(If you were a guest on that gay Indian party bus and want to share your story, please e-mail tips@cagepotato.com.)

Thanks to everyone who submitted stories for today’s crowd-sourced edition of the CagePotato Roundtable. We’ve selected 12 tales from the pile — ranging from drama to comedy to horror — and we’ll begin with a story that comes to us from an actual pro fighter, involving one of MMA’s greatest out-of-the-cage rivalries…

Sal Woods
A few years ago I fought on the Strikeforce: Lawler vs. Shields card. While at weigh-ins I was obviously star-struck from being at Al Hrabosky’s with a room full of legends and badasses. The only guy I had the balls to say what’s up to was Nick Diaz. He was completely cool and super polite, he said hi and introduced himself to the entire table (my cornermen, shaking each one’s hand). We were just shooting the shit about how it was my first time on a big card and that I was fighting T-Wood. I was thinking this dude is nothing like the interviews I have watched.

All of a sudden he looks over and sees Joe Riggs and almost flips shit, starts telling his corner guys “there’s that little bitch right there!” Looks over a crowd of people and called Riggs a punk bitch. Then Gil and someone else walked him away/cooled him down. Proved that if Nick doesn’t like you and fights you he may fight you again in the hospital and almost again at completely different fight’s weigh-in!

Noah “Jewjifshoe” Ferreira

You guys all remember Dan Barrera from TUF 6, right? Well I met him during a math class in the Fall of 2011 and it was one of the weirdest experiences I’ve ever had.

(Well said.)

Twitter holds an interesting place in the MMA landscape. On one hand, it often comes across as little more than a medium for fighters to vent their frustrations with the foresight and competency of a middle school dropout, or to aid in the ongoing series of endless, needless arguments that constitute 90% of the internet nowadays. Seriously, I was on one of those porn sites that allow comments the other day and stumbled across a heated argument concerning what the woman fellating the donkey onscreen was probably thinking. My guess was that she was reconsidering her choice to forgo those online courses for some quick cash and a shot at Fame (which coincidentally was the horse’s name), but the two (probable) gentlemen involved in said dispute seemed to think she was trying to determine the ethnicity of said horse (if that’s a thing), and which race she likely decided upon. Did I mention she was blindfolded? She was blindfolded.

On the other hand, “The Twitter” has shown on several occasions that it can serve as more than a battleground for our petty arguments, and can actually be used as a tool to unite people from opposite ends of the planet over a given cause. Although it failed in the end, Twitter was almost solely responsible for giving Mark Hunt the opportunity of a lifetime, or bringing Tim Sylvia back to the UFC to dominate 85% of the promotion’s heavyweights like we all know he would (I mean, have you even seen his workout regimen?).

And one thing that the collective minds of Twitter seemed to reach an agreement on was that UFC 149, to put it professionally, sucked major donkey dick (see how I brought that all together? I’m less a writer, more a prophet). So in order to bid what will ultimately go down as one of the most disappointing main cards in UFC history adieu, we’ve collected some of the funniest tweets from around the Twittersphere, some from actual fighters, others from random jagoffs with the simple ability to hashtag UFC 149 after their comment, for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy.

(Live UFC 149 weigh-in video, via YouTube.com/UFC. First fighter steps on the scale at 6 p.m. ET / 3 p.m. PT.)

- Keep Sending Us Your Fighter Run-In Stories for Next Week’s Roundtable! (CP)

- A Conversation With Paul Daley: From British Boxing to Bellator (MMAFighting)

- Jon Jones Says “Disrespectful” Dan Henderson Has Given Him New Motivation (BleacherReport/MMA)

- Former UFC Fighter Sherman Pendergarst Loses Battle With Cancer (MMAJunkie)

- EXCLUSIVE: Dana White Fight Day Video Interview (HeavyMMA)

- UFC’s Jonathan Brookins Tells Us That Bellator Is Suing Him and He Isn’t a Fan of Bjorn Rebney (MiddleEasy)

