(If you didn’t hit her, explain what happened to her eyebrows then, smart guy.)

Brett Rogers will appear in Dakota County District court today in Minnesota where he will attempt to explain to the jury in the case that everyone who saw him drunkenly beating the shit out of his wife is full of BS.

You may recall that “The Grim” was picked up at his Apple Valley home and charged with multiple domestic assault-related  felonies back in July after a neighbor called police after witnessing the heavy-handed former Strikeforce heavyweight using his wife’s face as a focus mitt.

According to the police report, the witness stated that he looked out his window and saw Rogers standing over top of his wife in their backyard punching her in the head repeatedly. After the attack, the neighbor says he saw the victim get up and that she was bleeding and missing a tooth. Rogers nine and 10-year-old daughters told another neightbor and officers who attended the scene that they witnessed the assault, which they said wasn’t a one-time occurrence, and their account of the attack matched the other witness’. When officers located Mrs. Rogers a short time later she denied the attack at first, but soon admitted what had happened.

(No, I don’t want to come over for a barbecue and sleepover)

Mike Whitehead will be in for perhaps the toughest fight of his life as he begins court proceedings September 28 on charges of sexual assault, attempted sexual assault and open and gross lewdness.

A preliminary hearing for the case against the veteran WEC, UFC, IFL, Affliction and Strikeforce light heavyweight is scheduled for that date and a trial could be set that day if the judge is convinced that enough evidence exists to move forward with the case. According to the report from the Las Vegas Sun, the hearing was originally slated for an August date, but it was rescheduled for undisclosed reasons.

It’s alleged that "Iron Mike"sexually assaulted a woman last April in his home in the southwest Las Vegas Valley following a barbecue he had at the house.

While executing a search warrant on Whitehead’s home, police discovered a marijuana grow-op, but have surprisingly opted not to lay charges apart from the sexual assault and gross indecency ones.

“Who knew that not sleeping and not eating could mess with your mental state?” says “Rampage” Jackson in this post-guilty plea interview with the OC Register.  

If you had asked me that question before this incident, my answer would have been: everybody.  Everybody on the face of the earth knows that not sleeping and not eating will cause you both physical and mental problems, up to and including death.  After seeing this video, however, I realize I would have been wrong to say that, because at least one person had to find out the hard way.

In this video from Bad Boy, "Shogun" Rua gets his train on in preparation for his bout with Mark Coleman at UFC 93 next weekend.  At least in the gym, this looks more like the old Shogun we all knew and loved, the Grand Theft Title-era Shogun, if you will.  Now we just have to wait and see if that transfers into the Octagon after so much time off.

Yesterday we were somewhat surprised to hear that former UFC champ Quinton “Rampage” Jackson had pleaded not guilty in his felony hit-and-run, evading police case. Usually when there are pictures of you committing a crime in a monster truck that has your picture on it, your legal options are fairly limited. But Jackson spoke to the OC Register after his arraignment on Thursday and cleared a lot of things up. You see, he only did it because God and the devil were fighting inside his mind. It happens. Oh, and he had also been watching “The Secret,” in addition to not sleeping, eating, or drinking anything other than nutritious energy drinks:

Jackson, a former UFC champion who is one of the biggest names in one of the fastest-growing sports, said he also felt there was a spiritual war going on in his mind between God and the devil when he raced down Newport Boulevard on July 15, leaving a wake of rumpled cars, frightened pedestrians and angry police.

He said he thought he was on a mission to save a friend – who had recently lost his faith in God – and was unaware that he had hit any other cars or was being pursued by a phalanx of police cars.

“I thought I heard the voice of God telling me to go save Brian,” he said in an interview Thursday after his arraignment on two felony evading arrest charges. “I felt if I didn’t get to Brian, he would die.”

Now, he says, he believes he was irrational because of lack of sleep and nutrition.

“What was I thinking?” he said. “l know now that Brian was never in danger. …But I really thought at the time that he was about to die.”

The chase apparently ended in front of friend Brian Talbert’s home. Rampage had spent the night before watching the DVD of “The Secret” over and over again, and then remembered he had loaned a copy to Talbert, and became obsessed with getting to him to make sure he watched it. For those of you unaware, “The Secret” is a completely ridiculous New Age-type philosophy that encourages people to change physical reality through the sheer force of thought. It is, in other words, alchemy for the modern idiot. But wait, this Rampage saga gets weirder:

(‘Ummm…it wasn’t me?’ Photo courtesy of MMA Punch.)

Gossip site TMZ — the same site that first captured former UFC champ “Rampage” Jackson’s run from the law — is now reporting that the former champ has “pleaded not guilty to felony counts of evading police, hit-and-run and reckless driving” and is free on $25,000 bond. They’re also kind enough to point out that there are no shortage of pictures and witnesses in the case, as they well know.

Is this all an attempt to get the charges knocked down, or is it possible that Rampage really thinks he has a chance of beating this? In all the discussion that has surrounded this case, never once has anyone put forth the serious hypothesis that he might be innocent. Maybe ‘not guilty by reason of energy drinks’? That’s a real defense, right? Pretty sure I saw it on ‘Law & Order’ once. Jack McCoy wasn’t even trying to hear it, though, and that dude went down, which doesn’t bode well for Rampage if any of the potential jurors in this case also saw that episode.

Rampage is due back in court on November 3, TMZ says. That’s not too far away from UFC 91 on November 15, and if the UFC follows through on its plan to put Rampage in that event it may be cutting things a little close. The guy is already dealing with enough distractions. Trying to train and then fight while he’s got an ongoing criminal case might be too much to ask.

Stay tuned to see how this one plays out…