” in the second round of their co-headlining scrap. Also similar to the Smith fight would be the horrific nose injury that Le would walk away with.

In other fight booking news…

CagePotato Roundtable is a new recurring column in which the CagePotato writing staff (and some of our friends) share their opinions on an MMA-related topic, and hopefully inspire some discussion among our readers as well. For the inaugural installment, we took inspiration from Joe Rogan’s enthusiastic crowning of last weekend’s Tim Boetch vs. Yushin Okami fight as “the greatest comeback in the history of the UFC.” That’s debatable, to say the least — but isn’t everything? So what *was* the greatest comeback fight in MMA history?

Seth Falvo
When Joe Rogan first called The Barbarian’s victory the greatest comeback in UFC history, my first thought was “Come on, Joe, are you seriously the only MMA fan who hasn’t seen Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira vs. Bob Sapp?” That comeback exposed Sapp for the overhyped freak that he was while establishing the legend of Big Nog and his ability to come from behind to win fights. Hell, we at Cagepotato consider it to be the best freak show fight to ever come out of Japan. But in fairness to Joe Rogan, that fight didn’t take place in the UFC. So my second thought was “Come on, Joe, are you seriously the only UFC fan who hasn’t seen Mike Russow vs. Todd Duffee?”

What makes this comeback so great was the fact that Todd Duffee and Mike Russow were essentially photo negatives of each other. Before this fight, Duffee was destined to be the next big thing in the UFC’s heavyweight division, having just tied the record for the fastest knockout in UFC history in his promotional debut against Tim Hague. Duffee was on the cover of Muscle & Fitness, the poster boy for Muscletech and seemingly in every men’s magazine on the planet — no matter how loosely the content was related to sports. Meanwhile, Russow was quietly coming off of a unanimous decision victory over Justin McCully in his UFC debut and had more fat in his left bicep than Todd Duffee had in his entire body. Everything about this fight seemed like it was a squash match.

(Hover-hands… making UFC fighters not seem like germophobes since 1993.)

We realized we haven’t had a good old fashioned caption contest in a while, so to make it up to you guys we figured we’d do three for the price of one. That way you can pick your favorite photo to mercilessly carve, rather than having us disappoint you by choosing one that dries out your creative juices. And you say that we never listen.

You know the drill. Come up with your best captions for these three Tracy Lee photos from last weekend’s “It Ain’t Chemo” fundraiser. Best one for each pic gets a CP devil horns or HOF T-shirt. One prize limit per entrant.

And….GO!

(It is a little known myth that if you tickle a Shrexican behind the ear, he will fall under your spell forever.)

The California State Athletic Commission released the official fighter salaries for UFC on FOX earlier today, and if you were a follower of June White’s theory that Dana sold his soul to the Devil for the Fox deal, then this is all the evidence you’ll need. The total (disclosed) fighter payroll came out to exactly $666,000. The proof is in the pudding, folks. Start drafting up your PowerPoint conspiracy reports now.

Snatching up nearly half of that payroll, newly crowned heavyweight champ Junior Dos Santos not only walked away with the gold and the glory, but the cash and the girl (Props, Boo) as well. Earning 3,437 dollars per second, Dos Santos collected a $220,000 paycheck that took less effort than a supporting role in an animated kids movie.

The only other fighter even close to Dos Santos in terms of salary was that of his victim, Cain Velasquez, who took home an even $100,000 for his efforts. Check out the full salary list below. Keep in mind, these figures are void of any locker room bonuses, fight bonuses, sponsorships, or any other nonsense.

 
(A classic battle of style vs. SUBstance.)

Fresh off his upset Submission of the Night victory over Melvin Guillard at UFC 136, Joe Lauzon was quick to respond when called out by former WEC lightweight champion Anthony Pettis, who scored a decision victory over Jeremy Stephens at the same event. Well it looks like “Showtime” will be getting his wish, as the two have been booked to lock horns at UFC 144, in what could easily be a Fight of the Night match-up. Prior to their 136 victories, Lauzon scored a quick and nasty kimura victory over Kurt Warburton at UFC Live 4 whereas Pettis was wrestlefucked into oblivion by Clay Guida at the TUF 13 Finale in June. This is the point where I’d normally say that a victory here would rocket either man near the top of the lightweight ladder, but considering that the division is currently more crowded than a So-Cal Quinceanera, let’s just say that a victory here will keep either man…from losing.

