DISCLAIMER: This feature is purely a satirical piece- you know, like the title explicitly states. Any references to real people and events are purely for comedic effect. Nothing you are about to read is actual news, and no quotes used in this article are authentic quotes. In short, don’t take anything you are about to read as a real news story.

Pictured: How drug abusing MMA fighters would look if they had some dignity.

The general public has been outraged over Chael Sonnen’s recent comments defending Alistair Overeem, and do not seem to be willing to forgive and forget any time soon. Sonnen defended Overeem on the basis that Overeem simply had an elevated testosterone-to-epitestosterone ratio, and did not test positive for an illegal substance. However, many still believe that Overeem’s elevated T:E ratio was caused by testosterone usage. If true (and it certainly looks true), it gives him an unfair advantage at his job, and therefore is completely unacceptable.

“This is an outrage!” cried Sean Franchetti, a journalist for the popular MMA news outlet Cage Crapato, while snorting his third Adderall of the week. “SorryaboutthatIhave…I have four feature articles due by tomorrow morning, and there’s no way I can do all that without snorting a few lines first.”

(Junie Browning: Ready for the orgy.)

Anybody who watched the eighth season of The Ultimate Fighter could tell you that Junie Allen Browning is as crazy as a peach-orchard boar. But after moving to Las Vegas to train full-time, it seemed like "The Lunatic" was slowly going sane. Well, not so much. According to the Las Vegas Review Journal (via CageWriter), Browning was rushed to St. Rose Dominican Hospital on Tuesday night after taking 16 Klonopin pills in an apparent suicide attempt. It was just the beginning of Junie’s troubles:

(Photo courtesy of MMAFrenzy.com.)

We previously mentioned that UFC lightweight Melvin Guillard had to pull out of his UFC 90 bout with Spencer Fisher for undisclosed reasons. Well, now those reasons are disclosed — and it ain’t lookin’ good. Sherdog is reporting that the Young Assassin is in custody at the Harris County jail in Houston, due to an August 13th arrest for violating probation on a 2007 drug charge. Guillard will be released to a drug treatment facility “as soon as space becomes available per the terms of his recently amended probation.” And it probably won’t be one of those cushy drug treatment facilities that lets patients take days off to go fight in Chicago, so there you have it.

Of course, this isn’t the first time Guillard has had drug/legal trouble since his UFC career began in 2005. The New Orleans native was suspended for eight months after testing positive for cocaine following a submission loss to Joe Stevenson at UFC Fight Night 9 in April 2007. (Guillard admitted using the drug six days before the fight, thinking it would be out of his system within 72 hours.) Four months later, he was arrested for possession of a controlled substance, but got off with a fine and two years probation — which he has now violated.

If you’ve been keeping score, that’s three strikes. Unfortunately, Guillard’s not nearly valuable enough to the UFC for them to keep giving him chances; we’d expect a semi-official announcement of his dismissal sometime this week. Guillard is still an exciting-enough fighter to continue to get work in smaller shows, but we’re more concerned about his health and well-being at this point. Let’s hope his latest incident compels him to clean up for good…

You thought it couldn’t get worse for James Irvin after his 61-second destruction at the hands of Anderson Silva at UFC Fight Night 14. You were dead wrong. Turns out Irvin’s post-fight urine sample was positive for both methadone and oxymorphone. That’s right, methadone, as in what they give to help recovering heroin addicts. And that’s also right, oxymorphone, the semi-synthetic opiod that is 6-8 times more potent than morphine. Damn, James Irvin. Sup?

Because this is undoubtedly a rough time for “The Sandman” we’ll refrain from jokes suggesting that if he was on these narcotic pain relievers before the bout with Silva, he may have to rob a pharmacy to get through his recovery afterwards. Instead we’ll just say that we’re very curious to hear an explanation and to see what steps the UFC and Nevada State Athletic Commission will take with something like this. Irvin has twenty days to respond and contest the results, or else it’s likely to be fine and suspension time.

Both drugs are considered “banned substances”, but are they performance enhancing? Will he suffer a suspension and fine similar to Nick Diaz, who the NSAC accused of being so doped up (on weed, no less) that he was virtually impervious to pain?

