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21 Humans Who Make Being Human Look Really, Really Hard

Tag: Crazy Russians

Aleksander Emelianenko Receives Russia’s Highest Honor, Is Placed on Federal Wanted List


(“Alright…take me to The Throne Room.”)

For a while there, we here at CagePotato always just kind of assumed that Aleksander Emelianenko would spend the remainder of his days quietly crushing tomato cans and occasionally killing bears with knives. Until the day came 10 or so years from now, of course, when the Russian government would finally locate his geographically-isolated cabin and assign him one. final. mission. to save the world he gave up on so long ago. They’d say something like, “You’re a hard man to find,” and Aleks would be all like, “Not hard enough,” and before you know it, we’d have a movie franchise on our hands. Yeah, that’s how it’d go.

Unfortunately, it appears that the nightly bounties of delicious stabbed bear meat (second only to strangled boar meat on the list of manliest meals) and occasional espionage we had envisioned for Fedor’s little bro was only that: a dream. Last October, Aleks was detained after beating up a 63-year-old army veteran on his birthday (classy stuff, Al), and today brings word that Russia’s answer to War Machine has been placed on the country’s federal wanted list in light of another bizarre altercation:

Russian authorities have put renowned Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) fighter Aleksander Emelianenko on a wanted list on suspicion of housekeeper abuse and passport theft, investigators said Wednesday.

Vladimir Markin, a spokesperson for the country’s Investigative Committee said that Emelianenko had been put on the federal wanted list as “he disappeared and did not appear for questioning at the scheduled time,” adding that charges were forthcoming.

Housekeeper abuse? Good God, Aleks, I know you’ve been itching to fight someone who won’t give up before you throw the first punch, but there’s gotta be a better way!

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Ben Henderson Becomes the Latest Fighter to Mistake Rustam Khabilov for Khabib Nurmagomedov, Agrees to June Showdown With “Tiger” in Albuquerque

Remember how back in December, we reported that Rafael Dos Anjos had agreed to fight Rustam Khabilov while under the impression that “Tiger” was actually Khabib Nurmagomedov, the up-and-coming Dagestani grappling machine? Well, it dun happened again.

This time, it’s none other than former lightweight champion Ben Henderson who has apparently mixed up his Russians. After Khabilov was forced to withdraw from his fight with Dos Anjos due to injury (which in turn led to Dos Anjos vs. Nurmagomedov actually being booked), he recently took to Twitter to request a shot at “a fighter like Ben Henderson.” Henderson quickly accepted, but it was what he tweeted back that raised a few eyebrows.

“Seems like no 1 wants to play with u buddy,” tweeted Henderson. The only problem is, it’s Nurmagomedov, not Khabilov, that’s been having trouble finding opponents — both Nate Diaz and Gil Melendez have turned him down in recent months. In any case, Henderson vs. Khabilov has now been booked to headline a TBD “Fight Night” card on June 7th at the Tingley Coliseum in Albuquerque, New Mexico. It’ll be the UFC’s first-ever event in ABQ, home of the world-renowned Jackson’s MMA camp, where Khabilov trains.

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Friday Link Dump: GSP’s Belt Allegedly Stolen, Complete List of 2013 UFC Injuries, Russian Dash Cam Car Chase + More


(Anderson Silva, on crutches, just takin’ it one day at a time. / Props: ZombieProphet)

UFC 168 Garners Huge Interest, But Nothing on the Horizon Can Match It (MMAFighting)

Georges St-Pierre Said Belt Was Taken After UFC 167 Bout with Johny Hendricks (BleacherReport)

Year in UFC Injuries: Full List of All Injured UFC Fighters in 2013 (MMAMania)

The Best MMA Writing of 2013: Brian D’Souza on the Failure of the MMA Media (BloodyElbow)

A ‘Realist’ About His Own Career, Retired UFC Fighter Jorge Rivera Turns Focus to Others (MMAJunkie)

10 Worst Sports Plays of the Year for 2013 (EveryJoe)

Check Out The Latest Insanely Bad Ass Russian Dash Cam Car Chase (UPROXX)

