(Insert whatever version of a “Ground-n-Pound” sex joke you see fit here.)

When UFC Hall of Famer Mark Coleman stormed onto the mixed martial arts scene in 1996 following a storied college wrestling career and top 10 placing in the 1992 Summer Olympics, he brought with him an economic, workman style of fighting that would lead him to championship glory on his first night out. The event was the aptly-named UFC 10: The Tournament, and after beating the rights to the nickname “The Hammer” out of Moti Horenstein in his very first fight (an agreement that Moti never honored), Coleman would take out veteran Gary Goodridge and UFC 8 tournament winner Don Frye in back-to-back fights to claim the tournament championship. Coleman would repeat this feat in even more dominant fashion at UFC 11 and would unify the Heavyweight and Superfight Championships at UFC 12 the following year by choking out fellow scary wrestler Dan Severn. With the victory, Coleman’s legacy as one of the sport’s pioneers was all but written in the history books.

But Coleman didn’t stop there. Over the next 14 years, Coleman would not only popularize but would be dubbed “The Godfather” of the wrestling-based, “ground-n-pound” attack that would lead him to a PRIDE openweight championship in 2000 and a list of victories over the likes of Mauricio Rua, Stephan Bonnar, and Igor Vovchanchyn to name a few. But as all good things must come to an end, so must the legendary career of the now 48 year-old Coleman. Although he hasn’t fought since his 2010 submission loss to Randy Couture — a bout that would mark the first Hall of Famer vs. Hall of Famer fight in UFC history — Coleman has decided to officially announce his retirement from the sport as of yesterday. “The Hammer,” who is scheduled to undergo hip surgery next week (because that’s what old people do, amiright? *self-fives*), posted the following on his Facebook:

Total Hip replacement next Monday. Ouch.

The hammer is done fighting. I know been done. Just looking for some prayers.

i thank everyone who will help me get through this. Have to pay to play sometimes. Only regret is could have worked harder.

Love you all live your dream.

After the jump: A look back at some of Coleman’s greatest moments, as well as one of his worst.

(Major props to Stan Horaczek for the find.)

Meet Alan “45 of these across the sneeze” Kahn, a self-described “frustrated drummer trying to get a work out” who is here to transport you back to the cocaine-filled fairy tale that was 1985 via the power of DeBarge’s “Rhythm of the Night,” which Alan will be rhythmically accompanying on his trusty 8×5 speed bag with a beat that will get you laid yesterday.

You see, our buddy Alan here is kind of a guru when it comes to the long lost art of rhythmic-speed-bag-punch-drumming. He has released an instructional DVD on the concept, boldly and somewhat blasphemously titled “The Speed Bag Bible,” which you can purchase on Amazon for the low, low price of $19.77 (Free Shipping!). He also runs the website Speed Bag Central, a Texas-based you are already clicking the link, aren’t you? I don’t blame you; I’ve already ordered five copies of “The Speed Bag Bible” and plan on handing them out as Christmas gifts this year to the ones I hold dearest.

The speed bag is to Alan Kahn what a secretive mix of 11 herbs and spices was to Colonel Sanders, and his Youtube hits need to start reflecting how truly innovative this man is. If a 17 second clip of a sneezing baby Panda can attain over 150 million views, then this clip of Alan punch-drumming the Mortal Kombat theme should easily be able to reach into the hundreds of billions. So head over to the official speed bag Youtube page and check out all of Alan’s videos, which include covers of everything from Queen’s “Another One Bites the Dust” to The Who’s “Pinball Wizard.”

After the jump: Meet the rest of the punch-drumming gang through an And1-style mixtape that will instantly make you want to burn all of your old And1 mixtapes. Advanced warning.

In April 2011, Dan Severn became just the second fighter in MMA history to earn his 100th professional victory, following workaholic journeyman Travis Fulton. The simple fact that Severn was still an active cage-fighter 17 years after his UFC debut was surprising enough — let alone that he was still competing at least four times a year while in his 50s, and regularly whooping dudes half his age.

