Guys, I’m not quite sure how to break this, so I’ll just come right out and say it. You remember that mother of all freakshow fights between Tank Abbott and Dan Severn that was supposed to headline that insanely-awesome looking UR Fight card this weekend? You know, the one that was set to feature Sonnen vs. Bisping in a grappling match, Angle vs. Mysterio in a professional wrestling match, and Roy Jones Jr. killing a guy? The one that was basically the summation of everything great about America in an era dominated by PC feminazi libtards who want to take away our guns?
It’s off. The fight is off and my heart is literally tearing in two right now.
Not to sound selfish, but the recent near-death of Dada 5000 following his Bellator 149 scrap with Kimbo Slice has really taken a lot of fun out of this whole “freakshow fight” concept. Up until that (nearly) fateful evening in February, the fact is that freakshow fights had produced nothing but wholesome, entertaining, and legitimate results LITERALLY 100PERCENT OF THE TIME. Now, we’ve been forced to act all “thoughtful” and “humane” each time one of them is booked like a bunch of vegan hipster pussies.
Thank God there are still “real” men and “real” promotions out there who don’t give a f*ck about things like safety regulations and common sense, or our sport would probably have fallen prey to Bernie Sanders’ socialist PC zeitgeist libtard pacifist gun control bureaugamy by now. We’re talking about men like Tank Abbott and Dan Severn, and promotions like UR Fight, the latter of which recently booked the two aging UFC vets to throw down as part of what may very well be the most insane event ever scheduled. ‘Murica!
As loyal readers of CagePotato through thick and thin, you know what kind of respect we have for UFC Hall of Famer Dan Severn. We’ve sung his praises from the highest mountain tops. We’ve named our future children after them (at least, BG has). Hell, we’ve even been luckily enough to be graced with his presence in the form of a brief but glorious mailbag column back in the day. Simply put, “The Beast” is the ultimate man’s man, a legend, and the kind of guy that could turn Ron Swanson into a prepubescent-voiced, salad-eating socialist if he so desired.
(It’s not a UFC fight, but you can’t talk awful title fights without at least referencing Sonnen vs. Filho II. Photo courtesy of Sherdog.)
Today we’re talking about bad UFC title fights – fights that fizzled out after weeks of hype, bored even the most die-hard fans among us, and left us baffled that the winner was considered the best in his weight class. Since we’redealing strictly with UFC title fights, notable clunkers like Ruiz vs. Southworth II (Strikeforce), Wiuff vs. Tuchscherer (YAMMA), and Sonnen vs. Filho II (WEC) are ineligible for inclusion. Also, we promise that the only appearance of the name “Ben Askren” in this column lies in this incredibly forced sentence. Read on for our picks, and please, pretty please, send your ideas for future Roundtable topics to email@example.com.
Detroit is known by many names – Motown, Motor City, and Hockey Town to name a few. None of which lend to the idea that the birthplace of the assembly line was also a mecca of mixed martial arts or a place to catch great fights on Saturday. Unfortunately, UFC didn’t care; they took the show to the Great Lakes State in 1996 for UFC 9: Clash of the Titans 2 nonetheless. Ken Shamrock and Michigan native Dan Severn were set to face off for the first world title outside of Japan, the UFC Superfight championship. However, thanks to Senator John McCain, instead seeing an exciting rematch that was sure to cover the canvas in bad blood, fans in attendance and at home watching on PPV were treated to what became known as “The Detroit Dance.” And to this day, it is regarded as one of the worst fights in the history of the sport.
(Insert whatever version of a “Ground-n-Pound” sex joke you see fit here.)
When UFC Hall of Famer Mark Coleman stormed onto the mixed martial arts scene in 1996 following a storied college wrestling career and top 10 placing in the 1992 Summer Olympics, he brought with him an economic, workman style of fighting that would lead him to championship glory on his first night out. The event was the aptly-named UFC 10: The Tournament, and after beating the rights to the nickname “The Hammer” out of Moti Horenstein in his very first fight (an agreement that Moti never honored), Coleman would take out veteran Gary Goodridge and UFC 8 tournament winner Don Frye in back-to-back fights to claim the tournament championship. Coleman would repeat this feat in even more dominant fashion at UFC 11 and would unify the Heavyweight and Superfight Championships at UFC 12 the following year by choking out fellow scary wrestler Dan Severn. With the victory, Coleman’s legacy as one of the sport’s pioneers was all but written in the history books.