Well, we didn’t have a correct answer for the UFC on Fox Fight-Picking Contest, but we had several close ones.

Unfortunately we only have one prize, so the closest answer gets “Heart,” the cool MMA-themed comic-book mini-series by writer Blair Butler and artist Kevin Mellon.

By Jason Moles

As ESPN’s Bill Simmons tweeted, the UFC lost its network virginity to FOX and it was over in a matter of seconds – just like real life. Similarly, for most of you, there seemed to be that same awkward feeling afterwards where you’re not sure if should zip up and head home to catch Sports Center or if she expects you to spoon with her until the early morning light reveals what she looks like when you’re sober. Regardless of what decision is made you can be certain that from this moment forth, life will never be the same. Ever.

It’s done – over. You can’t change anything even if you wanted to, like what you screamed as the finish came about. This is probably in your best interest seeing as how you’ll need money if you want her to stay around, at least more money than you currently have. Women love when you shower them with tokens of your affection so you should really pay attention to this next part. So crack open that portfolio and let’s play another round of ‘Buy, Sell, Hold’ in the MMA Stock Market.

Junior dos Santos – Buy it like they’re giving it away for free.

“Cigano” defeated the previously unbeaten UFC heavyweight in one minute and four seconds to capture the belt – with a torn meniscus. With only sixty-four seconds to analyze, it is hard to point out anything we didn’t already know like getting hit by JDS may be hazardous to your health. Any way you want to slice it, it all turns out the same; dos Santos is here to stay.

Knock it off, you two. We said “Gif Party”, not “Punch Face Party“! (Props: Cagewriter/Tracy Lee)

It’s not everyday that we’re treated to “the biggest fight in the history of the sport”, and even rarer that a single gif covers the pre-fight warm up, the bout, the post-fight celebration, and the after party at Ghost Bar. That calls for a GIF party. Though the sole focus of last night’s UFC on FOX event yielded precious little in terms of motion-picture awesomeness, the fighters relegated to the dark corners of social media came through in spades.

Join us after the jump for an incredible collection of throws, slams, submissions, knock outs, spinning everythings, and even some good old fashioned mid-fight showboating.

(Thanks to Zombie Prophet, as usual, for the gifs)

The shorts don’t lie. (Pic: UFC.com)

In the weeks leading up to last night’s Heavyweight Championship bout, Dana White trumpeted that “whether this fight goes 30 seconds or 30 minutes, this is going to be a fight right here.” It was a fight, and it was slightly longer than 30 seconds, but in the post fight analysis Dana appeared frustrated and was searching for a reason that his champion went down so quickly. With all of the buildup and hype, I can’t help but think that first time viewers were equally confused and found the whole affair to be anticlimactic. Were that all the action we got to see last night, we’d probably be disappointed as well, but thank god for Facebook.

With regards to the main event, there’s not a lot to say, really. Junior Dos Santos hits hard. Cain’s game plan has been under attack, but it’s not like he got butchered on his feet for two rounds while doggedly refusing to shoot for a single. Velasquez got nailed with a huge overhand right just 55 seconds into the bout after already trying unsuccessfully for a takedown. Obviously, getting Dos Santos off of his feet quickly would have been Cain’s best option, but for a versatile heavyweight fighting under the brightest lights ever shone on a UFC fighter, shooting in for a Couture-Toney ankle pick with the opening bell still ringing wouldn’t do. Props to Dos Santos for getting it done quickly and violently in the Knock Out of the Night. It wasn’t the most epic fight that the UFC and FOX could have hoped for, but it was a memorable one. That Dos Santos did it with a torn meniscus is all the more impressive.