- Alan Belcher Hopes Belfort, Weidman Willing To Exchange In Near Future (Fightline)

- Tito Ortiz Had Knee Surgery Before Fight With Forrest Griffin (FiveOuncesofPain)

- Train Like an Olympic Judoka (MensFitness)

- Video: Australian Track and Field Hurdle Hottie Michelle Jenneke’s Warm-Up Dance (MMAMania)

- Joaquin Phoenix Licks Window Panes in the Full Trailer for ‘The Master’ (FilmDrunk)

- The Funniest Masturbation Arrests of All Time (WorldWideInterweb)

- The Gentlemen’s Guide to Tattoos (MadeMan)

(Photographer unknown. Level of badassery incalculable.)

For this installment of the CagePotato Roundtable, we invited a few of our photographer buddies over to discuss our all-time favorite MMA photos. Judging by our selections, shots of agony and defeat have a special attraction to them. I think it’s because they allow us to get close to an incredibly intense, transcendent moment, without having to experience the pain of it. And isn’t that why we love MMA in the first place? Our special guests for today are…

- Lee Whitehead, author of Blunt Force Trauma & The Mammoth Book of Mixed Martial Arts. You can see more of his work at www.leewhitehead.com, on Instagram, and on Twitter @leewhiteheadmma.

- Jon Sluder, who shot Bellator 34 for us back in October 2010. Check out his recent highlights at Sluder.net.

- Jason Wright, who shot UFC 119 for us back in September 2010; if you follow us on Facebook, you recently saw one of his highlights from that night. You can see more of J-Dog’s work at jasonwrightphotography.com.

Disclaimer: There’s a short list of MMA photographers who have asked us to stop posting their work on this site due to copyright issues, and a couple of contributors to this week’s column happened to select photos taken by those photographers. We’ve used stand-ins in those cases, with links to the actual photos. Also, we don’t know why BJ Penn is so heavily represented in this column. The guy always seems to be in the right place at the right time.

Lee Whitehead

(Click image for larger version.)

I have many favorite photos from all the years shooting MMA but this one has to rank amongst the very top purely because of all the flack and accusations of photoshop manipulation with the blood spurt; professionals can spot a ringer, and this ain’t one. The disappointing thing is that all negative comments detract from our main strength as MMA photographers — to understand the sport, spot smaller nuances, read the timing, and capture a key defining moment in a fight. To me, this brief slice of time from UFC 80 serves as the perfect reminder of how dominant BJ Penn was in his prime.

(Thanks to tufentertainment.net for the fitting logo.)

By Nathan Smith

With the recent announcement that Roy Nelson and Shane Carwin have been named as the coaches for the next installment of The Ultimate Fighter series, the MMA universe immediately launched into a full-blow orgasmic ticker-tape parade complete with tons of flying confetti and a marching band belting out death metal tunes. Once I heard the news, it was as if my life instantaneously turned into a beer commercial and the entire Potato Nation was invited. There was a rad pool-party, barbeque, a plethora of hotties, endless alcohol, and an overall quest for fun.

Well . . . . . actually, none of that happened. In fact, when word spread that Nelson and Carwin would helm the next season of TUF, it was officially filed under “WTF?” Judging from the comment section, most of the CP brethren didn’t care for the choices either. TUF is coming off a season that saw the ratings dip lower than they ever had, which could partially be blamed on the move to FX and the dreaded Friday night time slot. Regardless of the variables for the ratings drop, something drastic needs to be done, but is anybody really convinced that Carwin and Nelson are the answer to TUF’s slow and painful demise? Let’s start from the beginning and take a look back to see if this runaway train can be coaxed back onto the main rail.