Joining the “100 Club” turned out to be the last great achievement in Severn’s marathon combat sports career, which is marked by a pair of All-American honors as a wrestler at Arizona State University, an induction into ASU’s wrestling Hall of Fame, two eight-man tournament sweeps in the UFC (at UFC 5 and Ultimate Ultimate 1995), a UFC Superfight Championship title, and an induction into the UFC Hall of Fame. On Monday, Dan “The Beast” Severn announced his official retirement from MMA at the age of 54, leaving an astounding career record of 101-19-7. Here’s his statement, taken from dansevern.com:

“Another Chapter, Comes to a Close”

The number one goal that I set for myself in 2012 was to be finished with my Mix Martial Arts Competition career. I was attempting to do my own self-directed retirement tour in the last couple of years reaching out to only three people…Mark Coleman, Ken Shamrock, and Royce Gracie. I spoke to two of them directly (Mark, and Ken), and through representative (MGR) for Royce. It seems as though these matches will not take place for whatever reasons and my life now goes on to the next chapter.

After watching several cartoonishly corny videos (the first above, more of which we will subject you to after the jump) we’re not sure what “Warrior Island” is, exactly, but from the little we can glean it is even more stupid than X-Arm. If you’re not familiar with X-Arm, watch this and realize the magnitude of the above claim.

We’ll mostly let the videos speak for themselves but it appears as if something called Global Proving Ground (GPG, to help this future pop culture phenomenon get rolling) is pitching a reality competition television show that will, in some way, include martial artists pitted against one another on an island. They are holding tryouts – you don’t want to miss the audition tapes below – and we, the ardent GPG fans will vote on who we want to see on the island, or something to that effect.

Oh yeah, they are also trying to bilk “fighters” out of $9.95/month for supposedly expert advice from a tatted up doctor that looks like every annoying guy at any MMA event ever.

In the opening trailer we see several shirtless, fat men running pained and barefoot through some vaguely Polynesian beach forest, at least one emaciated looking dude doing the same, and an unidentified Dan Severn jogging with a gray t shirt on.

The camera cuts to other exotic locations where actors perform the clunkiest sparring demonstrations you’ve ever seen: The world’s least flexible ninja doing Karate, two guys battling ever. so. slowly. with Wu Shu swords on the Great Wall of China, or something, while tinny-sounding sword clashing audio is superimposed over the video. Wait until you see the thrilling Pankration demonstration or the two guys who don’t know what Sambo is, demonstrating what Sambo is.

The audition tapes contain one perfectly nice gentleman that says he’s practiced Kung Fu every day since 1970. As he prances around delicately, completely off balance for fighting at almost every juncture, take comfort knowing that, no matter how bad your day is going, at least you haven’t wasted 42 years of your life doing something useless every day.

Audition tapes and an appeal from Dr. Douchebag after the jump.

(My qualifications? HERE’S my stinking qualifications!)

It looks like we’ll have to start drafting up new t-shirts to falsely promise you guys, because according to a recent interview with MMAFighting, UFC President Dana White was rather frank about his desire for both former light heavyweight champion Tito Ortiz and former lightweight and welterweight champion B.J. Penn to be placed in the UFC Hall of Fame in the near future. Though the jury is still out on whether or not Penn will return to the octagon following his hasty retirement in the aftermath of UFC 137, DW had nothing but positives to say about “The Prodigy” when asked on the possibility of his placement in the HOF:

Definitely. The thing about B.J. Penn is that what he brought to the lightweight division, there was a point in time when we first bought this company when people thought guys in the lighter weight divisions couldn’t be stars and couldn’t see pay-per-views and couldn’t cross over. B.J. Penn was definitely that first crossover guy for us. He’ll be back. It’s tough, when there are 16,000 people in the arena chanting your name, it’s tough to walk away from that. B.J. Penn is a fighter. You hear some of these guys, and Tito was one of these guys, he said he wanted to be famous. B.J. Penn is a fighter.

So there you have it, Penn will join long-time rival Matt Hughes, as well as Randy Couture, Ken Shamrock, Dan Severn, Mark Coleman, Royce Gracie, Chuck Liddell, and Tapout co-founder Charles “Mask” Lewis in that deluxe octagon in the sky. After a pair of unsuccessful title bids at 155, Penn won the welterweight title in his welterweight debut by defeating the then untouchable Hughes by first round rear-naked choke at UFC 46. Penn would vacate the UFC shortly thereafter, citing a lack of challenging fights, and would not taste UFC gold again until beating the ever-loving shit out of Joe Stevenson at UFC 80 to claim the vacant lightweight strap. He would defend the belt three times until being upended by Frankie Edgar at UFC 112.