          When you see it…                                   PicProps: MMAJunkie.com 

Alright Nation, we are on the brink of what is possibly the most important event in human history since ever.  We stress the word “possibly” in that sentence, so no silly hate mail about Steve Guttenberg inventing the bench press, or whatever.  And please, don’t talk to us about the historic impact of the so-called “moon landing”.  Everyone knows that the whole Apollo mission was filmed on a sound stage in Arizona.

This historic event will be broadcast live on a major network to a bajillion people, so it’s not even really a contest.  Two large men will fight for money and everyone and their Nana can watch; if Jesus shows up tonight in a tuxedo t-shirt we wouldn’t be surprised in the slightest.  It’s such a huge deal that the UFC is basically giving Fox just the tip to see how it feels, airing just one fight off of a pretty sweet ten-fight lineup.

Come around and hang out with us for all the fights, because you know we’re going to have you covered, Nation.  Fights start at 4:45ET on Facebook and FoxSports.com, the big-deal television show kicks off at 9ET.

Oh, and hit “Refresh” frequently, since everyone seems to tell people to do that.

[RX]

It’s been a long road, ladies and gentlemen, but it seems the time of network television MMA not involving Kimbo Slice and a screaming Gus Johnson is finally upon us. UFC on Fox kicks off at 9 o’clock tomorrow night, and for those of you who are looking to get some last minute gambling in, well, allow us to help you scratch that itch. Check out the betting lines, courtesy of BestFightOdds, along with our Morgan Freeman-eqsue advice on what to do below.

Main Card/Event:
Cain Velasquez (-175) vs. Junior Dos Santos (+155)

Preliminary Card
Benson Henderson (-260) vs. Clay Guida (+220)
Dustin Poirier (-300) vs. Pablo Garza (+250)
Aaron Rosa (-140) vs. Matt Lucas (+120)
Mike Pierce (-340) vs. Paul Bradley (+280)
Mackens Sermizer (-115) vs. Robert Peralta (-105)
DaMarques Johnson (-270) vs. Clay Harvison (+230)
Norifumi Yamamoto (-360) vs. Darren Uyenoyama (+300)
Ricardo Lamas (-145) vs. Cub Swanson (+125)
Cole Escovedo (-260) vs. Alex Caceres (+220)

(Fun fact: Clay Guida has never owned a single piece of silverware.)

According to a new report from MMA Junkie, the UFC plans to give the winner of tomorrow night’s UFC on FOX bout between Clay Guida and Ben Henderson a title shot against lightweight champion Frankie Edgar. Sources indicate that the fight would likely take place at UFC 144 (February 26; Saitama, Japan).

Unfortunately, Guida vs. Henderson won’t be part of the “Velasquez vs. Dos Santos” TV broadcast — which kicks off at 9 p.m. ET / 6 p.m. PT on FOX — but viewers can watch it as part of the undercard stream on Facebook and FOXSports.com. Currently, Henderson (-250) is a strong favorite over Guida (+236).

(Video courtesy of TheScore)

Strikeforce play-by-play commentator and MMA reporter Mauro Ranallo caught up with Dana White following yesterday’s UFC on FOX 1 press conference in Los Angeles and as usual, the always outspoken UFC president had a lot to say.

Check out the brass tacks of the interview after the jump.

Last Wednesday marked the official debut of Heart, a comic-book miniseries by writer Blair Butler and artist Kevin Mellon that follows an aimless office drone’s quest to discover his life’s purpose through MMA. I read the first issue last weekend and thought it was a great story, and another positive representation of the sport in entertainment culture. (See also: Warrior, Tiki Ghosn’s appearance on Blind Date.) So pick it up on your next trip to the comic shop, okay?

The four-issue series will be released monthly through February — and we can hook one of you up with the whole thing. To get it, you’ll have to accurately predict the results of UFC on FOX‘s featured fight this Saturday (heavyweight champion Cain Velasquez vs. #1 contender Junior Dos Santos), as well as the lightweight clash between Clay Guida and Ben Henderson that will be closing out the Facebook prelims. Submit your predictions for these two fights in the comments section below, including the winner’s name, the method of victory, and the time/round of stoppage, if any. Your entry should be in this format:

(How far can the amped-up UFC star take his current hot-streak? Photo via Heavy)

By Elias Cepeda

If you were Clay Guida, you might be a little pissed off right now. In June, Guida was matched up with then-#1 UFC lightweight title contender and reigning WEC champion Anthony Pettis. Despite beating Pettis and picking up his fourth consecutive UFC victory, the Carpenter didn’t earn a title shot. Instead, he wound up with a bout against the man Pettis beat for the WEC belt, Ben Henderson.