The Season That Started it All 

The inaugural season of TUF featured future Hall of Famers Chuck Liddell and Randy Couture as the competing coaches who would go mano y mano at the PPV after the season finale. For fans of the UFC, that was good enough for most to initially tune in for the Fertitta-funded experiment. It still remains the best crop of young talent and personalities to ever grace the show; future stars like Forrest Griffin, Stephan Bonnar, Josh Koscheck, Chris Leben, Diego Sanchez, Mike Swick, Kenny Florian, and Nate Quarry were all complete unknowns vying for stardom in a fledgling sport. You mix in the whole “fatherless bastard” angle and the show was off and running even before the awe-inspiring climax between (pre TRT) FoGrif and The American Psycho. Even before that, we were treated to the greatest speech of all time that has since been condensed into a few words. “Do you wanna be a fighter?” Though there were other memorable moments from the seasons that followed, Zuffa should have quit while they were ahead because it would never be this good again. The unrefined personification of immature talent, undeniable aspirations and gonzo-sized balls oozed from the boob tube during every episode.

(Then again, it seems to be working out pretty well for Clay Guida so far.) 

Hell must have frozen over, because for once, we are in agreement with Dana White.

We’re not going to waste your time by recounting all of the endless press the issue of testosterone replacement therapy has received as of late, which would take us no less than twenty pages to complete. But needless to say, guys like Frank Mir are proving that damn near anyone can receive a therapeutic use exemption (TUE) for TRT if they are willing to fill out the proper paperwork, and we’ve only begun to see the amount of fighters who will likely begin to hop on that bandwagon as time goes on.

But with his win at UFC 148, Anderson Silva basically proved that a vicious knee trumps TRT nearly 100 percent of the time, a notion that the UFC President really wishes he could drive home in one way or another. White recently sat down with ESPN’s Todd Grisham to discuss everything from fighter pay rates to the absolute sack of horseshit that was the Manny Pacquiao/Timothy Bradley decision. Being the polarizing subject that TRT is, Grisham brought up the possibility of the UFC having two fighters currently using testosterone as champions, were Chael Sonnen to defeat Silva and Dan Henderson to defeat Jon Jones, and what White would think of that. And we gotta say, we were rather impressed with Dana’s level-headed response. It was almost as if he had considered both sides of the story, rather than lashing out with personal attacks at the first person to speak up about a slightly sensitive issue. Like we said, the sky must be falling.

A full video interview is below. 

(Little known fact: The original version of America the Beautiful contained a fifth verse about Don Frye’s shorts.)

In honor of our country’s 236th birthday, we’ve got a special CagePotato Roundtable discussion for you guys: Who was the greatest American MMA fighter of all time? Because let’s face it, America is exceptional, and we produce the best goddamned fighters in the world. SORRY LIBERAL MEDIA, I SAID IT. Enjoy, and if you have an idea for a future Roundtable topic, please send it to tips@cagepotato.com. And hey, be careful with those bottle rockets, okay?

Ben Goldstein
 

What do MMA legends Chuck Liddell, Matt Hughes, Tito Ortiz, Kazushi Sakuraba, Wanderlei Silva, Randy Couture, and Mark Coleman have in common? They all started their careers within 11 months of Dan Henderson‘s professional debut in June 1997. And where are those guys now? Retired, pretty much retired, retiring this weekend, completely washed up, close to retirement, retired, and retired unless Herschel Walker picks up the phone. Meanwhile, Hendo is preparing for his next title fight in September. Does the TRT help? Sure, though I don’t think you can credit Henderson’s heart, balls, and H-bomb power to a little hormonal help. (You also have to give some props to the Jam Gym.)

I’d stack Dan’s accomplishments up against any other fighter in this roundtable discussion — the unprecedented two-division title reign in PRIDE, the five single-night tournament sweeps, the stunning knockouts of Wanderlei Silva, Michael Bisping, and Fedor Emelianenko — but what makes him America’s MMA G.O.A.T. is his incredible longevity. Dan Henderson has been a top-ten fighter longer than anybody else in the history of the sport. I can only think of two other MMA fighters who started their careers 15 years ago who are still considered viable stars, and neither of them are American: Vitor Belfort, whose career was plagued by long stretches of injury and inconsistency, and Anderson Silva, who’s a freakish exception to any rule.