When addressing the possibility of Tito Ortiz joining those illustrious ranks, White did not shy away from the pair’s well-documented rocky history, and in fact stated that, in retrospect, it helped make the UFC what it is today.

Hear more from The Baldfather after the jump. 

(Yep. Just a couple of total badasses, right there.)

Do you know what today is, gentlemen? It’s the last day of Movember, which means that tomorrow you can finally shave your upper lip and return to a somewhat normal life. To celebrate, we’re proud to present the fourth and final installment of Dan Severn’s mailbag column, in which the famously-moustached UFC Hall of Famer shares his wisdom on worked fights, steroids, the death penalty, Chuck Norris’s beard, getting buck-ass naked in a parking lot, and more hot-button issues. Our deepest gratitude goes to Dan for gracing this website with his sense of humor and weird stories for the last month. Show him some love at DanSevern.com and his Facebook page.

But before we get into that, a couple parting notes about Movember. If you grew out an impressive mo’ this year, we encourage you to enter Break.com’s Show Off Your Mo contest for a chance to win a Samsung HD camera, and feel free to post a moustache pic on CagePotato’s Facebook wall. And if you still have some money left to donate, please consider doing it on KarmaAteMyCat’s CagePotato Mo Bro page. Karma’s tireless efforts have already raised $664 at the time of this writing — amazing work, bro — and he’s trying to break the $800 mark by the end of the day. Need more incentive than helping to fight testicular and prostate cancer? How ’bout this: Today’s biggest donor will receive a CagePotato t-shirt and, if you want it, a chance to write your own contributor column on CagePotato.

And now, the stunning conclusion of “Ask Dan”…

RwilsonR asks: Have you ever seen/been involved in/know anyone involved in any worked fights? Was this ever common practice with any promotions you have fought for?

(Video courtesy of YouTube/blackknight101066)

You would assume that a much-heated football rivalry from nearly 50 years ago would have fizzled by now, but apparently old habits die hard.

During a luncheon Friday for the Canadian Football League alumni in Vancouver, BC, former BC Lions’ quarterback Joe Kapp and former Hamilton Tiger-Cats’ defensive tackle Angelo Mosca proved that there was no love lost between them when the 73 year olds came to blows on the dais.

(“Nice hipster glasses, buddy! Let’s see what they look like…SUPLEXED!!!!” Photo via Dan’s Facebook page.)

In this week’s installment of his mailbag column for CagePotato.com, UFC Hall of Famer Dan Severn discusses a memorably bloody Vale Tudo match, the greatest night of his career, and the technique that he wants to see banned from the sport.

DARKHORSE06 asks: What is the worst injury you ever received?

The worst injury I’ve ever received in my career has probably been a cut. One time I was competing in Brazil back in the No Holds Barred days — known as Vale Tudo in Brazil — and my opponent hit me with a big overhand right that split open my top lip. When I grabbed hold of him to try and shake some of the cobwebs out of my head I noticed he was covered in baby oil so I couldn’t get him down.

In the clinch, my opponent threw a knee up that hit me in the mouth and split my bottom lip open. Somehow he was able to get me into the corner and I couldn’t really see as he started trying to attack me with knees, stomps and other techniques of that nature. I was trying to think of some way out when suddenly it dawned on me to suck the blood off my face and into my mouth. Once it was in my mouth, I would basically just spit the blood into my opponent’s face because it was not against the rules. As my opponent looked away so as not to get any blood spit at him, that’s when I got the upper hand, swept his feet out from underneath him and dropped him down on his butt.

(Beast-Mode: He invented it.)

Thanks to everybody who submitted questions to Dan Severn last week! Today’s installment of Dan’s no-holds-barred Q&A column is loaded with classic stories and grown-man wisdom, so get comfortable and read on. You can support the MMA living legend by visiting DanSevern.com and Dan’s Facebook page, and you can support us by kicking in a few bucks to CagePotato’s Movember Team Page. Keep growing them mo’s, and post your latest moustache photos on our Facebook wall…

skeletor asks: Did you ever feel bad during the no holds barred/no weight classes days destroying guys that were so much smaller then you?