The 15 Best Nutella Recipes Ever (HiConsumption)

The Most Anticipated Car Debuts of 2014 (Complex)

Norm MacDonald Is a Terrible Spokesman (Break)

14 Foods to Kick Out of Your Kitchen Forever (MensFitness)

Living the Pirate Life in Assassin’s Creed IV (The Escapist)

Celebrity Race Reversals (WorldWideInterweb)

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[VIDEO] Russian Audience Member Accepts Fight in a Sand Ring on 5 Seconds Notice, Unleashes Hell


(A major pat on the back is in order for our buddies over at MiddleEasy, who unearthed this gem yesterday.)

As we have learned, all Russians are trained sleeper cell assassins simply waiting to be activated, capable of unleashing the fury of an entire suppressed nation on a moment’s notice. As such, the above video of a random audience member volunteering to fight Russian Wolverine with zero prep time and subsequently knocking him the fuck out should not come as all that great a surprise to us. Nor should the fact that the fight was held in a sand-based ring strung together with old farm rope and was reffed by a guy rocking one of Mac’s custom made sleeveless shirts.

And of course, people are already crying foul, forgetting that 1) Russians don’t throw fights at the risk of banishment and 2) People don’t usually agree to get absolutely starched in a work. THIS is what a work looks like, and THIS is what it looks like when a random dude is picked from the audience and winds up kicking a fighter’s ass. Clearly, the above fight falls into the latter category.

While you’re busy debating this video’s merit, let’s kick it over to Sandy Abramov, who is here to offer us some tips about how to keep cool in the blistering Russian sun-OH MY GOD…

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[VIDEO] This Promo for Aleksander Emelianenko vs. Bob Sapp is Crazy and it Doesn’t Even Feature Bob Sapp

In its own beautiful, twisted way, Aleksander Emelianenko vs. Bob Sapp represents a meeting of two MMA titans years in the making. In one corner, you have one of the most notorious (yet somehow, hilariously cursed) can crushers in MMA history. In the other, you have perhaps the most notorious can of all time, a man so pathetic, so feeble, so shameless, that he has openly admitted to folding at the first sign of trouble in most of the fights that comprise his current ten-fight losing streak. It’s a match made in freak show heaven, right up there with Shaq vs. Canseco and Martinez vs. Zimmer II.

So with all that in mind, it’s rather appropriate that the first promo for Emelianenko’s…we wouldn’t call it anticipated return features a bearish looking Aleksander knocking over children’s sand sculptures and doing his best to look as bored as he was with James Thompson. At least that’s what we think happened. The whole thing is in Russian, so some of the context in that intensely metaphorical chain sequence might have been lost on us. The promo does, however, contain the kind of weirdness that simply transcends the language barrier, so we hope you enjoy it as much as we did. In either case, we can’t wait to see Sapp’s response video.

So what’s the over-under on how long Sapp lasts in this one, anyway? Twenty, dare we say thirty seconds?

-J. Jones

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Awesome Story of the Day: James “The Colossus” Thompson Recalls Getting Drunk with Fedor


(Turns out the only thing that parties like a jockey is the Colossus Lumberjockey.)

I know that “The Unexpected Cosign” is a Complex Magazine’s shtick, but do I ever have one for you today.

As some of you may know, when English heavyweight James “The Colossus” Thompson isn’t busy smashing freaks and fools, he’s updating his blog, Colossal Concerns. Given his workingman personality and some of the nasty knockouts he’s been on the receiving end of, I half expected it to read “Mummba jummba slave to the white man mummba mummba jummba.” But believe it or not, it’s an incredibly well written, insightful blog. Then again, if you’ve been following him on Twitter, you probably aren’t surprised at all by this.

Last night, he offered fans a detailed analysis of Fedor’s career. It’s a pretty entertaining piece that examines the fine line between Fedor the Legend and Fedor the Can Crusher. Oh, and James Thompson totally drank with “The Last Emperor” this one time.

