(Word has it that Torres attempted to lure Bowles’ sister into his “surprise van” after the weigh-ins. Big mistake, bro. / Photo courtesy of Getty Images.) 

We’re pretty convinced the real Brian Bowles died in 2011. Following his submission loss to Urijah Faber at UFC 139, Bowles vanished from the MMA scene without a trace and no one seems to know why. Go ahead, try and find a Brian Bowles interview, injury update, photo, credit card receipt, Twitter update or Facebook wall post dated to 2012. You will not. Brian Bowles was as much alive in 2012 as Caylee Anthony.

But unlike the subject of that distasteful and completely unnecessary comparison, it seems Brian Bowles has been given a second chance at life. That, or the Mangalor that is wearing his face has decided to give this MMA thing a try. In either case, Bowles has been booked against fellow WEC vet George Roop at UFC 160, which transpires on May 25th in Las Vegas.

Roop didn’t have a much better 2012 than Bowles, suffering a mouthpiece-ejecting KO to Cub Swanson in his only octagon appearance. This year has already proved more successful for the TUF 8 alum, who was able to outpoint Reuben Duran at UFC 158. Although if history is any indication, Roop’s 2013 is about to get a lot worse.

Also booked for UFC 160…

(Damn, Brittney, where’d you get those vintage Brawlin’ Buddies?)

It’s a good time to be Chad Mendes, Nation. Not only has he been all but cleared of the battery charges he was facing following a massive bar brawl in October, but the UFC apparently feels so bad for sacrificing his undefeated virginity to Jose Aldo at UFC 142 that they’ve thrown him three straight gimme fights against dudes who would be lucky to wash his jockstrap at Team Alpha Male.

First he got called out by Cody McKenzie, which somewhat justified their insane pairing at UFC 148 (which ended in just over 30 seconds, by the way). And last weekend, Mendes dispatched promotional newcomer Yaotzin Meza in just under two minutes at UFC on FX 6. That’s two fights at 36K a piece with a total fight time of under half a round. No wonder he calls himself “Money,” the dude’s somehow become the most efficient worker in the UFC. Think about that for a second, Potato Nation, then take a moment to wonder aloud why Mendes has been paired against TUF 5 runner-up Manny Gamburyan at UFC 157.

“Honesly, Dennis, it’s going to take more than few circumvallate papillae to frighten moi!” (Original images: MMADiehards.com & RazziMe/JohnPorter)

We’re just a few of months away from the UFC’s return to broadcast tv, but the ‘UFC on FOX 3′ card is still filling out.

When we last (and first) saw Nick Denis, he was caving in the skull of Joseph Sandoval via standing hellbows on the ‘UFC on FX: Guillard vs. Miller‘ card. That impressive 22-second debut has earned him a return bout against TUF alum Johnny Bedford. “Brutal” fell to season 14 champion John Dodson in the show’s semi-finals, but returned at the TUF 14 Finale to absolutely bulldoze future-flyweight Louis Gaudinot.

Two other TUF vets, Dennis Bermudez and Pablo Garza, will square off on the May 5^th card. Bermudez looked to be seconds away from finishing off Diego Brandao when the crafty Brazilian latched on an armbar and snagged the first ever TUF featherweight plaque. Garza lost his elimination bout to enter the season 12 Ultimate Fighter house as well as his WEC debut, but was brought to the UFC where he picked up consecutive first round stoppages over Fredson Paixao (via “Lawn Chair KO“) and Yves Jabouin. “The Scarecrow” is looking to bounce back from his second round submission loss to the streaking Dustin Poirier.

The rest of the card is after the jump.

What a couple of weeks it has been for the avid Jiu Jitsu fanatic. Diego Brandao scored a brilliant last second submission over Dennis Bermudez to walk away with a UFC contract and a down payment on his momma’s new house, Frank Mir added the most prized arm of all to his collection (a feeling that Mir would later refuse to go into detail about, but we imagine felt something like this), and Jon Jones used his Stretch Armstrong genetics to choke out a Jiu Jitsu black belt in Lyoto Machida with relative ease. And with each beautiful, gruesome, or eye opening technique that graces the octagon, Ryron and Rener are here to make sense of it all.

Today, the Gracie brothers touch on Tony Ferguson’s slick omaplata attempt from his unanimous decision victory over Yves Edwards at the TUF 14 Finale as well as Brandao’s glass plaque-earning effort before breaking down possibly the most shocking submission finish in MMA history, Frank Mir’s come from behind kimura over Antonio Rodrigo Nogueria that absolutely destroyed the Brazilian’s arm, a picture of which can be seen after the jump:

(Aw man, he’s a Mormon? We just assumed he was a *normal* insane Christian, like Diego Sanchez. / Props: MMAJunkie)

From what we hear, Brazilian real estate is a buyer’s market right now. That’s good news for Diego Brandao, who earned enough bonus money last night to get his beloved mother a decent ranch house near all the good favelas. The UFC handed out $40,000 performance bonuses to the following TUF 14 Finale competitors:

Fight of the Night: Diego Brandao and Dennis Bermudez for their dramatic one-rounder, in which odds-on favorite Brandao started strong, then nearly got TKO’d, then pulled an armbar directly out of his ass with nine seconds left in the round.