Guess we’ll wait and see. In the meantime, let’s just be glad that everyone else who was tested on the card came back clean.

Update: Justin Levens also tested positive for oxymorphone before the Affliction card that he didn’t even fight on (his bout was scratched due to time issues). He’s been fined $1,000 and is suspended until January 15. All without stepping into the ring.

From Sherdog — for the first time since checking into a Brazilian rehab facility last month, undefeated WEC middleweight champ Paulo Filho speaks about his condition and his delayed rematch with Chael Sonnen. Apparently, Filho was addicted to “Rupinal” (possibly referring to Rohypnol, aka “the date rape drug”), and had been suffering from depression even before his first fight in America. As far as Sonnen, “What I have to say is the lion does not deal with men.” Wait a minute Paulo…are you high right now?!

(A courtroom victory would be a thousand times sweeter.)

In an e-mail exchange with MMAJunkie, Leonard Garcia claimed his innocence regarding his recent drug trafficking arrest, and implied that the charge is based only on groundless hearsay:

“I am fighting it because there is nothing but someone saying I was involved,” said Garcia, who was released from jail on a reconnaissance bond and will return to court on May 5. “I hope to have a smile on my face after this is said and done, but I feel like I’m in a fight for my life…

“I’d like to tell my fans to stick with me and pray that the liar in this case tells the truth,” Garcia said. “I want to get back to doing what I do best: fighting for the fans…

Your past is exactly that. My life has a bright future, and people that don’t have that don’t want me to have one either. May God forgive them.”

On his MySpace page, Garcia adds the following:

“This is leonard, I want to ask all my fans and supporters to keep me in their prayers. Know that I can clear my name and continue to give fans the fights they deserve to watch. And know that I am innocent of a crime that I’m being accused of from 3 years ago…I will get through this mess and make everyone proud of me as I have done before.”

Three years ago, eh? Too bad there’s no statute of limitations on filling two dozen condoms with cocaine, inserting them into your body cavity, then taking a train from El Paso to Lubbock. We’re kidding of course — we actually have no idea what Garcia used to transport the coke.

(Mug shot courtesy of MMAWeekly.)

Thirteen members of an El Paso-to-Lubbock cocaine smuggling ring were arrested this week during raids that followed a four-year investigation. And now the bad news:

NewsChannel 11 has learned one of those arrested is mixed martial arts fighter Leonard Garcia. He was arrested Tuesday in alleged connection with the cocaine ring. Garcia is currently ranked sixth in the featherweight class in MMA. [Ed. note: According to KCBD News Channel 11's independent rankings?]

If convicted, three of those arrested could face up to 40 years in prison and up to a $2 million fine. The others could face up to life in prison and up to a $4 million fine.

Cripes, so 40 years is the best case scenario? Let’s hope “Bad Boy” has a good attorney. When reached for comment, Garcia’s manager Sven Bean said:

“It was a shock to me. It definitely came out of left field. I’ve talked with his family and I’ve had one phone conversation with his lawyer. We’re just letting him do his job at this point. Hopefully, we’ll know more as the days progress.”

Obviously, we’re just as shocked. Could Garcia’s managerial position at Frito-Lay have just been a front for something more devious? We’ll update you when more details emerge…

Previously — Leonard Garcia: Stalking Urijah

First we mocked him for pulling out of his WEC 33 fight against Chael Sonnen. Then it looked like he sacked up and the fight was back on. Well, now it’s off again, and drugs are reportedly to blame for Filho’s mysterious depression and personal issues. From WEC.tv:

WEC Middleweight Champion Paulo Filho has chosen to withdraw from his March 26th title defense against Chael Sonnen after voluntarily checking himself into an undisclosed rehabilitation center in Brazil on Thursday morning, March 13, to seek help for a substance abuse problem.

“This is horrible news, but we’re proud of him for stepping up and recognizing his problem,” said Filho’s manager, Ed Soares…“Paulo apologizes to his fans but he thanks them for their support and he promised that the next time they see him, he’ll be back at 100 percent and will be the Paulo Filho everyone expects to see.”

The WEC light heavyweight title bout between Doug Marshall and Brian Stann will now be moved into the March 26th main event slot. Any further plans regarding the card will be announced at a later date.