Take it away, James:

I’ll leave you with a story of mine from when we both fought on Pride shock waves 2006. I had beaten Yoshida on the NYE Pride show and had come back to the hotel early from cerebrating as I was drained and I’d had enough for the night. As I entered the hotel lobby Fedor was standing front and centre swaying from side to side, he straightened up as I came through the doors and looked up towards me. I started moving from foot to foot as if he was still swaying and he burst out laughing at this and beckoned me towards him. As I approached him he lightly grabbed me and we started play fighting in the lobby, it was only messing around however I’d be lying if didn’t say a small part of me was praying he wasn’t a violent drunk and that he wouldn’t snap and sambo throw me on to the cold hard floor of the hotel lobby. If the Truth be told I was actually checking the floor during our ‘play fight to see if there was a softer part of it for me to land on should things have started to go wrong!

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Video of the Day: Fabricio Werdum is as Inappropriate as We Are and Fedor Isn’t Impressed


(Video courtesy of YouTube/chokeouttv)

I’ve you’ve ever told an off-color joke only to realize that the person you’re telling it to is standing in front of his 83-year-old grandmother, you’re going to appreciate this video.

Fabricio Werdum thinks he’s being witty when he sees Fedor and his entourage in the elevator at the hotel prior to Strikeforce’s last event in New Jersey and lets them know that he knows a few greetings the Russian group will understand. “Vai Cavalo” goes on to explain that he lived in Croatia for a stretch and while he was there he picked up some of the country’s Slavic native tongue — a dialect that closely resembles Russian.

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Oh, Thank God: Vyacheslav Datsik Wasn’t Actually Killed in Prison This Week


(See? Healthy as an ox. A big, crazy, racist ox. )

Thanks to CP reader David T. for passing along the good news via ShockMansion.com:

A few reports coming out of Russia claimed Viacheslav Datsik had been killed in a prison fight. Alexander Zubov, Head of Press Service of the Federal Penitentiary Service management for St. Petersburg and Leningrad region, said ‘This is fictional. Who profits, I cannot say. Datsik is healthy, eating, has recently been out for a walk’.”

The original report quoted St. Petersburg human-rights attorney Joseph Gabunia, who claimed that Datsik was stabbed to death in a brawl — but if a Russian prison publicist says that Red Tarzan recently went for a walk, then that’s good enough for us. Although if Datsik was killed, I guess that wouldn’t be the end of the world either.

Previously:
- Batshit Crazy Neo-Nazi MMA Fighter Vyacheslav Datsik Arrested in Norway
- Vyacheslav Datsik Granted Temporary Asylum in Norway While Officials Investigate Claims that He Isn’t Crazy
- The 16 Most Notorious Arrests in MMA History
- Exclusive: Identity of Joe Son’s Alleged Prison Murder Victim Revealed

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According to Vadim Finkelchtein Fedor Will Fight in the Fall for M-1 On Showtime, Possibly Against Kevin Randleman


(Vadim’s revenge on Dana: Selling bootleg UFC shirts.)

Fedor Emelianenko’s manager Vadim Finkelchtein did an interview recently with Championat.com about the fighting future of his fighter whose career has hit a roadblock following his third straight loss two weeks ago to Dan Henderson. During the Q&A the Dana White’s favorite crazy Russian revealed that “The Last Emperor” will fight in the fall in Russia on the next M-1 Global show, possibly against fellow slumping former PRIDE standout Kevin Randleman, and that the event will likely be shown on Showtime.

Check out the full translation of what Vadim had to say after the jump.

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Video: Fedor Shops ‘Till He Drops in Chicago


(Video courtesy of YouTube/vitalskillsspcl)

What is a former PRIDE champ to do when he gets to the U.S. five days prior to his next fight? Head to the mall, of course. What else?

Fedor arrived in the U.S. today ahead of his Strikeforce bout Saturday with Dan Henderson and immediately hopped inside a white stretch limo (are those still classy in Stary Oskol?) and jetted off to the closest shopping center with his colorful entourage. Perhaps he was in search of a new medium Glorious Sweater of Absolute Victory.

First stop? Toys ‘R’ Us, naturally. Where else would a group of burly middle age Russians go?

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