(Paul Kelly, leaving his audition for the upcoming Don’ You Go Rounin’ Roun to Re Ro sequel. / Photo via Liverpool Echo)

Paul “Tellys” Kelly, the thickly accented Scouser who compiled a 5-4 record while competing in the UFC as a welterweight and lightweight from 2008-2011, was just convicted of drug-trafficking in his native England, and is currently awaiting sentencing next month. According to the charges filed against him, Kelly — who has maintained his innocence throughout his trial — led a significant heroin dealing operation, in which he and his friend Christopher St John McGirr used couriers to import and distribute heroin. The Liverpool Echo (which Tellys doesn’t seem to hold a very high opinion of) adds more details:

West Derby hard man Paul Kelly had denied being a major heroin dealer after an acquaintance of his was picked up with 1.5kg of import purity drugs in the footwell of his car. But after a four day trial jurors returned unanimous guilty verdicts and he was remanded in custody to await sentence…

During his trial he claimed he earned £100,000 a year and did not need to deal drugs for money. But prosecutor David McLachlan said the fighting money had dried up after he left UFC and ended up losing a “journeyman” bout in India.

(Not only did he charge little Billy twenty bucks for the autograph, but he also spelled his name “G-o-f-u-c-k-y-o-u-r-s-e-l-f.” Image via Caraway’s Twitter account.)

Okay, let me get this sentence out of the way as quickly as possible: Even though he expressed his opinion in a profoundly stupid manner, perhaps Nate Diaz has a damn good point about Bryan Caraway being a less-than-admirable individual.

I’ll give you a few moments to let that sink in.

(What, were you expecting something different?)

I’m not here to fault Caraway for accepting Pat Healy’s UFC 159 Submission of the Night bonus after Healy failed his drug test – even though he was obnoxiously self-righteous about it – because if my boss offered me sixty thousand dollars I wouldn’t exactly turn it down. But allegations of hitting a woman and selling drugs? That dog won’t hunt, monsignor.

(“…and I’m not saying it was aliens, okay? But dude. It was aliens.” / Photo via AlphaEntertainmentOnline.com)

Ever since retired UFC fighter Duane Ludwig stepped in as the striking coach for Urijah Faber‘s Team Alpha Male, the Sacramento-based crew has been on a tear. They essentially have three #1 contenders on the team right now (Faber, Chad Mendes and Joseph Benavidez) and Alpha Male hasn’t lost a major bout since Ludwig took over the coaching spot.

Ludwig discusses his recent gig and coaching techniques in a great two-part interview over at MMA Mania that you really should check out in full. There’s a lot behind Ludwig’s approach to coaching and what he brings to the table — over a decade of experience as an elite kickboxer and MMA fighter, for example. But we can’t help but fixate on the last thing he talks about in the interview.

At first he tries to gloss over it but, ‘Bang’ likes the ganja and feels that analyzing fight footage while high helps him get deeper insight. (Also, that giant Team Alpha Male bag of Cheetos from Costco ain’t gonna eat itself.)

“I’m always studying film, looking at fights from all aspects. When I watch a fight, I watch it from A’s corner and then I watch it from B’s corner. Even with that, I look at the fight again and I alter my own consciousness and I watch the fights again just to make sure, just to get some different looks on things. I actually have another guy in Colorado who reviews film for me as well. From one fight in particular, I get a lot of looks. I watch it multiple times from different stages of consciousness and I have other people watching it. I put more research into fighting than anybody does, more effort into this game than people are aware of, that’s for sure,” Ludwig explains to MMA Mania.

(Daniel Straus mugshot via…hmm…I want to say Jailbase, maybe?)

2013 has already gotten off to a very rocky start for Bellator featherweight Daniel Straus. Just a few days after he was forced to withdraw from his scheduled April 4th title fight against Pat Curran due to a broken hand, Straus was arrested this past Friday in Broward County, Florida, for driving with a suspended license, possession of over 20 grams of cannabis or three grams of synthetic cannabis, possession of MDMA (ecstacy), and drug paraphernalia possession or use.