Dan Severn: I never felt bad because of size difference but I did sort of feel bad in general because it was not in my nature to be violent. For example, when I had Oleg Taktarov in the cage and was dropping knees on him, and he couldn’t defend himself. The match wasn’t being halted and he didn’t have the rational mindset to tap out. Even my first loss against Royce Gracie, I was staring right into a man’s soul realizing what crude submissions that I knew weren’t working and recognizing that I was going to have to strike this guy. So I struggled more with my conscience then I ever did with an opponent. I think I am cut from a different cloth than a lot of different fighters who came from checkered pasts and were used to getting into fights. I wasn’t used to that. For instance, if you look at the fight between me and Ken Shamrock, he was adopted and grew up on the mean streets fighting. My upbringing was completely different. I don’t really understand that mentality.

When I was inside Royce’s guard, from my perspective I was in the dominant position because as a wrestler, I was used to being on top. As I am fighting I can see Royce looking over to his father in his corner, and I could see exactly what was going through his mind. His mind was saying, “Hey dad, I’m hanging in here but if you want to throw in the towel, I wouldn’t hold it against you.” Helio actually had the towel in his hand and lifted his arm up a little bit and then shook his head no. I remember thinking, you old bastard…you would sacrifice your kid for Gracie Jiu-Jitsu.

(Severn and Shamrock: They were like the Michael Jackson and Prince of big, white grapplers who competed in early ’90s no-holds-barred matches.)

Happy Movember, everybody! In honor of the hairiest month of the year, we convinced UFC Hall of Famer Dan Severn to write a weekly column for CagePotato.com. For the first installment, he plucked some topics from our Facebook page, but he’s up for answering anything about his life, career, and moustache, so drop your own suggestions in the comments section. Visit DanSevern.com and Dan’s Facebook page for more Beast-related updates, and join the CagePotato Movember team if you want to help support a good cause!

Matthew Poulin asks: How many fights do you still want?

Dan Severn: It’s not so much how many fights I want to have. I want specific fights right now. I’ve had some verbal offers but haven’t had the opportunity to bring some of these matches to life. Two particular matches I’m still interested are ones with Mark Coleman and Ken Shamrock. Realistically, I think that 2012 will be my final year as an MMA competitor. So whatever gets done gets done; whatever doesn’t, I’ll have to learn to live with I guess.

(Ah, 2007. A very fine year for gogoplatas. / Photo via Sherdog)

By Ben Goldstein

Over the last two decades, MMA has evolved so consistently that fighters are still finding new and unexpected ways to destroy their opponents — while causing fans to spit their beers in shock. We decided to take a lil’ spin through MMA history and identify the single most awe-inspiring technique from each year since the sport’s modern inception. We expect you to disagree with us; there’s a comments section just for that purpose. And away we go…

1993: Royce Gracie’s Rear-Naked Choke
vs. Ken Shamrock @ UFC 1, 11/12/93

(Fight starts at the 3:54 mark)

You have to remember that in the early ’90s, a well-placed roundhouse kick to the head was considered the pinnacle of martial arts. What Royce Gracie introduced to fight fans in his early UFC run was something much more practical, less flashy, and a little bit scary. Gracie’s submission of Ken Shamrock — and the similar hold he used to stop Gerard Gordeau in the finals — proved that skill beat size, and pajamas beat man-panties.

1994: Dan Severn’s Suplexes
vs. Anthony Macias @ UFC 4, 12/16/94

(You can make fun of your opponent’s voice, and you can trash his fighting style. But mock a man’s sideburns, and you’re asking for the worst beating of your life.)

Start sharpening your razors, folks: We’re just eight days away from the official start of Movember! To help get you in the moustache-growing spirit, we’ve put together a photo gallery of our favorite facial hair arrangements in MMA history, which you can check out after the jump.

(Props: TheStar)

After four thrilling installments, “Ask Gary” is riding off into the sunset. Gary Goodridge has one more column left in the tank before calling it quits, so please deposit your final burning questions into the comments section below, and we’ll make sure he gets ‘em. If you missed any of Gary’s previous columns for CagePotato, click here.

Still, when one door closes, another opens — and another hulking MMA legend walks through it. We’re pleased to announce that we’ve lined up UFC Hall of Famer Dan Severn to do his own CagePotato column, which will follow the same mailbag format as Gary’s (unless we come up with something better). Got any questions related to the Beast’s 17-year, 124-fight career? Let’s hear it. As always, thanks for supporting the fighters who built this sport while you were, you know, on your father’s nutsack.