But Coleman didn’t stop there. Over the next 14 years, Coleman would not only popularize but would be dubbed “The Godfather” of the wrestling-based, “ground-n-pound” attack that would lead him to a PRIDE openweight championship in 2000 and a list of victories over the likes of Mauricio Rua, Stephan Bonnar, and Igor Vovchanchyn to name a few. But as all good things must come to an end, so must the legendary career of the now 48 year-old Coleman. Although he hasn’t fought since his 2010 submission loss to Randy Couture — a bout that would mark the first Hall of Famer vs. Hall of Famer fight in UFC history — Coleman has decided to officially announce his retirement from the sport as of yesterday. “The Hammer,” who is scheduled to undergo hip surgery next week (because that’s what old people do, amiright? *self-fives*), posted the following on his Facebook:
Total Hip replacement next Monday. Ouch.
The hammer is done fighting. I know been done. Just looking for some prayers.
i thank everyone who will help me get through this. Have to pay to play sometimes. Only regret is could have worked harder.
Love you all live your dream.
After the jump: A look back at some of Coleman’s greatest moments, as well as one of his worst.
Meet Alan “45 of these across the sneeze” Kahn, a self-described “frustrated drummer trying to get a work out” who is here to transport you back to the cocaine-filled fairy tale that was 1985 via the power of DeBarge’s “Rhythm of the Night,” which Alan will be rhythmically accompanying on his trusty 8×5 speed bag with a beat that will get you laid yesterday.
You see, our buddy Alan here is kind of a guru when it comes to the long lost art of rhythmic-speed-bag-punch-drumming. He has released an instructional DVD on the concept, boldly and somewhat blasphemously titled “The Speed Bag Bible,” which you can purchase on Amazon for the low, low price of $19.77 (Free Shipping!). He also runs the website Speed Bag Central, a Texas-based you are already clicking the link, aren’t you? I don’t blame you; I’ve already ordered five copies of “The Speed Bag Bible” and plan on handing them out as Christmas gifts this year to the ones I hold dearest.
The speed bag is to Alan Kahn what a secretive mix of 11 herbs and spices was to Colonel Sanders, and his Youtube hits need to start reflecting how truly innovative this man is. If a 17 second clip of a sneezing baby Panda can attain over 150 million views, then this clip of Alan punch-drumming the Mortal Kombat theme should easily be able to reach into the hundreds of billions. So head over to the official speed bag Youtube page and check out all of Alan’s videos, which include covers of everything from Queen’s “Another One Bites the Dust” to The Who’s “Pinball Wizard.”
After the jump: Meet the rest of the punch-drumming gang through an And1-style mixtape that will instantly make you want to burn all of your old And1 mixtapes. Advanced warning.
In April 2011, Dan Severn became just the second fighter in MMA history to earn his 100th professional victory, following workaholic journeyman Travis Fulton. The simple fact that Severn was still an active cage-fighter 17 years after his UFC debut was surprising enough — let alone that he was still competing at least four times a year while in his 50s, and regularly whooping dudes half his age.
Joining the “100 Club” turned out to be the last great achievement in Severn’s marathon combat sports career, which is marked by a pair of All-American honors as a wrestler at Arizona State University, an induction into ASU’s wrestling Hall of Fame, two eight-man tournament sweeps in the UFC (at UFC 5 and Ultimate Ultimate 1995), a UFC Superfight Championship title, and an induction into the UFC Hall of Fame. On Monday, Dan “The Beast” Severn announced his official retirement from MMA at the age of 54, leaving an astounding career record of 101-19-7. Here’s his statement, taken from dansevern.com:
“Another Chapter, Comes to a Close”
The number one goal that I set for myself in 2012 was to be finished with my Mix Martial Arts Competition career. I was attempting to do my own self-directed retirement tour in the last couple of years reaching out to only three people…Mark Coleman, Ken Shamrock, and Royce Gracie. I spoke to two of them directly (Mark, and Ken), and through representative (MGR) for Royce. It seems as though these matches will not take place for whatever reasons and my life now goes on to the next chapter.