Guida vs. Henderson was booked for a spot on the historic November 12th card that would be televised on FOX, promising a tremendous amount of exposure. Then, Guida learned that FOX would only be televising the card’s main event — Cain Velasquez vs. Junior Dos Santos for the heavyweight belt. And now, UFC President Dana White has not even guaranteed that the winner of Henderson (who last defeated Jim Miller) vs. Guida will be the next challenger for lightweight champ Frankie Edgar.

The past year appeared to be an emotional roller coaster for Guida, one perhaps capable of distracting him from his tasks at hand. Or…not.

“That stuff doesn’t bother me for a second,” Guida says. “Emotional roller coasters are for little girls playing soccer. If anything, those things just help me focus more.”

Too late to suck up now, Brock. You’ll have to settle for PPV. (Pic Props: Sherdog forums)

Perhaps the only draw back to the UFC’s debut on FOX will be the lack of fights actually making it to the air. Zuffa’s new broadcast partners have opted to place all of their eggs into one oversized basket in the form of the heavyweight title bout between Cain Velasquez and Junior Dos Santos. But good news is here for those who speak Spanish or simply don’t care what’s coming through their television speakers: two undercard bouts will be airing live on FOX Deportes.

The featherweight scrap between Dustin Poirier and Pablo Garza as well as the Clay Guida-Ben Henderson lightweight bout—which could potentially crown the number one contender at 155 lbs.—will serve as the lead-in to the main event on the Spanish sports channel.

(Rosenthal, you scene-stealing son-of-a-bitch.)

MMA history is littered with badass sets of brothers — the Nogueiras, the Shamrocks, the Ruffos — but we wouldn’t necessarily want to see them cage-fight to the death. There are, of course, a few exceptions to that rule. In honor of tomorrow’s release of Warrior, which features two estranged brothers who [SPOILER ALERT!] beat the crap out of each other at the end, we humbly present our top-five dream fights between bros. Enjoy…

Clay Guida vs. Jason Guida

With all the times that Jason has slapped his brother in the face before UFC fights, you’d think that Clay might want to give some of it back, just once. Sure, the Carpenter would be at a solid 50-pound weight disadvantage, but I think he’d take it by decision due to his pace and his wrestling. Besides, it’s been too long since we’ve had a good open-weight freak show fight in this country.

Patricio Freire vs. Patricky Freire

This is basically the 2011 version of “I wonder what would happen if Shogun and Ninja fought each other?” With a 17-1 record and a Bellator Season 4 tournament sweep to his credit, Patricio Pitbull is undoubtedly one of the greatest featherweights outside of the UFC. (Notable moments: His TKO of Georgi Karakhanyan and destruction of Wilson Reis.) Patricio’s lightweight brother Patricky is just as ferocious, as proven by his knockout of Rob McCullough and highlight-reel flying-knee against Toby Imada. Make it happen, Bjorn.

(Bendo” and “The Carpenter” will be appearing alongside in Encino Man 2: The Encino Twins.)

UFC officials announced a pair of fight bookings for it’s November 12 Fox premier show overnight.

According to a posting on UFC.com, former WEC lightweight champion Ben Henderson (14-2) will take on Clay Guida (29-8) in a 155-pound affair and top Japanese bantamweight Norifumi “Kid” Yamamoto (18-4, 1 NC) will square off against Strikeforce and Shooto veteran Darren Uyenoyama (6-3) in 135-pound action on the card.

Although neither fight will be shown during the one-hour broadcast which will feature only one bout — a heavyweight title fight between Cain Velasquez and Junior dos Santos — UFC president Dana White mentioned last week that they are looking at options to ensure fans can watch the entire card.