By all rights he should have been at home last night, falling asleep at 9pm with a VHS tape of “Murder She Wrote” episodes playing quietly in the background, but 53-year-old Dan Severn had other plans–namely to lock himself in the cage with a kid half his age and duke it out. It wasn’t Severn’s night, though, as he was knocked out in the first round by 26 year old Lee “The Beast” Beane (no relation). A right hook sent Severn crashing to the canvas where he absorbed several hard shots until Beane called an end to the bout on the referee’s behalf. Had Severn prevailed over the now 8-2 Beane, it would have marked his 100th official win, though countless others took place long ago in smaller shows where fastidious note taking often takes a back seat to wet t-shirt contests and clearing out before the cops arrive.

Severn’s ten fight win streak was halted several weeks ago by a third-round TKO courtesy of Ryan Fortin at “King of the Cage- Mile Zero”. That Severn is fighting so regularly and (until recently) with a fair amount of success is impressive, but as we’ve seen with Chuck Liddell and more recently Randy Couture, there comes a time when every fighter must hang up the gloves. If this knockout marks the end of The Beast’s wild ride, our hats go off to him. At fifty-three years old he’s bested more than a hundred men, a feat that very few can claim.

There are many things we’d love to see in Rio. A 52 year old in manties is not one of them.

Well this just keeps getting weirder and weirder. Ever since Royce Gracie announced his intentions to compete at UFC Rio, we’ve been wondering exactly who the UFC could possibly find for him to fight. Naturally, Art Jimmerson answered, with zero implications of sarcasm, that he would like to fight Royce Gracie. Now, presumably before Tito Ortiz could get around to it, UFC legend Dan Severn has decided to call out Royce Gracie. Highlights from a press release from Dan Severn’s camp available after the jump.

(Those "breaking glass" sound effects don’t program themselves, people. VidProps: YouTube/Elite1 MMA)

Couple things you need to know about this Elite1 MMA promotion that will reportedly give ancient old man Dan Severn a chance to win its heavyweight title this Saturday night at a casino in Moncton, New Brunswick (that’s in Canada): First, current champ Scott Fraser is just 3-1 and two of those wins come over the same guy – an apparent light heavyweight named Dan Fowler, who is 2-3 overall but was a respectable 2-1 the first time he and Fraser fought. The other guy Fraser beat? One Jeff “Viking” Lundburg, who is currently 1-7 and riding a four-fight losing streak. Don’t tell Justin Wren about this, you guys. For the record, that gives Severn (listed at 96-16-7, by Sherdog) an experience edge of 115 fights over Fraser.

The second thing you need to know about Elite1 MMA? A cool $40 (Canadian) will get you in the door, so if you live anywhere in the greater Northumberland Straight-area, you might as well check it out. Severn, who’s been averaging a half-dozen fights per year since 1994, is in the midst of a seven fight win-streak and has won 18-of-his-last-20, all over no-name dudes at smaller shows. His last six bouts were all fought under the King of the Cage banner, so they probably weren’t even fixed. Probably.

Fun fact: According to the Dog’s fight finder, in 119 fights Severn has only been knocked out once. Top that, Couture.

(The last time Big Daddy got paid on time and in full.)

By Cage Potato contributor Chris Colemon

Only 17 years removed from its inaugural bout, the UFC is just now exiting its awkward teen years and developing into a suave, sophisticated adult. After an extended bout of growing pains that at times threatened the sport’s very existence, MMA is finally coming into its own. Today’s fans witness seemingly daily achievements and milestones that speak to the sport’s rapid expansion. In 2010 alone, the UFC held its first events in Abu Dhabi and Australia, opened offices in China, set a new North American attendance record for an MMA event, crowned its first Mexican heavyweight champion, and launched their first attack in the Battle for New York.

But the UFC’s epic tale is not unlike any other in that each chapter begins where another one ends. For every historic first, there is an all but forgotten last.

Here is a short list of some of the UFC’s important lasts – the rules and regulations sacrificed in the fight for our sport’s survival.

Check them out after the jump.

(Skip to the 3:15 mark to hear Coleman’s thoughts on the rule changes in MMA that forced him to "learn a lot of other skills.")