The 28-year-old Cincinnati native (born Daniel Mason-Straus) was taken to the North Broward Bureau Detention Center in Pompano Beach on a bond of $2,200, and third-degree felony charges were filed yesterday in the Broward County Judicial Circuit Court of Florida. Straus is currently unlisted in the Broward Sheriff’s Office inmate database.

Unfortunately, this isn’t the first time that Straus has run afoul of the law. As he told ESPN in October:

The Jose Canseco have the big lady boobs and the lil mouse balls.

There’s something to be said about a drug addict who chooses to make money by exploiting his struggles with addiction, all while enabling the addictions of other people. I’m not sure if there are proper words for it, but utterly tragic, pathetic and thoroughly reprehensible are probably good places to start. Case in point: Jose Canseco, who has been dangerously addicted to anabolic steroids in the past (and possibly still is), now dedicates his time to encouraging both current and potential steroid users through a series of videos on Steroid.com. If you’re surprised by any of this, I envy your ignorance.

Oh, and he makes his glorious man boobies dance. Did I mention that part yet? Because that happens.

Back to business though. This week, Canseco touches on the topic of which steroids are “the most awesome steroids,” which obviously are the ones that make your tits bounce, n00b. Naturally, Canseco addresses former teammates who decided not to use steroids in the unfortunately typical words of an addict who refuses to take responsibility for his own actions:

As a baseball player, if you didn’t take steroids you were just a pussy. You were just not part of the team at that time. You weren’t really trying to win. You weren’t doing everything possible to become the best baseball player out there and help your team win. It was like a sacrifice in a way, you really had to do everything possible to help your team win.

(I’ll just sit here and be quiet, just in case they do… suspect me. They’re probably watching me. Well, let them. Let them see what kind of a person I am. I’m not even going to swat that fly. I hope they are watching… they’ll see. They’ll see and they’ll know, and they’ll say, “Why, he wouldn’t even harm a fly…”)

After suffering the greatest loss of his storied mixed martial arts career last month — that of his dignity — when he was found nude inside a Mission Viejo church he had destroyed and doused with a fire extinguisher, it appears that charges are finally being pressed against former UFC/Strikeforce fighter and MTV psuedo-reality show host Jason Miller. And they are relatively modest considering both the circumstances of his arrest and the fact that this wasn’t Miller’s first rodeo, if you know what we mean; Miller is being charged with just one count of misdemeanor vandalism for his actions, and is set to appear in court on November 21st.

“Mayhem,” who was released from jail following a brief psychological evaluation, promised to his fans and those concerned that “everything was fine” and that he was “with people that love me, and hope that you will join me. If I ever hurt anyone, I am sorry,” in his first public statement, but hasn’t been heard from since. Fun fact: Miller was arrested almost one year to the day after his aforementioned arrest for putting his sister in a headlock. Apparently that August heat really does drive some people crazy.

Elsewhere on the MMA blotter…

DISCLAIMER: This feature is purely a satirical piece- you know, like the title explicitly states. Any references to real people and events are purely for comedic effect. Nothing you are about to read is actual news, and no quotes used in this article are authentic quotes. In short, don’t take anything you are about to read as a real news story.

Pictured: How drug abusing MMA fighters would look if they had some dignity.

The general public has been outraged over Chael Sonnen’s recent comments defending Alistair Overeem, and do not seem to be willing to forgive and forget any time soon. Sonnen defended Overeem on the basis that Overeem simply had an elevated testosterone-to-epitestosterone ratio, and did not test positive for an illegal substance. However, many still believe that Overeem’s elevated T:E ratio was caused by testosterone usage. If true (and it certainly looks true), it gives him an unfair advantage at his job, and therefore is completely unacceptable.

