(What has two thumbs, false teeth and a guaranteed title shot? This guy!)

After months of contradictory and unclear statements from Dan Henderson and UFC President Dana White, fans are now being told with certainty that Hendo’s next fight will be for a belt. Being the stone-cold pimp that he is, Henderson can fight in multiple divisions, and his next fight will take place at either middleweight or light-heavyweight. In a new interview with Heavy.com’s Megan Olivi, White had the following to say regarding the future of the winner of da greatest MMA fight ever:

“Dan Henderson will get the winner of that fight or the winner of the Anderson Silva [vs. Chael Sonnen] fight. Dan Henderson just wants a title shot. There’s been a lot of talk about the stuff that I said. Here’s the thing: I offered Dan Henderson two fights. Dan Henderson wants this fight. Normally I don’t do that. Guys don’t sit around and pick their fights. There’s been very specific cases where that’s happened and it’s guys who have earned it or deserve it, and Dan Henderson is one of those guys. Listen, if Dan Henderson, Henderson has been around forever. He’s forty-something years old, he’s been knocking guys out left and right. If he wants to sit around and wait for this title shot, he can do it.”

(That moment you realize you are a fraction of the man Dan Henderson is.) 

Few, if any, will ever be able to forget Dan Henderson and Mauricio “Shogun” Rua’s epic battle at UFC 139. It was like that time you watched your dad and your friend’s dad argue over a garden hose at your local pub when you were 12, an argument that quickly devolved into chair throwing, bottle smashing, and frequent use of the “n-word” despite the fact that both participants were white. You and your friend would never be the same again, but to be fair, his dad did say he would return the hose over a week ago, so fuck him.

Now swap your friend’s dad/Shogun with Dana White, and your dad with Dan Henderson, and you’ve pretty much got the gist of these two’s ongoing series of misunderstandings. They’ve butted heads over money before, but now it seems they’ve moved into the territory of straight up verbal warfare. At yesterday’s Calgary press conference, White informed Mauro Ranallo that he had attempted to secure a rematch between Henderson and Rua, but was met with firm opposition by the inventor of the H-bomb:

Yeah, I was trying to put together Dan Henderson vs. Shogun II and Henderson doesn’t want to do the fight. Henderson wants to wait for the winner of either Jonny “Bones” Jones or Anderson Silva. He wants Anderson Silva, if Silva wins, he will make that cut. Otherwise, he wants to fight the winner of Rashad and Jones.

After hearing the above snippet, Henderson took to his Twitter account to respond, where he promptly slayed DW in less than ten words.

Join us after the jump for those ten words.

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(Incredible falling tree knockout of the day, via Reddit MMA)

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(Video courtesy of Sapo/IronForgesIron)

Nick Diaz has been out of the public eye since his close UFC 143 loss to Carlos Condit and subsequent announcement by the Nevada State Athletic Commission that he had tested positive for marijuana metabolites, so when we heard he was going to break his silence on SPIKE’s new MMA Uncensored show last night, we tuned in to hear what he had to say.

Unfortunately we were disappointed since he did not address the positive test or retirement and really didn’t say much about the Condit fight except that he thinks the judges in the sport choose their favorites to win and that he still feels he won the fight.

“Well, I never said anything about pursuing boxing. I [haven't] really said much about anything about what I’m gonna be doing in the future. I’ve had what feels like a week or so to think about any of this, but I haven’t really put much thought into it, ” he explained. “It just feels good to get some workouts in and just try to act normal, I guess.”

(“Don’t look yet, but tell me if she’s looking at me.”)

It looks like Muhammed Lawal’s positive  steroid test  may have netted him a much bigger punishment than the fine and one-year timeout levied on him by the Nevada State Athletic Commission; he may also have missed out on a chance at redemption against the only fighter to beat him as well as a chance to regain the Strikeforce light heavyweight title.

(Dan Henderson vs. Antonio Rogerio Nogueira highlights, via DJIL PROD)

Fun fact: Alexander Gustafsson only got the UFC on FUEL 2 headlining spot against Antonio Rogerio Nogueira because Dan Henderson turned the fight down first. As Ariel Helwani reported on UFC Tonight and via Twitter, ”the original plan was if [Rashad] Evans beat [Phil] Davis, he would face [Jon] Jones. The winner of Hendo/Nog would then fight for the #1 contender. Now, since Hendo turned down the Nog fight, his status is unclear.”

Henderson says he had several good reasons for passing on Lil’ Nog, who previously submitted him by armbar at Pride Total Elimination 2005. As he explained on Clinch Gear Radio:

“I was under the impression that [UFC President Dana White] still kind of was on the fence whether he was going to put me in front of Rashad or not, that’s assuming Rashad wins. [White] did offer me a fight with ‘Little Nogueira.’ I didn’t think the fans would be interested in that fight, and not as much time as I would like to prepare for a five-round fight. So I told him I would wait to see what happened with the Rashad fight. I would like to fight Jones now rather than if I took that fight with ‘Little Nog,’ I wouldn’t be fighting Jones until another eight-nine months…

(Tom Lawlor by Flaskpost.)

We’ve seen some bad, bad MMA fan art in our time. (Like, really bad.) So it came as a relief when we recently stumbled upon MMAFanMade, a tumblr account that showcases the best MMA-themed art and artists on the Internet. We decided to cherry-pick some of the site’s highlights, mix in a few old classics, and put ‘em all together in the gallery after the jump. Check it out below, and if you’ve done any MMA-themed artwork yourself, please share links in the comments section. We promise that our criticism will be mostly constructive.

(Great, like we need another reason to hate this guy. IT’S RUDE TO POINT, JON.)

The March 24th UFC 145 card in Montreal still lacks a main event — but if the timing works out, a light-heavyweight superfight could take the headlining spot. As we already know, Jon Jones has decided to scrap his vacation and start fighting again ASAP. Here’s UFC president Dana White speaking on the subject to ESPN 1100:

“[Jones] called up four days ago and said ‘okay, let’s go I’m done with vacation.’ He said he wanted to take all this time off and then they were calling me four days ago saying he wants to fight as soon as possible. He’s ready to go…What could end up happening is Dan Henderson fights Jon Jones first, and then it would be close to the time that Rashad (Evans) fights. Or we see how things go with Rashad and Rashad fights him first.”

(Props: TMZ via MMAMania)

A: Two, which doesn’t sound so impressive, but when you include Dan Henderson himself and husky MLB pitcher Brad Penny, it’s still something of an accomplishment. Yes, Hendo and Brad are bros, and this is how bros roll on a Monday night in Hollywood. In a related story, paparazzi photographers are the cockroaches of humanity.