Those of you who became MMA fans somewhere between "Iron Ring" and “Bully Beatdown” might not realize this, but there was a time when Mark Coleman was a holy terror as a fighter. We know, he didn’t look like it against Randy Couture at UFC 109, but give the guy a break. He’s 45 years-old and has been using his body (and sometimes his head) as a weapon to hurt other men since 1996. That stuff is bound to take a toll on you, which is why Couture is the exception and not the rule.

After his loss on Saturday night it now seems like Coleman is done, or at least done in the UFC.  At the very real risk of eulogizing Coleman’s career too soon, as we did with Mirko “Cro Cop” Filipovic’s – Christ, doesn’t anyone quit this sport when they should? – we’d like to pay tribute to the monster Coleman used to be by looking back at some of his finest MMA moments.

When Joe Rogan declared the beginning of “the Machida Era” at UFC 98, the Dragon became just the latest in a string of dominant fighters who have defined MMA and its development with their unique styles. In this sport, there always seems to be one or two guys who are way ahead of the pack, just waiting for everybody else to catch up. So we decided to go back and recreate MMA’s historical timeline by “era” — starting with you know who…

The Royce Gracie Era: November ‘93 – April ‘95

If the first UFC events were “infomercials for Gracie Jiu Jitsu," then Royce Gracie was the mothafuckin’ Slap Chop. Among all the dojo theorists and tough guys of dubious origin in the brackets at UFC 1-4, Royce was the only one who knew how to finish a fight in the real world, thanks to the grappling system his family had been honing for decades. And when martial arts enthusiasts saw the nondescript gi-clad fighter control opponents from his back and submit them with an arsenal of choke-holds and arm-locks, it was love at first sight.

Famously, the 170-pounder was chosen over his older, larger, and more intimidating-looking brother Rickson to represent the Gracie family in the UFC because Royce’s success would prove that a smaller man could beat larger ones through proper technique. Though Royce would take a five-year break from competition after his tedious 36-minute draw against Ken Shamrock at UFC 5, he’d fulfilled his objective by then: America had learned the Gracie name, and the BJJ phenomenon had officially begun.

You were wondering how Brett Rogers feels about getting spurned by Elite XC in favor Ken Shamrock? Five Ounces of Pain has the scoop in a statement on behalf of Brett Rogers. Things start out all puppy dogs and rainbows in regards to the way Elite XC is handling their business, but don’t worry, Shamrock and “Fergi” get their come-uppance at the end:

As for Oct 4th; that was our spot. Shamrock with his name and giant ego butted in line to get a slice of Kevin. At 103 years of age Ken usurped our rightful place against the YouTube champ. Our sincerest hope is that Ken whips Kimbo and then we can finally euthanize the “World’s Most Dangerous Man” and relegate him to some MMA dinosaur exhibit. Maybe taxidermy him and Severn and place them on a rotating pedestal where they can endless circle each other.

If Ken proves to be more sham then rock and Fergi beats him, then the Slice hype grows even greater. Dude is already more myth then Sasquatch, Chupacabra and a fucking unicorn combined. Kevin is the black Yeti.

Caught between a Shamrock and a hard place, Kevin has chosen the old over the new; the past over the future. But Fergi… the hard place is coming. By putting us off, making us wait will only make matters worse. There is nothing business about it anymore. Kimbo made it a point to go frontin’ to our boys at Big Black. But that street thug B.S. might work well with the fan bois and the Internet dorks who think your street cred means something; but Son… Brett comes from Cabrini Green; the worst 12 blocks of America. Compared to that your street is Sesame Street. So you can say it is very personal between Brett and Fergi. So go ahead and make us wait while you fight Tank and Shamrock. Hell, why not fight Hackney, Harold Howard, Fred Ettish and the rest of Jurassic MMA? And while your shuckin’ and duckin’ we will be hustlin’ and muscilin’ and when the bell finally tolls the only real question left is … do you wake up looking at canvas or arena lights?

On behalf of Brett Rogers – Team Bison

Wow. Black Yeti? Shuckin’ and duckin’? Hustlin’ and musclin’? Sounds like the official trash-talking statement writer over at Team Bison is doing work, son.

(Skip Hall, right, poses with his last opponent, spring chicken Kelly Rundle.)