(Unlike the rest of us, the eye candy in the back decided to open her eyes for Cyborg.)

By Jason Moles

While suffering through The Change-Up this weekend, I started thinking about the hypothetical situation of MMA fighters switching bodies. Obviously, one fighter would get the short end of the stick, like in all relationships, but other than that, it’s all good news from there. Imagine the man with a warrior spirit and broken body upgrading for a newer model. Imagine the heavy-duty gas-guzzler being replaced by a tiny, eco-friendly, electric car. Imagine experience and youth joining forces to reign terror on anything that steps in its way. So who most deserves a cinematic body-swap? Read on and find out…

BJ Penn and Brock Lesnar

Advantage: Baby Jay

For years, Penn has been criticized for his lack of self-discipline and willingness to stay in shape. Switching bodies would solve that problem and create what might be the best heavyweight in UFC history. A Nova Uniao Brazilian jiu-jitsu black belt with explosive striking and a granite chin, Penn has everything that Lesnar wishes he had. The Prodigy would be a wrecking ball at heavyweight if he had Brock’s body — as long as the viking took the diverticulitis thing with him. If he had to keep the illness during the switch, then I guess we could all agree that we’d like to see Josh Koscheck trade bodies with Brock.

(Video courtesy of YouTube/LegalForLess)

Add UFC lightweight Clay Guida to the list of MMA fighters who have acted in television commercials. With the guest spot above he did in the latest Safe Auto Ad, “The Carpenter” joins the ranks of the likes of Kurt Pellegrino, Jon Jones, Georges St-Pierre, Bob Sapp, Wanderlei Silva, Mirko Cro Cop and Mark Coleman.

Check out some of our other amesomely cheesy favorites after the jump.

By Jason Moles

“We the people of CagePotato.com, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Bans, insure comments section Tranquility, provide for the common noob, promote the general Lack of Welfare, and attempt to secure the Blessings of Dana to ourselves and our readers, do ordain and establish this Comparison of fighters and fireworks for the Potato Nation.”

There are plenty of MMA fighters out there who love to bring the pyrotechnics to the cage, lighting up their opponents for the enjoyment of the fans and the pleasure of a paycheck. In honor of Independence Day weekend — and our new friends at Wild Turkey — here’s a list of actual 4th of July fireworks that remind us of some well-known scrappers. Celebrate safely, and please try not to lose any fingers.

Snap-n-Pops (aka bang snaps, snappers, or whip’n pops): Corey Hill, Jason MacDonald, Razak Al-Hassan, Tim Sylvia

Call ‘em what you want, these small novelty fireworks are perfect for youngsters. You throw them against a wall, floor, or sleeping grandparent, and they make a satisfying POP! Cool, huh? It’s hard not to think of a ‘Snap-n-Pop’ and not think of these guys, whose limbs unfortunately made the same noises in their past fights.

Roman Candles: Clay Guida

Excitement. Power. Flash. Seemingly unending performance. Fun. Clay ‘The Carpenter’ Guida is more than your average firework. Hey may not blow up any doors but rest assured he’s always going to be a crowd favorite. No one has ever had a Roman Candle war or watched a Guida fight and not had the time of their life. For every colorful ball that is emitted from the candle, Guida whips his hair back and shoots in for a takedown. Regardless of what happens, they both just keep going until the final bell. When messing around with either, be careful; someone usually ends up a bloody mess.

(Clay Guida’s party-animal status: Unchanged. Photo courtesy of CombatLifestyle.com)

Now that we’re halfway through a six-week stretch featuring a UFC or Strikeforce event every weekend, it might be time to take a deep breath, drag out a semi-retired recurring feature, and assign some totally meaningless scores to some of the notable trends and fighters we’ve seen lately. Who’s up, who’s down, and by how much? Well…

The UFC heavyweight division +113
Some have already labeled Shane Carwin’s loss at UFC 131 the “end of an era” for gargantuan heavyweights. (Didn’t last long, did it?) At the top of the division, we’re left with two guys who are smaller, faster, and better-conditioned than their predecessors; Velasquez vs. Dos Santos could be an all-time classic. Meanwhile, prospects like Travis Browne and Dave Herman continue to add depth at 265.