(“They be like Hendo…what…can you teach me how to Biz Bang?“)

Last week, we took a look at snake-oil salesman Chael Sonnen pitching the Nexersys, which sort of looked like a high-tech version of the Bas Rutten Body Action System. By comparison, the Jam Gym is just a rubber band you hang over your door, brought to you by Dan Henderson, a man who will pretty much endorse anything. It doesn’t matter what kind of fancy names they invented for these exercises — THE SKULL CRUSHER! THE DEATH DROP! THE HEAD-BANGER! THE BIZ BANG? — we’ve seen this same exact piece of crap before. Even the talents of genius pitchman Henderson can’t save this dog. (“Are you ready? Are you tough enough to get in the ring with me? Come oan.”)

As with most exercise equipment ads, this video is loaded with unrealistic images — from the impossibly fit models who didn’t actually get their bodies through Jam Gymming, to the steel-reinforced door sitting in the middle of a warehouse — with one exception. Pay attention at the 0:18-0:19 second mark and you’ll see a dude in a bedroom that features a dart-board next to a mini-basketball hoop next to a sword on the wall, with a “Dead End” sign on the door. Yeah, that’s about right. Even creepy man-child loners can rock the Jam Gym. And that blonde cutie at the very end? Oh yeah. She definitely hangs it and bangs it, you guys.

(Props: UFCAndersonTheSpider via IronForgesIron)

Following up our presentation of Anderson Silva vs. Chael Sonnen 1, here’s the other UFC fight where Anderson Silva looked less-than-invincible, at least momentarily. This was Silva’s third middleweight title defense, back at UFC 82 in March 2008, and Dan Henderson dominated the opening round, taking Silva down about two minutes into the fight and grinding down on him with punches for the rest of the frame. Henderson also puts a good deal of effort into covering Silva’s mouth and nose with his hand, a cheap breathing-obstruction trick that occasionally bleeds into gouging/fish-hooking territory. (Side note: Skip to the 14:07 mark, and you’ll see the rough draft of the front kick that Silva used to dummy up Vitor Belfort.)

Silva got even in the second round, brawling a bit with Hendo before letting his precision striking take over. At the 21:16 mark, Silva nails Henderson with a knee, kick, and punches that the challenger is never able to recover from. Silva gets on top of Henderson and works his jiu-jitsu until he sinks a particularly nasty rear-naked choke. After the fight, Silva takes a moment to explain that Henderson was good, but he’s no Rich Franklin. A real…class act? Anyway, the Ohio fans loved it.

After the jump: Silva’s UFC 134 title defense against Yushin Okami, which also ended violently in the second round.

(Too obvious?)

Friends, Romans, countrymen, welcome to the most star-studded — and foolishly ambitious — CagePotato Roundtable in history. This week’s topic is “Who’s the Baddest Motherfucker of All Time?” and we have two very, very special guests to help us out. They are…

- Ben Fowlkes, the former CagePotato senior editor who abandoned us in April 2010 and has been writing incredible features for MMAFighting.com ever since. Last month, he and fellow CP veteran Chad Dundas launched a hilarious and thought-provoking weekly MMA podcast called The Co-Main Event. Do yourself a favor and subscribe to the show on iTunes right here, right now.

- Jason Ellis, the professional skateboarder, author, MMA fighter, truck racer, boxer, singer, and actor who hosts The Jason Ellis Show on weekday afternoons on Sirius XM Radio’s Faction channel. Jason’s best-selling autobiography — the appropriately titled I’m Awesome — details his triumph over drugs, personal tragedy, and being Australian, en route to becoming “the new voice of action sports in America”? Go buy it.

I’m sure some of you have already passed out from shock and excitement. As for the rest of you, pack a canteen and follow us into the abyss. Warning: It’s gonna get weird…

Ben Fowlkes

You want to talk old school badasses? I mean really, really old school? Like pre-Rickson Gracie old school? Look no further than Julius Caesar, son. Right about now you’re all like, ‘Who, dude with the cheap pizzas?’ First of all, that’s Little Caesar’s, which sucks. Second of all, shut up. I’m trying to teach you something here.