Knockout of the Night: John Dodson, for generating an incredible amount of torque from that tiny body and smashing TJ Dillashaw in under two minutes.

Submission of the Night: Diego Brandao again, for armbarring victory out of the jaws of defeat.

And as we mentioned in yesterday’s liveblog, $25,000 “Best of the Season” bonuses were also awarded to these TUF 14 Finale competitors…

(“You maaaad, you maaaaad, you maaaaad!” Photo via MMAMania)

Tonight, TUF as we know it comes to an end. Before us lies a shadowy, uncertain world of live fights aired on F/X on Friday nights and international spin-offs. But no matter what comes next, you can feel secure in the fact that we’ll still be complaining about the show just as much as we always have, because we know no other way to live.

Welcome, friends, to our liveblog of The Ultimate Fighter: Team Bisping vs. Team Miller Finale. On the menu this evening — Diego Brandao and Dennis Bermudez battle to decide the first featherweight TUF winner in UFC history, while John Dodson and TJ Dillashaw do the same for the bantamweights. Plus, heavy-handed TUF 13 winner Tony Ferguson steps up against seasoned vet Yves Edwards, and in the main event, Michael Bisping looks to remove the smirk off the face of his latest rival, Jason “Mayhem” Miller, who will be making his first Octagon appearance in over six years.

Round-by-round results from the TUF 14 Finale main card on Spike TV will be piling up after the jump beginning at 8 p.m. ET. Refresh the page every few minutes for all the latest.

The Ultimate Fighter 14 Finale is just two days away, and though the bookies haven’t given us much to work with, we decided to throw y’all some last minute betting advice come fight night in case you plan on bluffing the piss out of Johnny Chan in the Palms Casino afterward. Check out the betting lines, courtesy of BestFightOdds, along with the almighty wisdom of the Great Potato, below.

Main Card (Spike TV)
Michael Bisping (-185) vs. Jason Miller (+160)
T.J. Dillashaw (-205) vs. John Dodson (+165)
Diego Brandao (-320) vs. Dennis Bermudez (+250)
Tony Ferguson (-255) vs. Yves Edwards (+205)

The Main Event: Let’s get right to it. Bisping has a lot of advantages going into this fight: he’s never been submitted, which is Miller’s bread and butter, he’s fought more in the past year, and he has considerably less pressure on him than Mayhem, who is out to prove to casual and hardcore fans alike that he is more than just a goofball TV personality. And we all know that Bisping will do anything, and I mean anything, to destroy those who slander him publicly, so Miller will most definitely be facing at a steep hill to climb for his first appearance in the octagon since 2005. But there are a couple crucial outside factors here. As Miller has stated, he is one hard headed son of a bitch, and despite what Bisping’s record says, have we ever seen him truly overwhelm an opponent as tough as Mayhem on the feet? You could argue Denis Kang, but I would respond to that argument with a pat on your head and a condescending chuckle.

(It’s funny until you realize that his little dog is in that backpack. And then it’s absolutely hilarious. GIF via IronForgesIron)

We’re heading into the home stretch of TUF 14: Team Asshole vs. Team Goofball, and the bloom is definitely off the rose. At this point, I just want to see the coaches settle their beef at the finale show next month. I’d also like to see Diego Brandao whip some more ass. Other than that, I’m only watching/writing this out of habit. How many dumb pranks can grown men can play on each other? Even when they involve Mariachi bands, it’s just…I don’t know. There are more important things happening in our country right now.

The TUF house has reached a Heathers-level of cliquey-ness. You got the Bible thumpers, the card players, and the dudes with anger issues/crazy hair/dark skin. And hey, you know who Akira Corassani doesn’t like? That bitch-ass Bryan Caraway. “He’s like a little girl,” Akira says. “He wakes up in the morning, he takes like 25 minutes to make his hair.”

So, Akira sneaks into Bryan’s bedroom in the middle of the night and shaves off a piece of his hair. Caraway chases him to an upstairs balcony, where Akira is giggling with his bros. Instead of brawling with the whole gang, Bryan threatens non-specific vengeance sometime in the future. “Y’know, what we do in life echoes in eternity, and this right here I’m going to laugh about my whole life,” Akira says, COMPLETELY MISSING THE POINT OF GLADIATOR. Look, spoiler alert, Akira gets choked out at the end of this episode and it’s awesome. Sorry guys, I had to.

Bisping helps Stephan Bass prepare for a fight by pounding on him all day, like you do. GIFProps: ZombieProphet/IFI

It’s double-header week, and there’s no time wasted with extraneous detail — we’re right into discussion of the second featherweight fight picks. Jon Dodson is still insider trading with his boys on Team Death Leperkon Lepracon Leapercorn Lucky Charms Mascots, and Louis Gaudinot passes along the scoop: Miller will announce Dennis Bermudez (Miller’s #1) versus Stephan Bass (Bisping’s #4). Bisping celebrates this intelligence coup by assigning Bass triple practice time. Most of this practice time consists of beating up Bass, blacking his eye in the process.

For the actual fight announcement, Bisping is so confident in his coaching to this point that he feels no need to actually attend the meeting. Miller puts a jersey on a sparring dummy and does an Australian accent, which is kinda close if you don’t really think about it. He goes on to confirm the fight we all already knew was coming.