Cageside monitors -98
Nope, the judging in this sport still sucks, and the problem doesn’t appear to be technological. When you have shit for brains, every angle is a bad angle.

Don’t drink and:  drive, dial, text, facebook, or photoshop. -Anonymous

Let’s face it, Nation.  The lightweight field in the UFC  is a hopeless clusterfoxtrot.  Half of the names in the top ten last summer are either not at 155 anymore, or suddenly non-factors.  Six months ago, the WEC-UFC roster merger was supposed to clear up, once and for all, who the best fighters were.

Well….

The UFC title fight between Gray Maynard and champ Frankie Edgar was supposed to coincide nicely with the WEC’s own lightweight title fight at the December 16th event, the last by the promotion.  Anthony “Showtime Kick” Pettis defeated champion Ben Henderson by a close (but stupifyingly impressive) decision, something you would assume gives Henderson some legitimate claim to a title shot, or at least a number to get in line.

Two weeks later, Gray Maynard and Frankie Edgar go have themselves a fun little match in which they both manage to kick the other’s ass, but nobody wins.  Seriously, it’s a draw.

Well, they can’t all be homeruns — but mad respect for trying. Gif courtesy of IronForgesIron.com.

Pettis, and his hopes at a title shot, come crashing down (pic: MMAFightNews.net)

Judging from the sparse commentary throughout last night’s live blog, most of you were out sipping $20 Manhattans and discussing the latest issue of The New Yorker while a few of us sat on the couch watching free cage fights and loathing ourselves. It’s cool. You know what you did was wrong, and you came back home to us. We forgive you, and we’ll give you the gist of what went down.

It only took three minutes and fifty four seconds to send ten weeks of buildup crashing to the mat. The bout between Tony Ferguson and Ramsey Nijem was competitive, with both men finding a home for their hands, but Ferguson was able to employ his collegiate wrestling experience and the time spent with Lesnar’s camp after the show to dictate the fight and set the pace. Following a couple of successful takedowns, Ferguson flipped Ramsey’s switch with a left hook and Season 13 of The Ultimate Fighter crowned its asshole champion.

(Kyle Kingsbury is wearing that rainbow fanny-pack in honor of all the brave men and women who gave their lives defending our freedom in the Candyland-Disco War of Sissystan. / Photo courtesy of CombatLifestyle. For more photos from this album, click here.)

TUF 13 reaches its conclusion tonight, with “Stripper” Ramsey Nijem facing off against “Jerkwad” Tony Ferguson for the mythical six-figure contract and glass trophy. Plus: Anthony Pettis makes his official UFC debut against Clay Guida in a guaranteed thriller with lightweight title implications, the suddenly-badass Kyle Kingsbury looks to put Fabio Maldonado’s 11-fight win streak to an end, and much more.

If you’ve got nothing better to do, it’s not a bad way to spend a Saturday night. (If you do have something better to do, count yourself lucky, and come back later to let us know what the outside world is like.) The action is already underway at the Palms Casino Resort in Las Vegas — and streaming live on Facebook — but we’ll save the spoilers until the end of the night, because some of you crybabies get sooooo sensitive. Round-by-round results from the Spike TV broadcast will begin to pile up after the jump starting at 9 p.m. ET; refresh the page every few minutes for all the latest.

Dammit, who are all you guys again?

Say what you will about The Ultimate Fighter (not like you need an invitation), but the finale shows tend to be pretty damn fun. This season, we actually have two fairly solid finalists, a dynamite co-main in Pettis-Guida, plus a handful of other matchups calibrated for striking showdowns and crowd amazement.

Here’s a quick and dirty rundown of the fights scheduled for this weekend, with a few of those fancy moving pictures that you like so much. Who ya got?

Ramsey Nijem

VS

Tony Ferguson

Well, either this fight is the one you’ve been waiting for, or you’re just wondering what these two nobodies are doing on your UFC card. Tune in to find out which guy gets a contract with the UFC. (Spoiler Alert: It’ll be both of them.)