After watching several cartoonishly corny videos (the first above, more of which we will subject you to after the jump) we’re not sure what “Warrior Island” is, exactly, but from the little we can glean it is even more stupid than X-Arm. If you’re not familiar with X-Arm, watch this and realize the magnitude of the above claim.
We’ll mostly let the videos speak for themselves but it appears as if something called Global Proving Ground (GPG, to help this future pop culture phenomenon get rolling) is pitching a reality competition television show that will, in some way, include martial artists pitted against one another on an island. They are holding tryouts – you don’t want to miss the audition tapes below – and we, the ardent GPG fans will vote on who we want to see on the island, or something to that effect.
Oh yeah, they are also trying to bilk “fighters” out of $9.95/month for supposedly expert advice from a tatted up doctor that looks like every annoying guy at any MMA event ever.
In the opening trailer we see several shirtless, fat men running pained and barefoot through some vaguely Polynesian beach forest, at least one emaciated looking dude doing the same, and an unidentified Dan Severn jogging with a gray t shirt on.
The camera cuts to other exotic locations where actors perform the clunkiest sparring demonstrations you’ve ever seen: The world’s least flexible ninja doing Karate, two guys battling ever. so. slowly. with Wu Shu swords on the Great Wall of China, or something, while tinny-sounding sword clashing audio is superimposed over the video. Wait until you see the thrilling Pankration demonstration or the two guys who don’t know what Sambo is, demonstrating what Sambo is.
The audition tapes contain one perfectly nice gentleman that says he’s practiced Kung Fu every day since 1970. As he prances around delicately, completely off balance for fighting at almost every juncture, take comfort knowing that, no matter how bad your day is going, at least you haven’t wasted 42 years of your life doing something useless every day.
Audition tapes and an appeal from Dr. Douchebag after the jump.
Definitely. The thing about B.J. Penn is that what he brought to the lightweight division, there was a point in time when we first bought this company when people thought guys in the lighter weight divisions couldn’t be stars and couldn’t see pay-per-views and couldn’t cross over. B.J. Penn was definitely that first crossover guy for us. He’ll be back. It’s tough, when there are 16,000 people in the arena chanting your name, it’s tough to walk away from that. B.J. Penn is a fighter. You hear some of these guys, and Tito was one of these guys, he said he wanted to be famous. B.J. Penn is a fighter.
When addressing the possibility of Tito Ortiz joining those illustrious ranks, White did not shy away from the pair’s well-documented rocky history, and in fact stated that, in retrospect, it helped make the UFC what it is today.
(Yep. Just a couple of total badasses, right there.)
Do you know what today is, gentlemen? It’s the last day of Movember, which means that tomorrow you can finally shave your upper lip and return to a somewhat normal life. To celebrate, we’re proud to present the fourth and final installment of Dan Severn’s mailbag column, in which the famously-moustached UFC Hall of Famer shares his wisdom on worked fights, steroids, the death penalty, Chuck Norris’s beard, getting buck-ass naked in a parking lot, and more hot-button issues. Our deepest gratitude goes to Dan for gracing this website with his sense of humor and weird stories for the last month. Show him some love at DanSevern.com and his Facebook page.
But before we get into that, a couple parting notes about Movember. If you grew out an impressive mo’ this year, we encourage you to enter Break.com’s Show Off Your Mo contest for a chance to win a Samsung HD camera, and feel free to post a moustache pic on CagePotato’s Facebook wall. And if you still have some money left to donate, please consider doing it on KarmaAteMyCat’s CagePotato Mo Bro page. Karma’s tireless efforts have already raised $664 at the time of this writing — amazing work, bro — and he’s trying to break the $800 mark by the end of the day. Need more incentive than helping to fight testicular and prostate cancer? How ’bout this: Today’s biggest donor will receive a CagePotato t-shirt and, if you want it, a chance to write your own contributor column on CagePotato.
And now, the stunning conclusion of “Ask Dan”…
RwilsonR asks: Have you ever seen/been involved in/know anyone involved in any worked fights? Was this ever common practice with any promotions you have fought for?