In its own beautiful, twisted way, Aleksander Emelianenko vs. Bob Sapp represents a meeting of two MMA titans years in the making. In one corner, you have one of the most notorious (yet somehow, hilariously cursed) can crushers in MMA history. In the other, you have perhaps the most notorious can of all time, a man so pathetic, so feeble, so shameless, that he has openly admitted to folding at the first sign of trouble in most of the fights that comprise his current ten-fight losing streak. It’s a match made in freak show heaven, right up there with Shaq vs. Canseco and Martinez vs. Zimmer II.

So with all that in mind, it’s rather appropriate that the first promo for Emelianenko’s…we wouldn’t call it anticipated return features a bearish looking Aleksander knocking over children’s sand sculptures and doing his best to look as bored as he was with James Thompson. At least that’s what we think happened. The whole thing is in Russian, so some of the context in that intensely metaphorical chain sequence might have been lost on us. The promo does, however, contain the kind of weirdness that simply transcends the language barrier, so we hope you enjoy it as much as we did. In either case, we can’t wait to see Sapp’s response video.

So what’s the over-under on how long Sapp lasts in this one, anyway? Twenty, dare we say thirty seconds?

-J. Jones

(Turns out the only thing that parties like a jockey is the Colossus Lumberjockey.)

I know that “The Unexpected Cosign” is a Complex Magazine’s shtick, but do I ever have one for you today.

As some of you may know, when English heavyweight James “The Colossus” Thompson isn’t busy smashing freaks and fools, he’s updating his blog, Colossal Concerns. Given his workingman personality and some of the nasty knockouts he’s been on the receiving end of, I half expected it to read “Mummba jummba slave to the white man mummba mummba jummba.” But believe it or not, it’s an incredibly well written, insightful blog. Then again, if you’ve been following him on Twitter, you probably aren’t surprised at all by this.

Last night, he offered fans a detailed analysis of Fedor’s career. It’s a pretty entertaining piece that examines the fine line between Fedor the Legend and Fedor the Can Crusher. Oh, and James Thompson totally drank with “The Last Emperor” this one time.

Take it away, James:

I’ll leave you with a story of mine from when we both fought on Pride shock waves 2006. I had beaten Yoshida on the NYE Pride show and had come back to the hotel early from cerebrating as I was drained and I’d had enough for the night. As I entered the hotel lobby Fedor was standing front and centre swaying from side to side, he straightened up as I came through the doors and looked up towards me. I started moving from foot to foot as if he was still swaying and he burst out laughing at this and beckoned me towards him. As I approached him he lightly grabbed me and we started play fighting in the lobby, it was only messing around however I’d be lying if didn’t say a small part of me was praying he wasn’t a violent drunk and that he wouldn’t snap and sambo throw me on to the cold hard floor of the hotel lobby. If the Truth be told I was actually checking the floor during our ‘play fight to see if there was a softer part of it for me to land on should things have started to go wrong!

(Video courtesy of YouTube/chokeouttv)

I’ve you’ve ever told an off-color joke only to realize that the person you’re telling it to is standing in front of his 83-year-old grandmother, you’re going to appreciate this video.

Fabricio Werdum thinks he’s being witty when he sees Fedor and his entourage in the elevator at the hotel prior to Strikeforce’s last event in New Jersey and lets them know that he knows a few greetings the Russian group will understand. “Vai Cavalo” goes on to explain that he lived in Croatia for a stretch and while he was there he picked up some of the country’s Slavic native tongue — a dialect that closely resembles Russian.

(See? Healthy as an ox. A big, crazy, racist ox. )

Thanks to CP reader David T. for passing along the good news via ShockMansion.com:

“A few reports coming out of Russia claimed Viacheslav Datsik had been killed in a prison fight. Alexander Zubov, Head of Press Service of the Federal Penitentiary Service management for St. Petersburg and Leningrad region, said ‘This is fictional. Who profits, I cannot say. Datsik is healthy, eating, has recently been out for a walk’.”

The original report quoted St. Petersburg human-rights attorney Joseph Gabunia, who claimed that Datsik was stabbed to death in a brawl — but if a Russian prison publicist says that Red Tarzan recently went for a walk, then that’s good enough for us. Although if Datsik was killed, I guess that wouldn’t be the end of the world either.

Previously:
- Batshit Crazy Neo-Nazi MMA Fighter Vyacheslav Datsik Arrested in Norway
- Vyacheslav Datsik Granted Temporary Asylum in Norway While Officials Investigate Claims that He Isn’t Crazy
- The 16 Most Notorious Arrests in MMA History
- Exclusive: Identity of Joe Son’s Alleged Prison Murder Victim Revealed

(Vadim’s revenge on Dana: Selling bootleg UFC shirts.)

Fedor Emelianenko’s manager Vadim Finkelchtein did an interview recently with Championat.com about the fighting future of his fighter whose career has hit a roadblock following his third straight loss two weeks ago to Dan Henderson. During the Q&A the Dana White’s favorite crazy Russian revealed that “The Last Emperor” will fight in the fall in Russia on the next M-1 Global show, possibly against fellow slumping former PRIDE standout Kevin Randleman, and that the event will likely be shown on Showtime.

Check out the full translation of what Vadim had to say after the jump.

(Video courtesy of YouTube/vitalskillsspcl)

What is a former PRIDE champ to do when he gets to the U.S. five days prior to his next fight? Head to the mall, of course. What else?

Fedor arrived in the U.S. today ahead of his Strikeforce bout Saturday with Dan Henderson and immediately hopped inside a white stretch limo (are those still classy in Stary Oskol?) and jetted off to the closest shopping center with his colorful entourage. Perhaps he was in search of a new medium Glorious Sweater of Absolute Victory.

First stop? Toys ‘R’ Us, naturally. Where else would a group of burly middle age Russians go?

(“Retire? No, I said I was going to ‘relax.’ That crazy translator lady always misquotes me.”)

Returning to his Russian homeland following his disappointing defeat at the hands of Antonio Bigfoot Silva on Saturday night, Fedor Emelianenko told reporters at the airport that he will likely fight again and that the pseudo-reitrement announcement he made following the fight was a knee-jerk reaction to racking up the second legitimate loss of his MMA career.

“I rushed to declare my retirement out of frustration. I will fight more. Possibly, I will return to the [Strikeforce] Heavyweight Grand-Prix,” Fedor told LifeSports.ru. “I am confident that I am capable of having a few more fights. I didn’t make any analysis yet on why I lost. I need to recover. I can’t see very well yet.”