In a follow-up article on Sherdog, Jorge Guimaraes — also referred to as Filho’s manager — added:

“We tried our best with Filho, but it didn’t work and he’ll not fight in the WEC. He tried with all his effort to accomplish the title defense, but he realized he couldn’t do it due to chemical dependence and depression. He knew this kind of stuff does not have a link with the sport, and I’m happy he had a conscience and looked for help…The WEC staff was superb with us. They understood the situation, and Filho will return and defend his belt in June.”

Well, we wouldn’t bet on it. We’ve watched enough Celebrity Rehab to know that Filho has two choices here: focus on his recovery for a long period of time and get healthy, or go back to training and fighting around the same people and situations that allowed his drug problem to escalate in the first place. An extended rehab stay is necessary, but it could seriously get in the way of his training. Who knows if he’ll be ready three months from now, mentally or physically? We’ll update you when we know more, and we truly hope Filho can bounce back from this and eventually get on with his truly promising career.

(“Nightcap? No thank you, I don’t wear them.”)

With WEC 32 in full swing, there’s not much going on to warrant a full post, but here’s a few things worth mentioning:

-Speaking of WEC 32, featherweight Micah Miller initially failed to make weight when he came in at 147.5 lbs on his first try. Hours later, he came in at 146 lbs. Thank God for Metamucil. The Berry Blast is divine.

-Drug tests were given to some of the fighters from UFC 81 by the NSAC. The event’s headliners – Brock Lesnar, Tim Sylvia, Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira and Frank Mir – all passed with flying colors. Additional fighters that were tested were chosen at random, which is the norm. They include Ricardo Almeida, Tim Boetsch, Marvin Eastman, Rob Emerson, Tyson Griffin, Jeremy Horn, Chris Lytle and Nate Marquardt. All passed according to drug test kingpin, Keith Kizer.

-The MMA world has been abuzz about Cro Cop’s departure from the UFC and his signing with Dream. We won’t get into it now, but more than one site has already started whispering about Fedor/Cro Cop II. Fedor won their first fight – in PRIDE, 2005 – via unanimous decision.

Just two weeks after the first death of a mixed martial artist resulting from injuries sustained in sanctioned competition, the MMA world was struck with another tragedy this weekend, as 33-year-old Ryan Gracie — the so-called “bad boy” of the Gracie clan — was found dead in a Sao Paulo jail cell Saturday morning; he had been arrested Friday night for stealing a car from a 76-year-old man at knifepoint, crashing it, then attempting to steal a motorcycle to flee from police. According to this article, Gracie did not respond to a morning roll call: “When I went to his cell, I saw him lying on his mattress,” [police inspector Paulo] Bittencourt said. “He had no pulse and a reddish liquid was coming out of his mouth. It seems to me he died of a heart attack.”

Following the arrest, Gracie’s urine showed traces of cocaine and marijuana, but the Bleacher Report (props: BloodyElbow) suggests that the illegal drugs were just the beginning:

Psychiatrist Dr. Sabino Ferreira de Faria was called by Gracie’s wife after his arrest and attended to him at the jail. The doctor has allegedly stated that he administered the following drugs to Gracie to calm him down: Haldol (a powerful antipsychotic), Fenergan (which has a side effect of sleepiness), Topamax (for Migraines), Dienpax (tranquilizers), and OmniPlex (relaxant). The doctor remained with Gracie most of the night, and was notified of Gracie’s death as he was returning home. The cause of death has not yet been released by the medical examiner.

So yeah, drug interactions were probably at play here — and if there’s any justice, Dr. “Feelgood” Ferreira will be spending some time in a Brazilian jail cell himself.

Ryan was the son of Robson Gracie (cousin of Royce Gracie), brother of Renzo Gracie, and grandson of Carlos Gracie. He held a record of 5-2 as a middleweight in the PRIDE organization; his last match was a submission victory over Yoji Anjo at PRIDE Shockwave 2004 (12/31/04). Ryan Gracie’s arrest for car-jacking wasn’t his first brush with violence. In 2000, he was arrested for stabbing someone at a Rio de Janeiro nightclub, and in 2005 he accidentally shot himself in the femur, nearly costing him the use of his leg.