“This is an outrage!” cried Sean Franchetti, a journalist for the popular MMA news outlet Cage Crapato, while snorting his third Adderall of the week. “SorryaboutthatIhave…I have four feature articles due by tomorrow morning, and there’s no way I can do all that without snorting a few lines first.”

(Junie Browning: Ready for the orgy.)

Anybody who watched the eighth season of The Ultimate Fighter could tell you that Junie Allen Browning is as crazy as a peach-orchard boar. But after moving to Las Vegas to train full-time, it seemed like "The Lunatic" was slowly going sane. Well, not so much. According to the Las Vegas Review Journal (via CageWriter), Browning was rushed to St. Rose Dominican Hospital on Tuesday night after taking 16 Klonopin pills in an apparent suicide attempt. It was just the beginning of Junie’s troubles:

(Photo courtesy of MMAFrenzy.com.)

We previously mentioned that UFC lightweight Melvin Guillard had to pull out of his UFC 90 bout with Spencer Fisher for undisclosed reasons. Well, now those reasons are disclosed — and it ain’t lookin’ good. Sherdog is reporting that the Young Assassin is in custody at the Harris County jail in Houston, due to an August 13th arrest for violating probation on a 2007 drug charge. Guillard will be released to a drug treatment facility “as soon as space becomes available per the terms of his recently amended probation.” And it probably won’t be one of those cushy drug treatment facilities that lets patients take days off to go fight in Chicago, so there you have it.

Of course, this isn’t the first time Guillard has had drug/legal trouble since his UFC career began in 2005. The New Orleans native was suspended for eight months after testing positive for cocaine following a submission loss to Joe Stevenson at UFC Fight Night 9 in April 2007. (Guillard admitted using the drug six days before the fight, thinking it would be out of his system within 72 hours.) Four months later, he was arrested for possession of a controlled substance, but got off with a fine and two years probation — which he has now violated.

If you’ve been keeping score, that’s three strikes. Unfortunately, Guillard’s not nearly valuable enough to the UFC for them to keep giving him chances; we’d expect a semi-official announcement of his dismissal sometime this week. Guillard is still an exciting-enough fighter to continue to get work in smaller shows, but we’re more concerned about his health and well-being at this point. Let’s hope his latest incident compels him to clean up for good…

You thought it couldn’t get worse for James Irvin after his 61-second destruction at the hands of Anderson Silva at UFC Fight Night 14. You were dead wrong. Turns out Irvin’s post-fight urine sample was positive for both methadone and oxymorphone. That’s right, methadone, as in what they give to help recovering heroin addicts. And that’s also right, oxymorphone, the semi-synthetic opiod that is 6-8 times more potent than morphine. Damn, James Irvin. Sup?

Because this is undoubtedly a rough time for “The Sandman” we’ll refrain from jokes suggesting that if he was on these narcotic pain relievers before the bout with Silva, he may have to rob a pharmacy to get through his recovery afterwards. Instead we’ll just say that we’re very curious to hear an explanation and to see what steps the UFC and Nevada State Athletic Commission will take with something like this. Irvin has twenty days to respond and contest the results, or else it’s likely to be fine and suspension time.

Both drugs are considered “banned substances”, but are they performance enhancing? Will he suffer a suspension and fine similar to Nick Diaz, who the NSAC accused of being so doped up (on weed, no less) that he was virtually impervious to pain?

Guess we’ll wait and see. In the meantime, let’s just be glad that everyone else who was tested on the card came back clean.

Update: Justin Levens also tested positive for oxymorphone before the Affliction card that he didn’t even fight on (his bout was scratched due to time issues). He’s been fined $1,000 and is suspended until January 15. All without stepping into the ring.

From Sherdog — for the first time since checking into a Brazilian rehab facility last month, undefeated WEC middleweight champ Paulo Filho speaks about his condition and his delayed rematch with Chael Sonnen. Apparently, Filho was addicted to “Rupinal” (possibly referring to Rohypnol, aka “the date rape drug”), and had been suffering from depression even before his first fight in America. As far as Sonnen, “What I have to say is the lion does not deal with men.” Wait a minute Paulo…are you high right now?!