Fightlinker had a good find today from a recent NBCSports story about Skip Hall. Skip is reportedly the oldest active MMA fighter in the world at a spry 63-years-old. He’s said to have fought in over 12 pro fights, although “pro” may be a loose term — Sherdog has his record at 2-4. It’s a pretty decent article about a man who is clearly nuts to still be taking shots to the gut at his age.

The piece also announced Hall’s retirement, which will take effect after Saturday night’s Dixie Throwdown V in Alabama. He will face the 1-1 Kelly Rundle. What Skip Hall is probably best known for is setting the unofficial combined age record for an MMA match when he fought Dan Severn back in 2006. However, he’ll break that on Saturday when he and Rundle creak into battle — they are a combined 111. That makes Rundle…well, I don’t have my calculator watch handy, so do your own math.

The article brings up other old dudes in sports, like Billy Crystal taking a bat recently for the Yankees a day before his 60th birthday (which is ridiculous), and the 59-year-old fart who barely played Division III football last year. But really, the only other comparisons would be like your grandfather being a starting lineman for the Packers or playing wing for the Flyers. The question is posed “how good would he have been” had Hall been a young man when MMA started up. While that’s up for debate, there’s no denying that just having the balls to still do this at the age of 63 is kinda’ cool. Even if he does poop his pants when he takes a shot.

When Don Frye, Oleg Taktarov, Gary Goodridge or Maurice Smith book an MMA match at the ripe age of forty-something, it’s an event. When 53-year-old Dan Severn fights, it’s just something to do on a Saturday night after the early-bird special. Since his MMA debut at UFC 4 in December 1994, “The Beast” (the original one, not the God-awful one) has never fought less than five times in a given year, and has racked up a record of 83-15-7 along the way. Last year he went 7-1; in 2004, he fought a full 12 times.

And he’s not making his living in big-money freak-show matches against other throwbacks, either, but in small regional promotions, far away from any kind of mainstream recognition. Severn fights because he loves it, not to prove a point. According to this press release, his next bout will be against Irish brawler Colin Robinson at a MAX Xtreme Fighting event in Belfast on March 9th. Even though Robinson hasn’t looked very slick in his UFC appearances — Eddie Sanchez TKO’d him at UFC 72, and he suffered a bizarre 17-second loss to Antoni Hardonk at UFC 80 — there’s no way he’ll take it easy on the old man, especially in front of an Irish crowd.

Anyway, we just wanted to give it up for one of MMA’s true pioneers. Now enjoy this video of Severn making his UFC debut at the expense of Anthony Macias’s spine. (Holy Christ, those suplexes.) This was back in the good ol’ days, before there were weight divisions, and when baby-blue high-top Asics were an acceptable part of a fighter’s attire.

(Props: FightOpinion)

By CagePotato.com contributor Kipp Tribble

10. Dan Severn (80-15-7)

Yes, he’s a UFC Hall-of-Famer who still racks up wins in smaller organizations. He’s also 53 goddamned years old. That has to be retirement age for a mixed martial artist. At this point in his life, he should be sipping Metamucil coladas and yelling at kids to get off of his lawn, not rolling on the mat with guys half his age. But we’ll vote to let “The Beast” stick around for at least one more match to see if he can maintain bladder control when socked in the gut.

9. Elvis Sinosic (8-11-2)

His retarded nickname is bad enough; his consistent mediocrity is absolutely inexcusable. Let’s start with the fact that he just got knocked out at Cage Rage by Paul Cahoon — a fighter playing .500 ball himself — in a mere 21 seconds. Well played, King, well played. While he may still have some fights left in him, we’d rather not risk having to yawn through another of his sleepwalk matches. Go back to Australia and rock ‘n rumble with the ‘roos, Elvis. They’ll probably take longer than 21 seconds to knock your middling ass out.

8. Nick Diaz (15-7, 1 NC)

Nick gets a spot on the list not for his positive marijuana test or terminated UFC contracts, but for his volcanic eye sockets. By now, the guy isn’t able to make it through one round without his eyelids shredding, the result of a rare condition also known as “shitty defense that causes your fragile face to get punched in.” We felt his pain when the doctor stopped his fight against K.J. Noons at EliteXC: Renegade, but unless he’s allowed to step into the ring wearing safety goggles, Little Nicky’s gotta go.