(A courtroom victory would be a thousand times sweeter.)

In an e-mail exchange with MMAJunkie, Leonard Garcia claimed his innocence regarding his recent drug trafficking arrest, and implied that the charge is based only on groundless hearsay:

“I am fighting it because there is nothing but someone saying I was involved,” said Garcia, who was released from jail on a reconnaissance bond and will return to court on May 5. “I hope to have a smile on my face after this is said and done, but I feel like I’m in a fight for my life…

“I’d like to tell my fans to stick with me and pray that the liar in this case tells the truth,” Garcia said. “I want to get back to doing what I do best: fighting for the fans…

Your past is exactly that. My life has a bright future, and people that don’t have that don’t want me to have one either. May God forgive them.”

On his MySpace page, Garcia adds the following:

“This is leonard, I want to ask all my fans and supporters to keep me in their prayers. Know that I can clear my name and continue to give fans the fights they deserve to watch. And know that I am innocent of a crime that I’m being accused of from 3 years ago…I will get through this mess and make everyone proud of me as I have done before.”

Three years ago, eh? Too bad there’s no statute of limitations on filling two dozen condoms with cocaine, inserting them into your body cavity, then taking a train from El Paso to Lubbock. We’re kidding of course — we actually have no idea what Garcia used to transport the coke.

(Mug shot courtesy of MMAWeekly.)

Thirteen members of an El Paso-to-Lubbock cocaine smuggling ring were arrested this week during raids that followed a four-year investigation. And now the bad news:

NewsChannel 11 has learned one of those arrested is mixed martial arts fighter Leonard Garcia. He was arrested Tuesday in alleged connection with the cocaine ring. Garcia is currently ranked sixth in the featherweight class in MMA. [Ed. note: According to KCBD News Channel 11's independent rankings?]

If convicted, three of those arrested could face up to 40 years in prison and up to a $2 million fine. The others could face up to life in prison and up to a $4 million fine.

Cripes, so 40 years is the best case scenario? Let’s hope “Bad Boy” has a good attorney. When reached for comment, Garcia’s manager Sven Bean said:

“It was a shock to me. It definitely came out of left field. I’ve talked with his family and I’ve had one phone conversation with his lawyer. We’re just letting him do his job at this point. Hopefully, we’ll know more as the days progress.”

Obviously, we’re just as shocked. Could Garcia’s managerial position at Frito-Lay have just been a front for something more devious? We’ll update you when more details emerge…

Previously — Leonard Garcia: Stalking Urijah

First we mocked him for pulling out of his WEC 33 fight against Chael Sonnen. Then it looked like he sacked up and the fight was back on. Well, now it’s off again, and drugs are reportedly to blame for Filho’s mysterious depression and personal issues. From WEC.tv:

WEC Middleweight Champion Paulo Filho has chosen to withdraw from his March 26th title defense against Chael Sonnen after voluntarily checking himself into an undisclosed rehabilitation center in Brazil on Thursday morning, March 13, to seek help for a substance abuse problem.

“This is horrible news, but we’re proud of him for stepping up and recognizing his problem,” said Filho’s manager, Ed Soares…“Paulo apologizes to his fans but he thanks them for their support and he promised that the next time they see him, he’ll be back at 100 percent and will be the Paulo Filho everyone expects to see.”

The WEC light heavyweight title bout between Doug Marshall and Brian Stann will now be moved into the March 26th main event slot. Any further plans regarding the card will be announced at a later date.

In a follow-up article on Sherdog, Jorge Guimaraes — also referred to as Filho’s manager — added:

“We tried our best with Filho, but it didn’t work and he’ll not fight in the WEC. He tried with all his effort to accomplish the title defense, but he realized he couldn’t do it due to chemical dependence and depression. He knew this kind of stuff does not have a link with the sport, and I’m happy he had a conscience and looked for help…The WEC staff was superb with us. They understood the situation, and Filho will return and defend his belt in June.”

Well, we wouldn’t bet on it. We’ve watched enough Celebrity Rehab to know that Filho has two choices here: focus on his recovery for a long period of time and get healthy, or go back to training and fighting around the same people and situations that allowed his drug problem to escalate in the first place. An extended rehab stay is necessary, but it could seriously get in the way of his training. Who knows if he’ll be ready three months from now, mentally or physically? We’ll update you when we know more, and we truly hope Filho can bounce back from this and eventually get on with his truly promising career.

(“Nightcap? No thank you, I don’t wear them.”)

With WEC 32 in full swing, there’s not much going on to warrant a full post, but here’s a few things worth mentioning:

-Speaking of WEC 32, featherweight Micah Miller initially failed to make weight when he came in at 147.5 lbs on his first try. Hours later, he came in at 146 lbs. Thank God for Metamucil. The Berry Blast is divine.

-Drug tests were given to some of the fighters from UFC 81 by the NSAC. The event’s headliners – Brock Lesnar, Tim Sylvia, Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira and Frank Mir – all passed with flying colors. Additional fighters that were tested were chosen at random, which is the norm. They include Ricardo Almeida, Tim Boetsch, Marvin Eastman, Rob Emerson, Tyson Griffin, Jeremy Horn, Chris Lytle and Nate Marquardt. All passed according to drug test kingpin, Keith Kizer.

-The MMA world has been abuzz about Cro Cop’s departure from the UFC and his signing with Dream. We won’t get into it now, but more than one site has already started whispering about Fedor/Cro Cop II. Fedor won their first fight – in PRIDE, 2005 – via unanimous decision.

Just two weeks after the first death of a mixed martial artist resulting from injuries sustained in sanctioned competition, the MMA world was struck with another tragedy this weekend, as 33-year-old Ryan Gracie — the so-called “bad boy” of the Gracie clan — was found dead in a Sao Paulo jail cell Saturday morning; he had been arrested Friday night for stealing a car from a 76-year-old man at knifepoint, crashing it, then attempting to steal a motorcycle to flee from police. According to this article, Gracie did not respond to a morning roll call: “When I went to his cell, I saw him lying on his mattress,” [police inspector Paulo] Bittencourt said. “He had no pulse and a reddish liquid was coming out of his mouth. It seems to me he died of a heart attack.”

Following the arrest, Gracie’s urine showed traces of cocaine and marijuana, but the Bleacher Report (props: BloodyElbow) suggests that the illegal drugs were just the beginning:

Psychiatrist Dr. Sabino Ferreira de Faria was called by Gracie’s wife after his arrest and attended to him at the jail. The doctor has allegedly stated that he administered the following drugs to Gracie to calm him down: Haldol (a powerful antipsychotic), Fenergan (which has a side effect of sleepiness), Topamax (for Migraines), Dienpax (tranquilizers), and OmniPlex (relaxant). The doctor remained with Gracie most of the night, and was notified of Gracie’s death as he was returning home. The cause of death has not yet been released by the medical examiner.

So yeah, drug interactions were probably at play here — and if there’s any justice, Dr. “Feelgood” Ferreira will be spending some time in a Brazilian jail cell himself.

Ryan was the son of Robson Gracie (cousin of Royce Gracie), brother of Renzo Gracie, and grandson of Carlos Gracie. He held a record of 5-2 as a middleweight in the PRIDE organization; his last match was a submission victory over Yoji Anjo at PRIDE Shockwave 2004 (12/31/04). Ryan Gracie’s arrest for car-jacking wasn’t his first brush with violence. In 2000, he was arrested for stabbing someone at a Rio de Janeiro nightclub, and in 2005 he accidentally shot himself in the femur, nearly costing him the use of his leg.